A/N: Sorry this took so long. :( There should only be about two chapters left.

Ross rolled his eyes, and then spoke in a tone he would use if he were lecturing a child. "Put water in a pot – "

"Okay, okay, I remember now," Chandler huffed into the phone. He held the phone to his ear using his shoulder while both of his hands searched for a pot. "I can't work under pressure!"

"Dude, in college, you once did a twenty page paper hours before it was due," Ross reminded him.

"That was a term paper. Not cooking." Chandler found a pot, put water in it from the sink, and placed on a burner, which he lit. "Got step one. What's Rachael doing?"

"She's…chopping vegetables. Really fast. In fact I'm kind of worried she's gonna chop her finger off," Ross admitted.

"Better a finger than a toe," Chandler murmured. That's one thing he had to get used to with being in Monica's body – walking normally.

"Oh, right, I forgot about that," Ross laughed. "Anyway, she's chopping asparagus spears into two-inch pieces. She's going to mix that in with the pasta, along with zucchini and green beans."

"Ugh, she's making something healthy?" Chandler uttered in disgust. Locating the vegetables in the fridge, he brought them to the counter. Then he started chopping some asparagus.

"Oh, by the way, you're supposed to be toasting some nuts," Ross told him.

Chandler paused. "What?"

"Pine nuts. You know, roasting them?" Ross clarified. "That's for the sauce that's going to go over the pasta and vegetables."

"Oh. Thanks." Chandler did as he was told after finding the nuts in a cabinet.

After a few minutes of following instructions, Chandler cast a weary eye at the bubbling pasta. "Uh, Ross?"

"Yeah?"

"Is the pasta supposed to be…bubbling?"

"Yeah. That's what usually happens when you boil something."

"No, I mean really bubbling." Chandler was staring at the pot. The flame was a deep red and wide. Water was falling over the sides, and a few pieces of pasta met their doom in the fire.

"What?" Ross couldn't see what Chandler was seeing, but hear the crackling of the flame. "Chandler, I hear it from here! Turn it down, man, turn it down!"

"I am, I am!" Chandler reached for the pot first, figuring it would be better to take it off the flame before it exploded. "Ah, crap!" Quickly turning the knob to the "off" position, he began examining the damage to his arm.

"Dude, are you okay?" Ross shouted.

"Yeah, fine, just burnt Monica's chef jacket." Chandler cursed under his breath, noticing the huge burnt mark. "Maybe I would have been better off if the flames burned me to the ground."

"You probably would have," Ross chuckled.

"You are so useless!" Phoebe chided, coming through Joey's apartment door. Joey was behind her, carrying a large bag of what Ross assumed was groceries. "I can't take you anywhere, Joseph Francis Tribbiani!" Joey winced at the use of his full name.

Ross, still sitting on the recliner, raised an eyebrow. "What's the matter, Phoebe? Joey use up all your quarters on the fire engine ride again?"

"That was one time!" Joey defended. "After that I brought my own quarters!"

Phoebe shook her head. "No, not that. I was driving all over Manhattan looking for the potion ingredients, and dragged Joey with me to help. I would have been better off if I left him here!"

"Why?" Ross pressed.

"They love me!" Joey exclaimed. "They really love me!"

Ross wrinkled his brow. "Who?"

"My fans!" Joey replied, obviously elated after his experience.

Phoebe sighed, putting the grocery bag on the counter. "They're not your real fans, Joey. They haven't even seen you act in a movie yet! Besides, didn't you find it a little annoying when they kept following us around? It's a miracle we were able to buy anything!"

"But it's still so cool!" Joey retorted, then pointed to a spot on his jacket. "One of the girls even ripped off a piece of my sleeve!"

"That's not the point," Phoebe argued. "This wish is getting way out of control."

"It's not my fault!" Joey reminded her. "All I wanted was the part. I never asked for instant fame."

"Maybe that's a side effect," Ross mused. He had spent part of the morning watching Aladdin on Disney channel, and therefore had done some hard pondering about wishes. "Think about it. Just giving you the role would be way too hard to pull off for one measly drop of potion. My reasoning is that it had to compensate by taking some stability out of the results."

Joey stared at him. "Huh?"

"Never mind." Phoebe breathed, pulling Joey into the kitchen. "Now help me with this potion. Might as well make yourself useful once today."

"So what are you gonna make it in? A cauldron?" Ross joked, coming over to sit at the island opposite Phoebe and Joey.

"Uh, duh!" She pulled a medium-sized cauldron from the bag and placed it on the island. At her friends' stares, she asked, completely clueless, "What? Doesn't everybody have one?"

"Oh yes, it's in the back of my cupboard next to the eye of newt," Ross deadpanned.

Phoebe's eyes widened. "That's where mine usually is!"

Now a little freaked out, Ross changed the subject. "So what did your client say about this elixir?"

"Well, I talked to his girlfriend, since she's the one who gave him the potion." As they chatted, Phoebe set up various ingredients after Joey unloaded them from the bag. "She said she was really sorry, by the way. She told Tim to be careful with it."

"I'll accept her apology when I'm no longer craving sardines and ice cream," Ross informed her.

"What's so bad about sardines and ice cream?" Joey asked, serious. "It's the best!"

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "Anyway, she was telling me all about this potion. Her great-grandmother created it and the recipe. It was a total accident too. A few of her herbs fell into her cooking pot and bam!" She smacked her palms together for emphasis. "All we gotta do is mix these herbs we bought and you'll be a card-carrying member of the opposite sex in no time."

"And not a second too soon," Ross replied. "I'm actually starting to feel comfortable in Rachel's thong."

"Couldn't you wear panties?" Joey reasoned.

Ross shrugged. "I dunno, she didn't have any clean panties and I didn't want to bother to go all the way to the Laundromat…" He paused at his friends' stares. "Being pregnant is tough, okay?"

Phoebe chuckled. She had been carefully measuring, then adding ingredients while they had been talking, and was almost done. "All right guys, this is the last herb. Back off!"

Ross raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

"Tim's girlfriend said that the potion packed a punch when you completed it," Phoebe explained. "So back off."

"Okay." Joey moved a few steps backwards.

Ross stayed put. "Phoebe, that's impossible. There's no heat. You just have a bunch of herbs in a bowl. There's no way –"

He was cut off as Phoebe dumped in the last herb. A mini-explosion erupted from the cauldron, causing Ross to nearly fall off his chair.

Joey's eyes widened. "Cool!"

At Ross' shocked expression, Phoebe shrugged. "I told you to back off."

"Good afternoon, class," Rachel began. At NYU, she was standing at a podium in front of about fifty students. The first time this happened, she had been a nervous wreck. Now, two classes later, she had the "substitute" teacher thing down pat. She had been a little jumpy, but after fumbling once or twice and earning a few laughs, she played the part of "Ross Geller, Distinguished Professor" perfectly. Maybe she should have gone into acting.

Mumbles of "Good afternoon, Professor Geller" rippled through the crowd. Clearing her throat, she instructed, "Today, I'm just going to have you do some quiet work. Spend this period doing tonight's assignment, which is outlining the next two chapters." The next two chapters? God, Ross, if you had been my teacher in college I would be rolling paper for spit balls.

Therefore, she wasn't surprised when one hit her head. Removing it from her hair and throwing it in the trash, she laughed. "Okay, I'm not even gonna bother asking who threw that. Nice aim, by the way. Though if you had narrowed the angle you probably could have hit my eye."

Silence. Rachel mentally smacked herself. The kids weren't used to a laid-back paleontology teacher. One student raised his hand. "Um, dude, are you drunk? 'Cause I don't think you're allowed to teach while under the influence."

Rachel chuckled. "Um, no, this is just me when I'm in a good mood."

The students weren't buying it. Another female student squealed, "Professor Geller got lucky last night!"

As the class erupted into laughter, Rachel shouted, "All right guys, you've had your fun, now get to work."

Eventually, they did quiet down. Rachel spent the minutes perched on Ross' stool and reading one of the romance novels she had brought with her for the day. She hid it behind the podium of course; she didn't want his students to think he had turned gay on top of being wasted.

A short while later, Rachel heard music coming from a personal player among her students. Knowing that Ross would never allow it, Rachel ordered, "Okay, whoever has the MP3 player, turn it off." It was silenced, and she returned to her book.

Then more music came from a different student. Getting that they were testing her, Rachel stood firm. "Come on, guys, don't play with me. Turn it off."

The student who had the music on the second time asked, "Can I keep it on if I lower it so nobody else can hear?"

Rachel considered it. She knew Ross would have been Mr. Party Pooper and made him shut it off anyway, but she honestly didn't see anything wrong with the idea. She used to listen to music while she studied all the time in college. "Um, yeah, sure, why not."

She winced as about every student took out his or her MP3 players. Of course, I failed most of my tests in college…

It all went downhill from there. People started talking on their cell phones, watching DVDs on their laptops, and using their PSPs. Apparently giving the students one tiny luxury resulted in total chaos. No wonder Ross has to be such a tight-ass. "Guys, can you put the electronic devices away, please?" Her request fell on deaf ears. Well, ears covered with earphones.

Taking a deep breath, she screamed, "TURN OFF EVERYTHING NOW!"

That got a few of the students to remove their earpieces and give her an annoyed look. A guy in the front row inquired, "Dude, what's your problem?"

Rachel put her hands on her hips. "My problem is that you're all supposed to be quietly studying. The sounds from the cell phones and video games are making me crazy!"

He shook his head. "Yeah, give it up man. We were just gonna do our homework anyway. Wanna play poker?" He held up a deck of cards.

Realizing he was right, Rachel gave a helpless sigh. "Deal me in."