9. Quiet

Knock knock knock.

Nick, Sarah and Nellie all looked up from their breakfasts in sleepy surprise.

"Honestly, who's knocking on the door at this time of the morning?"

Sarah sighed, discarded the remains of her toast and went out into the hall to answer the door. Nick went back to his cereal.

His subconsciousness had not allowed him more than one night of respite. Yet another beautiful dream had been ripped away from him and corrupted into his worst fear. He would have thought by now his subconscious would have learnt not to be lulled into the false sense of security whenever the dreams started out good.

At least Char- the Boy-Under-the-Bed - for that was what Nick had started to call him now (by refusing to name him, it made him seem less connected to the real thing) - had stayed under the cabin bed last night, stayed out from under Nick's own bed.

"Good morning, Nick."

Nick was snapped out of his reverie by the appearance of a woman at the kitchen door.

"I'm sorry to bother you this morning," said Officer Helen Torrance as Sarah showed her into a chair. "But I'm afraid I have a rather urgent matter I need to discuss with you, and I'm afraid it cannot wait."

"Would you like a cup of tea, Helen?" Sarah asked, still polite through her worry and annoyance.

"No thank you, Sarah, I'd like to make this as quick as possible."

Sarah sat back down by her toast but did not pick it up again.

Nick gulped down a mouthful of Shreddies, heart hammering in his chest.

"My colleague, Detective Inspector Michaels, witnessed some very suspicious behaviour while he was out on his morning jog yesterday in Lakewood Park."

Fuck fuck fuck.

"His report has alerted me to clear evidence that suggests you were responsible for the disposal of the weapon used in the triple homicide that happened at your family's cabin on 2nd June. Evidence suggests that you threw the gun into the river on said afternoon and, yesterday morning, you found it had not been washed away as you had hoped. And so, you called the help of a loyal friend to help push the gun back into the weeds to disguise it. Does any of this sound familiar to you, Nick?"

"I - I already told you I wasn't at the cabin that day, detective," said Nick carefully. He hoped she couldn't hear his heart beating as loudly as he could. "I don't know anything about it, other than what you've told me."

"You did go to the park early yesterday morning, though, didn't you, Nicky? To walk Nellie?"

Officer Torrance glanced at Sarah then gave Nick a pointed look which was hard to read.

"I was there yesterday morning with Nellie," said Nick. "And I did meet Charlie there, who is my boyfriend, by the way, not just my friend. We planned to meet by that willow tree beside the river and I did text him while I waited there. We stayed by the tree to talk for a bit and then we used the park toilets and then we went for a walk. We went just as far as the hilltop and then we came back again. That's all that happened. I don't know anything about any gun in any river, I promise. Why would I?"

Nick looked up to find the detective had been taking notes the whole time he had been talking.

This was not good. This was getting dangerous.

But he was finding it surprisingly easy to lie…

"Did you see anyone acting suspiciously?" Sarah asked, very worried now. "It might not have been Nick, detective, maybe your colleague was mistaken. How would he even know what my son looks like?"

"Inspector Michaels' description fit that of your son I'm afraid, Sarah, and that of your dog."

Helen nodded to Nellie in her basket in the corner. Nellie seemed to take the gesture as an indication that fuss was underway. She plodded over to nose at the detective's chair.

The woman just ignored her.

What the actual fuck? What kind of monster -?

"But did you see anyone, Nicky?"

Nick dared to meet his mum's eye and saw a determined kind of intensity there that he had rarely seen.

"No," he said quickly, then pretended to think. "I don't think so… I wasn't really paying attention… There weren't many people around. It was quite early. Just a few other dog walkers." He forced a chuckle. "I was probably a bit distracted. I was with Charlie after all."

Sarah smiled sadly across at him. Nick returned it, thankful for once that he was blushing.

"I can attest to that," said Sarah. "I'm afraid my son always has a little tunnel-vision when it comes to his Charlie."

"Well then, if everything you're saying is true, then you won't have any answer as to why, when myself and Inspector Michaels returned to the scene this morning, we found no evidence of any gun anywhere in that river. Not even when our officers combed every inch of the riverbed at the location in question."

"Maybe it simply floated away," Sarah suggested, her exasperation filtering through the false-calm.

"Maybe," said Officer Torrance. She studied Nick carefully and he could almost see the cogs turning in her brain. "I have to admit, you don't seem the type… and perhaps I jumped to conclusions when Michaels gave his description. Even still, your dog…"

"Other people have border collies," said Sarah.

"Hmm…"

But the detective didn't manage another word before Sarah checked her watch and got hurriedly to her feet. "Goodness, you are going to be late, Nicky. We'd better get you to school."

Nick looked innocently toward the detective. She sighed, nodded and rose from her chair.

Some of the feeling was starting to come back into Nick's feet.

"Well, I'm sorry to bother you again, Nick. Thank you for your time. Goodbye, Sarah, I apologise for intruding."

Nick and his mum followed the detective out of the house and piled into the car.

As Sarah drove quickly toward Truham, Nick sat in the passenger seat, the mass of built-up tension threatening to seep out of him in the form of either tears or puke. He wasn't sure which it would be but resented the idea of either.

Sarah was silent all the way to school, which gave Nick some time to collect himself at least. She pulled up outside the gates. The front yard was practically deserted. He was really very late.

"Are you going to be alright?" Her tone was kind as always but she didn't meet his eye.

Nick let out a breath. "Yeah. I'll be fine."

"I know you will be, baby. Now, go! Your Charlie will be wondering where you are."

"Mum…" Nick groaned, blushing again, but he was secretly pleased.

His mum had kick started the fluttery anticipation he always got just before he knew he was going to see Charlie.

As he walked through the school gates, he glanced at his phone. There were no texts from Charlie. He usually contacted Nick as soon as his phone was released to him in the mornings before school.

Nick was still frowning as he turned the corner of the corridor and the second bell rang, telling him he was now officially late.

He pocketed his phone and speed-walked to his form room.

"Cutting it very close this morning, aren't we, Nick?" said Mr Lange when Nick stepped inside.

"Sorry, sir." I was being questioned as a part of a murder investigation. "My mum's car wouldn't start."

Mr Lange gave a weary sigh. "Just sit down quietly, please."

"Hi," Nick said as he sat down beside Charlie.

"Hi."

Charlie looked exhausted, Nick thought. Even more so than yesterday. The lack of cheer in his usual greeting made Nick's stomach drop.

He slid a comforting hand under the table and squeezed Charlie's knee. Charlie picked it up from his knee and entwined their fingers so they were holding hands under the table.

"Are you alright, my love?" Nick whispered. "How did it go with your mum? Was she really angry?"

Charlie gave a kind of shrug/nod. His cheeks were very pale and the hand clutching Nick's was almost ice-cold. Nick held it tighter and stroked the back with his thumb.

"She was," Charlie murmured. "But I'm fine. I'm used to it."

Nick still wanted to cry or throw up apparently. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." Charlie shook his head. "If that's okay?"

"Of course it is. You don't have to tell me anything. Only know that you always can, whenever you want, that's all."

"I know -"

"I said sit down quietly," said Mr Lange from the front. "Boys. Register. Hush."

As soon as the register was complete and the few announcements had been made, Nick turned back to Charlie in an instant. Their hands had remained clasped and at some point, they had shifted their chairs closer together without noticing.

"I need to talk to you about something," Nick said quickly before anything could stop him. "In private."

Charlie looked up at him in such alarm that Nick regretted his wording immediately.

"Don't worry! It's not… it's not bad. It's just important and I can't really talk about it here in form… with everyone around… Look, I don't want you to worry…"

"Nick…" Charlie sighed, smiling a little sadly.

The bell rang signalling the end of form. A clatter of chairs and bags.

"Just meet me at break, yeah?" said Nick as he swung his bag across his shoulders. "At our tree?"

Charlie nodded. As he stood, he seemed to steady himself against the desk for a moment. Nick watched in concern as Charlie closed his eyes through a breath and then continued to gather his things as if nothing had happened.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk to me about anything?"

Charlie didn't seem to hear him however, and when they had exited into the corridor, Charlie left to go to class without so much as a wave goodbye, let alone a kiss.

The whole interaction, or lack thereof, had left Nick feeling pretty wobbly all morning.

When it was finally break time and he sat down against the secluded tree, he honestly wondered whether Charlie would show up at all. He was surprised at just how relieved he was when Charlie finally arrived.

"Did your mum forget to give you your phone today or something?" Nick asked as Charlie sat down beside him. "You haven't been answering my texts."

"Oh," said Charlie in surprise. "No, I have it. I just forgot to turn it on."

Charlie took out his phone, pressed the on button and pocketed it again. He gave a great sigh and flopped himself around Nick's side. Nick slipped an arm around his waist, half delighted with how this was going and half incredibly worried.

A lot of the tension that had been in Charlie's shoulders had gone and his eyes were now closed peacefully, his head resting over Nick's heart. But he still looked so tired and he had been so quiet today…

Nick knew there was something going on that Charlie wasn't telling him. Nick would always, always respect his boyfriend's boundaries but he had to admit, he was struggling this time around.

He had started to doubt whether it was even a good idea to tell Charlie what he had originally planned to.

But he had to.

Charlie seemed to sense Nick's hesitation and opened his eyes. He tilted his head to peer up at him.

"What were you going to tell me? That thing that apparently I shouldn't worry about but of course I did anyway…" Charlie smiled weakly. "You're not going to break up with me, are you?"

Nick pulled Charlie closer to him, folding both arms around him. He knew Charlie was joking but the mere thought still made him feel slightly queasy.

"I told you it wasn't something bad. Well, not that bad anyway…"

"Well, we've ruled out one of my top worst possible scenarios so, really, how bad can it be?"

Charlie searched Nick's face. Nick chewed his bottom lip nervously, working out exactly how to word this so as not to cause too much alarm. The hand on Charlie's waist clenched around the fabric of his shirt.

"I was questioned by Officer Torrance again this morning. She came to my house. One of her officers saw us at the park yesterday…"

"What?"

"I think I managed to convince her it wasn't us… or at least I made her doubt how solid the evidence was."

"You lied again?"

Nick nodded. "I had to, Char. That note… the two bullets… I can't - I can't let that happen. Nothing scares me more."

"No, I'm glad you did that. I'm sorry you had to go through that again but you did the right thing."

"There is one other thing," said Nick. "She said that when they went back to check for the gun this morning it had gone."

Charlie stiffened slightly. "D-do you think someone took it?"

"Who though?"

"The shooter," said Charlie plainly. "Or maybe it just floated away."

"That's what my mum said. I think Torrance thought I had done it."

"That's ridiculous…" Charlie curled up against Nick again and closed his eyes. There was a definite tension in the line of his brow.

"Oh, my love, I'm so sorry I had to tell you all that," said Nick. "I wish you weren't caught up in all this… but I am so grateful I'm not alone. If I had to keep all this a secret to myself I think I might explode."

Nick let out a shaky laugh.

Charlie did not remark. He had gone very still.

"Char?"

Nick looked down at the boy in his arms and saw he had fallen asleep. His face was pressed right up against Nick, his mouth slightly open, emitting tiny, adorable snores.

Nick gently kissed the still-tense brow, then shifted his boyfriend carefully downwards so he could rest more comfortably with his head on Nick's lap. Charlie wrapped his arms around Nick's waist and slept on.

On any other normal day, Nick would have been way more flustered by Charlie's current position. However, he was far too distracted by how deeply he was sleeping to be too embarrassed. Charlie clearly needed it. He had not been his usual self all day.

Nick wandered when the last time Charlie ate was.

Moving carefully, so as not to disturb Charlie, Nick rummaged in his own school bag and pulled out the bag of Mini Cheddars he was going to eat for his break time snack. He slipped the packet into the pocket of Charlie's blazer.

Nick spent the rest of break watching his boyfriend sleep.

The activity was actually pretty soothing, Nick thought, once he had gotten past the slight creepiness. He could feel Charlie's heartbeat, feel him breathing, feel his warmth around his middle; all constant reminders that Charlie Spring was real, was here, was alive.

When the bell rang, Charlie did not stir.

Nick shook his shoulder gently.

"Charlie? You've got to wake up now, sleepy head."

Charlie lifted a weary head, blinking slowly. He made an adorable little 'mmph' noise, then seemed to realise the suggestive position he had been lying in. His cheeks flushed pink but his tiredness prevented him from saying anything about it.

Nick helped Charlie to his feet.

And when they went their separate ways, Nick turned to watch Charlie go. It looked as if the five-minute nap had made absolutely no dent in Charlie's bone-deep exhaustion.

Nick swallowed against the lump in his throat, mind racing hopelessly.

At lunch, Charlie wasn't at their usual bench.

Tao and Aled did not seem concerned about this but Charlie still was not answering any of Nick's texts. Apparently, the other boys were perfectly content to eat their lunches without answers, but after almost twenty minutes of rapidly building dread, Nick could stand it no longer.

The first place he looked was obviously the art room. He knocked on the door and poked his head in. Mr Ajayi was eating his lunch at his desk but the rest of the room was empty.

"Ah, Nick," said the art teacher. "What can I do for you?"

"Um… has Charlie been in here at all today?"

"No. I haven't seen him in a while to be honest. Which is a good thing, of course. I assume you have been the main reason for that."

Mr Ajayi gave him a knowing smile. Nick forced one in return.

"If - if he shows up, could you please let him know I'm looking for him?"

Mr Ajayi frowned but nodded. "Of course."

"Thanks, sir," said Nick, and hurried out of the room.

By the end of lunch, the dread had exploded into terror. Nick had no idea what his fourth period lesson was about. He spent the whole time trying to stop himself from spiralling while also constantly checking his phone, wishing desperately that Charlie would just send something. Anything.

Between fourth and fifth period, Nick locked himself in a toilet cubicle and did something he never usually did - he rang Charlie.

He listened as Charlie's phone rang and rang until it switched over to voicemail, and the nausea hit him hard. He couldn't remember ever actually sending a voicemail before but today he was desperate.

"Hey, Char. It's me. Please please call or text me back. I know you're going through something. I know you don't want to talk about it and that's fine but I'm still so so worried about you. I just need to know if you're okay. Please text me back. Even if it's just an emoji or something. Anything. Please? I love you."

An hour later, Nick leant against the school fence in his usual spot, watching the swarm of students filing through the gates, scanning each and every face for any sign of Charlie.

But slowly, the crowd started to fizzle out and there was still no sign.

He could see his mum's car parked a little way down the road. He saw his mum spot him through the wing mirror and frown.

Nick found he couldn't have moved away from his post if he tried.

Sarah got out of her car and walked the short distance toward him. "Are you ready to go home, Nicky?"

"I need to wait for Charlie."

"Hasn't he already gone home?"

"I didn't see him. He would have waited."

Sarah looked around at the remaining scattered students. "Did you text him?"

"He won't reply."

"Oh. Did you have a fight?"

"No. I - he was having a bad day. But now he won't reply to anything and I'm so worried and I just really need to wait for him…"

Nick's lip wobbled and the dilemma which had been simmering all day finally solved itself.

"Oh, baby. Okay, Nicky, let's sit in the car, shall we? It's okay, baby, we'll sit and wait for Charlie together. We'll still be able to see from there."

Nick allowed himself to be ushered into the car by his mum.

Even as he sat in the front seat, staring toward the gates, his vision obscured by his tears, he knew Charlie would not come.

Sarah sat there patiently with him until the last few Truham boys trickled out.

"Nick, please talk to me," said Sarah. "What's got you so stressed? Is it what happened this morning?"

"I'm just sick of not being able to text him when I fucking want to!" All the pent-up emotions came rushing out of him at once in the form of an angry tirade. "I hate it! I hate Jane Spring! It's not fair! None of it is fair and I can't do anything and I'm fucking sick of it!"

Sarah didn't say or do anything as Nick panted for air, exhausted, letting him come down steadily on his own.

"I'm sorry I swore."

Nick's tears had dried up and he was left with a horrible cold ache in his chest.

"That's okay. I agree with you. None of it's fair."

Charlie hadn't even made it two minutes into third period Latin when he found himself blinking up at Mrs Burton from the floor. He had had no recollection of how he had got there but his classmates had quickly made it clear that he had collapsed on his way to his seat.

Nobody had caught him.

He had then had the mortifying experience of being wheeled through school by the nurse who had been summoned because he wasn't deemed fit to walk to medical himself.

Luckily, his dad had been the one to come and pick him up. The nurse had given him strict instructions to let Charlie take the rest of today and all of tomorrow off school.

Usually this would have been excellent news for Charlie but at the moment, he didn't know if he could trust himself to be alone with his thoughts, with nothing to distract himself. And nothing helped his mental spirals calm down like solving an equation or translating some Latin. Well, he could think of one other thing…

As soon as Charlie had gotten home, he had been allowed to go straight to his room for a lie down. There had been no one home except him and his dad and the house felt peaceful for once.

Peaceful, but unsettling.

Charlie couldn't help but dread what was coming for him when his mum eventually got home…

He had spent the afternoon wrapped up in bed, watching Nick's frantic texts come through, thinking and overthinking about how best to reply. He knew what Nick would say if Charlie told him the truth. How even more worried he would be.

It had stressed Charlie out so much that he had turned his phone off again. He had slipped it out of sight into the pocket of his blazer which he'd hung on his wardrobe door.

Several hours later, when the house was dark and everyone else was asleep - no one had bothered Charlie all evening, not even to make him go downstairs to eat - Charlie, restless, found himself reaching for his phone again.

As he slipped his hand inside the pocket, he heard a crunch.

He drew out a packet of very squished Mini Cheddars.

Charlie frowned. He had a sneaking suspicion as to who had put them there. The realisation made him feel even more guilty for hiding stuff from his boyfriend.

Nick deserved the world. But Charlie knew he wasn't worth that.

Still, maybe he could do this one thing for him.

Charlie climbed back under his covers, set the pillows back so he could sit up and grasped the packet in shaking hands. He took several deep, steadying breaths and slowly pried the bag open.

He tried not to breathe through his nose too deeply, knowing the smell could set him back.

Just eat them, Charlie. It's not hard.

In one big movement, Charlie sunk his hand into the bag, pulled out a biscuit and put the whole thing in his mouth. It wasn't until he had chewed and swallowed that he realised he was crying.

God, you are pathetic, Charlie. Why do you have to make such a big deal about everything? It's just a biscuit. It won't kill you.

When he had managed a second biscuit, he should have known trying a third was just tempting fate.

At least he made it to the bathroom before he threw up this time. Granted, there wasn't much to come up. He hadn't eaten in two days.

Charlie sank onto the cold bathroom floor, disgusted with himself.

He didn't know how long he sat there but at some point, he flitted across the room and turned the lock on the bathroom door.

He rummaged through the little stand beside the bath. He didn't know whether the razors were his mum's or Tori's but the plastic he broke off and binned was pink.

He double checked the lock, then found the first aid kit where it had always been kept. Even though it had been a while, his subconscious still remembered how to do this.

Charlie settled with his back against the side of the bath with the bandages, gauze, antiseptic wipes and of course, the blade.

His hands shook but he knew they would stop soon.

His eyes were dry as they spotted the sleeve of Nick's hoodie hanging out from the laundry basket in the corner. The sight only slowed down the inevitable.

No voice in his head told him to stop this time.

Exhausted, Nick had made the mistake of falling asleep as soon as he had gotten home from school.

When his mum had woken him for dinner, he had managed to make it through without dropping off into his Yorkshire puddings, but he had officially scuppered his sleep cycle for today and so, by midnight he was still no longer in the least bit tired.

Nick lay awake, scrolling through his camera roll.

So many memories of happier days, different times. He noticed with some sadness the distinct lack of photos from after Wednesday 2nd June.

He hovered over a picture of Charlie smiling goofily up at the camera. He was sitting on Nick's bed, game controller discarded beside him, hair ruffled, Nellie at his feet.

Charlie rarely smiled like that anymore.

Even the Nick in the photos seemed like someone else. A him from a different life.

No.

That was his life. That was the same life as this one right now.

They could get there again. There would be more photos. More smiles. More happy memories.

Hopefully a lifetime of them.

There had to be.

The moment he made the first cut his hands stilled. As did his brain. And everything fell quiet and calm and right.

The pain was sharper than he had remembered but soon, he welcomed it like an old friend.

At first two seemed enough. Two on each arm felt reasonable.

Then the second one on his left arm ended up a little longer than the others and he needed to even them out of course.

So, then there were three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Perfect.

Each line was no more than an inch long.

He watched, a little mesmerised, as the blood beaded and then rolled down his wrists.

He could have sat there and watched them for hours. Until he bled out. But he knew he couldn't.

That would be stupid.

And Charlie knew he was stupid.

Fucking stupid. Selfish. Pathetic.

Fuck. What had he done?

Tears splattered onto the bandages as he cleaned and wrapped his arms.

Just like riding a bike, he thought darkly as he taped the end of the fabric down.

He heard the sound of his own cold laughter as if from afar, as if he had been pushed to the back of his own mind, as if the dark voices that usually lived there had secured the front.

As he crawled into bed he remained there, held hostage, until he fell into a cold, dead sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, the dark thoughts had fucked off somewhere and left Charlie alone to pick up the pieces of the mess they had made.

Someone had left a glass of water on his bedside table. He suspected it had been Tori.

Head spinning, he sat up and gulped it down. His head still ached miserably and his mouth still had a horrible metallic taste in it but at least it wasn't as dry.

The clock by the bed told him it was almost ten o'clock. He couldn't remember the last time he had been allowed to sleep in this late.

Charlie found himself looking contentedly at the collage of photographs arranged on the wall above his bed. He liked to do that sometimes, especially after a bad day. When the good things in his life seemed a million miles away, here was proof that he could be happy. He had been before and he could be again.

Charlie ignored the ache beneath his sleeves, got up, crossed the room and retrieved his phone from his blazer pocket.

As he went to slide back under the covers, he stepped on something crunchy.

It was the Mini Cheddars.

He quickly chucked them onto his desk and flopped back down to turn on his phone.

His many, many missed notifications spilled out in quick succession. Tao, Aled, Elle, Tara, Darcy, even one from both Sai and Christian. However, the single voicemail from Nick made him disregard the rest.

Shit.

Nick must have been really worried if he had resorted to calling him.

Charlie's heart only continued to sink further as he listened…

"Hey, Char. It's me. Please please call or text me back. I know you're going through something. I know you don't want to talk about it and that's fine but I'm still so so worried about you. I just need to know if you're okay. Please text me back. Even if it's just an emoji or something. Anything. Please? I love you."

"You're lucky your dad has seen it fit to give back your phone privileges," said Jane as she entered without knocking, lips forming a straight line once again.

Charlie's hands tightened around the phone. "He has?"

"Against my better judgement." She sighed. "Listen, I can't pretend I didn't just hear that voicemail, and I have to say… I'm not sure it's healthy for you to be in such a serious relationship at your age, Charlie. You're too young to be throwing your life away on some silly high school romance. There are other more important things you need to be focusing on right now, like passing your exams. And I can't help but think, when he inevitably breaks up with you, it might destroy you. You're so fragile, Charlie. I can't let that happen… Which is why I've invited the Nelsons over for dinner this evening. I expect you to attend. I'm going to stop this foolishness once and for all - before anything happens that you can't come back from."

Jane shut the door behind her with a click.

Charlie stared after her, furious, but also disgusted at the part of his brain that agreed with a few of the points she had raised.

The phone in his hand buzzed. He glanced down.

Nick had sent him a text. There were no words, just a single photo.

It was of Snow Day. The same photo that currently sat in it's frame beside Charlie's bed.

CHARLIE (10:00): morning

CHARLIE (10:00): i love you

CHARLIE (10:00): i'm really sorry for not responding yesterday

CHARLIE (10:01): i had a pretty bad day :/ but i'm feeling better today though still got the day off

CHARLIE (10:01): i miss you ❤️ sorry for leaving you alone in form :(

CHARLIE (10:01): just realised you must be in class…

NICK (10:02): Charlieeeeee! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

This is the first chapter where I made myself cry while I was writing it... :'(

Thank you to everyone who is reading this story, I really appreciate it! If you could spare a moment to leave me a nice comment then that would really make my day ;)