STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY
Awry
by Anna Iram
There had to be a reason. Loving someone was supposed to be an okay thing, not a mistake. Didn't it say so somewhere in the Bible, in some parable or other?
"He's a murderer, Kaoru!"
Granted, homicide was frowned upon by nearly all religions known to man. She herself wasn't very keen on the whole idea, though she hazarded that there had to be a reason – preferably a good one involving self defense.
"He's all kinds of wrong for you, child."
But what was right? Kenshin held doors open for her, helped her out of her jacket and never let her pay for her half of dinner: he was a true gentleman, unlike most of the men she had dated before. Kenshin always accepted leaflets handed out on the street, did volunteer work at an old age home and took recycling seriously: he was socially aware and kind on a daily basis, things not everyone could boast about.
"Sorry jou-chan, but he just ain't over her yet."
Reasonably, being a widower, Kenshin still held great affection for his late wife. Reasonably, being second best tended to drive Kaoru mad and, were she to give it some thought, she would have to agree that it wasn't all that healthy for her to invest so much in someone who was still slightly unglued. Then again, didn't Shakespeare mention something about falling in love never being that great an idea? Either way, Romeo and Juliet certainly were quite the paradigms in that respect.
"You're not good enough for someone like him."
To the best of her abilities, she tried to be all he could ever hope to need from a woman. She was a lover, a mother and a child. She was a friend, first and foremost, and she would be a wife to him and bear his children, if ever he decided to let her love him like she yearned to.
"He's too old for you."
She came up short quite often – it was no secret to her at all – but didn't she get points for effort? If school had ever taught her anything was that grades were a bunch of numbers that never added up. Wit, sensibility and kindness were qualities that could not be made to fit into a scale of one to ten. And the way his rare and ever treasured smiles lit up her day…no one could put a price on that, much less an age.
"When does your flight leave?"
Geography had always been one of her favorite subjects, even though she had ended up majoring in Industrial Design. That alone was proof enough that nothing was ever as simple as it should be. Because choices of any kind are hard to make. The existence of variables, and doubts alike, fogs mirrors, windows too.
Geography, nowadays, was something she viewed with disdain and ever growing fear. That was yet another reason as to why everyone kept meddling. Because he would not ask her to follow. The existence of variables, and doubts alike, positions The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come by the window seat as a lonely heart orders a scotch from the stewardess pushing a blue beverage cart down the aisle.
"I really don't know what he sees in you, busu."
Life was a mystery, like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates. And, to be perfectly honest, there were times when she had to side with her younger brother, because she too had no idea as to what would drive someone like Kenshin to look at her twice. She was plain, bookish and nothing close to the beautiful woman in the wedding picture sitting on his nightstand. There were days when all she wanted to do was smash that picture frame against the wall and rip the photo it contained to shreds. She was only human, after all. Plus, every once in a while, he was still in love with someone else, wasn't he?
"Tell me it's okay to love you."
Confirmation was all she needed to be at peace, but it had to come from him. The world, as far as she was concerned, didn't matter. The world could take its opinions and go plant a tree somewhere for all she cared. Except… it would have been kind of nice if, at the very least, her friends gave her the thumbs up. Because he never her told her and that hurt more than anything.
He got lost in her eyes sometimes – she could tell! – and she knew that he instantly felt more at ease as soon as she wove their fingers together when they were out in public. But, as far as reasons went, he kept those to himself.
He kissed her, he held her, he slow danced with her and she lost herself in his arms, but never did he say that it was okay for her to feel the way she did. Never did he let her know that theirs wasn't an honest mistake and little else.
"Why?"
The fact that he was polite wasn't enough, was it? Charm could go a long way, just not long enough. Besides, he had committed murder and that was clearly the elephant in the room as soon as anyone got wind of the truth; manners simply had nothing against taking a life.
"Why?"
A divided heart made living hell. Tomoe's memory was hard to get around, especially since he was so determined to remember every single thing about her. It was hard to not feel put down, though it was harder still to not indulge him. He meant no harm. Sometimes, he just missed his wife and, though he denied it, Kaoru knew he felt guilty. Even so…
"Why, Kaoru? Why won't you give up on us?"
Because the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Which girl didn't ever dream of meeting her very own Prince Charming and get let down? And, even so, is that truly a valid reason to give up on love? Because the circumstances, timing and the man himself aren't perfect? Then, what's the point?
"I'm in love with you."
There was a reason. And maybe it wasn't okay and maybe it was a mistake and when she opened her eyes and he was already gone it certainly would feel wrong and hopeless.
It certainly wasn't fair that the night he finally opened his mouth preceded the morning he would pick up his suitcase, kiss her brow and walk away.
But they loved each other. Despite the many obstacles that plagued a relationship doomed from the very start, Kaoru Kamiya and Kenshin Himura loved one another. That was reason enough, plans gone awry or no.
"I'm coming, Kenshin."
And so it was that when she woke up to the empty pillow by her side and she thought she would die for sure, her eyes widened, for she found something more. A plane ticket. At last, he asked her to follow. And gladly she would go.