Chapter 6: Doubts and Fears
Waking up to find the bed empty on the other side was among several of the things Lois hated about starting her day. She missed those early morning talks she and Richard used to have, and as well the other perks of being an engaged woman. Now as she lay in bed, Lois considered calling in to the Planet and asking for more time off work. These past two weeks had been time for she and Jason to get used to the new change in their lives, and while Jason seemed on the mend, Lois felt worse.
Lois had never liked the unknown, she had always liked to find the truth of things and see them in a clear cut manor. Now, however, her life was not as clear cut as it once had been. She and Richard had already called off the engagement, and even though Clark and Superman had left her alone for the past two weeks, she knew that she had to make some decisions about how things should work out between them. Taking a look at the alarm clock on her night stand to the left of her bed, Lois groaned and sat up.
An hour and a half, later, Lois pulled her car into the carpool line at Jason's school. In the back passenger side seat, her son was watching Lilo and Stitch, a favorite movie of his, but as she looked at him through her rearview mirror, Lois saw him looking out the window. "Jason," she said, and waited as she got his attention. "I want you to stay here today. I don't want you to sneak off as you did the last time," Lois said gently, and actually saw a smile as well as a look of mischief in his eyes.
When his mommy told him that, Jason thought back to that particular day, and how much fun he had with Rebecca. He also remembered how Superman had swooped down from the sky and snatched them from the highway, taking them high up in the air. "I will be good mommy," he finally said as his teacher, Miss Pelfrey, opened the door. Jason blew his mommy a kiss and then held his teacher's hand as she led him over to the line of students in his class.
Once she was on Highway 233, heading into Metropolis, Lois turned on the news, and the first words she heard from the news caster was how Superman had saved hundreds of residence in California from a landslide caused by all of the rain they had been having. "It's nice to know someone can count on you," Lois said as she hit another button hearing the same report on that station. She tried a third station, and again it was reporting on Superman's save. Not paying attention to the road, Lois didn't see the stalled car in front of her coming up fast, and then when she did look she turned the wheel hard to the right and lost control.
At his desk, Clark had just started on an article on Superman's resent activities in California, when his phone began to ring. Without missing a beat he picked it up and found Lois on the other end, sounding very shaken. "Lois, hold on," he said as she talked all at once. Even with his super abilities, trying to decipher what she was telling him due to her frantic insistent tone, Clark had a hard time trying to make out what she was telling him. "Lois, Lois, slow down," he finally said. He heard her take a few breaths, and when she began again she told him she was at the hospital, and that he needed to meet her there.
Not far from Clark's desk, Jimmy had developed some great photos of the man in blue, and after printing those out he turned around to tell Clark to have a look, but found his desk empty. Not more than a minute earlier Jimmy could have sworn he was there, and wondered why Clark always seemed to disappear.
When Clark arrived at Metropolis Hospital, he expected Lois to be there for some kind of story, when he didn't find her in the lobby and asked the receptionist if she had seen Miss Lane, he was informed that he would find her in room 207. Still expecting her to have found some sort of story, Clark made his way to that room, and when he opened the door, he found his partner and friend occupying the bed. Lois had a gauze bandage over the left side of her forehead. Clark also noticed that her left cheek looked bruised, and realized now why she had been so frantic. Quickly he walked over to the chair by the right side of the bed and sat down.
Lois wasn't much in the mood for talking, her car was totaled, and her nerves were frazzled. She knew this wasn't any of Clarks fault, but she still felt on the defensive. "I have to stay here over night for observations, so I need you to pick up our son from school," Lois said, and then added, "You also need to go and get him a new booster seat."
"Lois, I'm sorry, I…" Before he could say anymore she was looking at him, and he could see the hurt in her eyes.
"You what, you would have been there? Look I know you can't be everywhere all at once, I've been down that road where I know you have obligations to everyone else too, and I'll be fine," she said, though inside she really was not. Before she could say another word she found his lips on hers, and all other thoughts of trying to get rid of him left her mind. His kiss was gentle, and it had done its job to shut her up. When he gently pulled away from her, Lois was speechless.
As much as he loved Lois, Clark needed her to hear him out, and when she had interrupted him, and started talking about how she knew he had to be there for everyone else, all he could think about was kissing her, and for once he went with what was human and did just that. "You and Jason are important to me, more than everyone else. Yes I have an obligation to help others, but not at the cost of keeping you safe." Clark knew discussing this here was not a good idea, and realized that it was time for him to go get the things he would need for Jason this evening. "Get some rest," he said as he leaned in and kissed her again. He looked at her for a moment, amused at the shocked look on her face, and then he turned toward the door, throwing out a goodbye before he left.
Long after he had gone, Lois tried to figure out what had just happened. She had never seen Clark so confident, though she knew in reality that he was, and that in the disguise of Clark Kent he was shy and less confident, she had never seen him break from his routine act until just a little bit ago. Without even realizing it her fingers went to her lips, and as she drifted off to sleep, she pushed the voices of reason away, deciding that she would worry about that later.
After purchasing a new booster seat for his truck, and one for Lois's car, Clark had gone back to his house and finished Jason's room. He had gotten his old bed from the farm before his mom moved away, and an old dresser as well as a desk. He had completed painting Jason's room and arranging the furniture weeks ago, but had not put any sheets on the bed, and so he had spent the time between his visit with Lois and when he was to pick up his son, getting it all ready for Jason's stay this evening.
On is way to the school, Clark thought about what had happened to Lois and knew that he would have to come to terms with not always being able to know when she, or even Jason was in danger. If he was going to find a way to make things work out with the woman he loved, then he would have to realize that even as Superman he wasn't perfect, and he guessed that was why his father had told him that even though he had been raised as a Human, he was not one of them. Jor-El had never visited earth, to his knowledge, but he seemed to know about human nature, and Clark guessed that his father had wanted to spare him the pain of the sort of relationship he was now facing with Lois. Clark knew there was more to it than that, but right now as he pulled into the carpool line at his son's school, he pushed those thoughts aside.
Standing next to Rebecca, Jason listened as she told him her own Joke. Today hadn't been too bad; they had a visit from a police officer who had taught them about strangers, though Jason had known all the man had taught, because his mommy had told him not to talk to people he didn't know. The part Jason liked about that visit, was getting to pet Nora, the German Shepherd who helped Officer Jones.
Rebecca had finished her Joke only to find that Jason wasn't really paying attention to her. "Jason did you hear a word I said?"
Jason looked at her and before he could defend himself, Miss Pelfrey was walking toward him. Looking out at the line of cars waiting to pick up the students at his school, Jason didn't see his mommy's car, and then spotted the red pickup. "I'll see you tomorrow Rebecca," he called out as he walked toward the pickup wondering why his mommy wasn't there. Since the pickup was higher off the ground than his mommy's car, Jason let his teacher help him into his booster seat, and after he was strapped in he turned toward his dad. "Where is mommy?"
Clark pulled out of the carpool line, onto the narrow road which led out to the Highway, and knew he had to tell Jason, but he wasn't looking forward to it. "Your mommy hurt herself today, and she has to stay in the hospital tonight," he said glancing over at his son who was starring at him in shock and disbelief.
Hearing that his mommy was hurt scared Jason and when he finally did find his voice he told his dad that they needed to go there so that he could take care of her. "Mommy needs me," he said trying his best not to cry.
Even though he had promised Lois not to bring Jason by the hospital, Clark was having second thoughts about that now. "Jason, she doesn't want you to see her there, she doesn't want you to worry," he said, though he knew his little boy was very worried. He couldn't look at him because he was driving, but Clark could hear his heart beating very fast, and then he heard Jason's sharp intake of breath, and realized that his little boy was having an Asthma attack. Glancing in his rearview mirror, Clark made sure he was far enough ahead of the other cars to make a break for the side of the road, and when he stopped his truck he used his x-ray vision to locate Jason's inhaler, which was in his back pack. Clark got that out and put it in Jason's hand, and watched as his son took a puff of the medicine.
His lungs suddenly hurt, and Jason knew he had to calm himself down the way his mommy had always taught him to do. He shut his eyes, and focused on drawing in fresh air to his lungs and after a few moments they started to feel better. "I'm scared," he said in a tiny voice and then he found himself being taken out of his booster, and a moment later he was in the comforting arms of his father.
"She will be okay pal, I'm sorry I scared you," Clark said feeling guilty. He should have gotten Jason back to his house, and guessed there would be mistakes like that for a while until he got used to being a dad. When he was sure Jason would be all right, Clark got him back in his seat, buckled in, and then headed for home.
Her phone ringing roused Lois from her restless sleep, and when she answered it she found Jason on the other end. "Hi munchkin, boy am I glad to hear your voice," she said, and she truly was.
Seated in the big overstuffed recliner at his daddy's house, Jason was dressed for bed, and his hair was still wet from the bath he had taken just a little bit ago. "Mommy, are you going to be home tomorrow when I get home from school?"
"Yes, I'm doing much better. How was your day with your dad?" Lois asked, interested to see if Jason had a good time, or if being with Clark had made him miss Richard.
Jason thought about the fun he had with his father, and told his mom all about the big yard in back of the house. "Dad even has a swing put up for me, and it's made out of wood. I can climb up the ladder and go into a fort and then I can slide down the sliding board, and in the middle there is a hole with a rope and I climbed down that, but daddy had to help me," Jason said.
On her end, hearing how happy her baby was lessened the guilt she was feeling over having to spend the night in the hospital. She didn't get a word in for nearly ten minutes as Jason told her about his new room, and about the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Then Jason was silent, and when he talked again he suddenly sounded very sad.
Just as he was about to tell her about playing pass with his daddy, Jason was told by his father that it was time to let mommy get some rest. "Daddy says I have to go now," Jason said suddenly feeling very afraid. During his full day of play with his dad, Jason had not considered that he would be sleeping in a bed he had never used, and that for the first time in his life, his mommy would not be there to kiss him goodnight. Even when his other daddy had been with them, and Mommy came home after he went to bed, Jason had always known she had come to check on him, but tonight he realized that she would not.
"Jason, I love you, and I want you to have sweet dreams," Lois said realizing that her little boy was fretting over her not being there. She heard him sniff and wanted to jump up out of the hospital bed and go over to Clark's and hold her baby in her arms, but her head was hurting, and she knew she needed to take it easy. "I will see you in the morning," Lois tried and heard another sniff, and then she heard Clark's voice. "Give him lots of kiss for me," she said.
While he hugged Jason, Clark agreed to give him lots of kiss, and hugs, and then told Lois not to worry about them, and to get some rest. When he switched off the phone, Clark stood up with Jason in his arms, and he could feel hot tears on his neck as Jason pressed his face against him. "Did you know that the bed in your room used to be my bed when I was a little boy?" Clark asked as he carried Jason through the living room to the hall leading to the bedrooms. He felt Jason move his head back and forth once, and hugged him a little tighter.
In Jason's room Clark had left the lights on to help the stars glow when they were turned out. The bed was against the far wall under the window, and with one hand, Clark pulled the quilt his mother had made for Jason, and the sheets down before he leaned over, and put him on the new mattress. Jason had a single tear going down his right cheek, and Clark took his thumb and wiped it away before he kissed him there. "I promised your mom to give you lots of kisses for her," he said as he placed another kiss on the other cheek. When he drew away he found Jason looking at him.
For some reason, one Jason could not figure out, he suddenly didn't feel so bad about being here. His new room was a little bigger than the one at the house he lived in with his mommy, and he felt safe here, even though he had never spent the night with his daddy before. "Daddy, why didn't Superman help mommy today?" Jason now knew that his mommy had wrecked her car, and that was the reason she was in the hospital.
As soon as Jason asked that question, Clark felt a pang of guilt but pushed it aside, knowing that his son needed an answer. "I'm not sure pal. Even though Superman can help people and does his best to do that, he can't always know when someone is in danger, even your mommy." Clark watched as Jason yawned, and reached out putting his hand on Jason's head. "Now you need to get some rest, and if you need me my room is right across the hall," he said. He leaned forward and placed kiss on Jason's forehead. "Goodnight," he said as he stood up. Clark crossed the room and turned the lights out watching as Jason gazed at the glow in the dark stars. One day when Jason was old enough to understand, Clark would tell him about Krypton, and how the stars on the ceiling were patterned after the stars in the system where Krypton had once existed.
Once in his own room, Clark sat down on his bed removing his glasses. He was free to let his emotions go, and closed his hand into a tight fist as he thought about what had happened today. The woman he loved had been lucky not to have any more hurt than what she had ended up with. He knew that Lois needed time to get over what she had with Richard, but he also knew that they couldn't play around like this forever. He loved her, as he had once told the ghost figure of his mother at the Fortress of Solitude. As he settled back against the pillows on his bed, he again considered all of the wisdom he had been given by his father, and knew that Jar-El could never have foreseen how much he had come to love this world, and to some extent his existence as a human in the form of Clark Kent.
As Superman, he was expected to be perfect, and not only by those he served to help protect, but also by his own standards. Long ago, when he first began that part of his life, Clark had realized that his help and generosity to others was what gave people hope, and because of that Superman had to live by standards higher than any man walking the planet today. It was why he struggled with ever having anything more with Lois than a few stolen kisses, though now that Jason was here, that had changed things.
As his father lay in his room pondering his life, Jason looked up at the stars on his ceiling noticing the red star, which was slightly bigger than all of the rest. As he looked up at the stars, his heavy lids began to shut, and as he drifted off to sleep, Jason's dreams took him back to the Gertrude. Seated on his mothers lap, Jason looked at the green crystal object the man called Lex Luther held in is hands, and even though he knew something like that was sort of pretty, something about it scared him, and he could also tell that it was scarring his mother too. Lex asked his mommy who his father was, and when she said it was Richard he asked her if she was sure. The images in his dream suddenly changed, and suddenly his body hurt all over, worse than he had ever been able to feel. In his bed, Jason tossed and turned trying to push away the pain but it just got worse and worse, and he knew somehow that it was because of the green stone.
Something woke Clark from his sleep, and instantly he tuned his hearing to Jason and heard him thrashing about in his bed. Grabbing his glasses from the night stand on the right side of his double bed, Clark was at Jason's side in less than a second. He could see that Jason was dreaming and was in some sort of pain. As he knelt down next to the bed, Jason woke up and sat up, and Clark quickly held him close. "Shhh," he said as Jason began to cry.
"I was hurt daddy, why did the green rocks hurt me?" he said as Clark settled on the bed next to him. He remembered his entire dream, even about the piano, and that confused him so much. "I hurt the bad man with the Piano so he wouldn't hurt my mommy, why can I do those things?"
Jason now lay against his left side and Clark thought about telling him the truth. "I am not sure why that happened Jason," he finally said, hating to lie to his little boy. Jason clung to him, and Clark began to rub his back.
"Lex Luther asked mommy who my daddy was, was he talking about you, can you do things like that daddy?" Jason asked as he lifted his head from Clark's chest too look at him. He watched his daddy, waiting for an answer, needing to know what was happening to him.
"I think that Lex did that to worry your mommy, he doesn't like her because she helped Superman put him in prison before you were born," said Clark wondering if this would be the night Jason found out the truth.
Again Jason thought that over, and knew that Lex Luther lied about things, which he himself was not allowed to do. Jason started to get sleepy, and rested his cheek against his dad's chest listening to the steady beat of his heart. He wanted to ask more questions but he suddenly felt very sleep, and even though he didn't want to go back to sleep his lids shut over his eyes.
Clark lay in bed next to his son holding him in his arms, until he was sure that Jason was asleep. When he was sure, Clark placed Jason against the pillow, and then got out of his bed pulling the covers back over his body. He thought that when Jason was older he could know the truth about Superman, but after what he had just witnessed, he knew he and Lois would have to figure out when the best time would be to tell him of his true heritage.
The next morning, shortly after breakfast, Clark arrived in her hospital room to help her get ready for home. Lois's whole body hurt, and for once she didn't mind letting Clark help her. As she sat in one of the chairs, she directed him on what she wanted to take home, and as he finished packing her bags, her doctor came into the room and gave her one more look over.
"I've called in a prescription for some higher strength aspirin should you need that," Dr. Karen Sullivan said satisfied with Lois's condition.
Once she had gone, Lois let Clark help her out of the chair, and held his hand as they walked out of the hospital room. "Did you tell Perry about the accident?" Lois asked as they waited for the elevator to take them down to the first level.
It always amazed Clark that Lois could be so obviously hurt and still think about other things, instead of her own needs. "Yes, he wants you to take as much time off as you need," he replied as they entered the elevator.
On the ride home Lois fell asleep in the passenger seat of his truck, and when he got to the house, Clark went around to her side, and managed to get her out without waking her. Holding Lois cradled in his arms, Clark got the door to her house opened, and then once he was inside shut it with his foot before he went upstairs and laid her in her bed. Lois still had a gauze patch over her forehead, and though she had not told him the extent of her injuries, he knew from his own look of her, that she had one cracked rib, as well as being bruised pretty much all over her front and sides from the seatbelt.
Once Lois was settled in, Clark got her luggage in the house, and then settled downstairs on her sofa thinking about what had happened last night with Jason. He woke up one other time crying about the green rocks, and Clark realized it was Kryptonite. Whenever Lois woke up he needed to know if Jason had the same reaction to it as he did, and if so, he wasn't sure what they would do.
Much later, Lois woke up in her own bed, and for a moment she let the sounds of the birds chirping outside lull her, and then she realized that Clark must have brought her up to her bed and sat up, gasping as she felt the pain from her cracked rib and bruised body. As she began to recover from the pain, she heard a knock at her door a moment before he entered her room.
"How do you feel?" Clark asked as he carried a tray full of good food to eat, and as well her pain medication.
Lois considered telling him to go away, but then she looked at his eyes, and found that even if she did that, he would not listen, and after that kiss in the hospital she realized that he was likely not going to let her push away the inevitable any more. As he put the tray down, Lois helped him put her pillows behind her, and when she leaned back he put the tray on her lap.
"Lois, I know you must be tired, but we need to talk about Jason. Has he ever been exposed to Kryptonite?"
His words startled her, and when she looked at him as he sat down on the edge of her bed, Lois noticed the worried look in his eyes. "On the ship, Lex had a cylinder made out of Kryptonite. When Jason saw it I felt his body tense, but I don't think it hurt him, I think it just scared him, why?" she asked now worried about her little boy.
Clark guessed that even though Jason didn't know a thing about Kryptonite, somehow by instinct, his little boy knew that the stuff was dangerous. "He had a few dreams about green rocks and how they made him hurt," he finally said.
Lois had never known her son to have any sort of bad dreams and asked, "What did you tell him?"
"He wanted to know why the rocks hurt him and why he can throw a piano across a room. I didn't tell him anything about Superman but I don't think we can ignore his need to know. Yes I realize he is only five years old but I am not comfortable keeping this from him," he said anticipating what she might say.
Suddenly Lois was angry and pushed her tray away. "So you want to tell him all about how you are Superman, and its okay because he is your son but you wouldn't tell me about it, and when I finally did figure it out you made me forget."
He realized she had a point and tried to tell her he was sorry but she wouldn't have any of that.
"You have said your sorry enough. The other day when you came to the hospital you kissed me. Did you do it because you loved me, or because you wanted me to be quiet?" she asked coldly.
Clark knew he had to be honest with her. "I kissed you because I'm tired of walking on egg shells. I love you Lois, and at one time you felt the same way. I know I left and I can't change that, but I won't let you push me away anymore."
Just as quickly as her anger had flared up, it went away at his words, and Lois shut her eyes. "I love you too, but I don't know if I can cope with you being gone saving the world, while I wait and worry about what might happen to you. I worry about Jason, and how he will react if we let this happen." She looked at him and could see the love and compassion in his eyes; it was what had drawn her to him all those years before.
Reaching out with his left hand, Clark placed it against her right cheek. "I don't know what will happen to us, and I am afraid for you and Jason, not because of me, but because of my enemies, if anyone found out about us, that would put both of you in more danger than I want to see you in," he finally said.
Lois reached up and put her hand over his. "We might just have to find a place outside the city far enough away from neighbors so that when you do have to go and help other people, the neighbors wont see you leaving, and as for Jason and I, we will figure that out as we go," she said, hardly believing that this was happening. Clark's hand left her cheek and moved behind her head, and as he drew her toward him, Lois felt her heart leaping around in her chest. His kiss was gentle at first, but then he deepened it, and she reached out and pulled him closer as she leaned back against her pillows. Her whole body was alive with sensation as his hands traveled down her back and as they continued to kiss. When he pulled away she opened her eyes and saw desire in his eyes, and then a look of guilt. "Don't you dare do that," she said softly. "I may be all bruised up, but I don't regret what we just shared and I expect you not to regret it either." Lois felt very tired, and cursed herself for her careless driving. She watched as Clark took the tray away, and sighed as he kissed her again.
Clark had never known someone like he had Lois, and as he left her room to let her sleep he began to allow himself to dream. He knew that they had a long road ahead of them, and that even though they both admitted their love for one another, that they would both still have their doubts from time to time. As he entered the kitchen and began to clean off her lunch dishes, he focused on the task at hand, hoping that one day he could have the normal life he had dreamed of for so long.
AN. I just wanted to thank all of you for reviewing thus far. This chapter got replaced to correct a few things, and thanks goes out for my mistake on the spelling of Jor-El...anyway thanks for reading and hang on, cause Right now this thing is takinga mind of its own...