Author's Note - Whee. More Remus now. xD

I realize that I'm taking a really long time between updates, but I have a huge pile of homework. I'm doing the best I can.

Thanks to my reviewers for all critiques and suggestions. I really do appreciate it. I've tried to work them into this chapter. As a reminder, taking time to critique my writing is the biggest compliment you could give me. I will never take offense from any legitimate crit. Don't be shy!

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Hiei17Jaganshi, who started reading Harry Potter in an effort to understand what's going on in this story. D Good for you!

Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter. Or Tonks. Or Remus. Or anything else, for that matter. 3

Chapter 5

I stared at it, paralyzed by fear.

No matter how much I had worried lately, there had been a part of me that stubbornly refused to think that he could leave. That he could die. My hands shook as I clutched the parchment, gripping it so hard I feared it would tear.

Something about those three words brought home to me that he really would be gone. Perhaps forever.

I would rather die alone, I could hear in my head, a cruel echo of his voice. I would rather die without the regret of losing you.

I wouldn't, I thought fiercely. I don't want to die with brown hair!

Three loud, sharp knocks sounded on the door, disturbing my thoughts. Molly jumped in surprise, looking frightened. "Who's there?" she called, her voice shaky and shrill. "Declare yourself!"

I could hear Dumbledore's voice behind the door. Oh no. I don't want to talk to him, I thought frantically. The conversation with Kingsley was too fresh on my mind. And Dumbledore had been the one who had given Remus his potentially fatal job. He was not my favorite person at the moment. The door opened, then closed. I heard two sets of footsteps entering.

"Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"

I looked up into his twinkling blue eyes, inwardly flinching. He had called me Nymphadora. Only Remus was allowed to do that.

Remus...

"Hello, Professor. Wotcher, Harry." I made a valiant effort to smile, trying to seem like my old self. I could feel Harry's eyes on my hair and began to understand how much he hated people staring at his scar.

"I'd better be off." My voice sounded rushed, and my movements were even more so. I almost dropped my cloak as I pulled it on. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."

As though coming from a world away, I heard Dumbledore's voice. The words meant nothing to me. I had to get away. I had to get to Remus. I had to see him before he left.

"No, no, I need to get going," I said at random, my eyes on the floor and my whole self focused inwards, on the fear that still gripped me. On him. "'Night -"

"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming -?"

I shook my head, halfway out the door already. I knew I wouldn't be able to be near him without crying or screaming, and I didn't want to do either if other people were around. "No, really, Molly... thanks anyway... Good night, everyone."

I almost ran past Dumbledore and Harry to get away. I Apparated, at the last second looking back to see that their eyes had followed me.

I reappeared seconds later in the alleyway across from the brick building that was serving as temporary headquarters. The tabby cat was still here, hissing and spitting at my sudden intrusion into it's territory.

I looked up from the sidewalk at the steps and door. Apparently Dumbledore hadn't made it Unplottable or used the Fidelius Charm, since it was temporary. Either that or they had been taken off recently.

The door was wood, oak probably, worn and ancient. At any other time it would have seemed almost comforting, but now it's dark stain made it look ominous. My hand, pale in the moonlight, reached for the brass knob, then jerked aside.

I have to go in, I told myself in what was meant to be a firm voice. It failed to convince me.

I forced myself to reach out and open the door. I closed it softly behind me, but still the muffled thud echoed through the still house.

"Remus?" I called, a noticeable quiver in my voice. I hoped there was a box of tissues handy. I was likely to need them before I left.

"I see you got the owl," said a familiar voice from further down the hall. Remus stepped forward, smiling at my hand. I hadn't realized I was holding the parchment in it. It was crumpled, I had been clutching it so tightly. I dropped it quickly, and it floated down to the dusty wooden floor. Molly had obviously not come in a while.

I nodded and bit my lip, looking out a window, before the explosion came. "How could you accept that job? Don't you realize how dangerous it is? You-"

"I think I realize the dangers more than you do, Tonks." His words may have been harsh, but his voice was as gentle as always.

Tonks? I could feel the wetness on my cheeks now. "You've never called me Tonks before. What about Nymphadora, or Nymph, or Nym?"

"I thought you wanted to be called Tonks."

"Not by you," I whispered, hoping it was too soft for him to hear.

If he had he didn't comment on it. "Dumbledore needed a spy. He needed me. It's dangerous, but it's necessasary. T--"

"Don't call me Tonks again." I found myself looking straight into his eyes, something I wouldn't have thought myself capable of mere minutes before. His expression didn't change, and he didn't respond.

What if this was the last time I saw him?

I closed my eyes, allowing more tears to fall and leave wetness on the dust-streaked floor.

"Don't cry... please..."

"Really?" I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand, glaring at him. "Don't cry? I have every reason to cry! You're going to go and get yourself killed! Tell me why I shouldn't cry."

"Because I haven't died yet, and I don't intend to. Save your tears for a more worthy time."

Damn. I hated it when he was right.

"B-But... chances are that you will..." My anger was forgotten, and I felt nothing but emptiness and the ever-present fear and worry.

"I've been running risks since the Order was called up a year ago. I've been in more danger before."

I chose to not reply to that. It would require asking what dangers he had been in before, and I honestly didn't want to know. More reasons not to sleep at night. "What time is it?"

"Nearly two."

"Why're you up?"

"Packing."

Only Remus would never leave that until morning, even when he was obviously tired. I looked out the window. A cloud had drifted over the moon, veiling it like a shred of morning mist.

It was hard to not burst out yelling like I had a week ago. But if he did die, I wouldn't want to have run out crying. I would want to be near him as long as I could stand.

His calm silence was driving me insane.

"When exactly are you going?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Why not later? Why tomorrow?" I was pleading now, and I knew it, but if there was any way I could get him to not go...

"The farther away from full moon, the better. Dumbledore doesn't think they'll accept me right away, if they do at all. And after Emmeline Vance and Madame Bones and all the people Greyback's attacked... the sooner the better." He grimaced. "I'm sorry. But I'm going tomorrow night. I just thought you'd want to know." He turned and walked away, back down the hall and into a room towards the end.

I bit my lip and followed him. He was packing again. The suitcase was almost full.

"Please don't die, Remus."

He looked up, his expression solemn. "I'll try not to, Nym."

"I'm Nym again, then?"

A fresh tear trickled down my face. Remus reached out and wiped it away.

"Don't cry," he whispered, almost too soft to hear.