Chapter Eight
The next day was the Solstice festival itself, the shortest day of the year.
Kara slipped out alone to the dawn service at the temple. It was the one Solstice tradition that she always kept. Even in the last few years, when she'd holed up in her room at the Academy and tried to pretend Solstice wasn't happening, she always went to the dawn service. She found the ritual comforting, liked to think of all the people who had knelt in the temple before her and listened to the same words of prayer as the priests welcomed the return of the sun.
When she returned to the house she found the Adamas eating breakfast.
"Hurry up and eat, Kara," said Zak, kissing her cheek as she sat down next to him. "Presents are waiting."
Caroline laughed. "Honestly, Zak! You're twenty, not twelve. Take as long as you like, Kara."
Presents. Kara was a little nervous about that. She hadn't had much experience in buying presents, and it was particularly hard for people you had only just met.
Much to her relief, Caroline and Lee seemed pleased with their gifts.
Caroline's was a plant. Zak had said she liked gardening, so Kara had picked it out at the garden centre the day before. She had no idea what kind of plant it was, but she liked the shape of the leaves, so she bought it. Caroline recognised it, though.
"Just what I needed for that shady spot by the gate. Thank you, Kara."
Lee's present was a joke she hadn't been able to resist. She grinned widely as he unwrapped the bottle of ambrosia.
"Rumour has it you haven't tried ambrosia before," she said teasingly. "I thought it might be a new experience."
Lee looked confused for a moment and then glared at Zak, who was laughing into a cushion.
"What have you been saying about me now? Kara, do me a favour and never believe anything this idiot tells you about me again. Thanks for the ambrosia, though."
Caroline looked a little startled when Zak opened his present from Kara.
"You bought him a gun?"
"It's a very good gun," said Kara defensively. "Much better than the fleet issue. He'll find it a lot more accurate at target practice-"
Caroline put a hand on her arm. "I wasn't criticising, Kara. And you certainly know what you're about." She looked resignedly at Zak who was bent over the gun, face intent. "He loves it."
She was much more enthusiastic over Zak's gift to Kara, which was a pair of VIP tickets to a Panthers game.
"You'll have to call me afterwards and tell me every single thing," she insisted. "Every single thing."
The odd thing was, Kara thought she actually might do it. She liked Caroline. She was kind. She had a good sense of humour. And she was tactful – not once had she asked Kara probing questions about her family and why she wasn't spending Solstice with them.
"Hey, there are two tickets," she joked. "Maybe I'll take you instead of him."
She unwrapped her own presents from Caroline and Lee curiously, wondering what they could have bought her.
Lee's present made her laugh – a fancy triad set with a pack of cards that had views of the Twelve Colonies on the back, and coloured plastic chips.
"Now you can kick ass at triad in style," he said with a grin.
Caroline's present was a block of quality drawing paper with a pack of fine drawing pencils.
"Zak mentioned you like to draw," said Caroline. "I wasn't quite sure what you used, but I thought I couldn't go far wrong with pencils and paper."
"Thank you," said Kara quietly. Her throat felt suddenly tight. "They're lovely."
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She thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the day. They watched a silly film while Lee cooked dinner, which turned out to be one of the best roast dinners Kara had ever eaten. She wondered if she could pay Lee to cook her Solstice dinner every year.
After dinner Zak and Caroline did the washing up while Lee and Kara played the board game Zak had given him that morning. It was a world domination game where the winner had to conquer all the twelve colonies. Lee had taken eight of them when Caroline interrupted to say that there was a phone call for Kara.
A phone call. For her?
Kara took the receiver out into the hall, wondering uneasily who it could be.
"Hello."
"Hello. Is that Lieutenant Kara Thrace?" She didn't recognise the voice. It was a woman, brisk and cheerful.
"Yes."
"Commander Fenner at the Picon Academy gave me this number to contact you. My name is Anne Renshaw, I'm ringing from the Woodvale Clinic on Tauron."
For a moment Kara couldn't breathe. She stared at the blue flowers on Caroline's wallpaper, trying to regain her balance.
"Lieutenant Thrace?" The woman's voice crackled over the line. "Are you still there?"
Kara's hand tightened on the receiver. "I'm here."
"Your mother asked me to call. She wants to speak to you."
"Why? Does she want to wish me a happy Solstice?" Memories from her childhood rushed back, of her mother stealing the money she had saved to buy booze, drunkenly stubbing out her cigarette on Kara's hand and thinking it was funny, giving her a black eye when she tried to hide the alcohol. "You can tell her it's a bit late for that."
"Lieutenant, your mother is very ill." Because her liver is finally packing up from all the hard drinking, thought Kara sourly. "She may not last very much longer."
"I don't care. I'm not speaking to her."
"I can give you our number in case you change your mind-"
"I won't," said Kara swiftly. She didn't need the number burning away in her pocket, eating away at her. Didn't need the temptation. The hope that maybe this time things would be different. That her mother might have changed. "I don't want to speak to her." She pressed the disconnect button before the woman could say anything else.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall, fighting back the lump in her throat.
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After that, some of the shine went out of the day for Kara, although she tried not to let the others see it. She talked just as much and laughed just as hard, and if her smile had a forced quality to it, no-one seemed to notice.
When she went to sleep that evening, the nightmares came.
She woke in a panic, gasping and thrashing, struggling for air. She pushed away the imprisoning sheets and rolled to the side of the bed, wrapping her arms around herself for comfort.
She lay there shuddering for a few moments as she fought free of the last remnants of the dream. Reminded herself that she was a grown woman, an officer of the colonial fleet, not a confused and frightened little girl. Ran her palms over her fingers, reassuring herself they weren't broken.
Thank the Lords she had decided to sleep in the spare room tonight. She had told Zak she couldn't cope with another night of his snoring, but really she had been half expecting this to happen. She didn't want him to see her like this.
The nightmares came only rarely now. Only when something happened to trigger them, to rouse her memories.
That phone call had been one hell of a trigger.
She looked at the clock. Three am.
She knew she should try to get back to sleep, but she couldn't quite face it. Not with the nightmares lurking, waiting to pounce.
Maybe she'd go downstairs, get a glass of water. Sit on the sofa until the knots in her stomach eased and she felt more settled. Maybe then she'd be able to sleep.
She pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and headed downstairs. There was a faint light in the hallway through the glass in the front door, but the kitchen was dark.
Kara switched on the light and blinked.
The kitchen wasn't empty. Lee was sitting at the kitchen table, blinking in return as his eyes adjusted to the sudden light.
"Kara?"
"Lee?" Kara was irritated; she didn't want to talk to anyone right now. "What the hell are you doing, sitting here in the dark?"
"Thinking," said Lee, looking slightly defensive. "What about you?"
"I just wanted a glass of water."
"Help yourself," said Lee, waving towards the sink. "Unless you'd like something stronger." He picked up the glass in front of him, and Kara realised he'd opened the bottle of ambrosia she'd given him earlier.
"Actually, that doesn't sound a bad idea." Nothing better than a shot of warm ambrosia to keep nightmares at bay. She got a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and sat down opposite Lee, pushing it towards him.
As he filled it she noticed that the ambrosia bottle was only half full. He'd obviously been here some time. "What's this? Still celebrating the festival?"
Lee's mouth twisted. "You could say that. After all, Solstice is a time for celebrating with your family, isn't it?"
Kara really didn't want to talk about families. She looked down at the table, and realised there was something lying next to Lee's glass. The phone.
She looked back up at him. "You thinking of calling somebody?"
His eyes shifted away from hers. "My father."
"Oh." Kara was surprised. "I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with him."
Lee sighed and took a swig from his glass. "I don't. But – something my mum said got me thinking. And – he is my father, after all."
"That doesn't mean you owe him anything," said Kara. She drained her glass and slammed it down on the table.
Lee looked at her empty glass and back at her face, looking slightly concerned. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. Pour me another."
Lee looked as if he might protest, but she fixed him with a glare and he poured her another glass.
"Dad's ship is still docked in Picon," he said after a moment. "It's morning there now. I thought I might call him. Wish him a happy Solstice."
"You might? How long have you been sitting here thinking about it?"
"Three hours." Lee half smiled. "I said might."
Kara decided to change the subject. If Lee was wavering about his father, then she might end up wavering too, and she would not. She absolutely would not.
"I haven't had a chance to talk you alone since the arcade," she said. "Did Zak tell you that we're staying together?"
Lee blinked slightly at the sudden change in topic. "Yes, he told me." He paused, looking at her awkwardly. "Look, Kara, I'm sorry for what I said to you that afternoon. You were right – it was none of my business, especially as far as you're concerned." He smiled ruefully. "The truth is I've got a lousy temper, and I always go too far when I lose it. Say things I don't mean."
"I'd noticed," muttered Kara, remembering the scene a few days ago in the kitchen. She realised he was watching her anxiously, and made herself smile.
"Don't worry about it, Lee. It's fine. You were just worried about Zak." She took a sip from her glass. "Though you might remember next time he is a grown man now. He can look after himself."
"I know that, Kara. But it doesn't change anything." Lee looked resigned. "I just can't shake the habit. Somehow I think I'll still be playing the protective older brother when he's fifty."
Kara had to laugh at the image that conjured up, and Lee joined her.
"So you don't mind?" she said after a moment, more seriously. "About us?"
"No," said Lee quietly, eyes holding hers. "Like you said, Zak's a grown man. It's his decision. And you're the one taking the biggest risk. If you're willing to do that – you must love him very much."
Kara looked away from him, suddenly awkward. "I do."
Silence for a moment, and then she heard Lee chuckle.
"Oh well. At least I know his flight training is in good hands."
Kara looked back at him, grateful for the lighter tone. She put on a cocky grin.
"Good? Don't you mean the best?"
"I'm not sure I'd go that far." Lee returned her grin. "After all, I haven't seen you fly a real viper yet."
"You know, I'm really looking forward to that simulator challenge," said Kara. "I'm going to make you eat your words."
"You think so?" Lee smiled smugly.
Their eyes met and locked. Kara could almost feel their gazes clash, something sparking in the air between them. It made her feel uncomfortable and she abruptly looked away, seeking refuge in her glass.
"Seriously though," said Lee after a moment, his voice sounding slightly strained. "How is Zak doing? With his flying?"
Kara looked up. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
Kara took a deep breath. "Not great."
Lee sat back in his chair. "I was afraid so."
"He's not useless," Kara defended, suddenly feeling guilty. "He works hard, he understands the mechanics of it. He just – flying just doesn't come naturally to him. He has to work at it."
Lee sighed. "I know. I didn't want him to apply for viper training, did he tell you that?"
"Yes. He's determined to prove you wrong."
"I know. I should have kept my mouth shut."
"Why were you against it?" Kara didn't understand. "Sure, Zak's not a natural pilot, but he'll get there. He'll never be a great pilot, but he'll be a perfectly adequate one."
"I'm sure he will." Lee drained his glass, mouth twisting. "But is that what he really wants? To be an adequate viper pilot when he could have been a great something else? Will it make him happy?"
Kara was silenced. She'd never really thought about that. She'd thought that naturally being a pilot would make Zak happy. How could anyone be unhappy if they were flying?
"I just wanted him to join a different part of the fleet," Lee was saying. "Become a marine, perhaps. A sniper. Something that suited his talents. Because I'm afraid he only applied for vipers to please Dad, not to please himself."
"Maybe," said Kara quietly. "But then maybe pleasing your dad is what makes him happy. Is that so wrong?"
"Yes!" Lee burst out. "He should live his life for himself, not for other people."
"Really?" Kara smiled sharply. "You know, it surprises me to hear you saying that."
"Why?" He looked annoyed.
"Well, haven't you done exactly the same thing? Followed in your father's footsteps like a good little boy?"
He was glaring at her now. "I didn't join the fleet because of him," he said tightly.
"Then why did you join?" Kara was genuinely curious. "From the way you talk about your dad, I would have thought you'd refuse to even consider it, just to piss him off."
Lee's face softened slightly. "Oh, I did. For years, I did. But then-"
"Then-?"
"Then I went up in a viper for the first time."
"Oh," breathed Kara. "Oh, I see."
Their eyes met and Lee smiled. "I don't have to explain it to you, do I? You know what I'm talking about."
Kara smiled at him. A rare, genuine smile, not holding anything back. "I do."
"It was a present from my father, of course," said Lee. "My sixteenth birthday. I was going to reject it, refuse to go, but Mum made me." He smiled reminiscently. "Best thing she ever did for me. It was only a ten minute trip, but from then on I was hooked. I knew all I wanted was to be a viper pilot." He looked at her, slightly awkward. "It was like I'd found the place I belonged."
"Me too," said Kara gruffly. "It was after I hurt my knee. I couldn't play pyramid any more, didn't know what to do with myself. The husband of the physiotherapist who was helping me recover was a viper pilot. He offered to take me up for a flight, thought it might cheer me up. And when he did-" She smiled at Lee. "It was just like you said. I knew that this was where I belonged, what I wanted to do. I've never looked back."
They smiled at each other, and Kara suddenly felt very close to him. She'd never met anyone before who understood how she felt about flying. Not really. Oh, Zak understood it intellectually, but he didn't feel it. Not like Lee obviously did.
She thought later that maybe it was that sense of kinship, of fellow feeling, that brought out what she said next. Or maybe it was the ambrosia.
Either way she found the words bursting out of her mouth.
"I found out today that my mother's dying."
Lee's hand froze, the glass halfway to his lips. He stared at her for a moment, and then carefully put it down.
"The phone call?"
He didn't miss much. Kara nodded.
"It was a nurse from the clinic she's in. She wanted to speak to me."
"And did you?"
"No." Kara clenched her hands around the glass. "I couldn't."
"And now you can't sleep." Lee's voice was suddenly gentle.
"No. I can't talk to her," she said desperately. "I can't."
"You don't have to."
"I can't let her hurt me again."
"Then don't." Lee put out his hand and touched hers. Kara jumped at the contact. "Kara, why are you telling me this? Shouldn't you be talking to Zak?"
"Zak's not here. You are." She couldn't give him more of an answer than that. She stared down at his hand, warm and strong over hers. Why was she talking to him? She didn't know. It was just – everything was always so easy for Zak, so simple. Lee was different. He understood that sometimes things were complicated. That you could hate and love someone at the same time, without it being a contradiction. That there were some things that just couldn't be easily forgotten or forgiven.
Lee was looking worried. "Kara, I - I'm not sure what to say-"
Of course he didn't know what to say. He barely knew her. She shouldn't be burdening him with her problems. Kara felt her cheeks growing red. What the hell was she thinking, babbling away to him like this? He must think she was mad.
"You should phone your dad," she said abruptly, pulling her hand out from under his. "Before it's too late."
She stood up. Lee's eyes were wide and concerned. "Kara-"
"I'm fine," she said brusquely. "I just need some sleep. Thanks for the ambrosia, Lee."
He said her name again, but she ignored it, heading back upstairs. She couldn't stay any longer.
He was a dangerous man, Lee Adama. Something about him made her feel safe, comforted. Made her relax, say things she shouldn't.
Made her feel weak.
She wasn't going to be weak. Never again. She'd sworn that a long time ago.