Chapter 5

"Donna," Josh said quietly, not really bringing her out of sleep, but stirring her enough to make her sigh. "Come on Donna, it's time for bed."

"Kay," she said in a tiny voice, eyes still closed and breathing still steady as her head rested on his shoulder.

She could barely make out the sound of him chuckling, but that along with a small light coming on just above her head and sounds of something opening and closing nearby helped to pull her into consciousness. She turned her head away from the light, burying it in his neck.

"Hey," he whispered into her hair. She sighed again, still somewhere between asleep and awake where Josh whispering into her hair was allowed to be enjoyed.

"What time is it?" she whispered, not moving her head.

"Quarter after midnight."

Rubbing her nose lightly on the collar of his shirt, she kept her eyes closed. "Where are we?"

"Manchester."

"Your car's at headquarters," she said, yawning.

He chuckled again and said, "We're here."

It was another few seconds before she yawned and sat up, squinting her eyes, her contacts dry and sticking to her pupils. She rubbed at them, a half-frown, half-pout on her face. When she could finally focus, she looked at him watching her with a soft smile on his own exhausted face.

She smiled slightly at him, his hair sticking up and his eyes tired, and she wondered if that's what he looked like in the mornings when he hit the snooze on his alarm clock, because she was positive he was a snooze hitter. Yawning, she turned to look through the window where she could see the Bartlet for America signs hanging in the windows and snow covering the sidewalks outside. She looked back at the people in the bus with them stretching and pulling things down from the overhead bins. There was a line to the front of the bus where people were starting to get out and she figured they had a few more minutes. "Wake me when it's our turn," she mumbled, closing her eyes and falling back onto his shoulder.

"Ok, but the sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can be in bed, with blankets and pillows."

As soon as the words left his mouth, she shot up into a sitting position and, suddenly wide awake, stared at him with large eyes, sure her heart rate had sped up to the point where he could feel it as she sat close to him. He smirked at her, oblivious as always to what he did to her, and patted her thigh before standing up, opening the overhead bin and pulling down her purse and his backpack.

Forcing her eyes off of him, she adjusted her pony tail and searched her mind for a comeback to keep up appearances. "I have a pillow," she said a few seconds later, her voice hiding her nerves. "You stole it."

"No, I traded it for use of my shoulder."

That was true, and even half asleep, she was certain she'd gotten the far better end of that deal. "But you stuck me by the window where it was cold," she pouted, picking up his suit jacket from her lap and handing it to him.

"Yeah, well next time I'll take the cold seat and sleep and you can stay awake and argue with Toby about social security."

Her pout grew and she huffed while looking at the seat back in front of her. "I wanted to listen to that," she mumbled to herself.

He chuckled and shook his head at her. "You and I argued about low income single mothers earlier. That wasn't enough?"

She shrugged. "I guess." She looked up at him. "Did you win your argument with Toby?"

"Don't I always?" he asked with a smirk.

Yes, he always did. She figured that had to be part of the reason he was so huge in her eyes. She sat there watching him while he shoved things, including her neck pillow, into his backpack, and she knew it was more than dimples and biceps that made her fall so hard and so fast. It was his mind, his ability to be brilliant and still be so… him. She didn't have a name for it… the 'him' part of it, but she knew it to be the most important and amazing part and she found herself wondering how he'd managed to hang onto it working with the likes of John Hoynes and others who'd lost that part of themselves so long ago.

He moved out of the way then and she climbed out into the aisle, following him out of the bus and to the storage space below. She wiped at her eyes again and waited as the driver unloaded small suitcases, garment bags and file boxes out of the space and lined them up against the bus.

"What time do I have Congressman Richards in the morning?"

She looked over at him with half-open eyes, always amazed at his energy, yet still tempted to hit him on the arm for requesting such information at midnight in the parking lot of the headquarters after having gotten up at five o'clock that morning. "Eight o'clock at the diner," she said, equally amazed that she knew the answer. "He wants to talk about polling numbers and education. I put the folder in your backpack so you wouldn't have to go into the office first."

"When are we getting the new polling numbers?"

"Margaret was going to slip them under your door tonight."

He smiled at her and handed her his backpack, which she took instinctively, then he grabbed both of their suitcases and pulled them behind him as he walked towards his car. She watched him in shock for a few seconds before smiling and following him. "What time is senior staff?" he asked as he unlocked the passenger door and held it open for her.

"9:30, so make sure you're back here on time. I'll be gone; you're on your own until the governor's speech on campus tomorrow night."

His eyes widened. "Donna!"

She shook her head and told herself not to smile. "I'm driving to Hanover in the morning to coordinate with local volunteers. You'll be fine." He mumbled something as he walked around to the driver's side door and climbed inside.

When they got to the Comfort Inn, Donna got out of the car and started to take her suitcase, but Josh took it from her hands, his fingers closing over hers. "I've got it, you're about to fall over," he said quietly. She looked up at him, their bodies close to each other, and she wondered what it might be like to kiss him, just this once. Just to see. But then he turned and walked inside and towards the elevators, and she closed her eyes for a brief second and told herself to get a grip.

When they reached the elevator, Josh let go of the suitcases and hit the up button. Donna leaned against the wall, her eyes closed again, grateful that Leo had finally ok'd her a hotel room while they were in town. Now if only he'd ok her being put on payroll...

"Perfect timing."

She let her head fall, recognizing Mandy's voice immediately, and tried to keep a groan from slipping from her mouth. She plastered on her best fake smile and opened her eyes just in time to see Mandy lean in and kiss Josh thoroughly as he stood there in shock, and as if someone had slapped in her in the face, she closed them again quickly and tried to erase the moment from her mind.

"What are you doing here?" Josh asked just as the elevator opened. She opened her eyes again, avoiding looking at them and telling herself that she had to make her feet move into the elevator and to her room, because that was the only way to get away from them.

Without a word, Mandy shoved her suitcase into Josh's hand and walked into the elevator. Donna blinked once before grabbing her own and walking in as well. Josh looked up at her with an apologetic expression as he wheeled in his and Mandy's and she smiled back briefly before pushing the button for the third floor and smiling at Mandy.

Mandy ignored her. "Hoynes has a huge lead in college age voters. Leo called; we've been in meetings all day," she said, nudging herself into his side

"Right." The elevator arrived at their floor then and the three of them walked down the hallway. When they reached Josh's door, Donna handed him his backpack and continued three doors down to her own room, pausing to look over at him holding the door open for Mandy as she walked through. He looked up at her and smiled softly, holding her gaze for just a second before turning and walking into the room.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The door hadn't even closed behind her before she'd started crying. And as she'd curled up on her bed in the pitch black room and sobbed for this thing that would never be, she couldn't get the feeling out of her mind that she was stupid and naïve and horrible. Stupid for letting every touch, every smile, every look get to her and make her fall harder. Naïve for the few times she allowed those touches and smiles and looks to make her think maybe. Maybe it was possible that he saw her as something other than a kid sister or an assistant who followed him around like a lap dog. And horrible, so unbelievably, unforgivably horrible for wanting what another woman had. For wanting to be in that room, that bed, instead of her. For the few times she wouldn't have cared that he was with someone else. Given the opportunity, she would have taken it, damned the consequences or the woman in his life. And that was the worst of the three, because she wasn't that woman, she'd never been that woman, but for him, she feared she could be.

She must've fallen asleep that way, because a light tapping on the door a few minutes before one woke her. She rolled to face the ceiling she couldn't see in the dark room, knowing who it was and knowing she shouldn't answer the door. If she just lay still, he'd eventually assume she hadn't heard him and give up and go back to his room. Back to the bed with Mandy in it, and it was that thought that propelled her up and had her shuffling to the door in the blackness, stubbing her toe on her suitcase along the way. Because even though she knew he'd be going back to that bed anyway, when he'd told her whatever he came to tell her, she could postpone it. And if she could, she would.

She looked through the peephole to make sure it was him and then opened the door a crack, the metal bar across it keeping it from opening too far. "Hi," he whispered.

"Hey," she whispered back, squinting at the harsh light in the hallway. "What are you doing here?"

He looked down the hall towards his room before looking back at her and shrugging. "I just wondered if your room looked like mine."

She smiled a little at his absurdity. "It's a Comfort Inn. Did you think mine would be better decorated?"

He smirked. "Maybe." Holding up two bottles of Bud Light, he said, "I brought beer."

She smiled; they usually worked in his room and had taken to keeping Bud Light in the refrigerator even though he claimed light beer wasn't real man's beer. Noticing a piece of paper in his hands, she quirked her eyebrows. "What else did you bring, Joshua?"

"Nothing," he said with wide eyes, playing innocent poorly.

"Nothing?" she asked sarcastically.

"Well…" he said smiling, flashing his dimples. "Maybe some polling numbers for the southeast."

"Ahh…"

"I thought since we're both up…"

"I was in bed."

He smirked. "But you're up now."

"Because you woke me up."

"Funny how that works." He held up the beer again, wiggling it in front of her face. "I brought beer."

Opening the door farther, she rolled her eyes. "You're lucky you're cute. Come in."

He walked past her and flipped on the light on his way into the room. She let the door close and watched him in his plain white t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms. He was barefoot and had hair sticking up everywhere and she smiled even as a part of herself reminded her that moments like this only made it harder on her in the long run.

He walked to one of the double beds to sit down, but instead looked at it and then over at the other. "You weren't asleep?" he asked, still looking at the beds.

She pulled herself out of thought. "Hmm…"

"The beds are…" he trailed off gesturing to the two made beds in the room. Turning towards her, he took in her appearance. "And you're dressed."

Her eyes widened as she thought of walking in the room forty-five minutes earlier and falling onto the bed crying. "I fell asleep before I had a chance to put on my pajamas," she said quietly.

"In your shoes?" he nearly screeched.

She looked confused for a second, then glanced down at her feet and smiled. "Guess so."

He started to smirk, looking for a way to tease her, she knew, but stopped suddenly. "What happened to your face?" he asked seriously.

She knew she must look horrible, she'd seen herself plenty of times after crying. Red puffy eyes, blotchy skin, mascara smeared down her cheeks. She played innocent. "Gee Joshua, that's a nice thing to say to a woman."

He ignored her. "Have you been crying?"

She shook her head and turned to look into the mirror on the dresser. It wasn't quite as bad as she'd feared. Her eyes were red but not puffy, and although her skin was blotchy, there was no mascara to be found. It must've worn off earlier in the day. "I just need to take out my contacts," she said as she started rooting through the suitcase she'd dropped as she walked in.

He watched her for a few seconds through the mirror and she could see doubt in his eyes. But he eventually nodded, taking her story at face value. "Go ahead and…" he gestured towards the bathroom and sat down on one of the beds.

She took her toiletries and pajamas into the bathroom and washed her face. She was tired, exhausted, but the few minutes of sleep she must've gotten had taken the edge off. Either way, she wasn't going to tell him she was too tired to work. Not when she knew what awaited him three rooms down. She'd push through if she had to, she'd done it countless times for Michael, helping him study all night and then going into work the next morning. Besides, she thought, he probably wouldn't be there all that long. What could the two of them do with polling numbers from the southeast at one o'clock in the morning, anyway?

When she came back out a few minutes later, he'd turned off the main lights and turned on the one between the beds. He was sitting on the bed farthest from the bathroom, propped against the headboard with his legs stretched out looking at the paper he'd brought with him, a Bud Light opened and sitting on the night stand, and she found herself picturing, not for the first time, the two of them as a couple, lying in bed just like that watching a movie and cuddled up together under the covers. Pushing the thought out of her head, she sat down on the other bed. "Ok, polling numbers."

He looked up at her. "You're wearing glasses."

"It's either that or run into walls," she said yawning.

"You're tired."

"I'm cold too," she said, standing up and pulling back the covers on her bed, crawling inside and then reaching down and pulling off her socks.

"You're cold but you took off your socks?" he asked with a smirk.

"You can't wear socks in bed, Josh," she said as though it were common knowledge.

"You can't?" he asked doubtfully.

She shook her head. "No."

"This is like… a Donnatella Moss rule?"

She raised her eyebrows at him. "This differs greatly from your cantaloupe rule, does it?"

His mouth dropped open in shock. "People call it mush melon, Donna!"

She chuckled. "Yes, and it's orange."

"Right."

"And socks shouldn't be worn in bed."

He watched her with a smile before finally nodding, then stood up and got under the covers of the second bed. She watched him settle in, pulling the covers up around himself and putting both pillows under his head. Then he turned onto his side so he faced her and they watched each other quietly for a few seconds.

It was in these quiet moments that she let her mind wander the most, and that wasn't healthy she knew, so she broke eye contact by adjusting the pillow under her own head. "So what's up in the southeast?"

He furrowed his brow before realizing what she was asking, then picked up the data off the nightstand and looked at it. "It's better than we anticipated."

She smiled. "That's great."

"Yeah…"

"You don't sound convinced."

He looked up at her. "No, I just… I'm surprised. It's the south. The Bible belt."

She yawned, trying to keep her eyes open. "The governor believes in God."

"He's still pretty liberal for the Bible Belt."

"Yeah…" she said yawning again as her eyelids got heavier.

She woke up, the room dark again, and looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was 3:43, and she reached over to turn on the light on the nightstand. Before she had a chance, Josh's beer bottle caught her attention and she glanced at the other bed, surprised to see him asleep in it. She smiled at the sight of him on his back, a pillow over his face and his right foot sticking out of the covers, and propped herself up on an elbow, watching him as her eyes adjusted to the dark. After a few minutes, she fumbled with the alarm clock and took off her glasses before going back to sleep. When the alarm went off at seven, he was gone.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The rest of Tuesday had gone strangely. Once she realized Josh was gone, she reset the alarm and slept until nine, the latest she'd slept since arriving in Manchester exactly six weeks earlier. Feeling better after a decent amount of sleep, she shook off the previous evening's cry-fest and took a long shower before driving an hour and a half to Dartmouth University in Hanover to help the local volunteers prepare for the President's rally that evening.

The bus with the rest of the staff and the governor arrived around five, and she walked outside the student union waiting for Josh to come swaggering off, sure he'd have a million things for her to do. Toby was one of the first off, and he walked up to her while talking on the phone to someone. He handed her a manila envelope and covered the phone with his hand. "Josh told me to give you this. He's not coming."

Her eyes widened. "He's not?"

Toby shook his head. "Leo gave him the night off since Mandy's in town."

Toby stood there as if waiting for some sort of reply, but she was dumbstruck, her breathing shallow and her heart ripping out of her chest. After a few seconds, he gave her a strange look before walking past her and continuing with his conversation. CJ and Sam were coming off the bus then and they said hello to her, but she found that it was taking every ounce of energy she had to not fall to the ground in a heap, and therefore couldn't even nod or smile back at them.

It took her well over a minute to shake her head and remind herself that Josh and Mandy were together and therefore, had every right to be together. But the thought of them spending an evening alone together plagued her mind, and thoughts of wine and romantic dinners and making love made her sick to her stomach. And even as the governor spoke and the applause grew, she could do nothing but picture Josh with a woman who wasn't her.

It was after eleven before the rally had ended and they'd packed up, and she was grateful that she'd driven there that morning so she wouldn't have to ride the bus back with everyone else. But it was once she was alone, once there was no noise and no one to disturb her that she began picturing the future. She pictured herself tying his bowtie and then sitting on a white wooden folding chair in a park in June, holding back tears and smiling insincerely as Mandy walked down the aisle. She pictured herself standing in a living room with a grand piano looking at pictures on the mantel while their infant son was being circumcised in front of their friends and their daughter Joanie clung to her father's leg. She pictured Mandy dropping by the office for lunch and him shutting his office door so they could have privacy.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mandy was gone when she came into the office Wednesday morning, having taken the first flight out to DC, but it didn't fix Donna's problem. The problem wasn't Mandy, it couldn't be her, because deep down, Donna didn't really think Mandy and Josh had a prayer, not the way she treated him and the way he didn't seem to care all that much.

But even if she was right, even if Mandy wasn't the one, someone else would be one day, and she pictured herself growing older and more alone as she becameone of the first people he thought of everyday but the last person he'd ever think of that way. She pictured making dinner reservations for he and whoever came next, and whoever came after that, and whoever came after that. She pictured the day he came into the office and showed her a diamond ring he'd bought for someone that wasn't her, and every time she pictured it, she pictured herself miserable and alone and heartbroken because she never found the man who made her feel even half of what he did.

Josh had spent most of the morning in meetings and then had a two hour conference call on the governor's education plan that afternoon. Every few minutes he'd mute the phone and call her name, something that once made her heart flutter but now only made her sad, and she'd come into his office where he'd give her something to research.

She'd nod and rush off to her desk and do the research, going back into his office a minute or two later with note cards, pink one time, blue the next, green the time after that so he could keep them straight. And he'd look up at her with raised eyebrows and a smirk before halting the conversation with statistics and case studies and his amazing way of making people see what was important and what wasn't. And she'd stand there and watch with a proud smile on her face and heart that was breaking a little more each time.

After the conference call, Toby and Sam had sequestered themselves in his office with him for the rest of the day, leaving well after dark and then she and Josh had worked for a few more hours on the schedule for Friday's trip to Iowa before driving together back to the Comfort Inn.

She was in her pajamas and glasses, watching an old movie of Lifetime a half hour later when there was a knock at the door, and she was already talking as she opened it. "Sleep Josh, at the end of the day, people sleep."

"What?"

Her eyes widened and she looked up. If she'd had a million guesses she wouldn't have guessed it to be him, but there he stood in the hallway with a dozen roses and pleading eyes.

"Michael… what are you doing here?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday evening, she sat her desk staring at but not really seeing a position paper she was proofing. Michael had come the night before, and she guessed that deep down she must've expected that if he found out where she was and had come after her, it would cause an upheaval in her life, because she was honestly surprised that when she answered the door it hadn't. That she hadn't been moved or excited or confused even the slightest bit.

She'd looked at him, standing in the hallway pleading for her to hear him out, and had then walked into her room and without attempting to make up bad excuses for his past behavior, he stated his case. That he knew her, that he loved her, that he wanted to take care of her the way she'd always taken care of him. And her thoughts, her only thoughts, were that he didn't know her well enough to know that she preferred lilies. And if after five years he didn't know something as simple as that, how would he ever know how she needed to be loved or taken care of.

So she'd told him no. And then she'd told him no a second and a third time as he continued making promises he'd never keep and she'd never want him to. And when he was out of promises and apologies, he told her he had a room on the second floor and would be staying for a few days, in case she changed her mind.

She finally finished the position paper and got up to take it into Josh. When she got to his doorway, she looked at him sitting at his desk, the only light in the room coming from the small lamp on his desk, his sleeves rolled up and his hair askew. He was beautiful, studying a book to his left and pausing occasionally to write something on a legal pad to his right, and she stood there and watched him for several minutes until he looked up and caught her.

"How long have you been standing there?" he asked with a smile.

"Just for a minute," she said quietly. "I like to watch you work."

He raised his eyebrows. "Why?"

She shrugged and smiled softly. "It's like I'm watching the world get better."

He looked away and smiled before looking back at her almost shyly. "I'm not sure I deserve your praise."

"I am," she whispered.

The room went silent as they watched each other. "Are you headed to the hotel?" he asked several moments later.

She shook her head. "Soon. I want to get things ready for tomorrow's trip first." He nodded but kept looking at her. "Is there anything specific that you need?"

He seemed to be off in his own world, but finally shook himself out of it and stood up. "No. I'm uhh…" he looked around. "I'm sorry I can't stay and help, I'm late for dinner with Sam."

She nodded. "Kay."

He looked at her again. "Are you ok? You seem kind of…" he trailed off and as hard as it was, she smiled a bit wider.

"I'm just tired."

He reached out, putting one hand on her arm and rubbing it slowly. "Go back to the hotel, Donna. We can do this in the morning. I'll bring bagels and we'll do it together."

"Yeah," she said softly. "Maybe I'll just stay for a few minutes."

His eyes met hers and she worried that he could see through her. Finally he nodded. "Be careful going back to the hotel; park under a light."

She closed her eyes briefly, his sweet, brotherly words shredding the last bit of her broken heart, and as she bit her lip and nodded, she made her decision. "I will."

He smiled at her and walked to the doorway before turning around and saying her name softly.

"Yes?" she asked as she pretended to look through boxes so she wouldn't have to see his face again.

"Thank you."

And just like that, her head was lifting anyway, her eyes catching on his warm, brown ones. "For what?"

"For watching me work."

She couldn't speak, knew not one word would come out as anything more than a choked sob, so she nodded and he nodded back, smiling wider at her, his dimples barely coming out as if telling her goodbye, and she frantically studied his face, memorizing every possible detail until he turned and was gone.

She was trembling and sobbing by the time she made it to his desk and dialed the number, asking for his Michael's with a quivering voice. "Donna?" he asked as he picked up the phone.

"If I say yes, can we leave tonight?"