A Moment of Weakness

Lilah had seen a lot of alleys in her life. When she was a teen, 16 or 17 years old, she'd had her very first sexual experiences there with her boyfriend, Tyler. Those experiences were pretty much the only reason he'd been her boyfriend. Lilah had thought it was about time for her to get some experience in that area, and she and Tyler got along with each other quite well, so why not? They'd been at a fancy club, having a little party with a group of friends, celebrating the beginning of the summer holidays. After a few, say, a lot, of beers and tequila shots Lilah had pretty much dragged Tyler outside. She certainly wasn't going to wait till he made the first move, like holding hands. She'd never been the "waiting kind". So, they made their way to the back alley near the club and kind of started "exploring" each other there. Kissing, touching, carefully at first. Slightly nervous, especially Tyler. Lilah wasn't, she'd done enough of research on this and questioned her older sister, to know what to do. Of course one couldn't learn to do the "birds and the bees" part by theory only, but it helped at least a little. Even now, almost 15 years later, Lilah still remembered that night very well. She'd enjoyed it, despite the usual inconveniences that occurred during almost everybody's first time. The ironic thing was, that now, so many years later, Lilah was standing in an almost similar back alley with Wesley. They'd ran into each other at her favourite bar, possibly because he'd followed her, and after the usual chit-chat conversation they couldn't get outside fast enough, of course to do what they did 99 of their time together; have sex.

'Alleys, Wes? Didn't know that was your style. ', Lilah teased him as they both tried to touch and kiss each other in as many spots in as little time as possible.

'There's a lot you don't know about me.', Wesley replied, preferring her without the speaking right now. Actually most of the time, but definitely now.

'And every time I discover something new. Keeps us fresh.', Lilah said. She groaned in surprise as well as delicious pain when Wesley slammed her into a wall. Not as hard as he could have, and would have, had he felt nothing for her, but hard enough to make her shut up and kiss him. Lilah laughed inwardly and thought it was funny how different alley sex could be. With Tyler it hadn't been nearly as rough as it was now, which also was why she enjoyed now a lot better.

It probably took no longer than 30 minutes altogether, but that was the thing when you had sex in the back alley of a fancy bar in a not-so-fancy neighbourhood. Usually Wesley and Lilah would continue their occupations at one of their apartments, but not tonight. Lilah just didn't feel like it. She had the strange urge to be alone and crawl on the expensive leather couch for the rest of the night with a really bad movie. She wasn't sure why, but she was feeling incredibly nostalgic and slightly sad, too. It had all started with that damn alley and memories of her teenage self. She'd always had many ambitions, she'd wanted to be a skilled lawyer wit ha big, comfortable apartment. She'd wanted to be rich, beautiful, smart, and depend on no one. In a certain way Lilah had accomplished everything she'd had in mind for herself, though she hadn't expected depending on no one would sometimes be so.. alone. Not that she was in need of a warm, cuddly boyfriend. Not at all, the thought of it made her sick to her stomach already. It was more that Lilah was starting to realise that the walls of her expensive apartment or her $2500,- Manolo Blahniks weren't going to talk to her when it came down to it. She had Wesley now, that was true, but she didn't really "have" him, and that, was the true reason behind her negative emotions now. Wesley made her doubt her capabilities of actually having 'anyone' Not that she wanted it, but she wanted to be able to.

'Your place or mine?', Wesley inquired, still unable to notice her inside dilemmas.

'Both. You go to yours, and I got to mine.', Lilah told him, although he made her choice slightly more difficult when he nuzzled her neck like that.

'Oh, all right.', Wesley replied, slightly confused, but respecting her choice. What else could he do, he was still English.

'I have things to do... paperwork.', Lilah lied, not nearly sounding as convincing as she usually did when she lied, but he seemed to believe it. Or at least accept the excuse.

'So... I'll see you later. Call me.'. She avoided his eyes, because he didn't need to know she wasn't feeling the woman he had sex with so often. Not tonight.

'I will.', Wesley nodded, and Lilah walked back to her car and drove off, wondering what the hell was going on with her.

At home things didn't get much better, despite Lilah's expectations that she would, because she just needed a break from Wesley. She'd figured out by now, though, that that wasn't it. She needed a break from herself. Lilah let out a sigh. Damn tonight, all started in that damn back alley. And damn the phone that kept ringing. She eventually picked it up, just to get rid of the noise. 'What!'.

'How's the paperwork?', a familiar voice asked on the other side of the line.

'When I said "call me" I didn't mean minutes after I left. I meant some time in the nearby future, but no sooner than tomorrow after noon.', Lilah snapped. She wasn't exactly in a nice mood.

'I'm not calling you because I want to see you, or do any of the things we do.. on the phone.', Wesley told her.

'Then why are you calling me?', she inquired, not wanting to be disturbed during her self pity night.

'There isn't any paperwork, is there?'.

Lilah sighed; why did he have to be so damn smart! 'There's always paperwork.. But you're right, it wasn't why I left.', she admitted.

'So why did you leave?', Wesley asked curiously.

'You're gonna play my shrink now, Wes? You expect me to get all touchy-feely with you?'.

'No, I asked why you left, I didn't ask you to bare your soul, Lilah.'.

Lilah sighed, again, and considered hanging up on him, but no, that wasn't an option. 'Just now, in that alley, I had some memories..', she started, very well realising she would soon regret this conversation. A lot.

'What kind of memories?', Wesley asked, sounding surprisingly nice, nicer than he'd ever sounded to her.

'It doesn't matter.. but.. it made me think.. you know.'.

'What did it make you think of?'. Lilah didn't remember him having eternal patience at all, but right now, it was nice... it was nice to have someone who was.. nice, to her. Just this once.

'Wesley, do you think I'm unable to connect?', she finally asked, to get rid of the awkward silences.

'No... I don't think you're unable to connect. Just because we don't, mentally.. connect doesn't mean you can't.', he tried to comfort her.

'But I've never... connected with anyone before.'

'You will And if you don't, it's okay too. You're not a bad person, Lilah.'. Wesley told her just what she'd wanted to hear. Needed to hear. Only tonight, she needed to hear it.

'Not all the time, you don't have to be.', he continued.

'Wes? '.

'Yes, Lilah?'.

'Thanks... you know.. for everything.', she said softly.

'I know.'

Lilah put down the phone and felt slightly better. Not because she just did what she hated the most; showing feelings, but for what Wesley had said.

When Lilah woke up the next morning, she felt like herself again, and as expected she regretted last night's mood. Nevertheless she wasn't as depressed as she thought she'd be. More like ashamed. The best would probably be to forget it ever happened. Yea, forget. As Lilah got ready for work and collected some undone paperwork she knew forgetting wasn't an option, she was forced to live with her moment of weakness. Damn feelings. Damn alley!