Chapter 18

She watched the door close, then sank to the floor, sobbing. It couldn't be happening again. She couldn't be losing him again. She wasn't strong enough. She wouldn't make it. Not again.

She was crying loudly, and so hard that she couldn't breathe. It didn't make sense, none of it. They'd been… it had been perfect; the most wonderful night of her life. Easy and fun and romantic and something she could've done every night for the rest of her life. And then, just like that… 'Don't touch me.'

She tried to get up, but she couldn't; she was crying too hard. He'd been… he'd kissed her. But then he'd left. 'I have to leave.' And there was more, something important, something she needed to know, but her head was killing her and the crying was only making it worse, and she couldn't think... 'You're leaving again.'

He'd seemed… her heart was racing and she was lightheaded. And she needed a tissue or… was the water running in the kitchen? 'Why are you doing this?' She was starting to hyperventilate. He'd been afraid of her, maybe? Don't touch me.' She wasn't… it wasn't making sense. It was all swimming around in her head; words, actions, it was all there jumbled up like a puzzle that she couldn't put together. "Will you be back, Donna?"

Her phone was on the coffee table, and if she could get to it, maybe she could call him. Beg him to come back. Tell him she loved him and she didn't know what she'd done, but whatever it was, she was sorry for it. 'Because I left?' She was sorry and she'd do anything she had to do, anything at all, to make up for it. That's how badly she needed him in her life. It wasn't an option or a desire. It was need, and if she could just call him, she could make him see that.

She tried to stand again, crying harder and harder as she pictured him time and again walking out the door. 'I'll be back,' She finally made it to the couch, but the coffee table might as well have been miles away. Her chest hurt, so did her stomach. She thought she might vomit. And her face… hot and sticky and wet. Michael, he'd been upset about Michael. Why had he… 'For that bastard!'

She had to calm down; she had to breathe. Deep breaths. Slow. She had to think she had to… 'Will you come back to pull me in again?' Pull him in, she'd never…. she'd never hurt him. 'What I did to make you leave.'

She couldn't think about it. She was too tired. Her head was killing her. She was going to be sick. Her stomach… 'Someday, just when I think I'm going to be able to live a normal life without you, will you come back to pull me in again?' Going to be able to live… she shook her head. It wasn't making sense. She was missing something.

She closed her eyes. The water was running, she could hear it. Breathe in for two seconds. Breathe out for two seconds. Breathe in… 'With your smile and your eyes.' His eyes, they'd been almost… dead. She'd never seen that much betrayal before. Breathe out… 'I'm so pathetic. I almost hope you do.'

She sat up, opening her eyes and staring at the coffee table. It was right there. Whatever it was, it was right there, she almost had it. 'Will you come back to pull me in again?' It was important. She didn't know why, but it was important. 'Again.'

She looked over to the kitchen. He'd been standing on the far side, the island between them like… like it was protecting him from her. 'Someday, just when I think I'm going to be able to live a normal life without you.'

The truth hit her like lightening, and she bolted up off the couch and into the bathroom, not quite making the toilet and vomiting on the crimson rug in front of it. Her head was pounding and her stomach swirling and vomiting turned into dry heaves as she leaned heavily on the commode.

He'd loved her too.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

It took her a while to process what was happening. She was stuck somewhere in that place between asleep and awake, and it wasn't until she actually opened her eyes that she figured out the noise was someone at the door. She groaned and rolled over, squinting at the clock. Five till three.

Then her mind went to Josh, and she quickly sat up and pulled her covers back. Maybe he was ready to talk. He promised he'd be back, promised, and she'd been living off that promise for the past four days. She turned on the lamp by her bed and the harsh light hurt her eyes, forcing her to wince and close them quickly. She rubbed them with her hand and squinted them open, then looked down at the nightstand and felt around for her glasses, slipping them on before standing up. The knocking had turned into more of a pounding by then, and her heart matched it, strong and quick.

She hurried into the living room, fixing the ponytail in her hair as she walked. Her cell phone started ringing and she grabbed it on he way to the door and looked at it to see Tom's name on the display. "Tom?"

"Donna! Is Liz there? She left and she didn't take her purse of her phone. I went to her place, but she's not there and I don't know where she is, and what if something happens to her and she can't call…"

He was rambling and she cut him off, all hopes of Josh being on the other side of her door gone. "She's knocking on my door right now."

She could hear him sigh. "Oh thank God." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Ok." Another deep breath. "Ok, good."

Liz called her name and started knocking even louder. "I've got to let her in, Tom."

"Right. Right. Just… just tell her that I'm going back to my place and I'll wait there for her. And… tell her I love her."

Donna paused. She wasn't up to this. Not this week; any other time she would've been fine to handle Tom and Liz's first big fight, but she was utterly spent this week. It was taking every ounce of energy she had to simply exist. "Alright," she said, closing her eyes.

"Thanks, Donna," he said, relief evident in his voice. The line clicked off and she unlocked the door, pulling it open as light from the hallway invaded the small living room. Liz stood outside, wearing red plaid flannel pajama bottoms, a grey Indiana University sweatshirt and sandals. Her hair resembled that of Pebbles from 'The Flintstones,' and if Donna weren't an emotional wreck she might have laughed.

"The idiot proposed," Liz said loudly, not bothering with hello. She walked past Donna into the apartment and directly into the kitchen. A second later the kitchen light came on. "Is my ice cream still here?"

Donna looked at her for a second through the bar that separated the kitchen and living room, then shut and locked the door. "Yes." She walked into the kitchen to see Liz pulling a spoon out of the silverware drawer. "Tom proposed?" she asked, trying to muster up some amount of excitement for her friend and instead finding herself almost envious.

"Yes. Idiot."

That was the second time in less than a minute that she'd called him that. "Did he… do it poorly?"

Liz turned to her, her spoon sticking out of her mouth. "I'm pregnant, Donna!" she shouted, the words barely understandable around the spoon.

Donna was missing something, she was sure of it, but she was so tired. She hadn't slept well all week, finding that just like years earlier, it was in the dark silence of the night that her mind replayed every mistake she'd ever made with Josh. "You're going to have to spell it out for me, Liz," she said in a voice more testy than she'd intended. "I'm practically in a coma here."

"Donna! I'm pregnant. He's... doing the right thing," she spit out. "Bastard."

Donna looked shocked. "He said that?"

"He didn't have to. Do you have brownie mix?"

The subject change threw her for a loop and she once again blamed it on a lack of sleep. "No I don't have brownie mix," she said, leaning heavily back against the counter and letting her head hang. "Let's go back… when did he propose?"

Liz put the pint of ice cream back into the freezer. "About 20 minutes ago," she said distractedly as she started rooting around the refrigerator.

"He proposed at 2:30 in the morning? What were you doing at…" Her face registered disgust and maybe a little jealousy. "You were having sex, weren't you?"

"No. I'd gotten up to pee. I pee all the damn time now."

"I've noticed."

"I must've woken him when I got up, 'cause when I came back into the bedroom, he was sitting up against the headboard. I started to crawl back into bed and he said it."

"Said it…"

Liz pulled her head out of the fridge and looked over her shoulder at Donna. "Marry me, Donna. He said 'marry me.' You're useless!"

"Hey," Donna shouted, standing upright and going to the refrigerator with Liz. "I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this right now. I'm doing the best I can." She pushed Liz gently out of the way and grabbed some eggs and milk, then stood up and walked towards the stove. "I'm making omelets," she mumbled. "Get the cheese and ham."

Liz stood upright and stared at her for several seconds. "I didn't… you've been acting ok."

"I am ok," Donna lied as she pulled down a bowl from a cabinet, avoiding Liz's eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She sighed. She and her mother had dissected every second of the conversation, every miniscule detail, coming to the same unfathomable conclusion she had on Sunday night. Josh had feelings for her when she worked for him and when she left, she'd broken his heart the way she'd broken her own. She wouldn't have wished that pain on her worst enemy yet she'd caused it for him, and she doubted she'd ever forgive herself for that. "No," she said, taking a deep breath and looking back at Liz with a fake smile. "See if I have an onion too."

Liz continued watching her and Donna gave her a look that begged her not to push it. She nodded slightly. "I want mushrooms and pepper too. And salsa. And sour cream."

"That's gross," Donna replied with a hollow chuckle. "See what I've got in there." She pulled a whisk from a drawer. "So, Tom said 'marry me' and then what? What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything. I left."

"You didn't say anything? Nothing at all?"

"No. I panicked. I walked into the living room, threw on some shoes, grabbed his sweatshirt and my keys, and left."

"Very mature of you."

Liz dropped an armful of things onto the counter. "You don't have mushrooms."

"That doesn't surprise me since I'm allergic to them. What's the bread for?"

"Toast. And what was I supposed to do? Say no and crawl back into bed?" She grabbed a knife out of a drawer and started slicing vegetables.

It was quiet while Donna cracked four eggs into a bowl and then poured in some milk. She looked at Liz out of the corner of her eye as she whisked the mixture. "He called here looking for you."

"I know," Liz said quietly. "I heard your phone ring."

"He was worried."

"I was fine."

Donna looked at her and spoke with more authority in her voice. "You left with no money, no id, and no phone. You're two months pregnant with his child; he had every right to worry."

She sighed. "Yeah."

Donna reached down and pulled a large skillet out of the bottom of her oven. She sprayed some Pam into it and poured in the eggs. "He loves you, you know."

"That doesn't change the fact that we've never even discussed getting married. Then I get pregnant and suddenly he's proposing? He feels trapped."

"He doesn't feel trapped," Donna scoffed as she turned on the heat.

"He will; in a year or two or ten. He'll wake up one morning and hate me because I got knocked up and tricked him into marrying me."

Donna stopped what she was doing and looked pointedly at Liz. "Wow. I had no idea you thought so little of him."

"I don't," she said with a sigh, rubbing her hands over her face and then putting both hands on the counter and leaning into it while hanging her head. "I don't, I just…" She took a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "Why now?" she whispered.

Donna added the vegetables and ham to the eggs and folded them over, carefully considering her words. She finally leaned back against the counter next to Liz. "I'm going to say something you've heard in a thousand movies, but believe me when I tell you I'm saying it with authority."

"I'm not in the mood for meant to be, Donna," she said in a voice that betrayed the tears she tried hiding.

Donna shook her head and smiled softly. "You love him. You're assuming he doesn't love you, at least not as much. How could he? He's wonderful, right?" Liz stood straighter and looked at her, eyes shining and cheeks wet, and nodded. "He's way too good for you. He could have any woman he wants."

"Yeah," she whispered.

It was a feeling she knew well and she closed her eyes briefly, remembering the night she stood in a make-shift office and made a decision that changed everything. "You need to have more faith in himthan that, and you need to faith in yourself. If you tell him no, you might never be able to take it back. And I promise you," she said softly, pausing and looking up to the lights, trying to hold back her own tears. "I promise that if you do that, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

"But how will I ever know?" Liz whispered.

"You've got to be strong enough to ask him. And then you have to trust him."

"I do trust him, but…"

"No buts," Donna said, shaking her head slowly. "Trust is trust. He's never lied to you. Ask him to tell you the truth and believe him when he does."

"Just believe him…"

"Doesn't he deserve it?"

Liz stared at her for a few seconds before nodding, then leaned slowly in and hugged Donna. "I don't know why I'm…"

Donna smile and hugged her back. "It's hormones."

"You're a good friend," she whispered.

"So are you."

Liz pulled back and looked at Donna. "Do you think he really wants to marry me?" she asked through her tears.

Donna nodded. "I do."

She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, then stood a little straighter and pulled her shoulders slightly back. "I should talk to him then," she said in a stronger voice.

Donna smiled at her. "Go. Get engaged."

"I'm getting married," Liz said almost in awe. "I'm getting married," she said again, a smile playing at her lips.

"I'm not wearing a pink bridesmaid dress."

Liz laughed at her. "Deal," she said as she headed towards the door. She unlocked and opened the door, then stopped and looked back into the kitchen.

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

"Oh, for crying out loud."

"You've got me craving eggs now."

Donna shook her head, trying not to smile. "Get out the Tupperware; you can eat it on the way."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Ok," she said, sighing and rubbing her temples. "Let's look at the fathers again."

"Birth or adoptive?" Carrie asked.

"Birth."

There was a collective groan and Eric pushed aside some folders, pulling two others closer. "One's a doctor; the other's a factory worker. Neither has a criminal background, both have decent credit, both were married when they filed the petition, and both said they came forward immediately upon finding out they had a child."

"But," Kelly said, leaning over him and highlighting something on a piece of paper in each of them. "The doctor had an affair which resulted in the pregnancy while the factory worker had a one-night stand before he was married."

"Why does that matter?" Carrie asked, her elbows on the table and her hand propping up her head.

"Goes to character," said Eric.

"And the doctor knew the mother," Kelly said yawning. "So he had the potential to find out about his daughter before she was six. And maybe he did know but tried to hide her from his wife."

"Then why come forward when she was six?"

"The wife found out?" Carrie asked weakly.

"None of that matters," Donna said, leaning back in her chair and tilting her head up towards the ceiling with closed eyes. "He was granted custody, so the judge must not have cared. Our guy wasn't. We need his negatives and the doctor's positives."

Eric started looking through the folders again. "The doctor had other children, the factory worker didn't."

"So he's a family man," Donna said.

"Who had an affair," Kelly reminded them.

"Our guy had a one-night stand. Let the affair go; it's not helping us."

Kelly gave Donna a look and started to speak, but Carrie cut her off. "The doctor made more money."

"But not more than the adoptive parents," Kelly said.

"Don't get off topic," said Eric. "Stick with the birth fathers."

Donna sat up and looked over notes that had started legibly earlier in the evening but had turned into nothing more than doodling. "So the doctor made more money, lived in a better neighborhood, and sent his kids to private schools."

"But the factory worker didn't live in the slums. He and his wife were bringing in over a hundred thousand combined. They lived in a nice middle income family home in a subdivision in a good school district."

"Our guy got screwed," Kelly mumbled.

"There's the title of our report," Donna deadpanned.

"Maybe the other adoptive parents got screwed," Carrie challenged.

"But we don't have any proof of that."

"Of course we have proof of that," Donna said, looking up at Kelly. "They raised her for six years and then had to give her up to a man who lives 900 miles away from them."

Kelly nodded her acquiesce. "Maybe we should go back to the case in New Jersey."

"No," the other three answered simultaneously.

Eric stood up and stretched. "I can't do this anymore tonight, we're getting nowhere and we've been at it for five hours. It's Friday, I need a beer."

Nobody said anything as they all looked at Eric. Finally Carrie stood as well. "Beer sounds good."

"I'm coming too, but no case talk," Kelly said as stood and started loading things into her attaché case.

Fifteen minutes later they walked into Music City Roadhouse on 30th Street as Eric did a bad impression of their 'Juveniles and the Courts' professor. Donna gave him a strange look and Kelly laughed at him. "I'm just not hearing it," Carrie said with a smile at him.

"Are you kidding me? That was spot-on."

Donna started unbuttoning her jacket. "That was not…" she trailed off as she turned and found herself staring directly at Josh. It took a second to muster up the courage, but then she smiled awkwardly at him and bit her bottom lip in nervousness.

He smiled back softly, but she could tell that he was as shocked as she was, and she could literally feel her face warm and pulse quicken. He looked good, really good; rested and relaxed and better than he'd looked for the last three or four weeks. She knew it was probably due to the fact that they'd won the election that past Tuesday, but there was a small voice in her head telling her that he was better off without her. That he'd ended things and it had made all the difference in his life.

He didn't look overly happy to see her, and a part of her wanted to turn around and leave; go to her apartment and cry herself to sleep or get on a plane and go home to her mother's pot roast and reassuring words. But she couldn't help thinking that running into someone you're sort of dating and not saying hello would be giving the relationship the final kiss of death, so she tried to smile in a way that didn't look like she'd spent the last week in complete misery and asked Kelly to take her jacket to the table for her.

She took a hesitant step, then a deep breath, and slowly started making her way towards him through the few people in the quiet bar. He glanced away towards Toby for a second and then back to her, and she started second guessing herself. He'd asked her for time and patience and she was giving him exactly the opposite of that by forcing him into conversation, and maybe that would be the kiss of death.

She slowed down and actually considered turning around, but he stood up then, still watching her, and his mixed emotions read like a book on his face. He wasn't sure he wanted her there, wasn't sure it was a good idea, wasn't sure she wouldn't break his heart again. He actually looked frightened of her. But there was something else too, a little nervousness, a little hope, maybe a hint of excitement, and it gave her the courage to keep walking towards the table.

"Hi," she said quietly when she got to the table, trying to smile and hoping it didn't make her look nauseous.

"Hey, how are you?"

Her first thought was to say fine, but she wasn't fine. She was anything but, and she didn't want to lie to him anymore, so she looked down so he couldn't see her biting her lip and shrugged. "Thank you for the flowers. They're beautiful," she said quietly.

"I'm glad you liked them."

Conversation stopped then, replaced by thick silence that felt like the first half hour of their dinner at Teatro Goldoni. She looked at him, but he kept his gaze just off of hers, telling her in silence that she'd made a mistake. That she shouldn't have come over. That she should've respected his wishes and given him time. She tried to find the courage to say goodbye before the moment got too ugly, but just before she could say anything, he spoke again. "Oh, sorry. Donna, you know Sam and Toby. Do you remember CJ Cregg?"

She turned to look at CJ, hoping her face held more of a polite smile than fresh pain. "Yes, it's nice to see you again CJ."

"You too. How have you been?" CJ asked, offering her hand to Donna.

She shook CJ's hand, hoping the woman couldn't tell how badly she was shaking, then started to reach for Josh's arm. He still wasn't making eye contact with her, and she thought that if she could just find some way of letting him know that she missed him, maybe he'd stop looking so frightened of her. But the thought that she might scare him more, scare him off, made her put her arm down, and she focused again on CJ. "Good, thanks."

"She works for the Children's Rights Council, so she's not going to come work for me," Toby said as he took a drink what she guessed was some sort of whiskey, and she smiled at him for trying to ease the pressure.

"Yes, unfortunately it isn't going to work out."

Silence took over again, brought on by her presence, and she glanced at the uncomfortable faces of Sam, Toby and CJ pretending as though they hadn't noticed the awkward pauses and lack of eye contact between her and Josh. She had to leave; she had to pick up what once passed for pride and say goodbye before she broke into tears.

"Sit down, have a drink with us," CJ said a moment later. "Sam here's leaving us tomorrow to run for congress. Politics… I don't know why anyone would get involved in it."

"Umm..." She looked at CJ before glancing at Josh, still looking at the table. "I better get back..."

He turned his head slightly then, finally looking at her. "Yeah, they're probably waiting on you."

It startled her to be so blatantly dismissed and she found herself staring at him and wondering how much more time he'd need. He didn't look anywhere near being able to talk to her or trust her again, and she thought back to her years of pain without him and tried to imagine what she'd feel for him if he'd caused it. Maybe he'd never be able to forgive her.

She finally looked back at Toby, Sam and CJ. "It was nice seeing all of you. Good luck Sam."

He smiled at her with a look of pity on his face that she hated. "Thanks."

She nodded slightly and looked back at Josh. "I'll talk to you soon, I hope."

"Yeah," he said softly enough that she was sure only she heard it.

She looked at him for another second, willing him to look at her, and when he didn't, she turned and walked towards the other side of the bar. She turned the corner, wondering if she could blame her soon to be red eyes on the smoke, and tried to think of an excuse she could use to leave.

She walked to the booth and sat down next to Eric. He handed her a beer without looking at her as he continued listening to whatever Kelly was saying. She took a small sip of the beer, then leaned in to him. "I'm not feeling well. I think…" her voice started trembling and she closed her eyes for a second, determined to fight off tears begging to fall.

He turned his attention to her. "What?"

"I think I'm gonna take off," she said louder. "I'm really tired all of a sudden."

"No, not yet. We're gonna play some pool. You're Carrie's partner."

She looked up to apologize to Carrie, but stopped when she saw Josh walking her way. She looked at him with questioning eyes and he smiled at her, that smile she loved that always got him out of trouble, and she found herself smiling back. "Hi," she said, still confused, as he reached the table.

"Hey, what a surprise seeing you here!" he said as though the last three minutes had never happened.

Her smile grew even wider, letting it go like a bad dream. "I know! I can't believe it! What are the odds?"

"It's unbelievable really," he said with the hint of a smirk.

She laughed at him, shaking her head just a little, and turned towards her friends. "Josh, this is Carrie, Kelly, and Eric. We're doing a case study together and hit a dead end. Thought we'd drink instead of study."

"Nice to meet you. Think I could borrow Donna for a second?" he asked, never taking his eyes off her. It was a completely different Josh, and she was nervous again but in a different way.

She nodded and stood up, going with him to an empty corner. "Ok," he said, leaning in to talk to her. "That was ugly back there. I'm sorry."

She shook her head. He needed to stop apologizing for her mistakes. None of this was his fault and he had no idea. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come over there."

He reached out and took her hand in his, rubbing her knuckles lightly with his thumb. "Yes you should've. I'm glad you did. I just… I was nervous and I handled it badly."

"You asked for time," she said, watching his thumb move back and forth over her hand.

"With no explanation."

But she didn't need an explanation. It was her fault. It was all her fault, every bit of it, he just didn't know it yet. She looked back up at him, her eyes filled with unshed tears. "I miss you," she whispered.

He glanced over at the table before looking back at her. "I have no right to ask you this. Are you on a date?"

Her eyes widened, but it should've have surprised her. He didn't trust her, maybe he never would again. "No," she said, shaking her head. "Just a study break."

"Are you moving back to Wisconsin?"

"No, just going home for Thanksgiving in a few weeks."

He nodded and squeezed her hand. "We need to talk about some things."

She knew he was right, but she dreaded it. Dreaded telling him things for which he might never be able to forgive her. "Yeah."

"I have Sunday off. Can we get together? Someplace private where we can talk? My place maybe?"

Sunday. She'd have to tell him on Sunday. She'd have to say it out loud in two days. "Sure. How about one?"