Chapter 2

"Hey, Karen?"

"Yeah, Rick?"

"I hate Kai."

"That's nice, Rick. I like beer."

"Yeah, beer is good. But Kai is a troublemaker."

"Wine is good, too."

"Yup. Wine is nice. So are Spa Eggs. But you know what sucks?"

"Kai?"

Rick beamed.

"No one understands me like you, Karen. Have some popcorn."

Karen's eyes grew misty, and her cheeks grew pink.

"Aw, Rick, I knew there was a reason I sit here with you every morning."

Sakura Hyacinthia Roseblossom Crystal Lythia Sunshine Moondancer McPretty shook her head as she hurried past the supermarket, pointedly ignoring the pair on the bench. What a couple of weirdoes.

Nevertheless, if they were going to start happily adoring her, she would probably have to speak to them at some point. Sakura was a girl of depth and character, with a sensitive disposition and a craving for love and affection, and disliked being adored based solely on her immense physical beauty. As nice as that could be, it just felt shallow.

And so, coming to a halt, she back-pedalled until she was standing before the bench, and turned to smile cheerfully at the two young people.

"Hi there! My name is Sakura Hyacinthia Roseblossom Crystal Lythia Sunshine Moondancer McPretty, and I'm new in town."

Karen looked at Rick.

Rick looked at Karen.

Karen ate some popcorn and washed it down with a bottle of wine.

Rick pontificated his hatred for Kai just a little more.

Finally…

"You got a nickname?" Karen asked flatly.

"Well, lots of people call me Mary Sue," the little blonde replied gravely. "But I don't really know why."

"Uh…could we just call you Sakura? I mean, my middle name is Terrence, but no one calls me Richard Terrence McGuire," Rick said with a laugh.

Karen snorted with laughter.

"Your middle name is Terrence?"

Realizing his mistake, Rick sighed.

"Dammit…"

"Uh, right. Well, I'll just be going now," Sakura said loudly, with slightly forced cheerfulness, to the two young people who seemed to have completely forgotten her existence in their minor wrestling match executed on a bench.

She hurried away, and turned in at the short lane leading to the door of the clinic.

Maybe the doctor would be a sane, rational human being.

No, she decided, half an hour later, making her way down the lane and away from the clinic at almost a dead run, he was not.

She had harboured some hope for it when she had walked into the waiting room, only to be greeted by a pretty brunette seated by the counter, engaged in an intense game of Solitaire.

The sight of someone roughly her own age completely and utterly neglecting her job in favour of playing had reminded Sakura so comfortingly of the office work she had done for a year previous to coming here, that she had immediately gotten over the tragic and painful past that considerately buggered off whenever it wasn't convenient for a plot point, and spent a most enjoyable ten minutes chatting with the girl.

However, when Elli had called to the doctor that there was someone here to see him, Sakura had been a little nonplussed by the shout of complete jubilation, as well as the accompanying excited inquiry into whether or not this would require complex and time-consuming surgery.

Equally disturbing had been the young man's insistence that she should try a new sort of medicine he had been working on. She had nearly run screaming from the clinic at the slightly maniacal gleam in his eye, but when Sakura had sent a pleading look at Elli, the little nurse had made the universal hand-sign for "It's okay; it might taste like a combination of transmission fluid, turpentine, and Brussels sprouts, but it really does work. It'll really pick you up after all that farm work – make you feel better in no time."

A long, unwieldy message to cram into a simple gesture, but Sakura considered herself especially gifted in the area of the interpretation of sign language.

And so, she had taken the medicine. Gulped down every last drop, gagging over the stuff, and thanking all of the particularly pretty ancient goddesses that this was to be the end of her ordeal.

Until Elli had informed her, solemnly but eyes sparkling teasingly, that it tasted like that because of the poison the Doctor put in to ensure a continued steady stream of business.

The Doctor had been nearing the end of his panicked and angry demand of how Elli had figured it out, and just how much she knew, and how he had forgotten that ingredient in this batch, which might explain the painfully slow week they'd been having, growing more borderline hysterical with every word before he finally noticed both girls staring incredulously.

"Um…Doctor, I think she was joking," Sakura had finally piped up hesitantly.

"Of course," the Doctor had said, not missing a beat, his customary impassive expression returning. "So was I. Ha-ha, chortle, grin, and so forth."

All of this had led to the newly-made little farmer hurrying away from the clinic as though pursued by all the fiery demons of the netherworld.

Oh, well. Out of this entire town, someone had to be normal.

Four hours later, Sakura stumbled blindly out of the church door.

Well, someone might be normal, but it sure wasn't the pastor. Carter, or something. She was ordinarily good with names, but somehow, a four-hour rendition of the story of the toast he had had for breakfast, complete with sock puppets and pyrotechnic displays, had managed to drive it right out of her head.

Of course, the hundred-and-twenty-voice chorus he had hired to provide the background vocals had been incredibly good; she was thinking of asking Carter for a copy of the soundtrack next time she saw him. That scraggly-looking guy, Cliff, had told her that he was offering the two-record set for a pretty reasonable price.

But it had been a little creepy nonetheless. Just thinking about all those poor choristers crammed into the confessional booth made her shudder in sympathy.

She was, after all, an immensely kindly and sympathetic girl, wracked to her very core every minute of every day with pain for the suffering of others less fortunate. Truly, nothing could lessen the agony of a deep empathy with those in pain. It might be a hard burden to bear, but—

"Ooh! A puppy!" she exclaimed delightedly as she caught sight of a brown, floppy-eared little mass of energy barking excitedly at her from the other end of Rose Square.

She scampered towards the puppy as the narrator left in a huff at his young heroine's complete inability to remain consistent long enough for him to get properly through his dramatic monologue.

"Aw, you're so cute!" she squealed as the little animal leapt happily into her arms. "What's your name, uh…" She turned the dog over, much to its deep disapproval. "…girl?"

"Hannah! Where are you, Hannah?"

The next moment, May gave a startled squeal at the sight of a young woman, clad in overalls, blonde hair flying behind her in the breeze, lunging towards her.

"What a cute little girl!" the blonde exclaimed, huggling her enthusiastically.

"Um…thanks," May squeaked, frightened. "But can I have my puppy back now?"

Sakura looked from May, snuggled into her right arm, to the puppy, wedged somewhere between her left arm and her side, and laughed sheepishly.

"Right, sorry. She's a very cute little puppy you have here. And a very cute you to match!"

"Um, right," May agreed nervously, wriggling out of Sakura's grip and tugging Hannah along with her, before scurrying hastily out of Rose Square.

Sakura blinked.

"That was weird. I guess the poor thing is a little shy."

May shook her head as she trotted towards Yodel Ranch.

"I think that lady was crazy," she said sadly to Hannah.

Hannah, whose head was still spinning slightly from her brief inversion, gave a hearty woof of agreement.

What was this town coming to, when people roamed around peeking at each other's secret bits?

"Ooh! I haven't been here yet!"

Quickly banishing the thought that maybe she should leave somewhere unexplored for today in the interest of having something exciting to do tomorrow, Sakura pushed through the door of Doug's Inn.

"Wow! What a warm welcome!" she said happily as a big, bearded redhead and a girl roughly her own age and clad in overalls hurried towards her, both smiling widely.

"We haven't seen you around here before, have we?" the girl asked. "Oh, you must be the new farmer that the Mayor was talking about! You know; once he got through telling us about his new penny and the apple stem he bought with it. I'm Ann, by the way. And this is my father, Doug."

"Oh, as implied by the name, 'Doug's Inn', right?" Sakura said, nodding sagely.

Ann and Doug exchanged glances.

"Um, yeah, that's right," Ann agreed hesitantly. "Anyway, would you like something to eat?"

"We'll treat you this time," Doug added. "Since you're new to Mineral Town."

On the verge of joyously accepting this unexpected treat – a sure sign that word of her breath-taking beauty had gotten around – Sakura stopped abruptly in mid-nod.

Wasn't this a little suspicious? Hadn't the Doctor shown her just what came of this so-called small-town hospitality?

That was it! Clearly, these two carrot-tops were in league with the Doctor! She glared.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Ann and Doug exchanged another glance.

"W-well, yeah, that's kind of why we offered," Ann admitted.

"Don't play sweet innocent barmaid with me, missy!" Sakura ordered, pointing emphatically at the little redhead. "I know all about your little plot with the Doctor!"

"You've been to see the Doctor?" Doug asked with a groan of dismay.

"You bet your ass I've seen him, missy! And tried his 'special medicine'," she added with over-emphasized finger quotes.

Ann's eyes widened.

"And you're still standing! You'll make a great farmer, insanity notwithstanding."

"Don't even try to change the subject! Your long flowing Titian hair and big sparkly blue eyes and killer body might fool some people, but I know what's going on! You poison your food, offer newcomers a free sample, and cash in on half the medical bill when the victim of your evil scheme gets rushed to the clinic!"

"What!" Ann shrieked as Doug's arm shot up automatically to hold her back from her very first bar brawl. "How insulting! We're just trying to be nice and get to know our new neighbour, and you come sailing in here, accusing us of poisoning people and—hey, did you just hit on me?"

"Alright, break it up, ladies," Doug growled, by now operating solely on the list of generic lines he had memorized in the instance of bar fight and thus neglecting to notice the lack of any actual contact thus far. He took his daughter by the shoulders. "Ann, she just told us she's been to see the Doctor. Everyone gets a little funny in the head when Tim tricks them into trying his 'special medicine'." He turned to Sakura. "And you! Well, I'm sorry that your first impression of this town was being poisoned by the local medical professional, but you can't take it out on everyone else! We don't all go around poisoning people, you know. And you've got to hand it to him; he didn't make you pay for the antidote."

Sakura pouted.

"Okay, that's true. Even though I think he might have if his nurse hadn't put him in a wrestling hold. But do you want to hear about my second impression of Mineral Town?"

"Let's talk about it over juice and pie!" Ann suggested excitedly.

"Geez, you sure forgive quickly," Sakura noted.

"Actually, I just really like Dad's pie," the redhead admitted, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.

"Okay, everyone," Doug laughed, setting a steaming hot apple pie in the middle of the table next to a large pitcher of grape punch. "Let's eat!"

As one, Ann and Sakura raised their fists in the air in triumph.

"Hooray!"

"La la-la la-la, it's a pretty day, la la-la la-la, it's a—oh, no!"

Popuri's joyful song melted into a dismayed squeak as she noticed something feathered and white scurrying towards the gate of the farm and freedom beyond. She hurried after the little would-be jailbreak, and stopped abruptly as a pair of heavy (yet stylish) work boots and two legs clad in attractively form-fitting denim came into her line of vision.

She looked up.

"Hey, I caught this feather duster trying to run away," the blonde told her solemnly. "Never seen household cleaning supplies go bad like that."

"Um…it's a chicken," Popuri informed the newcomer hesitantly, not entirely sure if she should be laughing at this girl's joke.

"Oh! I knew that."

"Wow; you need some serious help," the pink-haired girl noted sadly. "I can give you a quick chicken-care tutorial, if you like!"

"That might be good," Sakura shrugged noncommittally. "You know, to refresh my memory on some of the finer points."

"O-kay!" Popuri chirped happily. "Now, the three things you have to remember are: food, hygiene, and affection."

"Food, hygiene, and affection…do I need to write this down? I do have an impeccable memory…"

"Every day, you have to remember to feed and water your chickens, clean out the coop when it gets dirty, and finally, once a day pick up your chickens and put them over there. All clear?"

"Uh, I think so," Sakura replied. "Except, if I'm planting the chickens in my field, why do I need to keep the coop clean?"

Popuri blinked huge, confused eyes.

"Um…what?"

"Well, you told me I have to water my chickens once a day," Sakura replied absently, reading over the notes she had jotted down onto a small notepad.

"No, no, you give them water! In the water thingy!"

"Water thingy…is that the technical term?"

"Sure is! Come over here. This," Popuri said proudly, leading Sakura over to the chicken coop and gesturing to a big water tank attached to the side, "is the Acme Water Thingy 3001. Best on the market."

"O…kay. Feed 'em, fill the water thingy, clean the coop…but I'm still a little fuzzy on the last one."

"Picking them up and putting them over there? It's a very important part of chicken care."

"I see. But what does it mean, exactly?"

"I'll demonstrate," Popuri replied, reaching for the chicken that Sakura had been nearly squeezing to death by tucking it under her arm throughout all of this.

The pink-haired girl set the chicken carefully on the ground and straightened up. Then, very deliberately, she bent down and took hold of the chicken.

"See? I pick him up…" She walked three equally deliberate steps, and then set the small creature down. "And I put him over there!"

"Right," Sakura mumbled, jotting down more notes. "So, every morning, I go into my coop, pick up my chicken, bring him to your farm, and put him down over there," she finished, pointing to the spot currently occupied by the chicken. "It's a little inconvenient, but if it makes them happy…"

"No, no, not there specifically!" Popuri corrected hastily. "There in a more…metaphorical sense. There can be anywhere aside from the chicken's starting point."

"So, I just have to put it somewhere different."

"Right! Pick it up, and put it over there!"

"Got it," Sakura assured her. "One more question. Why?"

"The chickens like it!" Popuri explained very solemnly. "It makes them be over there!"

"POPURI!"

Both girls jumped, startled by this furious shout. Popuri turned, and rolled her eyes with a great, heaving sigh at the sight of her brother hurrying towards her.

"Rick, what's wrong?"

"What are you doing around my sister? I'll bet you're trying to lure her to the docks and spirit her away from us! Or just lure her into the chicken coop, have your fun with her, and drop her like so much used tissue! Well, I won't stand for it! If anyone is going to teach my sister about what happens between a man and a woman, it's me," the shaggy-haired young man spat, glowering darkly at Sakura. Then, after a long moment of peering closely at the little farmer-girl, he backed away quickly with a sheepish laugh. "Oh, hi, Sakura. Sorry about that. I thought you were…uh, someone else. Stupid Kai," he finished in a vicious mutter.

"Right; it must be the dead-pale city-girl skin, the long blonde hair, and the boobs," Popuri said sarcastically, glaring daggers at Rick, who blinked.

"Wow. Maybe you're not as close to Kai as I thought," he laughed. "You really have no idea what he looks like, Sis!"

"O-kay! I'm just gonna…go now," Sakura announced, ducking between the two siblings quickly assuming battle positions. "See you around."

"Rrr!" said Popuri.

"Rrr!" said Rick.

"Morons," said Sakura.

"Moo," said a passing cow.

"Galdernit! Get back here, you sonuvagun!" said Barley, hurrying past after the cow.

"Dammit!" Sakura exclaimed the next morning, staring helplessly at her vast field, a newly upgraded Mystrile watering can that Saibara had given her for free in honour of her beauty dangling from her left hand. "I forgot to plant again!"

And so the days passed. Gradually, Sakura became used to life on the farm. Eventually, she even remembered to buy some seeds and a chicken or two, thus solving the mystery of why this whole 'agriculture' venture was proving so woefully unprofitable. Her hand grew calloused, but still slim and beautiful and sexily scarred. The calluses were no matter; she had always been a firm believer that whatever didn't kill her, made her hotter. Her animal friends, being abnormally brilliant, began to learn by watching her how to water, and together she and her makeshift Disney movie frolicked through the field to the rousing melody of their improvised musical numbers.

As she became accustomed to her new life, the ripples cast through the peaceful town by Sakura's arrival subsided, and before long, she found herself no longer the stone that had cause the ripple, but part of the pond.

Or something like that.

Being good at everything was bound to cost her a penalty somewhere, after all. It just happened to be her poetic sense that suffered. Or her lack thereof, rather. She was still trying to think of a good rhyme for 'dog' to end off that nice little verse she had begun for English class in the fourth grade. Hopefully, the teacher wouldn't mind if she turned it in a bit late.

Nevertheless, whether a pebble or a pond, Sakura had managed to make a place for herself in the easygoing rural community of Mineral Town.

But her newfound peace was not to last, for a plot was brewing. Something with swift and far-reaching consequences. Something that would grab the town by its proverbial horns and whirl it about in a cyclone of confusion – metaphorically speaking, of course.

Something…evil.

End Notes: Okay; I solemnly swear on a stack of Discworld novels, the slightly…loopy way that Rick and the Doctor are acting will have a purpose beyond cheap character-bashing. I love both of them to bits. Just wanted to clear that up, because I feel a little guilty about making the Doctor a mad scientist in this chapter.