Chapter 5
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"Can you believe the nerve of that show-off?" Karen ranted furiously as she stormed up the road toward Rose Square.
Trotting after her, Ann scratched her head.
"What did she do this time? I thought it was kinda nice of her to come help us like that."
"Exactly!" Karen exclaimed. "So do I! That's the point! She comes barging in, making a big deal about how nice she's being to the stupid little country bumpkins who can't even shave without something going wrong, swinging around that Mystrile Sickle of hers, spouting witty dialogue!"
Ann blinked wide, confused blue eyes several times.
"Witty dialogue?" she repeated. "I remember lots of stupid dialogue, but I don't remember any of the witty stuff."
"And the way she just happened to be there in the nick of time?" Karen continued. "What a joke! She was obviously eavesdropping at the bottom of the stairs, waiting until the most dramatically effective moment to make her appearance. No one's that lucky."
"I don't know," Ann said in a tone of great consideration. "She is good at everything else; why wouldn't she be abnormally lucky?"
Karen made a noise of disgust.
"Ugh…and did you see Rick swooning over her? 'Oh, Sakura!' she mimicked. 'You're my hero! Thank-you so much! You've saved my life, and the lives of all of Mineral Town! If there's ever anything I can do to make it up to you…'"
As she continued to utter the sort of gibberish that Rick would have been horribly embarrassed to hear, let alone to speak himself, Ann's face became a brown study. A thought bubble appeared above her head, within a particularly cartoonish rendition of Rick.
The redhead listened very carefully as her apparition of the long-haired boy recited all the lines he had spoken to the blonde farmer in the previous scene.
Thanks, Sakura.
Uh, sure.
She frowned. That didn't sound like anything Karen was saying. Ann tried again, her brow furrowing with greater concentration.
Thanks, Sakura.
Uh, sure.
Nope, still nothing. One more time.
Thanks, Sakura.
Uh, sure.
It was no use, Ann thought with a mournful sigh. Obviously, she had witnessed an entirely different scene than Karen had, but her friend was upset, and it was at times like these that a little sensitivity and kindness was called for.
"You're right, Karen," she said decidedly. "That smooth-talking city-gal's got all the guys under some kind of spell. Luckily," she added, her expression warping into something very closely resembling pure evil, "we girls are immune."
Karen stopped short, stared incredulously at the redhead, and then sighed.
"Why do I get the feeling that I've just created a monster?"
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"We're not gonna paa-aay, we're not gonna paa-aay, we're not gonna paaaay, for our toast!" Sakura sang jubilantly as she skipped up the road from her farm into town.
Ever since she'd picked up her copy of Carter's Toasterrific Musical Extravaganza, she'd been listening to it on the record payer she had been given by a portly gentleman named Van in honour of her beauty and grace (as well as the several hundred thousand gold the rip-off artist had demanded for it), and now she had the entire thing running through her head in snippets.
Incidentally, it was also during this period of time that her consumption of crisp, lightly warmed bread had tripled. Sakura couldn't explain it; the songs just made her so…hungry.
As she passed the forge, she noticed a group of people gathered up ahead, and squealed happily.
"I wonder if the live production is touring again!"
She scampered over to join the small knot of people, and stopped short. In addition to Popuri and May, there was a young man that she was fairly certain she had never seen before. Tall, slim, yet somehow also incredibly muscular, swarthy, head wrapped in a purple bandana, dark eyes twinkling, friendly roguish laugh carrying on the soft almost-summer breeze. A vision of beauty in male form.
"Darn," Sakura sighed. "It's just some guy. I wanted to see Toast! again."
May turned.
"Oh, hi Sakura," she greeted cheerfully, making sure to stay well out of tackle-hugging range. "Come meet Kai!"
"Kai, this is the girl we were telling you about," Popuri explained, taking Sakura's arm and hurrying her over. "The one who took over the old man's farm."
"Oh, right!" Kai grinned. "The demonic succubus who sucks the blood from innocent baby chickens and wants to steal all the guys for herself!"
"Hey!" Sakura barked sternly at the same instant as Kai collapsed, wheezing, with Popuri's elbow firmly in his side. "I do not want all the guys! Seriously; men are more work than cows. They make a bigger mess, and they eat twice as much, eh, Kai?" She nudged Kai conspiratorially for several seconds, before grinning sheepishly as she noticed the young man's glare. "Oh, right; guy. Well, I gotta get going; I'm on my way to the Library, and all those books won't just up and read themselves, you know!"
"No, but Mary will probably read them," May pointed out. "And Gray, 'cause he's trying to impress her."
Sakura blinked.
"Um…well…maybe I want to impress Mary, too! You ever think of that?"
"Not asking," Kai muttered aside to Popuri, who giggled.
This, however, all flew completely over the eight-year old head of May, who shrugged.
"Kaay. I'm going to the Library, too, so I'll walk with you."
"You two are going?" Kai asked hopefully, stealing a suggestive sideways grin at a blushing Popuri. "See you." He turned to address Sakura. "Nice to meet you, man."
Sakura bristled.
"I am not a man!"
"Sorry," Kai shrugged. "Nice to meet you, woman."
"Kai!" Popuri exclaimed, delivering a painful swat to the back of his head. "That is sexist and demeaning!"
"Okay! Geez, sorry!" Kai exclaimed, adjusting his bandana. "Nice to meet you, non-gender-specific, valuable member of the human race."
"Nice to meet you too, Kai," Sakura called back cheerfully, taking May's hand and skipping away, half dragging the unfortunate child behind her. "Think of me, think of me fondly, when you're eating toast…"
"Man, what a psycho," Kai sighed, watching May scurrying madly in a futile effort to keep up with Sakura's boundless and dangerous energy.
Popuri bristled.
"I am not a man!"
Kai sighed again.
"Ugh…"
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"Good afternoon, Rick," the doctor greeted with the aloof pleasantness that, it is rather curious but almost entirely irrelevant, made a sizeable starring role in the dreams of one short-haired brunette who may or may not have worked as his nurse, four nights out of five, the fifth being dedicated entirely to the 'strange, fluttery feeling' it gave her whenever he became truly angry. "I see you still have the mustache. So, what seems to be the trouble?"
"I still have the mustache," Rick replied somewhat testily. "And it's starting to do some strange things."
"Strange, how?" Tim asked, leaning forward over his desk and tugging at the end of his own mustache as he listened intently.
"Well, early this morning, it attacked one of the chickens. Then, when I tried to shave it off, it went bad again and attacked Karen. Sakura hacked most of it off with her sickle when she happened by with suspiciously good timing, but now it's all grown back again!"
The doctor sighed.
"I was afraid that I might not be the only one; my mustache has been having fits of violence, too."
"I'll say," a sweet, feminine voice called a second before a sulky, brown-eyed little female appeared at the doorway, dust rag and polish in hand.
Rick stared at the long, jagged cut extending over Elli's left eye, and the bandage wrapped tightly around her wrist. And was she limping a little?
"Wow…the doctor's mustache did that to you, Elli?"
"Yeah," she sighed sadly. "When I tried to shave it off. Although, for some reason, it bent me over and hit me on the…um…bottom with a ruler about ten times first."
Turning slightly red, the doctor surreptitiously nudged the long wooden ruler at the edge of his desk under a pile of papers, then turned disapproving eyes on his nurse.
"What are you doing out of bed anyway? I didn't give you the day off to rest just so you could spend it…what are you doing, exactly?"
She returned his disapproving gaze with a faintly annoyed one.
"I'm dusting your shelves, because people have been complaining that whenever they come to see you, their allergies start acting up. And people shouldn't feel worse after a trip to the doctor's. Unless it's because of the poison," she added quickly, "because that is for their own good; it ensures they'll come back for another check-up that they might otherwise neglect to consider."
Tim nodded, quite gratified. He had taught her well. Nevertheless…
"Well, do it tomorrow; for now, get back to bed before I take you there myself."
An electric shock seemed to run through Elli, and Rick blinked in surprise as she very deliberately set her cleaning supplies down on the floor, marched over to the doctor's desk, hopped up to sit at the edge, and sent him a look that was pure challenge.
With a sigh and a badly failed attempt to hide a grin, the doctor rose from his chair, grabbed his little assistant around the waist, hoisted her over his shoulder, and stalked from the room.
"I'll be back in a minute, Rick," he called over his shoulder. "Don't go anywhere."
"Sure thing, Doc," Rick agreed easily, settling down to wait.
He whistled a jaunty tune, tapping his heel absently against the floor, and trying valiantly to ignore the sounds of a scuffle from overhead. If any more questionable noises made themselves heard, Rick decided adamantly, he was leaving, mustache or no mustache.
After a long, uncomfortable series of moments, Tim emerged from the stairs, looking decidedly rumpled.
"Sorry about that, Rick," he said, shooting the sandy-haired young man a sheepish look. "She's stronger than she looks."
Rick blinked.
"Hold on; you gave her the day off because your mustache roughed her up a little? Aren't you the same guy who made her finish the workday when she broke her ankle coming downstairs?"
"Actually," Tim said, frowning, "it was a sprain, not a break. A mild sprain. And I didn't give her the day off for her injuries; I gave her the day off because she stumbled back in here at about four this morning, and when she came downstairs to start work, she tried to parallel-park her desk."
"Does Elli even drive?" Rick asked, scratching his head."
"No," Tim replied flatly.
"Gotcha. So, where was she all night? I mean, I could see Karen disappearing for hours at a time – mostly because she's been doing it every night for the last week – but Elli's not much of a party girl."
"I don't know where she's been," the doctor said tersely. "It's not my business, as her employer, to know the where and when of her social life until it interferes with her job. If she wants to spend all night gallivanting with every man in town, I certainly have no right to be angry over it. To do so would be completely unprofessional. Although…you say that Karen has been doing this as well?"
"Yeah," said Rick, before adopting a shocked, vaguely intrigued expression. "You don't think they're sneaking out to meet each other again, do you?"
Tim rested his forehead briefly in his hand.
"Rick, I told you; that was a misunderstanding."
"Oh," the long-haired boy sighed sadly.
"But she mumbled something about Sakura while I was trying to pour a cup of coffee down her throat this morning to wake her up before we tried to shave this—" He tugged at his mustache. "—off. There was no way I was letting her handle a razor in the state she was in."
Rick nodded in complete understanding. Elli with sharp objects was a terrifying thought the rest of the time, he thought wisely. Then he frowned.
"Wait a second; Sakura?"
"Well, yes. Why?"
The young Mr. McGuire shook his head, eyes narrowing slightly.
"Karen's been spending a lot of time with Sakura lately, too. She shows up every other night to drake Popuri off to Super-Happy Amazing Funshiney Rainbow Sparkle Farm. And every time I've seen Karen in the last couple weeks, she's been talking about how gorgeous and brilliant and nauseatingly perfect Sakura is."
"Mmm. Well, Elli hasn't quite put it that way, but she seems fond of Sakura, too."
"Oh, my God!" Rick exclaimed. "They're both madly in love with her! Seriously; she fights with a sickle, goes around singing about toast all the time, and they still think she's amazing. Only love can blind someone that much. That's why Sakura showed up in the nick of time to rescue Karen and me: she's trying to amass a fangirl base! She's one of those crazy feminists that insist all men should die alone, so she's luring all the women of the town to her, at which point she'll reject all but her chosen few, and set to work arranging lesbian marriages for the rest of them!"
Tim caught Rick's arm as he sprang out of his chair.
"Now, Rick, we can't jump to conclusions. Our suspicions might be nothing more than a symptom of whatever gave us these…strange facial hair formations."
"Yeah, I guess that's possible," Rick agreed hesitantly. "Weird, but possible."
"I should have told you sooner," the doctor continued, staring morosely into space, "but I've been noticing some strange urges recently."
"Does this have to do with that peeping hole Elli's always talking about?" Rick interrupted. "Because no offense, man, but I really don't want to know."
His dramatic monologue moment all but buried under a crushing wave of running-gag-induced silliness, the doctor shot Rick an irritated glare.
"Not the peeping hole. No, this has more to do with an irrational anger whenever she speaks to another man. For that matter, when she speaks to a man – I nearly kicked my own teeth in the other day when she came in to bring me a sandwich. And I've been entertaining thoughts recently of moving her room down to the cellar, and putting a lock on the door. From the outside."
"This might be a dumb question, but…the Clinic doesn't have a cellar, right?" Rick asked, hiding a grin.
"No," Tim replied flatly again.
"Well, this is all kinda weird, Doc," Rick admitted nervously. "I've been noticing some things like that, too. Just the other day, I ordered Ann away from my sister in a jealous rage. And that's my sister. I don't know what I might do if I find Karen chatting with Ann."
"Or, you know, with a man," the doctor suggested, mildly sarcastic.
Rick blinked.
"Why would that bother me?"
"Forget it," Tim sighed.
"Anyway," Rick continued briskly, "facial-hair-induced paranoia or not, I think it's only fair that we tell the other guys about this."
"Rick, let's not be hasty; we don't even know that there's anything to tell them."
Rick regarded the older man very seriously.
"They deserve to know, Doc. If we tell them, they can make their own decisions. If we don't tell them, and something is going on, we'll feel terrible that we didn't warn them."
"Oh, here it comes," Tim grumbled, dropping his forehead wearily to one hand and wondering briefly if the urge to devise Plans was sexually transmitted.
Rick's eye glinted dangerously.
"I say, we call a meeting!"
"Alright, fine," the doctor said snappishly. "But if Elli sneaks out while I'm not here and lets some handsome Gypsy boy spirit her off to a foreign land to be a belly-dancer, it'll be on your head. And don't expect any sympathy from me if she takes Karen with her."
Rick stared.
"I don't know, man; Karen and Elli in belly-dance outfits? I've had dreams that started that way. Goooooood dreams. Although, Mary and Ann are usually there, too."
"Rrr!" said Tim, his mustache bristling in fury. "MY Elli!"
"Hey, I can't help it!" Rick protested. "You had her giving me massages every week when I twisted my back falling off that roof last year! You try having a girl rub you all over without having thoughts about her! Even though she laughed at me for calling her Karen whenever she was doing it," he finished thoughtfully.
"Rick, please, no more details," Tim interjected quickly, wondering just what sort of a doctor he was to be feeling faintly nauseous at the idea of two of his young neighbours going energetically about the business of starting a family. "There are some things a man should keep private."
Rick grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry, man." He stood. "Alright, so it's settled. We'll meet at Doug's Place tomorrow night. I'll let Gray and Cliff know."
"And Kai," the doctor added.
Rick made a face.
"Can't you tell him?"
Tim made an impatient noise.
"Rick, you're going to be right there; the three of them share a room. Why can't you just go up, shout 'meet us tomorrow night at nine', and go?"
"I'll get Gray to tell him," Rick replied quickly.
"If you dislike him so much," Tim said, hiding a grin, "do you really want to warn him that Sakura is after your sister? Anyone's better than Kai, right?"
"Yeah, I used to think that," Rick said with a laugh. "But at least Kai doesn't sing annoying songs about toast all the time and introduce me to his pet snake every time I see him."
Tim shuddered.
"There's something disturbingly Freudian in that statement…"
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End Notes: Aaaaaaaaand Rhianwen's nature as a Kai/Rick shipper shines through again. What can I say? They're cute. Sadly, though, not in this story. Sigh...