Chapter 8
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The Harvest Goddess, the spirit of joy and happiness, the protector and patron of Mineral Town, stared in complete and utter bemusement at the young ladies before her, each bearing an armload of flowers.
"Umm..."
"I know it sounds crazy," Karen began, completely unhesitating, because, as Mary would later confide to her mother, it took a lot more than a goddess to derail Karen when she got like this. "But it's absolutely true."
"A new girl in town," the rainbow-clad deity summarized flatly, "who is trying to make all the boys fall in love with her, just to be mean."
"Yes," Karen confirmed.
"Geez, when she puts it like that, it sounds really dumb, doesn't it?" Ann whispered aside to Mary, who nodded emphatically, and then elbowed Popuri, who was essentially ignoring the conversation in favour of decorating her hair liberally with flowers.
"But we think she's decided on a Number 1," Karen continued, ignoring the other three and their antics and leaning closer to the beautiful woman in the pond. "She's meeting a guy here tonight, and it's none of our guys."
"Karen thinks it's the Kappa," Ann added helpfully, only to be whapped soundly with Pink Cat Flower for her troubles.
"Even though nobody's bothered to wonder how Sakura was talking to the Kappa on the telephone," Mary noted under her breath, only to be ignored, as was very often the fate of all those who attempted to inject common sense into blatant silliness.
"Really," the Harvest Goddess said thoughtfully. "He hasn't mentioned any human girl to me since the tiny, noisy one that fell into the lake years ago."
"Well, he is kind of unfriendly," Popuri said knowingly as Ann turned miserably red and glowered at the world in general.
The Goddess sighed.
"Listen, girls, I think playing with people's emotions is a terrible thing to do, and I don't like the thought of someone in this town doing it any more than the rest of you. But unless we're going to manipulate right back, I don't think there's anything we can do. And two wrongs don't make a right, you know," she finished in a sing-song half-giggle.
"And what if she marries the Kappa?" Karen asked lightly, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised slightly. "With all due respect, I thought you'd object a little more than this."
"And why did you think that?" the Goddess asked in a voice that tried to be pleasat, but more resembled sugar-sweet danger.
"Oh, come on!" Ann giggled. "You're all the way out here, no one else to talk to, there's gotta be something going on!"
The Harvest Goddess grit her teeth as four silly little girls giggled over the possibilities of her love-life. Finally, she rolled her eyes and pointed to the heavens. A bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, burning it to the ground.
"Alright, alright, enough! Is the Harvest Goddess gonna have to smite a bitch?" she demanded, glaring at each girl in turn.
"Sorry, Ma'am," four badly frightened young women chorused together.
Casually re-growing the tree she had just reduced to ash, the rainbow-ey deity smiled smugly.
"Thank-you." Then she sighed. "Do you ladies have any...oh, I don't know...evidence to back up your allegations?"
"Look, all five of us have seen the signs," Karen said very seriously. "The guys are all sneaking off at weird times to do weird things, and she goes to visit them nearly every day—"
"Hold on," the Goddess interjected, frowning and counting the four glossy little heads yet again. "You said five? There are only four of you here."
"What? That's crazy," Karen protested. "There's me, Ann, Mary, Popuri, and...aw, dammit." She glanced over her shoulder with a sheepish grin. "Anyone seen Elli?"
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"Where are they!" a distraught little nurse was, at approximately that same moment, demanding tearfully.
Doug shook his head helplessly, eyes warm with sympathy.
"Sorry, Elli, I haven't seen any of them in quite a while now."
"This is so typical," she fumed. "They insist on dragging me out of the nice, safe, warm Clinic, and then they don't even show up!"
The bearded man frowned.
"That doesn't sound much like Mary to me..."
"Well, okay, not Mary," Elli amended. "But everyone else! Oh, and except for Ann," she added hurriedly when she recalled that the strong resemblance between Doug and her redheaded friend was more than just coincidence.
"Right," he grinned. Then he grew sober. So to speak. "Look, Elli, I'm sorry to do this when you're already upset, but if you're gonna sit here..."
"Alright, fine," she sighed resignedly. "I'll have a glass of milk."
Doug quirked an eyebrow, hiding a smile.
"Sure you don't want something stronger, to calm you down?"
Elli stared at the redheaded man, aghast. The idea of using alcohol as a means of escape from life's little catastrophes was, to her, one of the most terribly immature, not to mention utterly stupid, things possible to do without the involvement of whoopie cushions, silly-string, or Tom Green.
This had been solidified a few years ago, from faint unease at Karen's excessive drinking and its possible effects on the poor girl, to a fervent vow to never, ever do the same, when she had found herself compelled to half-carry her employer upstairs following an evening of conversation and companionship with Carter. She had been woken up a little after midnight by the sound of a repeated thud from downstairs, and had crept, nightgown-clad and wielding a curtain rod, to the landing to see what on earth was causing it.
The sight of the doctor walking repeatedly into the wall next to the staircase, yelping in pain, and then trying again was one that would both haunt both of them for the rest of their days, particularly once the doctor discovered that Elli's presence of mind had allowed her to run back to her room for a camera, thus providing her with all the blackmail material a sweet-natured, utterly ruthless little nurse could ever need.
Ruthlessness aside, she had eventually stopped pointing and laughing, and hurried downstairs to guide him onto the staircase, and up to his room, only swerving away from her own room with an air of great self-sacrifice at the last minute.
The next morning had proved a terribly embarrassing ordeal for both, the doctor because, while requiring Elli's help to run the Clinic smoothly and efficiently was one thing, requiring the sweet little brunette's help to so much as stand up was quite another. The bath incident had been especially bad.
Elli's ordeal had come when Tim had proved that it would take more than a cask of wine to completely rob him of his keenly observant nature, by asking curiously why exactly she had stripped him completely naked to put him to bed, because he was fairly certain he had been wearing underwear last night.
All in all, with such a memory entrenched in her pretty little head of what came of drinking too much, Elli was not only determined never to do it, but deathly afraid of what might happen if she did.
And this man was blithely suggesting something stronger to calm her down!
"Yeah, okay," she agreed with an indifferent shrug. "Rusty Nail, and keep 'em coming."
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Sakura gazed deeply into the full-length mirror, an expression of intense concentration wrinkling her forehead as she drew the eyeliner pencil carefully across her lid with the slow, halting movements of a girl completely unused to such silliness.
Or at least, doing it well.
But this was a special night, and called for some special dollin' up!
"I wonder what my Pooky-bear wants to ask me," she pondered aloud on a blissful sigh, setting her eyeliner reverently down on the tray on the counter, and reaching for her brush.
As she drew the brush through her long golden locks, she hummed softly one of the most beautifully bittersweet songs in all of Toast!
"Don't you fret, M'sieur Ryan S., I'll gain an ounce at most. A little slice of toast shan't hurt my diet plan…"
Then, once her hair had been taken care of, hanging in a smooth mass over her shoulders, she set immediately about mussing it up again, taking a flying leap at her bed with a delighted squeal, pouncing on the framed photograph lying on her pillow.
That slightly oblong face, those noble chins, that gigantic mouth, that elegantly flamboyant fashion sense…he was perfect, that was all!
And such a perfect man needed a perfect present to celebrate their one-month dating anniversary. There wasn't much time; she'd meant to be on her way about fifteen minutes ago, instead of preening like an idiot. Nevertheless, Elli would come through her on this.
She always did.
Giving her photograph an exuberant, noisy kiss on the nose, she set it carefully back on her night table and bolted for the door.
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"ELLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
The slightly tipsy little nurse looked up at this frantic wail that sounded a little like her name from the right angle, and recoiled with a startled yelp at the sight of a blonde denim-clad comet hurtling across the bar towards her.
"Sakura!" she wailed as the farmer came to a screeching halt in front of her barstool. "You almost made me drop my…" She peered down at the vibrantly orangey liquid in her glass, and then looked up at Doug. "What did you call this again?"
"Harvey Wallbanger," he replied mildly.
"Yeah! My Harvey Wallbanger!" Elli continued, nothing daunted. Then she sighed and draped one arm over Sakura's shoulders. "Don't ever, ever try a Rusty Nail. It's horrible, horrible, horrible."
"Right," Sakura agreed nervously, putting Elli back up on her stool as the brunette began to slide off and into her arms. "Hey, Elli, I'm looking for a present for someone special, and—"
"Ooh, who is he?" Elli squealed with far less restraint than a typically alcohol-free bloodstream might have let her.
"Um, just a guy," Sakura replied quickly, eyes shifting nervously about. "Anyway, my cooking's still not great, and he's not really into…stuff that isn't food. I was thinking some Bodigizers might be nice, and then I could restock my supply at the same time, and I was wondering if you had any on you right now."
She fell silent, drawing back slightly at the delighted, devious glint that filled her friend's eyes.
"I can do way better than Bodigizers," Elli announced wickedly, reaching for the hem of her skirt and drawing it upwards. "Just take a look at this…"
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By this time, very little had changed in the lives of The Guys, who were all remaining quite firmly fixed in their pattern of moping, and then moping some more.
Although Rick had, around the ten-minute mark, attempted to rally his friends (and Kai) to find their women and stop this Sakura-obsession in the most direct way possible, the five young men, Rick included, had found themselves seemingly unable to move from the room.
"But it's so comfy here!" Kai would whine later when asked.
"Yeah, for you," Rick would mutter resentfully, recalling the sight of Cliff, Gray, and Kai lounging comfortably on their respective beds, far happier about it in his memory than they had actually been, while he and the doctor were forced to endure uncomfortable chairs or the back pain inherent in two hours of continuous pacing.
Back in the present, Kai lifted his head and listened very carefully.
"Hey; what do you think that was?" he muttered to Gray.
Gray blinked.
"What do I think what was?"
"That noise. It sounded like either a ferret being used for dental floss, or Sakura getting really excited about something."
Cliff, overhearing, sat bolt upright.
"Sakura?" he echoed. "Sakura's here?"
Rick came to a dead halt in his rather half-hearted pacing, and wheeled about.
"What? She is?"
"Sounds like it," Kai said with a frown of concentration, listening closer.
The doctor, as well, was leaning down close to the floor, forehead wrinkling slightly.
"And is that..." He paused, his ear almost brushing the floorboards, and then sat bolt upright. "I think that's Elli!"
"Huh...yeah," Rick agreed, by this point also nearly doubled over to more easily listen to the floor. "Did she say she was going to be here tonight?"
"Not that I can recall," Tim replied, reflecting with a fond inward chuckle that maybe the Clinic's continuing excruciatingly slow period was good for something, if it was giving his assistant a chance to relax and let her hair down.
Although, it was a little odd; most of the time, she'd spend her free hours reading all his books in the recliner she thought he hadn't noticed her sneaking upstairs. What had convinced her to take up drinking so suddenly?
And at that moment, a strange, although hardly unprecedented, thing happened. As a shred of worry began to creep through the doctor's mind that the stress Elli had been under lately was leading her into potentially destructive hobbies, his mustache twitched slightly.
Then it twitched again.
And again, and again, until it had become nearly a constant motion. Then, as it sprouted out several more inches, Tim's eyes narrowed.
"Who is she here to see?" he demanded of no one in particular, already to his feet and bolting for the door.
Rick, bewildered, stared after him for a long moment, before turning slowly to the other three young men.
"Hey, you guys think we should go after him before he hurts someone?"
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"Uh...what are they?" Sakura asked hesitantly, peering closely at the little bundles of rose-pink leaves clipped in several neat little rows to Elli's petticoat.
"Elli Leaves," that same Elli replied immediately. "Their real name is The Elixer of Life, but no one else in town will call them that," she finished, pouting.
"Uh, kay," Sakura said after a long moment. "Do you have any Bodigizers? I really like those..."
"I just told you, these are better than Bodigizers! They're like a Bodigizer XL and a Turbojolt XL all rolled into a convenient leafy package!"
Sakura nodded, impressed.
"Hey, that's pretty good. You should use that in the marketing campaign."
"I am," Elli informed her seriously.
Meanwhile, the blonde's expression had grown disbelievingly joyous.
"Wait a second; they're like Bodigizers, but better?"
"Of course! They're Elli Leaves!"
Sakura stared adoringly at the leaves strapped to her friend's petticoat, and reached out a trembling hand to reverently touch such a wonder.
Closer...closer...until, as her fingers were about to brush the rosy pink leaves, she found herself groping rather foolishly at air, and Elli's startled, indignant shriek filled the room.
"Doctor! What are you doing?" Elli demanded with as much sternness as she could possibly muster while being thrown bodily over her boss's shoulder, wrists and ankles bound by either side of his mustache, staring dazedly at his backside.
Tim, who had entered the main room of the inn to the rather curious sight of Elli proudly holding up her skirt for a drooling little farmer girl to observe what lay beneath, as well as the aforementioned farmer girl very clearly intending to perform a few closer observations, glared at nothing in particular, as Elli was over his shoulder, and thus rather difficult to glare at.
"What am I doing?" he repeated. "I'm not the one flashing strangers in public!"
"Um, actually..." Elli began dizzily before Sakura broke in.
"Geez, do you mind!" the blonde fumed. "We are trying to perform a drug deal over here!"
"Sakura!" Elli exclaimed indignantly, tearing her eyes with some difficulty from the doctor's bottom. "The Elli Leaves are not drugs! They're a completely natural supplement with miraculous effects on stamina and mood!"
"Stop trying to change the subject!" the doctor barked as he swung her back down and pinned her against the wall, hands at her shoulders. "We were talking about your dalliance with the farmer!"
Elli blinked.
"We were?"
Sakura scratched her head.
"Oh, don't think I didn't notice you lifting up your skirt for her! Perhaps I haven't made my intentions clear enough. Well, consider this your notice: from here on out, if you feel the need to lift your skirts, it will be to me and only to me! And as for your doubtlessly numerous other playmates," he added with a sinister chuckle, prompting Doug to direct a quick phone call to the Clinic to see if, by any chance, they were dealing with another Evil Clone situation, "either keep your wandering eye in check from here on out, or be prepared to see the objects of your affection disappear without a trace. Painfully."
The brunette stared, bewildered. Something was wrong. Maybe the mustache was responsible for this sudden burst of unexpected melodrama villainy, but oh, it was awfully hard to think when the doctor used his Angry Voice. Not to mention, pinned her against things like this. And glared. His eyes looked fantastic all narrowed and evil. She wondered briefly how he might look holding a whip.
"I-I understand, Doctor," she murmured, eyes downcast. "Now, why don't we go home, before my wandering eye succumbs to further temptation?"
"Uh, hey, wait a second," Rick called hesitantly from the bottom of the stairs, where he and three other startled young men had been watching this exchange in uncharacteristic silence. "We kind of need him!"
Heedless of the chicken farmer's pleas, Elli caught Tim by the back of his labcoat and bolted for the door.
"I don't know what I did," Tim reflected aloud as he flapped merrily in the breeze behind her, "but I think I'd like to do it again."
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End Notes: Hee! I've been looking forward to this chapter. I don't know why, but the idea of Elli getting totally turned on by Evil!Doctor (or Dr. Evil...) is just incredibly funny to me. XD
And I know that I've just totally, totally revealed who Sakura's love interest is a bit early, but it was worth it to get to throw in the Elli Leaves thing.
Okay, so I'm a sad little Elli fangirl:P