"Situation McGee? What sort of situation?" Gibbs' stern voice radiated through the phone. Only a sentence into the conversation and he was pissed off. Not that he expected anything else from Gibbs.
Shit! How the hell am I supposed to explain this one? 'Two of your agents are about to get it on in the interrogation room you locked them in?' Not if I want to keep my job! "Ah well boss, it's kinda hard to explain, Abby and I only took our eyes off them for a second."
"Put Abby on."
Tim extended a shaky hand to Abby who hesitantly took the phone. "Hello?" She asked wearily, as if she didn't know who was on the other end. "Oh, Gibbs! Hi Boss-Man, nice to speak t…."
"What's going on Abby?"
Against her better judgment she peered beyond the glass again. "Whoa! Something kinky!"
"You mean Hinky?"
"Uh, not this time Gibbs. There's some pretty hot foreplay going on here." She corrected her boss with maybe, more details than he should have been told. "Gibbs? Boss-Man, you there? No? Ok! He hung up. Maybe we should warn them?"
"About what?"
"McGee, where do you think Gibbs is headed?
"Oh yeah, maybe we should." McGee mused. "You should tell them."
"Me! Why me?"
"They can't stay mad at you for any longer than a day Abs, for me, it's more like a month, or three."
"McGee!"
"Abby, for me?" He asked, smiling his best boy scout smile at her.
"Fine! But you owe me big-time Timmy! Big-big-time."
Abby reluctantly reached out for the intercom speaker, pressed down very slowly, "Man, I am so dead for this. Uh, guys. Tony? Kate? Hello, there goes a shirt! This is not good! Hey! Is anyone listening to me!" She looked over at the volume button and turned it up as loud as possible. Abby hated being ignored, so naturally one way or another, she make sure she got their attention. "Oi! You pair, if you value your jobs, I'd stop getting' freaky 'cos the Grinch is on his way, and he won't like all this Christmas celebration."
Abby let go of the button and sunk back into the make-shift lounge. "Have they stopped yet McGee?"
"Uh, kind of." He replied, leering into the glass.
"Ok. Care to elaborate?"
"Not really, no."
Abby rolled her eyes and got back up and walked over to the glass mirror. The clothes had made their way back on to their respective owner, thank god, but they were still kissing eagerly. The ninth circle of hell would have been reserved for those pair if Gibbs walked in on anything.
"McGee, Tony and Kate are officially up shit creek and have no paddle. I feel sorry for them already."
"Yeah, me too. What do you think Gibbs'll do to them?"
"DiNozzo! What the hell are you doing?"
"Uh, it's not what it looks like Boss!" He stuttered, taking his lips away from their glued posture on Kate's neck, and backing away, making his move slowly around the table keeping a close eye on his superior, knowing he shouldn't make any sudden movements. This was not good! He felt like a zebra on the run from a pride of hungry lions.
"Yeah? That a fact?" Gibbs sounded calm.
Calm? In a situation like this? This just screams 'bloody murder'. "Yes boss, it's all a misunderstanding. Kate, she had ice-cream stuck on her neck; I was just cleaning it up for her!"
"Ice cream DiNozzo? I don't see any around here? Do you Agent Todd?"
Whoops. Damn my thing for ice-cream on a woman's body. You knew this would come back to bite you in the ass someday. And now you've dragged Kate into it too. This is so NOT how it was supposed to go down DiNozzo. Way to screw up, again.
Kate just bit her lip, shook her head and sat still on the table. Now wouldn't be the wisest time to talk back, disagree, argue or speak.
"Oh, did I say Ice-Cream?" Tony asked and smiled his 100 watt smile at Gibbs. It was a vein gesture, and he knew he couldn't smile his way out of this one. But trying never hurt anyone. "Silly me, I meant she had an olive stuck on her neck. You know, from the pizza you so kindly brought us. An olive boss, I swear! An olive." But obviously that 'anyone' hadn't met Gibbs. Until Tony.
"Are you sure DiNozzo? Cos you know I hate liars."
"Of course Boss! I'd never lie to you. You're so scary when you get mad."
Gibbs sighed and rested his shoulders against the wall. "Ok, DiNozzo. So explain to me how Kate got an olive on her neck, WHEN THERE WEREN'T ANY DAMN OLIVES ON THE DAMNED PIZZA."
"Oh fuck!" Tony whimpered. There was only one thing one could do in this situation. He leant into Kate's ear from behind her and whispered, "If I die today, there's a letter for you in the bottom draw of my desk." Tony gave her a quick peck on the cheek and did that one that he could only think of. And that was run.
And run he did, closely followed by Gibbs, then Kate, then Abby and McGee. Straight out the door, down the corridor, almost flattening another Agent in the process, into the bullpen, extracting some very strange looks from every other single person there.
"DiNozzo! Don't you dare run away from me!" Tony heard Gibbs growl from behind him. Man, this was really bad.
Muttering many words of insanity to himself, he set off again, turning left towards the stairs; he'd loose Gibbs on the stairs for sure. Tony took the stairs at least 3 at a time. He reached the top and peered over the ledge to find Gibbs almost right behind him. Damn that man and his Marine training! It was too risky to attempt to take to the roof. And if he went there, today would definitely end in his demise. Either he would take his chances and try to jump off the roof onto another, only to be caught in time by Gibbs who would later skin him alive. Or he could just save himself the trouble and escort himself down into autopsy, bind himself to one of Duckys' tables, with a little help from Palmer, and allow Gibbs to skin him alive.
Instead, Tony opted for a safer solution, which would grant him maybe an extra hour, and headed towards the one person who could talk to Gibbs without ending the day with a fatality. So far anyway.
Slamming the door behind him, he turned to the receptionist. "Hey Cynthia. Is the director in? Great thanks!"
The woman stood up to object, but it was too late. Tony burst through the second set of doors, and locked them. He was petrified of what was behind those doors he'd just locked.
"Agent DiNozzo? Ever heard of knocking?"
"Sorry 'bout the interruption Ma'am. You're my last lifeline. I thought about jumping off the roof. But you we're a safe and quicker bet." He apologized as he walked behind her desk and pulled her chair out from underneath its desk, pulling the Director along with it. "I just really need to hide under your desk for the rest of my life. Great! I knew you'd understand. I love you."
Tony groaned when he heard an impossibly loud bang at the door. He quickly fell down on his hands and knees and crawled underneath the desk.
"DiNozzo. I know you're in there. You can run, but you can't hide." Came Gibbs' booming voice from the other room. Tony could almost feel the vibrations through the floor.
"Jethro. What's going on?" The director shouted through the door.
"I plan on castrating Agent DiNozzo, without any sedative."
Tony whimpered, shuddering at just the thought. "Ma'am, sorry Madame Director, I don't wanna lose my manly bits. You gotta help me." Tony said, popping his head up from under the desk with a look of utter desperation on his face, "I happen to be emotionally attached to my manly bits, Gibbs!" He yelled out.
"I warned you about mucking about with other Agents after last time DiNozzo, and the time before that, and ironically, the time before that too! You remember Agent Laura Simmons, she quit after you couldn't keep your mouth shut about you're 'happenings', then I believe it was Agent Samantha Cooper, a bit of communication problems there huh Tony? I don't think a woman appreciates thinking she's in an exclusive relationship with a man who obviously isn't capable anything more than an open relationship. Oh yeah, next was Paula Cassidy. Never did peg you as the discrete type. Guess I was right, 'cos you brought her back to the place in Gitmo. You made her climb through the window. Now, that was classy."
"Gibbs! That was not my idea. She just turned up! I swear on my life." Which is pointless, 'cos it's about to end
"Bullshit! It was your fault just as much as it was hers. And now you're fraternizing with Agent Todd!"
"Yeah, this is coming from a man with 3 ex-wives and a boat in his basement. Which by the way I don't know how you plan on getting out."
Tony looked around the room for the Director, who was shaking her head violently. Mentioning Gibbs' army of ex-wives was a worse idea than the whole ice-cream/olive thing. "That was a real bad idea wasn't it?"
It was quiet on the other side of the door. A little too quite perhaps.
"Jen let me in."
"Only if you promise not to harm Agent DiNozzo."
"Not gonna make you promise I can't keep, Jen."
"Well then you're not coming in."
Once again, there was slience. Then the dreaded sound of a key working in the lock from the outside. Poor Cynthia. Gibbs probably swore death threats unless she got him the set of keys for the door. As soon as he heard an all too familiar 'click', Tony instantly ducked back under the desk and crawled into a most uncomfortable position. It probably wasn't the smartest of positions to get into, seeing as he had what felt like 50 broken ribs. Running up the stairs at a rapid pace didn't really help either. This was shaping up to be a very bad day.
It started out bad, being locked in an interrogation room with a woman who was just about ready to kill you in the most torturous ways. After the whole 'thrusting-of-the-table-into-my-chest' fiasco, things picked up. Literally. Then there was the whole Boss interrupting-what-would-have-been-great-sex thing. Damn that man!
The door swung wide open and hit the wall behind it with a giant thud. Gibbs walked into the room, closely followed by Kate, attached to Abbys' arm, both looking just about as white as a ghost. Then there was McGee, the newest member of the team, who looked more petrified than Tony felt as he tried to calm Cynthia down from her hysteric state, stealing quick glances into the next room, hoping to get a grasp on what was panning out without his presence.
Gibbs surveyed the room intently. There was a Director present, but suspiciously no Tony in sight. "DiNozzo, come out, come out wherever you are." Gibbs cooed. No response. Just the silent prayers that the man would suffer some sudden paralysis of any limb that could harm him. "DiNozzo, if you don't get out from under the Directors' desk within the next 30 seconds, I'll have security drag you out for good."
Ah well, I've had a good life. It's been lots of fun knowing you world. Slowly and painfully, Tony crawled back out into the big scary world beyond the shelter of the Directors' desk. He looked over at the opposite side of the room where he could clearly see Gibbs resting on the lounger next to the Director, like he said he would be, if Tony agreed to come out. He could hear McGee trying to calm what he presumed to be Cynthia in the next room. Kate and Abby were standing by the door, still looking as pale as he felt that fateful moment when Gibbs walked into 'lockdown'. Seeing Gibbs angry like this was definitely not on his list of things to do today.
"Oh, hi-ya Boss. You're looking mighty tense tod…."
"DiNozzo, shut the hell up."
"Yes Sir."
Gibbs winced at the word. He hated being called Sir'. No one exactly knew why. It was just one of those trademark Gibbs things. Like the head-slaps, death threats, tempers whenever he didn't get his way during a case, and the gut feelings. But he'd let the comment slide today. He had other things to worry about than a slip of the tongue.
"Is someone gonna tell me what in the devils name is going on here?" The director asked, turning her attention between the two men.
"Well, earlier on today, I locked Agents Todd and DiNozzo here in an old interrogation room."
"Ok, why?"
"Because I could Jen." He replied sarcastically. Though with Gibbs, you never could tell.
Judging by the look on her face, the Director was less than impressed. "Jethro, just because two people are pissing you off doesn't mean you can put them in solitary confinement."
"Ok then, how about; I was sick of the constant bickering, fighting and snide remarks. It was starting to affect their work. They weren't able to work together without it turning into a world class pissing match. Not to mention the constant vying for my attention. So I locked them in there and told them they weren't coming out until the shit was all sorted out."
"Ok, ok. What happened after that?"
"Well, after a while I brought them in some supplies, pizza, water, blankets and pillows. DiNozzo complained of needing some sort of medical attention, and then I left."
"What do you mean by 'medical attention'."
"Meaning I kinda might have broken some of Tony's ribs." Came Kate's weak voice from over by the door. "Well, he was annoying me. Doing that tappy thing with his hands like he does when he's bored. And when he wouldn't stop, I kinda pushed the table into his chest."
"Right. What's next?"
"I called Agent Gibbs to inform him that we had a kind of uh, situation, between Agents DiNozzo and Todd." McGee said, only just joining in the conversation.
"And by 'situation' we mean something kinky."
"Abby!"
"Well, Kate, it kinda was."
The entire room basically rolled their eyes. It was typical of Abby to find something humorous in even the worst of predicaments.
"Anyway, when I walked in, I found DiNozzo insisting he was only and I quote 'removing the Ice-Cream from Agent Todd's neck'."
The Director looked over at Tony. "Ice-Cream?"
"It's a long story, don't ask." He replied.
"After pointing out to our resident genius here, that there was no Ice-Cream in the room, he then claimed to be removing an also non-existent olive from her neck."
"Well, there's one there now." Tim said, referring to the enormous hickey Tony had left brewing on the side of Kate's neck.
"McGee! That was so inappropriate. Whose side are you on anyway? Are you trying to get them fired?" Abby hissed, swatting him forcefully on the arm. "Really! Sometimes I seriously worry about your loyalty. Unbelievable!"
"Next thing DiNozzo ran to you. And that brings us to here." Gibbs finished. "You got any coffee in here Jen?"
"No I don't. Let me get this, so far we've got Gibbs unlawfully imprisoning two Federal Agents. One of those Agents causing Bodily Harm towards the other one. Those same two Agents 'fraternizing' with each other. Then later being caught out. Which is when DiNozzo tried to sweet talk his way out of trouble, and castration? And when that backfired, he runs to the one person who isn't scared of Gibbs. That sound about right?"
The team nodded confirmation.
"Should we tell them about the bet?" McGee whispered to Abby.
"What is wrong with you today Timmy? Of course we don't tell them about the bet. Did you eat dumb-beans today or something?"
"Something you pair want to add?" Gibbs asked, noting the suspicious looking conversation between the two.
"No boss-man. Timmy was just expressing his interest in my new tattoo."
"I was?" He asked Abby, only to be given a sharp and subtle elbow in the stomach. "I mean, yes I was."
"Ok, so what do you pair have to say for yourselves? It's not exactly the behaviour we expect from our Senior Agents."
"I'm not going to apologize for what we did, Madame Director…" Kate replied. "Well except for the whole breaking Tony's rib-cage thing."
"Me neither." Agreed Tony. "Gibbs you honestly didn't think something like that wasn't going to happen if you locked Kate and I in a room together, did you?"
"Well, I figured something would happen, just not……that." He said, waving a finger between the two. "I kinda counted on you being smart enough no to do anything remotely obscene while in the presence of a recording camera."
Kate and Tony exchanged worried glances. They knew Abby would have the tape making duplicates by now. For future blackmail purposes of course.
"Agents Todd, DiNozzo. If you plan on continuing a relationship, you've got a month's trial staying on the same team. If this affects your work in ANY way, one of you will either be asked to put in a transfer to another team, or out of NCIS and into another bureaucracy. Are we understood?"
"Crystal clear Ma'am. Sorry Madame Director."
"Kate?"
"Yes Director."
"And Gibbs, there will be no more unlawful imprisonment of any team members, or anyone for that matter, no more death threats to innocent receptionists, which by the way, you WILL apologize for before you get back to work. And last of all, you will not castrate Agent DiNozzo. He'll get 'the snip' of his own accord, and preferably by a competent gynaecologist. Savvy?"
"Yeah, ok Jen." He replied as he got up and made his way back down to the bullpen. But not before apologizing to Cynthia as promised. There was even a 'sorry' heard.
"Alright, you lot can go. Dismissed." Jen said as she headed back off to her desk. Tony, being the gentleman that he was, held the chair out for her as she sat down, and then gently pushing her towards the desk. "Thank-you, Director. I'd be a corpse right about now if it weren't for you."
"Just don't blow it DiNozzo, or you might just end up a corpse yet. And go get Ducky to check out those ribs of yours."
He nodded and yelled another thank-you the Directors' way as he left.
"Hey Abby, wait up."
"Yeah Tony?"
"So who won this bet?"
"Me, who else?"
"Uh, McGee."
"Nah, I think he had dumb-beans for breakfast."