So that miserable asshole is me, huh? I've read Kiritsugu's journal cover to cover 3 times now. So much to take in… So much to understand… That fire was Kiritsugu. That hell. And for what? He lost his wife, his daughter. His humanity, almost. His idea of being a hero, just meant killing. And that guy, that edgy jackass, that's what happens if I try to be like Kiritsugu. That's not the kind of hero I want to be. I've said I want to save everyone, but that seems inevitably to lead to compromise. So what? What do I do? I can't be Kiritsugu. I can't be Archer. I can only be me. I can't save everyone. I can only save the people I can save, can only protect those close to me. Is that enough? I don't know. I want it to be, but I still want to do more. Kiritsugu and Archer didn't know their limits, or pretended they had none. What are mine?
My mental tangent is cut off as I reach the door. "Hiiiii, Sakura, fancy seeing you here!" I laugh nervously, I know she heard what I was saying.
"Senpai, I came to check on you. Are you sick?" She looks genuinely worried, so I feel even worse having to lie to her.
"Ah, no, I forgot to call. Some guests from out of town unexpectedly came by yesterday, so I'm playing host for a couple days." As I say that, Gareth appears behind me, changed into yet another outfit, a sleeveless white blouse and blue jeans. She adds to the story without missing a beat.
"Cousin Shirou, dad was suggesting we go shopping for ingredients while he finishes cleaning up."
Sakura pauses for a moment, and then resumes questioning. She seems pushier than usual. "During school, Shirou? That seems rather irresponsible. And frankly quite rude of them to show up unannounced."
She's really in a mood, I don't know what's gotten into her, but I can still get out of this. "Ah, no, not unannounced. It was my fault, a miscommunication on my end. I'm ahead on my studies, and I should take responsibility for my mistake." I think I've finally got her. "You'd better head back, Sakura. Lunch is about over, isn't it?" Checkmate. Her face flushes red at mention of the time.
"Ah, yes, of course. I'll see you tonight, senpai, we can prepare your favorite together!" She jogs off after giving a wave. Once she's gone, Gareth taps my shoulder.
"With all due respect, Master, she is most definitely in love with you." I grumble and head out the door without saying anything.
It's a short walk to the market, so I mostly just zone out as we walk, or at least, I try to.
"Shirou." Gareth calls my name insistently. "Master, I'd like to offer some advice."
I nod silently, still half lost in thought. She's staring at me with this serious expression, but her face still reminds me of a puppy, almost like her version of 'stern' is more just begging me to listen.
"You should ask that girl on a date."
I sputter, suddenly snapped back by her saying something so ridiculous in such a matter-of-fact way. "I, you, whaaa–"
"You heard me. Trust me, in life I had one love, it's not something you want to let pass you by. If you lose something like that, it's gone for good." Her face goes dark as she says this, and I sense that arguing may be dangerous at this point. "I'll see what I can do." I give a noncommittal nod as I say this.
We walk silently to the market, both thinking deeply. She may have a point about Sakura, but at the same time I wonder if it would be right. Not just because of my now-suspended friendship with Shinji, but because she already has so much going on in her life. It would be selfish to ask anything of her, let alone to ask for a relationship…
As these thoughts consume me, our quest to find dinner ingredients progresses smoothly, and before long I've found everything we need for tonight's meal. I ask Gareth about her preferences, but she's not particularly familiar with modern or Japanese food. I wonder if I should make Sakura's favorite dessert, she'd appreciate that. I'll need some more ingredients though.
As I turn around, everything seems to slow to a crawl. Time stops. A flash of white fills my view. Two brilliant gems of red. I've never seen her before, but I know, without doubt. It's her.
"I've been looking all over for you, Onii-chan!" She smiles, the smile of a little girl, yes, but behind that smile… something cruel. I can't let my guard down with her. Nonetheless, my voice betrays my shock as I greet her. I was certainly not expecting to meet my sister today. Her musical voice hits my ears once more.
"Would you walk with me, Onii-chan? I've been trying to find you all day." Gareth has tensed at my side, likely even more aware of the danger than I am. But, as dangerous as I feel she is, all I can think about…
This is my sister. A sister I never knew, never saw. A sister who lost her mother, her father, to some senseless battle. She might even lose her life. What kind of brother would leave her?
I find myself nodding, walking alongside this strange girl as thoughts weigh upon me. She twirls through the market gracefully, seemingly carefree. I can't imagine that's true however. After all she's lost, how could she possibly be?We come to an empty park, and as she turns to face me, sadness overwhelms me. I realize something, Kiritsugu drove himself to death trying to save this girl, failing for years, and now here she stands as though she's been here forever. Tears roll down my face before I can even speak. Without thinking, I drop to my knees to reach eye level with her, and reach out to embrace her, to reunite the family she should have had. My eyes meet hers, and I see… anger? She's angry that I'm trying to hug her?
"I guess you've figured out that I'm going to kill you, Onii-chan. I suppose it's obvious. Kiritsugu abandoned me, replaced me with you, of course I'd want to kill you. I didn't expect you to jump right to begging for your life, though." Her demeanor has switched in an instant, becoming as cold as the snow falling from the sky. Abandoned? Replaced? Does she truly think she meant nothing to Kiritsugu?
"Illya, I—" I want to explain, to tell her everything I've read in that journal. That Kiritsugu thought of her every single day, wanted nothing more than to bring her home. She cuts me off before I find the words.
"I'm surprised you even know my name." Her voice is filled with cold hate, but for just a moment I hear the tremble of sadness. A scared, lonely girl stands in front of me, propped up only by her conviction, her absolute faith in no one but herself. I see the same feelings I've seen on Sakura's face so often, that I've always been too afraid to push her on. Suddenly I understand. No hero would let the people most important to him suffer, not for any reason.
"Illya! Kiritsugu never abandoned you, never gave up on you, and neither will I!" I slam my fist on the ground, still crying, and I'm almost angry as I say this, hurt that she could be so unaware of everything she meant to him. But so was I. I knew nothing about this life of his until just a few days ago, and I lived with the man. It's not Illya's fault, it's barely even Kiritsugu's. There's no point in assigning blame here, only moving forward.
Her cold demeanor doesn't drop. She turns and begins to walk away as the day begins to fade, looking over her shoulder once more and sighing.
"There's no point in talking about this, really. Not now that the Grail War has started. If you really want a happy family I guess you could just wish for it." She starts to walk off, and I chase after her, but as I round the corner she vanishes as quickly as she appeared, her white hair fading into the snow.