Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews--it's great to hear what you think. :)
A/N2: This is updated to correct the mistake in April's age. Thanks for catching it. She is 15 in this story, not 12.
At five o'clock that day Luke was sitting in his truck across the street from the coffee shop. After what, to him, felt like an eternity, he finally saw her walking down the street and into the shop. He glanced at his watch—5:12. He actually found the fact that she was still dependably late very comforting.
Biting his lip and shifting nervously in his seat he realized he had no idea what he should do next. He was here. He was so close. But honestly, what did he think was going to happen? After two years of running from him he could just follow her into the store, pay for her coffee, and she'd throw herself into his arms and allow him to whisk her all the way back to Stars Hallow? He sighed frustratedly. No, she wouldn't do that. She'd probably run from him. Disappear all over again. Then Sookie would hate him for chasing her away completely. Or, and Luke really couldn't decide whether this or the prior scenario was worse, he would walk in there and she would…well, she would do nothing. No dramatics, no yelling, no tears, no reaction. She'd look right through him, like he was less than just some everyday person she'd cross paths with on the street. He'd be nothing to her. Luke sank down further in the driver's seat. All that crap Bolton had been preaching had gone to his head. Who was he kidding though? He couldn't do this. He had sealed himself off for a reason, he needed that in order to survive.
He jumped a little as he felt his cell phone vibrate against his side. Reaching down he tilted it so he could see the caller id and when he recognized the number he felt his heart skip a little. He couldn't help it, it happened every time he saw that number call him, every time he saw it was her wanting to talk to him. His eyes remained trained on the window across the street, on the brown hair bobbing up and down with laughter at the shop's counter, like some sort of bobble head doll almost, as he picked up the phone.
"Hey, April…How are ya?…Good, good…yeah, really?…uh-huh…uh-huh…yeah, sure…" secretly, these were his favorite kind of conversations with her—the ones where she just rattled on and on about something he could barely follow. Not just because it amazed him at how intelligent she was, not because it allowed him to just be able to hear her voice runin that unhampered, unhindered honest way of hers while she was being just who she was, no games, no fronts involved. Oh, it was all of that sure, but it was mostly the fact that she wanted to talk to him, to make contact with him, to involve him, she wanted it so much that she felt the need to ramble at a hundred miles an hour like she was afraid of not getting it all in. She'd included details of details of details of the most insignificant things because she wanted him to know, to understand, to be a part of that aspect of her life. And to Luke, there was nothing insignificant about that. As his eyes continued to trace the wavy brown hair through the window he knew April wasn't the only person he'd ever felt like that about.
"Oh you did stop by?" he questioned her. "Oh, gosh I'm sorry I didn't know you were coming—did I?…Okay, good…yeah I am, I'm, uh, I'm fishing…" he hated lying to her but if Anna heard what he was up to she'd probably never let April come by again. She was already weary of him and his "state" as she called it. She had limited April's contact with him that first year after she left calling him "crazed" and "obsessed" and he hadn't seen her at all during his "hermit months" as Sookie had called them. It had taken him a long time to prove to Anna that he could handle being around people, taking care of people, that he wasn't suicidal. He didn't see April a lot yet, but he saw her often enough and talked to her almost daily. He didn't blame Anna for being so protective and a part of him was even glad. It took everything he had to present himself as happy and, well, normal around April. It took a lot to act like the world was still spinning on when inside it had long since fallen apart. He could only handle such a performance for short stints.
"Yeah, yeah…I may be out of reach for a few days while I'm fishing…" he winced over the last word but he knew it was for the best. "Right, cell towers and all…sure you explained the wavelengths to me last week…I did read the website about it…yeah it definitely helped…alright…uh-huh…well good luck with the astronomy paper then…I'll call you when I get back…okay…bye, April."
Luke gazed at the phone in his hand and then back at the woman in the coffee shop window. He had a daughter. He had a little girl who would be sitting by the phone waiting for his call in a few days because after all these years she finally had a father. He couldn't let his world go to pieces again. He couldn't lose control of himself again. He had to be there for his daughter. You have to put your children first. Even when that means you have to sacrifice a part of yourself. You have to. That was part of being a parent. In the back of his mind the idea that that exact philosophy was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place played like a broken record, but the rest of his mind overrode it. April first. That was the right decision. It had to be. If the situation were reversed wouldn't Rory be put first? Of course she would. Of course. And rightly so.
Luke stuck the key in the ignition. He had to grow up. He had to be parent now. He couldn't lose his daughter, he just couldn't. She hadn't asked to be thrown into the world of his drama. She had an astronomy paper to worry about, a boy in her math class she had a crush on, and a best friend who she might be in a fight with because of something someone said they had heard from someone else's brother's best friend. She wasfifteen and she had all that to worry about. And that was all she should have to worry about. A suicidal father should never make that list. He couldn't put himself in a position that could land him back in that mind set. He started the truck and pulled out into traffic, breaking softly at the light on the corner that had just turned red. He didn't let himself look in the review mirror. If he did he might never be able to drive away. This was for the best. He had seen her once more. She was alive and she was…well he couldn't have said that she was happy, not truly anyway, and she wasn't herself, not the self he had once known anyway, but she was functioning, she was getting by, she was okay, and at this point he thought that was all either of them could ask. Who was he to go barging in the life she had built for herself anyway and turn it upside down? They had both gotten to a point where they could survive, why wreck that?
The light turned green and he began to accelerate down the street, braking slightly to allow a car to merge into his lane. He glanced at the digital clock on his car radio and began calculating how long it would take him to Hartford. He could probably grab some dinner there before heading back to Stars Hallow. Heck, maybe he could even get a hotel room or something in Hartford, just to give him a chance to breathe a bit before he had to go back and answer questions about where he had been. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he barely took notice of the car that had pulled in front of him until they were stopped at the next light. He probably wouldn't have noticed had it not been for the blaring music streaming from the windows. Some rock group from the 80s, although he couldn't pinpoint exactly who. 'Punk kid,' Luke assumed as he stared at their New York license plate. It wasn't until the light turned green again that he took in the car as a whole, causing him to momentarily forget where the accelerator was. It was a blue sports car, clear as day, and Luke knew exactly where he had seen it before.
He felt himself glance almost instinctively at his jeans pocket. He had asked for luck, and he wasn't sure if this qualified as such, but it was sure as heck something. He was steering his truck after her before he even knew what he was doing. His first thought was to be startled that she hadn't bolted away from him. Upon reflection though, as he struggled to return his heart rate to normal, he highly doubted she would put two and two together like that. For starters she felt she was completely safe from him here, he would be the last person she would be looking for. Secondly, he had gotten a new truck in the last two years…it was similar enough that he hardly considered it 'new' but at the same time it was different enough that for someone that hadn't seen him in two years it probably wasn't screaming 'Luke!' And, most importantly, as he watched her head bounce along to the music and its horrible beat he knew she was too distracted to give the car behind her more than a quick, haphazard glance.
Luke was torn. His body and his mind were on two completely different tracks because while his mind had just made a very rational decision regarding April and all the reasons he should, no, all the reasons he had to return immediately to Stars Hallow, his body was following that blue sports car like there was some sort of unbreakable gravitational pull attached to it. Luke saw her flip on her left turn signal and knew she was headed toward her new place. He also knew that he had to go right to get to Hartford and just like that Mr. I-Need-Time-to-Think-Things-Through found himself with seconds to make what he was sure was probably going to be the most influential decision of his life.
"Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life -- a promotion at work, a successful refinancing -- who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?"
"Damnit!" he heard himself curse as he spun the wheel left and watched the Hartford mile marker disappear in his rearview mirror. When he couldn't see the sign anymore he focused on the only thing he could, the only thing he had left—that damned blue sports car and it's crazy Siren of a driver. He knew this was by far the most irrational thing he had ever done, he knew he may have just sacrificed everything he had left in his shell of a life in one split second decision. He also knew if he had to do it again the out come would be the same. After all this time, after everything that had happened, Luke could still only see one damn face.
They weaved through the various twists and turns of residential streets until the blue sports car finally came to a stop in front of a tall apartment building on the corner. Glancing up Luke would have guessed it to be about twenty or so stories tall—not huge but more than twice the size anything Stars Hallow had to offer. He parked his truck against the curb as well about four cars behind hers.
He was out of his car before he knew what he was doing and as he saw her driver's side door open and one black high heeled shoe step out onto the parkway grass he felt his breath catch at the thought of after two long years finally just being on the same patch of land as her. 'What the hell am I doing?' rang through his mind only once as he closed the distance between them since he was doing a pretty good job of keeping his brain on off—otherwise he knew he would never be able to make his feet move forward. Distractedly still humming the annoying song that had been blaring out the car window before she never heard him coming. Luke didn't understand how that could be—he had heard jets land quieter than his body was behaving right now. If there was any leaf, twig, or stick on the grass that might make a crunch his feet seemed to find it, his heart pounded so loudly in his ears he wondered if he would be able to hear her if she did happen to speak to him, and his breathing came out in shaky pants. His whole body tingled, his limbs were numb, and there were shivers running up and down his spine. She was just a few feet away from him and he wondered if he'd be able to keep it together long enough to close even that distance. Maybe this was too much for him. This was everything right here. It wasn't just some guy going after some girl. It wasn't just some scripted soap opera drama. This was everything. This was his life on the line.
As she shut her car door, her back still to him, she was juggling coffee, paperwork, dry cleaning, and her car keys. He was bending down to pick her things up even before they fell. He knew her that well. All this time and he still knew her. Sure enough, the car keys and the dry cleaning dropped. The papers jostled but she maintained her grip. The coffee never lost a drop. He could have scripted this scene it was so classically her. She was picking up the dry cleaning when she saw his hand grab her keys and offer them back to her. She laughed as she accepted them from his palm on her way to stand up.
"Whew! Haha, thank you. I'm a little…" her body froze as she saw him, her eyes grew wide, almost fearful, he could see her breath halt. "Oh…my…God…" she just barely whispered. All of her strength seemed to be going towards forcing herself to remain standing and therefore her arms lost out, falling limp to her sides, everything she had been balancing dropping to the ground. This time the coffee fell too. As the paperwork swirled about her feet she never moved, her eyes never left his. "Oh God," was all she could force from her lips. "Oh God…"
He willed himself to speak but although his mouth moved no sound came out. Even if it had he wasn't sure of what he could possibly say to her. And so they both stood there, as if trapped in time, her present life lying on the ground at her feet, his future as uncertain as the destination of the air born leaves swirling in the wind, both staring straight into the face of a past they had tried so hard to forget.