Akatsuki Calendar Shoot

Here it is…the chaos that occurs when Akatsuki gets in front of a camera. Thank you everyone who is reading my Akatsuki stories…they are so much fun to write. I know that technically now that Tobi has joined the fun, Sasori shouldn't be around anymore, but I just couldn't get rid of Sasori, after all he has the Pink RAZR , I hope you all don't mind! Enjoy! Much love AkiraDawn

I don't own Naruto or any of it's characters.

Some Background…

For the past two years, Itachi and Deidara have continuously sent headshots of themselves into 'Hottest Faces of Evil' Magazine in hopes of making the cover. They didn't care if they made it together or separately, they just wanted to get on the cover. Well, this was their year…

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Deidara get your ass out here! This is the greatest day of our incredibly sexy young lives!" Deidara came storming out of the bedroom, plowing Sasori over in the hall.

"Itachi! Are they here are the mail order con…I should stop talking, yeah. Sorry I forgot, yeah." Deidara quickly shut up.

"No dumbass! Don't EVER mention THOSE with THEM around!" Itachi hissed. Itachi shook the anger off. "Deidara, listen….to….this! Dear Uchiha-San, we at Hottest Faces of Evil have, upon careful consideration…blah, blah, blah…" Deidara started screaming. "WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME FINISH!" Itachi yelled. Deidara put his hands over his mouth. "We have chosen you and your blonde friend to BE ON THE COVER OF THE AUGUST/SEPTEMBER ISSUE!" Itachi stopped and looked at Deidara with wide eyes. Deidara just stared back. "Now you can scream!" Itachi said….now there were two screaming Akatsuki beauties in the small apartment living room. "Okay, okay, there's more…the magazine wants to feature the rest of our club…shit…organization…in a 12 month calendar because of our accomplishments this year and the fact that you and I are so sexy!" Itachi was beside himself. Deidara started screaming again and threw his arms around Sasori who had just gotten up from being plowed in the hall. Sasori was choking.

"Wait, wait, wait…you mean the rest of us have to go to this calendar thing and suffer because you and Deidara are…well…beautiful?" Kisame asked quite disgruntled.

"Kisame, it will be a good experience for you and everyone else. Besides, Hidan and Sasori are somewhat attractive, you can so hang out with them while me and Deidara get our cover shots taken." Itachi reassured.

"I don't know about this…I mean Kisame and I look like…well…kinda freaky." Zetsu said feeling suddenly self conscious.

"Yeah, my face is swirly, and I don't know if Hollywood is ready for a swirly face. I mean, come on…it's a swirl! I'm not pretty! I'm not desireable! I have nothing compared to you guys!" Tobi was whining.

"All of you quit bitching and start getting ready. We leave tomorrow for out photo session and Deidara and I have to spend the rest of the day getting perfect." Itachi said. He had united with Deidara for once instead of trying to outdo him. And so everyone had begun to pack for the impending photo session. Hidan and Kakuzu were fighting over suitcase space when there was a knock at the door. Deidara was on the phone with Dana in the living room so he was closet to the door.

"Dana, I have to call you back, yeah." He told her and hung up. When he opened the door…he couldn't believe who was standing there. "Oh my god, it's you, yeah." Deidra rolled big blue eyes all over the place.

"Um…is Itachi here? I need to talk to him…although if he isn't here you might do." It was Sasuke…

"Itachi! You're little brother who's small for his age is standing here at the door, yeah. Although, he's actually starting to fill out, what should I do, yeah?" Deidara asked. At that moment an irate Itachi plowed through the hallway and into the living room, sharingan burning like fire.

"What the FUCK are you doing here?" Itachi demanded of him. Itachi was shaking and Deidara had gotten hold of his shoulders to try and calm him down (besides, no one gave a better calming massage than Deidara and everyone in Akatsuki knew that).

"Look…I need to talk to you…or him…or…something." Sasuke was fidgeting. Itachi relaxed but both he and Deidara eyed Sasuke suspiciously.

"Why?" They asked in unison only Deidara added 'yeah'.

"Because…I need some advice…on…girls." Deidara and Itachi looked at one another and then hesitantly let Sasuke into their beloved apartment. Sasori had just come out into the living room to ask how to pack the hats when he noticed Sasuke.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Sasori wanted to know watching Sasuke.

"Oh, we're going to find out." Itachi said arms crossed over his chest.

"Okay, well Itachi, I'll go pack our cleanser, yeah and…" Deidara started to walk away but Itachi yanked him back by the hair.

"You're not going anywhere." Itachi told him. "Okay what do you want to know?" Itachi demanded of Sasuke. Sasuke fidgeted some more.

"Well, it's just that…Orochimaru can't tell me…he's old and hasn't tried it in a while…Kabuto's…well…Orochimaru's bitch and so I can't talk to him and I knew that you…well, have…" Sasuke stopped. Itachi sighed in disgust.

"Will you fucking get to the point so you'll get out of our apartment?" Itachi said anxious to pack for the photo shoot.

"Okay, okay. I need to know how to put a condom on and I need to borrow one." Sasuke said it as quickly as he could. Deidara ad Itachi looked at each other for what felt like a long time…and then came the hysterical laughter.

"Oh god, Oh god, I can't…breathe…yeah." Deidara was choking on his own laughter and then they both quickly shut up. Itachi leaned in close to Sasuke…

"Foolish…little…brother…get your own condoms." Sasuke swallowed hard.

"Could…I as least get a tutorial?" he asked terrified.

"Deidara will give you an incredibly brief tutorial...tomorrow he and I are getting photographed a lot. And you aren't going to do ANYTHING that screws with our packing plans…get it over with and get out." Itachi told. Deidara scowled at Sasuke.

"How old are you, yeah? Can you even get it…"

"Deidara! Shut up, get on with it!" Itachi shouted as he left to resume packing. Deidara rolled his eyes again he wanted to get this over with so he could start sorting through skin care products…