By: Stephanie W. and Jane D.
The Deleted Ending of the 2004 "The Phantom of the Opera" Motion Picture
PHANTOM: (Sung) It's over now that music of the...(Prepares to smash mirror with a candlestick but hesitates) (Spoken) Wait why is it over? Just because that bitch left me I should completely end my life? That bitch isn't worth it. Wait, bitch is too kind for her, she's a son of bitch. (Shouted in the direction of CHRISTINE and RAOUL) Yeah get out of here, you son of bitch I don't want you here anyway.
CHRISTINE: I think he's insulting you.
RAOUL: I'm cool with that let's go, this place is doing horrors to my hair.
PHANTOM: I wasn't talking to him Christine, I was talking to you, you son of a bitch."
CHRISTINE: That son of a bitch! (Jumps out of boat and sloshes way up to the PHANTOM)
RAOUL: Son of a bitch Christine! We don't have time for this, the moisture in the air is making my hair frizz!
PHANTOM:(Grabs knife and hides behind back) Bring it on you filthy son of a bitch!
(CHRISTINE lunges at PHANTOM. They struggle, wrestling each other to the ground.)
CHRISTINE/PHANTOM/RAOUL: Son of a bitch!
(PHANTOM draws knife and holds to CHRISTINE'S throat)
CHRISTINE: Son of a bitch that's cheating!
PHANTOM: There are no rules for a son of a bitch like you!
RAOUL: (Hair is just completely frizz) Son of a bitch! (Both PHANTOM and CHRISTINE turn to face) Will you two look at me hair! That's it I'm leaving. Son of bitch! Son of bitch! (Rows boat away, but curses can be heard even after he disappears from shot)
CHRISTINE: This means you win by default.
PHANTOM: Really?
CHRISTINE: No you son of bitch! (Bites hand with knife causing PHANTOM to drop knife into the depths of the lake)
(They continue to wrestle until the scene changes to RAOUL rowing the boat through the depths of the opera house. RAOUL catches sight of his reflections in the water.)
RAOUL: Son of bitch. Good thing I always carry my emergency comb with me. (Produces combs and begins to comb the frizz out of his hair. Suddenly the boat sways causing RAOUL to poke himself in the eye. Blinded RAOUL stumbles and falls into the water, drowning.) (Gargled from the depths of the underground lack) Son of a bitch!
(Scene stays on empty boat when the ANGRY MOB enters led by MEG)
MEG: That son of a bitch killed Raoul!
MOB MEMBER #1: Looks like the vicomte died combing his hair.
MOB MEMBER #2: Son of a bitch, look at our hair!
MOB MEMBER #1: Moisture is a son of a bitch.
MOB MEMBER #3: Everyone get out your emergency combs!
(Entire MOB except for MEG produces combs)
MEG: We don't have time to comb our hair, that madman has my best friend.
MOB MEMBER #2: Nonsense there is always time to look your best.
MARK (from RENT): Much like there is always time to practice safe sex.
ROGER (also from RENT): I wish you'd told me that sooner, some best friend you are!
(MARK and ROGER leave after having that strange little cameo)
MOB MEMBER #4: Who were they?
MOB MEMBER #1: I think the one with the leather jacket is the king of England and the other one must his bitch or something.
MOB MEMBER #4: Son of bitch! Are you serious? Those English sure are odd.
MOB MEMBER #3: Yes nothing like us French.
MOB MEMBER #2: I think it's about time we had a revolution. You know put all our skills as angry mobs to good use.
MOB MEMBER #3: (Catches sight of himself in the water) Son of a bitch, our hair is getting worse. We better fix it now.
(Entire MOB other than MEG starts to comb hair but just like RAOUL stab themselves in the eye and die, leaving MEG alone.)
MEG: Son of a bitch!
(Scene changes back to PHANTOM and CHRISTINE, sounds of the dying mob can be heard. PHANTOM and CHRISTINE halt their wrestling)
CHRISTINE: It sounds like an angry mob just experienced mass deaths by combs.
PHANTOM: When will people learn that combs are weapons of mass destruction?
CHRISTINE: I know I lost both my parents to two separate combing accidents.
PHANTOM: So sad. Did you know that combs cause more deaths than cancer and heart disease combined?
MARK (once again from RENT): But they don't kill as many people as AIDS.
ROGER (yes from RENT): Is there anyway out of this place? (Looks at PHANTOM) Fuck! What the hell happened to your face?
CHRISTINE: What's AIDS? What's cancer? And who are you two?
MARK (he's still from RENT): Mark Cohen and this is Roger Davis.
(ROGER doesn't respond because he's still staring at the PHANTOM, who stares back)
CHRISTINE: Well you two may want to get out of here; people are dropping like flies due to comb related deaths. Your friend has really nice hair I would hate for him die combing it.
ROGER (for the last time, from RENT): My hair is just naturally kick ass.
(Once again after that strange cameo MARK and ROGER leave)
CHRISTINE: They seemed like nice boys.
PHANTOM: They seemed oddly peculiar to me
CHRISTINE: I thought they were spunky! I like spunky boys!
(BOB the tomato and LARRY the cucumber from Veggie Tales enter the PHANTOM'S lair)
PHANTOM: Good God! It's a pair of vegetables
BOB: We came because there seemed to be a lot of evil things going on here.
CHRISTINE: What kind of evil things?
LARRY: Violence, an excess of moisture, and not to mention some very naughty language.
CHRISTINE: Naughty language?
BOB: We've heard one f-word and far too many SOB's to count.
PHANTOM: What's an SOB?
CHRISTINE: You are.
LARRY: Oh, she got you man.
BOB: SOB stands for "Son of a bitch"
LARRY: Gasp! Bob you just said son of a bitch!
BOB: Oh my God! You just said son of a bitch!
LARRY: You said it again and you used the Lord's name in vain!
(Suddenly BOB and LARRY start mutating. BOB becomes a giant cookie and LARRY a giant tube of Mini M&M's)
PHANTOM: Now there's something you don't see everyday.
CHRISTINE: This makes no sense!
PHANTOM: Has anything made sense so far?
CHRISTINE: Good point.
(MEG enters PHANTOM's lair)
MEG: I've come to save you Christine! I had a mob but he king of England and his bitch showed up, and everyone died. (Pants out of breath from the long trip to the PHANTOM'S lair. Sees BOB the giant cookie) Oh cookie! Just what I need.
(MEG grabs and starts to eat BOB)
BOB: Oh no you bitch! Stop eating me fat ass! (to LARRY) Larry you need to avenge me and don't screw up dumbass!
LARRY: Don't worry Bob!
(Junk food starts to poor into the lair crushing down on the PHANTOM, CHRISTINE, and MEG. Until they are completely buried and completely dead)
THE END?