Unlikely Partners
Chapter 24
Hermione, having nestled into a comfortable position beneath the covers, waited while Severus pulled the sheets up to his hips and breathed what sounded to her very much like a pain filled sigh.
She waited for him to speak, her gaze encouraging and sincere.
Severus turned his head to look at her, and for one fleeting moment Hermione thought he might take back what he'd just said and launch into another display of resistance, just as he had the other night after he'd kissed her for the first time.
His stare was penetrating and calculating. Hermione involuntarily tensed at the force of his gaze.
She was nearly certain that Severus was about to throw the iron barriers back into place and retreat into himself, permanently shutting her out of his most private memories.
And Hermione knew without any question that if Severus refused to tell her what happened now, she'd never hear the truth of why Albus trusted him. This was her one and only chance.
Then, finally, Severus spoke.
"There's so much you don't know, and can't even begin to imagine,"
Privately, Hermione thought that maybe she could imagine, if the evidence of Severus's ...friendship?...with Lily was anything to go by, but she knew better than to let it slip that she'd discovered the book and picture Lily had given him.
"I am sure Potter has told you that I was the one who delivered Trewlaney's prophecy to Voldemort," Severus stated with confidence.
"How do you know"– Hermione began.
"I knew that Albus showed Potter his memories. And it wasn't much of a stretch to surmise that Potter shared with you the details of what he'd seen, or rather, thought he'd seen,"
At this, Hermione couldn't prevent a look of surprise and puzzlement from crossing her features.
"I'm afraid that part of my story must wait for now. First, I need to let you know how I came to be a spy for the Order. You see, . . ."
Severus stopped and stared at Hermione again, considering her, as if he were wondering if she'd truly believe what he was about to tell her.
"Please, you can tell me, Severus," Hermione said softly.
"When I was seventeen, I joined the Death Eaters at Albus Dumbledore's behest," Severus told her slowly.
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked quickly. "The way you said that, it sounds as if Dumbledore actually wanted you to join Voldemort's forces."
"Yes. That is exactly how it sounds, for that was exactly how it was."
"I don't understand at all, why on earth would Dumbledore"–
"The man desperately needed a spy, Hermione."
"Are you saying he just ordered you to become a servant of Voldemort?" Hermione asked quickly.
"No. Though he was careful to present his request in such a way that I hardly could refuse."
Hermione began to say something but Severus went ahead and asked her a question, silencing her.
"Certainly you've read histories of Muggle warfare have you not?"
"Yes, of course I have, what does that have to do with this?"
"Generals do not just sit about and wait for a soldier from the other side to desert and join their army as a spy. After all, there's always a question of their loyalty, even in the most convincing circumstances. So, generals recruit spies of their own choosing to go across enemy lines and report back with inside information."
"Spies of their own choosing," Hermione repeated, "Dumbledore actually chose you to take the mark so that you could be his spy right from the get-go?"
"Do you really think that I would have sworn any sort of allegiance to such a depraved abomination as Voldemort otherwise?"
"No, I don't suppose you're the sort to willingly let another man rule over you," Hermione told him and then too late realized her mistake before she could take back her words.
For that was, in a very real sense, exactly what he had done with Dumbledore.
Severus was silent.
"Oh God Severus, I . . . I didn't think. Please, I'm sorry,"
"Do not apologise to me, Hermione."
"So Albus trusted you because you had been his spy all along," Hermione told him.
"That wasn't the entire reason,"
"But was that not reason enough?"
"You know nothing of the Dark Mark's mechanics, do you?" Severus asked her. His tone was calm and held no trace of its usual derisive venom.
"Well, it's not exactly something that's published in a book,"
"No, that it certainly isn't. Let me enlighten you then. The instant my skin was magically branded with the skull and serpent symbol, a part of my soul was destroyed, consumed forever with no hopes of ever regaining what I'd lost. Ordinarily that would inevitably kill anyone who could not withstand the Mark's power. The only reason I did not die in the days following my Marking Ceremony is that I had some inherent propensity to embrace the Dark Arts. Albus knew of this and it was his reason for choosing me to become his spy."
"He chose you because you knew you'd survive the Ceremony. I can still scarcely believe that Dumbledore would put something like that on the shoulders of a seventeen year old boy."
"Albus was a man with many sides. Trust me when I tell you that what you knew of him was only a part of his overall character. Also, he had an even greater reason to recruit me as his spy, something that went well past any selfish designs he may or may not have had."
"What?" Hermione asked.
"He felt he could not afford to allow me to pledge myself to the Dark Arts of my own accord. So in securing my position as his right hand man, he ensured that I turned my back on any devotion I had to Dark Magic before he approached me. Thus, he prevented me from losing my humanity entirely and becoming something not altogether dissimilar to Voldemort himself. As I just told you, in order to be able to live with the Dark Mark, a person must have a sort of spark of darkness within them. Before Albus recruited me, that spark inside of me was brighter and stronger than in most wizards and witches who pledged themselves as Voldemort's truest servants."
There was a stretch of silence, where the only sound that could be heard was the ticking of the clock on the wall over the desk.
"Is this why you never told me this earlier?" Hermione asked, breaking the silence. "Did you think I'd be afraid of you?"
Severus did not immediately answer.
"Please, answer my question."
"Do you deny that during those first few minutes after I showed up at Remus's you felt ill at ease in my presence?" Severus asked her.
"No, Severus, I do not deny it. But bear in mind that was well before I had proof of your true intentions."
"One might think Hermione that hearing these secrets of mine might bring back that initial feeling of being ill at ease in my presence and magnify it tenfold."
"Yes, one might think that. But as you made a point to tell me, you shouldn't make assumptions unless you have substantial proof that they are true. Look at me, Severus."
Severus returned his gaze to Hermione's eyes.
"I am not afraid of you. After everything you've done for me, I could never be afraid of you,"
"Never, Hermione? To make such a statement without fully understanding what you are talking about is certainly utter foolishness,"
"I understand enough to know that despite what others might think of you, you are an honourable man."
At this Severus let out a quick laugh, mirthless and hollow in its sound.
"Honourable? No, I rather think that you're seriously mistaken. An honourable man would never bed a former student with no more than ten months past since she came of age. Or if he did, he would at the very least experience feelings of shame and deep regret. I have absolutely no remorse for what I did. No feelings even remotely close to guilt whatsoever. I am not an honourable man,"
"Then why did you push me away before?"
"Two reasons. I wanted to be sure that you never developed some kind of true attachment to me and I knew if I were to allow you to feel comfortable around me you'd persist in your pursuit of answers about my past. Determined as you always are, you were sure to continue to ask your questions. The last thing I wanted was for you to find out the truth before the Occlumency lesson could be completed. If you had feared me, we would have been unable to proceed with the last part of the lesson."
"You really thought I'd fear you?"
"Upon hearing what you've heard, there are some women who would,"
"I suppose that's true, but didn't you think I might be different?"
"I didn't want to take that chance,"
"And what about me developing some kind of attachment to you now? Why is this any different than what you so pointedly avoided the other day?"
"I'm telling you now not to develop any sort of lasting attachment to me. You would do well to heed that suggestion,"
Hermione sighed.
"You impossible man," she muttered under her breath.
"I assume you'd like to hear more of my explanation?"
"Yes, go on,"
"Albus had to find a way to make sure I never opened myself to evil and turned on him. So, he did something to prevent me from betraying him."
"What did he do?" Hermione asked quietly.
"He bonded the part of my soul I still retained with the soul of Lily Evans,"
"Harry's mother,"
"Yes. This was well before she married James,"
Hermione noticed that Severus spoke the word "James" with more than a subtle hint of vehemence.
"The Bonding ensured my loyalty to Albus. Lily was what Albus called my focus, . . . a powerful force to keep that small part of humanity left in my soul alive. The Bonding accomplished everything Albus had wanted it to. Lily became my closest confidante. But after less than six months, a complication from the Bonding spell arose that neither one of us had expected."
"Albus assured me that there would be no adverse effects. I asked him how the spell would work, given that Lily and I at the time were hardly friendly acquaintances. I had my misgivings, but of course, I was given little choice in the matter. You do know what I'm getting at, I presume?"
"Soul Bonding is a sacred magic. I've never heard of it ever being done between two individuals who did not love each other. I suppose, if the Bonded couple had no romantic feelings for each other at the time of the actual casting of the spell, the magic of the Bonding would soon change their feelings shortly thereafter, . . . Dear God. Surely Dumbledore knew this?"
"He certainly made no mention of it. But he had to have known. The truth is, Albus Dumbledore was not without his faults, though certain individuals might say otherwise. He was a great man, to be sure, but he was no less imperfect than other men,"
"I'm sure you can imagine what happened between Lily and me in the months following our Bonding."
"She fell in love with you,"
For once Severus did not let out a snort of disdain.
"Yes, she did." Severus said quietly, and then dropping his voice down so that Hermione barely heard him he said, "And I with her."
"The Bond between you two was great enough to transcend the dark magic of the Mark."
"Yes. But even so, we tried to fight it."
"How did Lily end up marrying Harry's father?"
"She was afraid that if she pledged her heart to me, I'd be in danger of Voldemort discovering that I was not a true Death Eater, that somehow he'd use Legilimency to discover my feelings for her and learn that I had never been loyal. She thought the only way to prevent that from happening was to completely avoid any non platonic relationship with me. She married James Potter so that she could try to get past her feelings for me."
"I'm sorry,"
"Don't be. I have no need of your sympathy. Lily thought that she'd be able to move on. She didn't know that once she had irrevocably bonded her soul to me, she would never be able to truly love another man. She made a great show of going through the motions of marriage with James, I think in the beginning he wholeheartedly believed that she loved him. But then when Lily and I were nearly twenty two, our platonic relationship ended. Though she pretended not to be, she was miserable living with James. She couldn't stand it any longer."
"For six months, I had a sexual relationship with her. It ended the night the arrogant sod Sirius Black caught us in a compromising situation. Lily begged him not to tell James."
"But of course, he did."
"Of course. To say the least, James Potter was beyond furious."
"I can only imagine. To find out that he'd been cuckolded by the one person he'd hated the most at school, I'm sure he threatened to kill you,"
"That was the very least of my concerns. I was much more intent on murdering Black for telling James,"
"Oh dear,"
"Lily found out she was pregnant with James's child a week later. It was the only reason he didn't divorce her. Though he made her promise that she'd never see me alone again. She didn't tell him about the Bond between us. I'm sure she thought that James wouldn't be able to handle it and he'd throw her out, even if she was pregnant. And she couldn't bring herself to come to me and ask me to help her raise James's baby. So for over a year and a half we were apart."
"What happened then?"
"Pettigrew joined Voldemort and the Trewlaney made her prophecy."
Hermione raised a brow slightly as she heard the sound of Severus's voice change subtly with the words "her prophecy". It sounded as if there was something like derision in his voice. But then, there was a note of derision in Severus's voice a good bit of the time. Hermione ignored it and listened closely to what Severus said next.
"I went to the Potter's to warn them that Pettigrew had betrayed them and that Voldemort desired to kill Harry in the immediate future. James accused me of lying. Said that I was trying to deceive them and lead them to their deaths at the hands of my fellow Death Eaters. After all, they were top Aurors and Voldemort would have good reason to want them dead. The son of a bitch said that I wanted to kill Lily for breaking off our affair. That I couldn't handle the rejection so plotted her demise in the year following the last day I'd seen her. I often look back on my actions that night. Do you know what I should have done differently, Hermione?"
"What should you have done?"
"I should have killed James Potter right then and there. I'm sure Lily would still be alive today if I had."
"Severus!"
"What? Is there something ignoble about committing a single murder to save the life of the woman I loved?"
"No, . . . but . . . never mind, carry on."
"I demanded to speak to Lily, but James wouldn't hear of it. I then went find Albus, but that night he'd had a meeting at the Ministry. I had to go and pull him out of that meeting and implore him to go force James to heed my warning. He had heard about what had happened between Lily and me, no doubt from James himself. Albus left straight away to persuade James to heed my warning as soon as I told him James wouldn't listen to me. But before Albus arrived at Godric's Hollow, Voldemort killed James and Lily."
"And that's when Dumbledore took Harry to his Lily's sister," Hermione whispered.
"The second she died, . . . it felt as if I'd been hit with the Cruciatus Curse. A Soul Bond is not bent to be broken involuntarily. In the days following Lily's death, I experienced indescribable agony, pain so bad I could barely breathe. Every nerve in my body was firing in nearly constant protest. Albus stayed with me for the better part of two months and helped me to get through effects of having my Bond with Lily severed. You recall that I told you I had a headache after the Occlumency lesson because I was different from other Legilimens. I got the excruciating headache because even now, I haven't fully recovered from the loss of the bond I shared with Lily. For the past sixteen years, I've had frequent headaches, worse than migraines. I gather that I'll have them for the rest of my life. I suppose it's my price to pay for not trying harder to make Lily leave with me when James refused to let me in,"
"You had no way of knowing Voldemort would attack the Potters that very night,"
"No, but I knew it was going to be soon,"
"So Dumbledore trusted you when he sent you back to Voldemort at the end of my fourth year because he knew you desired vengeance for Lily's death."
"Quite right. This made Albus trust me as much as he'd trust himself. He knew there was no possibility I'd betray him and willingly serve the man who'd murdered Lily. He knew I would have sooner ended my life with my own hand."
"How much of this story do the Order members know?" Hermione asked.
"Everything I've just told you minus the part about my headaches,"
"Severus?"
"Hm?"
"There's more to your story, isn't there?"
"Yes, there is more," said Severus steadily.
"Could you go back to the part about the memory that Dumbledore showed Harry?"
"I suppose when I said you shouldn't breathe a word of this to anyone, you expected more secret information than that I regularly get excruciating headaches?"
"Well, . . . yes. But also you seemed to say that Harry was wrong in thinking that you delivered the prophecy to Voldemort."
"I'm sure Potter was quite convinced I did exactly that,"
"So if you weren't the one who delivered the prophecy, who was it that did deliver it to Voldemort?"
Severus sighed heavily.
"You're getting ahead of yourself. Before you ask questions, listen to my explanation of what truly happened."
A/N: Severus's explanation Part 2 coming soon! Please review.