1Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. But the sense of humor I use is all mine.

Chapter Three

Finally, everyone calmed down. They agreed that Gimli did need is axe, Legolas did need his bow, Gandalf did need his staff, Aragorn did need his sword and not a kingdom, and that Gollum would not get his Precious, no matter how much he needed It.

"Sit down," Gandalf directed again. Only then did Boromir realize there was a Hobbit in his chair.

"Get up," Boromir sighed.

"And sit where?" Pippin asked, but then got and idea. He got up, and then sat down again -- on Faramir's lap.

"Nice choice," Boromir nodded, sitting down, but then Merry came running up and sat on Boromir's lap.

"Good," Faramir said. "Now my brother won't get up again."

Boromir scowled. Faramir had a bigger mouth when they weren't with their father. He almost wished Denethor was there, but then mentally slapped himself. Their father gave Faramir a hard time even when he did well. His little brother needed a break.

"Aragorn is right," Gandalf said, breaking the weird silence and getting everyone back on track. "We cannot use it."

"Yes, we can," Grima suggested. "In the right hands, the Ring has the power to stop Sauron forever."

"The Ring doesn't have the power to do that," Eowyn snapped. "Don't you get it, numbskull. They're the same thing. Sauron can't exist without the Ring, and the Ring can't exist without Sauron! As long as the Ring is still here, anywhere, Sauron will come back."

"Yeah, what she said," Elrond said gratefully. "You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed."

"Noooooo!" Gollum shrieked. "My Precioussss!"

His cries fell on deaf ears. With a "Well, what are we waiting for," Gimli took his axe and tried to chop the Ring in half. To Gandalf's surprise, Frodo didn't react except for a look that showed he knew that wouldn't work. If burning the Ring in a hot fire wouldn't work, an axe would do no good.

"What is it, Gandalf?" Frodo asked, noticing the Wizard was looking at him strangely.

"Nothing."

Frodo was about to insist that that look was not nothing, but Elrond spoke up.

"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess."

"Preciousss," Gollum whimpered softly. He buried his head in the one hand Legolas hadn't taken back from Haldir.

"Oh, stop it," Haldir grumbled.

"The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasms from whence it came."

"NO!" Gollum insisted.

"Oh, just stop," Legolas sighed. "We all know you won't approve of any of our plans."

"One of you must do this," Elrond finished. Gollum whimpered a little but said nothing.

"One does not simply walk into Mordor," Boromir reminded them.

"Oh?" Pippin asked. "Could we ride Bill? I don't think I want to walk that far."

Boromir smiled. "Its black gate is guarded by more than just Orcs. There is an evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful." He made a circle with his hand.

"Pip," Merry whispered, "if the Eye looks like that, we shouldn't have a problem." Pippin giggled.

"It is a barren wasteland, with fire, and ash, and dust."

"And cruel Orcses, and dust, and thirst," Gollum agreed, the first thing he'd agreed with so far.

Faramir gently took Pippin's hand in his. He knew his brother was scaring the young Hobbit. Merry, too, had climbed off Boromir's lap and joined Pippin on his brother's.

"Not with ten thousand men could you do this." Boromir didn't notice he was freaking the two youngest Hobbits. "It is folly."

Legolas jumped up, once again handing Gollum off to Haldir. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!"

The whole council erupted again. Gimli shouted that he didn't trust Elves, Gandalf that they all needed to work together, and Gollum that he needed his Precious. Frodo jumped up and started yelling at Gollum for being such a Precious addict. Only Faramir couldn't get up, for he still had a Hobbit on each leg. Everyone besides those three, even Elrond and Erestor, was yelling at the top of their lungs.

Pippin looked at Merry. "This is getting nowhere," he sighed. "We'll never get to eat."

"Afraid so, Pip."

"Maybe I should . . ."

"Go ahead," Faramir nodded, easing the Hobbit off his leg.

"I will take it!" Pippin shouted.

Deagol Smeagol – Yeah, I couldn't think of a funnier Ringbearer. Frodo's too serious for my tastes. I have a feeling the weight of the Ring won't be so heavy on Pippin.

Sarah – Hmmmm . . . a new Fellowship. Well, there is one person I'll probably add to the Fellowship . . . but I don't think I'll get rid of any of the old ones. They're too funny.