Disclaimer: Lawyer: Come on, give him up
Me: (Panicking) Who? What?
Lawyer: (Opens closet door and Jaken
springs out) I knew it
Jaken: (Kisses Lawyer's feet) Thank you my Lord!
Terrible Matches
(We'll take people and force them to go on terrifying dates)
Okay people! Here it is! 'Terrible Matches'! The worst, real-life, dating show in the universe! Since nobody wants to be on my show, I've started abducting people from my favorite shows and forcing them to go on dates with other characters of the show you'd never dream of them being with! My victims this time? The characters of 'Inuyasha'! Give it up!
APPLAUSE OR DIE
The Inuyasha characters appear on a wooden stage, surrounded by darkness.
"What the Hell am I doing here?" Inuyasha asks, bewildered, "Uh? You! My number one enemy!" He points at Naraku, "You! My number one enemy!" He points at Sesshomaru, "You! My number one enemy!" He points at Kouga, "You! My number one enemy!" He points at Rin.
Kagome's face drops (not litterally, I hope) and looks at Rin, "Why is Rin one of your many number-one-enemies, Inuyasha?"
"She scares me..." Inuyasha says, trying to hide behind Shippo, but failing miserably.
"Why?" Kagome questioned the half-demon, stunned that he was afraid of the seven year old child, but fearless in the face of the horrifying Naraku.
Inuyasha started sweating, "The ponytail. No normal human's ponytail could possibly stick up at such an angle. It frightens me," He whimpered like a lost puppy.
"Ridiculous," Sesshomaru hissed out, icily.
Suddenly, without any warning at all, lights were turned on and soon the whole cast was blinking back at a room full of people.
Jaken started jumping up and down happily, "An audience! All for me!" He laughed maniacally, "Go forth my loyal subjects! Bring me blood!"
A janitor that was cleaning the stage didn't see Jaken and stepped on him, crushing him into the ground.
"Woops..." He said.
Inuyasha grabbed the janitor by the collar, "Tell me where we are or I'll slit your throat!"
The janitor tilted back his head and blew a bubble out of his nose, "Hehehe..." He promptly fell asleep.
"Damn it..."
All of you are on the set of 'Terrible Matches:The worst dating show in the universe'...
"And who are you?" Inuyasha looked at the ceiling.
I am the ghost of Christmas...oops...sorry...I mean..I am the hostess of this show...
Inuyasha stomped on the ground, "Show yourself!"
No...
"Why not!"
Because you're going to kill me...me no want-y to die...
Anyway! So here you go folks! The cast of Inuyasha!
APPLAUSE OR HAVE YOUR SOUL PURIFIED
The janitor(after taking a swig out of a wine bottle he produced from under his mustard-colored hat) said, sleepily, "Welcome your mistress! Rosalia-Antonia-Fetuccine-Tortellini-Calamari-with-a-side-of-Luinguine!"
DON'T LAUGH AT YOUR MISTRESSES NAME
APPLAUSE OR BE TURNED INTO A CLAY POT
A girl with black hair and light blue highlights wearing a strange purple and black garb stepped out on stage. She waved and the authoress of this story almost killed her because she wanted to be the hostess in the story, but her friend threatened her with something sharp so she was made the hostess.
"Just call me Calamari. Everybody else does," Mistress Calamari told the janitor.
So here it was. Mistress Calamari standing only feet away from Inuyasha, Kagome, Kikyo, Kaede, Sesshomaru, Shippo, Sango, Kirara, Miroku, Kouga, Ayame, Naraku, Rin, Jaken, Hakkaku-
There are way too many characters on this damned show!
Mistress Calamari smiled, "Hello everybody! If you haven't noticed, I died my brown hair black and got rid of the red higlights and went blue. What do you think?" She waited patiently for the audience to tell her they loved her hair.
LOVE YOUR MISTRESSES HAIR OR HAVE ONE OF YOUR EYES BLOWN OUT
She turned halfway towards the cast who were now sitting down in wooden chairs, held down with heavy metal bindings, "So here we are people...yep...here we are...so...ummm...yeah..." She gazed at Sesshomaru for a little while.
"Child?" Sesshomaru closed his eyes.
"Yes?" Mistress Calamari asked the character whos style was impossible for her to copy.
He opened his eyes again, his hand resting on Tokijin, "Is there something wrong with your eyes? Because I can always fix them for you if you like..."
"No! Nothing!" She spun around, "Let's go on with the show!" She turned to the cast and smiled, "Because the show is called 'Inuyasha' guess who's going to be interrogated first!"
Shippo perked up, "Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!" He smiled brightly, as if he thought he was really smart, "It's Kagome! Right? Huh? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is-"
"Shut up."
Shippo shut up.
"Nope! All of you have to be questioned in order to find your opposite matches!" Mistress Calamari smiled happily, "Okay...the first question is for Miroku..."
Inuyasha snorted, "Heh...this one's gonna' be good..."
"Is it true that you mistook Sesshomaru for a woman and came dangerously close to asking him to bear your children?"
Miroku was stunned into silence.
"Well?"
"I...um..."
Sango, who was sitting to the left of Miroku sniggered, "No way..."
Inuyasha burst out laughing, "This is too good to be true!" He laughed so hard his ears popped right off the top of his head.
Sesshomaru, who unfortunately was sitting to the right of the monk tried desperately to push his chair farther away from the creep-o, but only succeeded in tipping the chair over and hitting his head against the floor.
"Are you okay?" Kagome asked the fallen taiyoukai.
Sesshomaru grunted, "Get me away from him."
Miroku looked down, "Why am I getting asked first?"
"Hehe! Silly! Because I copied your style!" Mistress Calamari's small black ponytail, purple and black garb, and blue contacts really made her look like a girl Miroku.
Inuyasha laughed so hard his nails popped right off his fingers, "Oh man! This is too much! I can't...I can't...I can't breath...HAHAHAHAHA! Oh jeez!" His fangs popped right out of his huge mouth.
Miroku sighed, "Okay...okay...yes...I mistook Lord Sesshomaru for a woman at first glance..." He sighed again.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Inuyasha laughed so hard that he sailed right out of his chair and got caught into one of the fans which, when the janitor pressed a button, spun extremely fast.
Kagome looked worriedly at Sesshomaru and wondered how he was taking this all.
"L-lord Se-Sesshomaru?" Jaken asked, frightened by his Lord's reaction.
"Get..him...the...HELL...away...from...me..." The dog-demon just wanted to run away forever.
Miroku was released from his chair and he bent over to help Sesshomaru up, "Listen, Sesshomaru. It was a one-time thing. I couldn't tell because I was looking at your back and your hair is so long and-"
"Mommy! He's going to rape me!" The cry left Sesshomaru's mouth before he could think and as it escaped him he wished he could swallow the words back up.
"Wow."
"Um...the next question is for Kagome!" Mistress Calamari smiled again, "So Kagome...is it true that your father beat you half to death when you were a child?"
Kagome felt painful tears well up in her eyes, "Who said that!"
"I read it in a fanfic..."
"Well! It's not true...he...he...just...well...I don't know, actually...Rumiko Takahashi never mentioned him, so...wait...who's Rumiko Takahashi? What am I saying?" She looked about frantically, "I'm losing my mind! I'm insane! Oh no! NONONONONO!" She shook her head from side to side sharply.
Ayame raised an eyebrow and looked at Kouga, "You sure you love her?"
Mistress Calamari blinked, "Okay...okay...take it easy. Don't hurt yourself, now. Next question for Kaede!" She turned to her, "Why don't you have kids?"
"What? Ah...that's irrelevant..." Kaede told Calamari.
"Is it?"
"Yes, it is."
"WHATever...Inuyasha!"
"Hm?" The hanyou wasn't that interested anymore.
Mistress Calamari cleared her throat, "Please admit that your half-brother's mother was one of the most beautiful demons alive and your mother's prettiness was no match for his mother's loveliness."
"WHAT! HELL NO!" Inuyasha snarled, "Why would you get some half-assed idea like that in your head!"
Mistress Calamari smiled, "It's not half-assed. It's full-assed! I mean...really...you both had the same father, but why do you think Sesshomaru is sooooo h-a-n-d-s-o-m-e, and you're only cute? Obviously, his mother must have been beautiful for him to have his looks. Why he preferred some ugly human like your mother when he could have had more kids that looked like that is still a wonder to me..."
"I...I don't understand..." Inuyasha said slowly.
"Ugh..." Calamari slapped her forehead, "Let me put it more simply for you. You, Inuyasha, are ugly when compared to your beautiful half-brother, Sesshomaru."
Inuyasha nodded, "Yeah. I thought I heard something like that, but you were talking so-I AM NOT UGLY WHEN COMPARED TO HIM!"
"Took you long enough to figure that one out," Sesshomaru sneered.
"SHUT UP! No one's asking you! I am not ugly! He is!" He glared at Calamari, "Tell 'em Kagome!"
Silence.
"Kagome? Tell them Sesshomaru is the ugly one."
Silence.
"Kagome. Tell them."
Silence.
"I'm going to kill you."
Kagome looked nervous, "Listen, Inuyasha. You're generally cute, but...Sesshomaru is..." She looked for the right word.
"Handsome?" Suggested Sango.
"Beautiful?" Suggested Kikyo.
"Hot?" Suggested Ayame.
"Fine?" Suggested Kagome's three future friends.
"Mew?" Suggested Kirara.
"Sexy?" Suggested Rin.
"Yeah. All of those things," Kagome smiled at Inuyasha, "And you're just...well...you're just not. Sorry."
Sesshomaru's frown deepened, for he would never admit it, but right now...he was truly...scared...
"Oookkkkkaaaaayyyyy," Mistress Calamari felt the tension between the two half-brothers, "Um...Kikyo!"
"Yes?"
"Hehehe..."
"What's so funny?"
"Hehehehe..."
"What is it?"
"Hehehehe..."
"Spit it out!"
Calamari pointed at Kikyo, "I see dead people...and this one is made of play-doh..."
"Hmph. Hilarious. I bet you thought about that one all night, didn't you?" Kikyo asked, rolling her eyes as she had once seen Kagome do.
Mistress Calamari laughed, "Ha."
I said...Mistress Calamari LAUGHED...as in a real LAUGH," Ha. ha. ha."
That's better.
"Sesshomaru!"
If I close my eyes they'll all go away and none of this would have happened... No good. Still there.
"Sessho-o-omaru!"
They're going to Hell for this. They have to go to Hell for this...
"Sesshy-sesshy-sesshy!"
My Gawd...they're all obsessed...
"Sesshy! Sesshy! Sesshy is sexy!"
I can't believe this...somebody upstairs must really hate me...
Upstairs the janitor spat curses at Sesshomaru, "Lucky dog. He gets all th-" The janitor fell asleep for two seconds, "-e women's adoring gazes and l-" The empty beer can slid out of his grasp, "-ove."
"Hey!" Shippo opened his mouth really wide and smiled, "I liked that!"
Calamari's eyes were so wide that they almost matched Kagome's, "What?"
"The Sesshy-sexy thing!" Shippo looked like he was constipated with his mouth open while he smiled and spoke. How did Kagome bear waking up to that face every morning? "Make one up for me, Mistress Calamari!"
"Okay...um...how 'bout this?" Calamari winked at the audience, "Shippo! Shippo! Shippo is a shitto!"
Shippo was quiet for the rest of the show...but his mouth was still open while he smiled.
"Creepy...Jaken!"
"I thought you were about to question the dog?" Naraku asked, his red eyes gleaming.
"Silence! I am questioning Lord Jaken now!" Calamari cried.
Jaken smiled, "Lord Jaken?"
"Yes well...Lord Jaken...you do know that you're Janx Spirit's favorite character on the show. I don't know why though...because you're so ugly and small and pitiful and stupid and you're such a minor character and did I mention how ugly you are? And-"
Calamari fell through the trapdoor that she was standing on.
"I'lllllllllllllllllllll beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" Calamari shouted, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa baaaaaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
Calamari's head was still sticking through the stage floor, "Well...that was a waste of breath."
A/N: REVIEW! Go review...now! The button is only a few inches away...click on it...come on...you know you want to...Peeps! Give me some constructive criticism! Hell. I don't care if you hated it, just tell me what went wrong! Also, give me some suggestions! Tell me what you think should be input in this story and give me some couples that you think should be forced to go on dates. Just remember they can't be couples you'd normally see. You have to pick one like...Ah Uhn and Kikyo...or Hakkaku and Ginta(because they have to be together to leave a really lasting impression) and Sango...well...click the review button already!