A/N: Thank you Rachel the Loser for reviewing the first chapter of my very first story. I hadn't planned on making this multi-chaptered but I guess I sort of left the last one open ended didn't I? Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the first part and here's the next one for you. I'm still getting the hang of this writing thing, so sorry if it ends up sucking eggs.

Disclaimer: Still don't own anyone, except for Jason, and he's a meaningless tool in this story.

I didn't tell her.

I just couldn't. At first I was totally ready too, then I started thinking, then I started doubting. We had too much time between the bus ride and getting home, and I accidentally used all of it to think. How could I possibly tell her something like that? Was I crazy? What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she just doesn't want to be dating? Maybe that's why she hasn't accepted any offers from the numerous guys that ask her out.

I wish I had that kind of courage. I wish I had the mental fortitude to walk up to her, ask her out, and get turned away like those guys do. I'm sure that's what she'd do too, turn me away I mean. She's my best friend, I'm a girl, and most importantly…she's straight. She has to be. She's been boy crazy since I've known her. Sure Billy and Ned were her prime two, and they've never been the model of masculinity, but she ogled enough to leave a lasting impression of heterosexuality.

How would she react if I did tell her? Would she freak? Would she give me the: it's-ok-for-you-to-like-me-but-I-don't-feel-that-way-about-you speech? Or the: you-totally-gross-me-out-get-away-from-me-and-never-talk-to-me-again speech? Or the: let's-just-be-friends speech? Imagining that last one, now I know why guys hate hearing it so much! Hearing someone you like telling you that you didn't ever have a snowball's chance in hell of ever being with them…gods, even imagining it hurts.

But I didn't tell her, so I am still agonizing over those damnable questions, doubts, and fears. I couldn't find it in myself to just tell her. I'm placing my thoughts on the bus under temporary insanity. How could I ever think it was ok for me to tell her this? It would be totally selfish of me to dump this on her. She needs me as a friend, not as anything else. I shouldn't have even considered it, I'm such a moron.

I hate this. I hate not knowing what to do. My mother always told me to be honest with myself and with other people…what would she say about this? What would my mother say if I told her I'm in love with Suzie Crabgrass and I want to tell her so badly but I can't work up the gumption to do so? Worst part is Mom would probably be totally supportive. She'd more than likely tell me that as long as I was happy I should go for it. Well, I'm not particularly happy right now; I'm hurting because I'm in love with another girl and I can't tell her how I feel for fear of losing her friendship forever.

I'd rather have her as a friend and agonize in private than get this off my chest and have her hate me for it. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I've never had feelings for another girl before, certainly not for my best friend. This is just totally out of my range of experience. Would it be wrong for me to tell Suzie how I feel? I mean, I know it would make me feel better…at least until she stopped being friends with me. But what would it do to her? Would she rather I be honest with her about my feelings? Or would she prefer I keep this to myself and we stay friends? I mean, I know I can't say definitively that she'd stop being my friend, but should I risk it?

All I know is that I can't keep having these feelings for her and not do anything about it. Maybe I should start a journal or something just to get this out of my head. Maybe writing it down will make it all go away. But do I want it to go away? I don't think so. I like feeling that I love someone. I like the way it makes my chest ache, it's a good ache. I like that my pulse speeds when I catch sight of her unexpectedly and my breath catches. Well, the feelings probably won't go away just because I write them down…it'll just be a release of some of this pressure.

I think about her all the time though, like now. I pretty much just got home from her house and here I am, flopped across my bed, thinking about her. It is early evening now; I spent last night at her house. After we got off the bus and the equipment was taken back into the school I drove us both to her house (we take turns driving each other to and from school during volleyball season, it's easier on both of us and our parents). I had the drive to lose any nerve I'd built up on the bus, this trip she wasn't asleep against my shoulder. We got to her house, went to her room, and were sharing the bed (we'd been sharing our beds with each other since we started these sleepovers two years ago, it's easier than carrying a sleeping bag to school, this way we only bring clothes and a toothbrush) and talking like we usually do when she asked me what I thought of Jason, a star running back for the football team.

I swear you could've heard a pin drop. After a moment of stunned silence I told her that I thought he was ok, I wasn't attracted to him at all but to each her own right? She said right, and then dropped another bomb. Apparently Jason had asked her out before we left for the game and she was thinking about saying yes. She hadn't given him an answer, she was holding off for my thoughts. If I thought it was ok she'd go out with him. This put me in a horrible position. Of course I didn't want her dating him; I want her to be dating me. But she seemed genuinely excited about the prospect of dating him so I told her that she should do whatever made her happiest, if that was dating Jason than who was I to tell her no? Oddly enough to that she just said 'Oh…' and rolled over to go to sleep after telling me goodnight.

I wonder if I upset her somehow. I know she sure as hell upset me, but I couldn't very well tell her that; just like I couldn't give her a valid reason for not dating Jason. But understandably I couldn't tell her that I think I might be in love with her after she tells me she's going to be going out with a star running back. I can hardly admit to myself that I'm in love with her and that I'm probably gay. I wonder which, when I get the nerve to have the conversation, I should lead with. Should I tell her first that I have feelings for her and that makes me kind of gay? Or should I tell her that I think I'm gay and in love with her? Gods, I hate this so much; I hate not knowing what to do!

When I woke up she was already gone from the bed. We spent most of the day watching the television, again like we usually do, and she didn't bring Jason up again. When I went to leave she looked like she wanted to say something, like something was on her mind, but I guess she decided against it since she just told me goodbye and waved me off. So I left and now here I am, lying across my bed and wondering if I did something wrong.

It occurs to me that of course I did something wrong. I didn't tell her that I don't want her going out with Jason because I want her to be with me. I told her to go be with that boy because I don't have the balls to tell her I want her. And now she's going to be with him, and they'll do the whole PDA thing in the school ALL THE TIME, and I'll have to watch her be with another person, I'll have to watch her be with someone who isn't me.

At this point I'm fighting off tears and losing. I just know she called him after I left to tell him she'd go out with him. And now I'm thinking of him kissing her and holding her. That's a mental image that I could do without. I only want her to be with me. I want to hold her and kiss her and do all the stupid lovey-dovey things that couples do. But it isn't me that she'll be doing that with. It isn't me that will get to hold her hand in the halls, or take her to dinner, or to the movies, or cuddle with her on the couch, or just touch her for no reason at all because I didn't have the courage to tell her that I love her. She's going to be doing all of that with hoity-toity Jason and there's nothing I can do about it.

"Monday's going to suck!"

A/N: This is it for the weekend, just thought I'd leave you something to chew on. I'm going to a place where there is no working computer so I'll have to hand-write the next chapter and put it up Monday. Feel free to leave any notes you think may help me improve the story and my writing, goodness knows I could use them!