Sassy: This came out of the total randomness-
Angry Kitty: That's called the Author's Note!
Flipper: So please enjoy!
INSERT STANDARD DISCLAIMER
PROLOUGE (AKA: The A/N's behind this story)AUTHOR NOTE #1 (Chapter Two, Lost in the Real World) (excerpt):
Yuki: (pouting) That stupid cat knew what was going to happen, how come I can't?
Sassy: Because you don't know how to bribe! Kyo gave REALLY nice bribes.
Angry Kitty: Damn straight! He even gave us really expensive chocolate once! (drools)
Yuki: I MUST LEARN TO BRIBE!
AUTHOR NOTE #2 (Chapter Three, Lost in the Real World):
Sassy: Hello!
Yuki: Okay, now what's going to happen?
Angry Kitty: What are you gonna give us? Remember the bribing?
Yuki: How about caaaaaaandyyyyyy?
Tom: … What kind of caaaaaaandyyyyyy?
Yuki: Only the finest chocolate of course.
Sassy: GIMME!
Yuki: (throws candy at them) Now, what's gonna happen?
Tom: Why should we tell you?
Yuki: I SPENT FIFTY DOLLARS ON THAT CHOCOLATE!
Angry Kitty: And that's fifty bucks down the drain.
Tom: You really need to learn how to bribe. Now that we've got the candy, why should we tell you anything?
Yuki: DAMMIT!
AUTHOR'S NOTE #3 (Chapter Three, Lost in the Real World):
Yuki: Okay you stu-I mean Kyo. How are you? You want some breakfast? Bacon? Eggs? FISH? ANYTHING?
Kyo: … What do you want?
Yuki: Can't I just be nice to me (shudder) FAVORITE cou-screw this. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS OF THE BRIBE!
Kyo: Okay, get some money, we're goin' to a club.
Yuki: Uh … why?
Kyo: DON'T QUESTION YOUR SENSEI, GRASSHOPPER! We've gotta learn how to bribe bouncers. You know, the ones with lists that your never on?
Yuki: (shifty eyes) Of course, Sensei!
Kyo: Good …(And yes, this particular A/N IS used later on. Now, ONTO THE REAL STORY!)
CHAPTER ONEYuki stomped into the Shigure's house, furious and muttering under his breath. He had failed to bribe the CuteCrittersGang, and thus did not know what new fresh Hell he would be thrown into.
"Dame CuteCrittersGang, so cute and fluffy, yet incredibly annoying and evil. Damn Kyo, knowing how to bribe people! … That's it! I'll get him to teach me how to bribe people! It's genius, GENIUS!"
Shigure walked in, interrupting his thought process and a rant that could have extended to maniacal laughter. "Um, Yuki-kun … were you just … talking to yourself?"
"Ah, no, of course not!" Yuki replied, with as much dignity as he could muster. "I was talking to Miss Honda, she just left."
Shigure raised an eyebrow, but shrugged it off and returned to his office.
"That was a close one," Yuki told himself. "Now, time to get to work!"
IIIIIIIIIII
Kyo was curled up in his bed, sleeping, and looking very much like a cat. But if you told him that, he'd probably eat you, so don't. Suddenly, Yuki kicked open the door with a crash.
"AHHHH!" Kyo yelled, leaping out of bed and falling to the ground in a heap of tangled sheets.
"Good morning, sunshine!" Yuki said brightly, holding a tray of assorted foods. He grew more hysterical with each word. "Are you hungry? Want some eggs? Bacon? Fish? SALMON?"
"Why … are you doing this?" Kyo asked, untangling himself and backing away slowly.
"Because you're my-" He cut him self off, swallowed, and forced words out between gritted teeth. "You're my … fa-fav … o … rite c-cou-oh forget it!" Yuki threw the tray behind him and dropped to his knees, grabbing the front of Kyo's shirt.
"What the-"
"TEACH ME THE WAYS OF THE BRIBE!" Yuki shrieked.
Kyo looked at his cousin with a weirded-out look, before is eyes narrowed in triumph. "HA! You couldn't bribe the CCG, could you?"
Yuki shook his head miserably.
"And you want me to teach you how?"
He nodded his head as if in pain.
With a clap of Kyo's hands, Yuki was suddenly sitting in a desk. Kyo stood in front of him, along with a white board that had appeared out of nowhere. Yuki looked around in awe, as they were suddenly in a classroom.
"Don't worry about it, I managed to get the CCG to lend me some author powers (1)." Kyo said carelessly, digging in his pocket until he found a suitable marker. "Now, there are three conditions."
Yuki looked at him eagerly and nodded. If he was the dog instead of the rat and had a tail, it would be wagging.
"One, you will address me as Sensei. Two, you will allow me to beat you in our fights. And three," here Kyo paused, and grinned wickedly, "you will do everything I say for twenty-four hours after I'm finished teaching you. Oh, and you will not insult me, hurt me, or make nasty comments. Am I understood?"
Yuki twitched and somehow managed to grumble, "Fine … Sensei."
Kyo beamed, and Yuki found that even creepier than his wicked grin. "Good boy!" He began scribbling on the board while Yuki pieced together his composure. After a few minutes, Kyo stepped back and slapped the board to get Yuki's attention.
Ways of the Bribe
Taught by Kyo Sohma
Step One: Night Club Bouncers
Step Two: Cops
Step Three: Umpires (as in baseball, you sissy rat boy!)
"… Night Club bouncers, Kyo? Are you high?"
"No, I'm not, and that was an insult, so shut the fuck up. And did I not tell you to call me sensei?" Kyo asked, affronted.
"Okay, sensei. But seriously … night club bouncers?" Yuki just couldn't get over that.
"Shows how much you know. Now, we're going to need $200 each and … some cool clothes for you."
"Hey! What's wrong with my clothes?"
"They're man preppy, and they won't let us in if you go as a man-prep," Kyo said absently, staring off into space.
"I'm not a man-prep! I'm way cool!"
There was a pause, and then Kyo was consumed by laughter. As was Shigure, who had been walking by the open door with a tray of laundry for Tohru to wash.
"Ahaha, you wish Yuki-kun," he mocked as he strolled past.
Yuki was pissed. "I have my own fanclub, which includes over 90 of the female student body!"
Kyo dismissed it with a wave of his hand, "Please. That does not make you cool."
Yuki practically growled, "Then what does?"
"Nothin' you have. Now, onto the mall!"
Yuki moaned and buried his face in his hands. What had he gotten himself into?
END(1)- Author Powers are the super-awesome, godlike ability that all writers have, in which they are able to do anything to anyone.
Angry Kitty: Like this! Gun! (is suddenly holding a gun) No gun! (the gun disappears) Gun! (is suddenly holding a gun) No gu-!
Tom: What have I told you about weapons?
Angry Kitty: Um … that they're bad?
Flipper: They make really loud noises?
Tom: No, that you can't have the safety off around people you like because you will screw up and kill them.
Angry Kitty: … I like you?
Flipper: (gulps)
Tom: (flames appear in background, uses scary demonic voice) What was that?
Angry Kitty: Uh, um, I mean, of course I like you! Best friends 'til the end! Eh heh heh!
Sassy: What about me?
Angry Kitty: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!
Sassy: Wha-WAAAAAHHHH! (sobs)
Flipper: (pats Sassy's back) It's okay, I like you.
Yuki: … Well, I sure as hell don't.
Tom: Don't worry, after this, we're going to torture ... I dunno ...Hatori instead of you.
Yuki: Oh goody.
Angry Kitty: Were you being sarcastic?
Yuki: Yes.
Tom: Well anyway! To all you lovely readers, please review!