Angry Kitty: That's the BEST you can come up with?
Sassy: YOU try it next time!
Tom: Why don't we dip into other languages?
Flipper: That could work.
Angry Kitty: … We can speak different languages?
Tom: Hell no! But we can try.
Disclaimer: Do we REALLY have to keep doing this? I mean, jeez! Natsuki Takaya does not write fanfiction! Crazy fans write fanfiction. That's why it's called "fanfiction" and not "fiction." Lyke duh.
CHAPTER THREEKyo was sprawled on the couch, completely passed out. Yuki was on the kitchen floor with coffee beans scattered around him. Last night, after going to six other clubs, Yuki had successfully bribed a (wasted) bouncer.
Tohru skipped into the kitchen, full of piss and vinegar. I mean, sugar and honey. "Maybe I'll make French toast tod-AH!" She tripped over Yuki's lifeless body and collapsed. "OH MY GOD! Yuki, are you okay?" Tohru cried, shaking him hysterically.
"Shut up," Kyo moaned, before continuing to sleep fitfully.
Shigure walked cheerfully into the room and found his vision filled with a panic-stricken Tohru.
"SHIGURE! IT'S HORRIBLE, I THINK YUKI'S DEAD!" She sobbed.
"SHUT UP!" Kyo yelled, not knowing who was yelling but knowing if they didn't stop ...
There would be blood.
"Aw, don't worry Tohru! Yuki's just passed out on the couch; they probably were out late partying and had a little too much to drink. It's probably best to just let them sleep," he said soothingly, ignoring Kyo. Inside, he was sneering. Pansies.
"B-But what about breakfast?" She sniffled.
"We'll go out! Come Tohru, as we venture to IHOP!" He said, grabbing her wrist and dragging her out the door.
IIIIIIIIIII
Four hours later, Kyo rolled over … and fell off the couch.
"MOTHER FUCKER! … Owww, too loud," he groaned, holding his head and wincing. After his eyes had adjusted to the BRIGHT and EYE-SEARING LIGHT, he spotted Yuki lying in the kitchen. Gingerly, he picked up a couch pillow and tossed it at the former.
"Eeeeehhhhh," Yuki whimpered, curling into a ball.
"Hey! Rat-boy! Get off your lazy ass and get me some fucking Excedrin."
"… Why am I in the kitchen?"
"EXCEDERIN! NOW!"
"Fine, just stop YELLING!" Yuki grimaced and held his head, stumbling to the cupboard and wondering just what the hell had happened.
FLASHBACK
Yuki and Kyo more or less staggered into the house, leaning heavily on each other, drunk out of their minds. (YAY FOR UNDER AGED DRINKING! Which is bad. Very bad. Don't drink 'til you're 21, and if you drink before that … it WAS NOT our influence.)
Kyo slumped onto the couch, stretching out contentedly. "Yo, grasshopper. Give. Me. COFFEE."
"Ya know," Yuki slurred, "you're a really nice guy, teachin' me how ta bribe da peoples." Unfortunately, he was talking to someone who had passed out right after his demand for coffee.
Just as Yuki's hand closed around the bag containing the coffee beans, the room swam and he lost consciousness, spilling coffee beans all over the floor.
END FLASHBACK
"Alrighty, time for step two!"
"… NOW?"
"Yes."
"Whyyyyyy?"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO NOW LET'S GO!" Kyo growled, snatching Shigure's car keys and simultaneously keeping his hold on Yuki.
"Whoa, I have a car?" Shigure said wonderingly. "YOU BETTER NOT TOTAL IT, YOU PUNKS!"
"BITE ME, IT'S NOT YOUR CAR!"
"… It's not?"
Hatori, who had been called by a tearful Tohru (heh), came out from behind Shigure and rolled his eyes, before they widened in realization.
"NOOOOO, MY CAAAAAR!"
IIIIIIIIIII
Kyo drove them into the middle of nowhere. Really, it was one of those roads that were built in the side of a cliff. Kyo pulled over to the side of the road and turned to Yuki.
"Okay, listen up. This is all you have to do. Start speeding like crazy, and sooner or later, a cop will pull you over. When she or he asks for your license, give her or him a $100 bill and ask, sweetly, if we can just let this one slip. Got it? Good, now drive!"
"… Uh, Kyo? You're still in the driver's seat.
"Oh, right! Well, Chinese Fire Drill!" (A Chinese Fire Drill is when you get out of the car, run around it, and switch places with some one else.)
Once Yuki was in the driver's seat, Kyo yelled, "Now DRIVE ON!
Yuki, nervously, pulled onto the street.
"Go faster."
"I'm already going 75mph in a 70mph zone!"
"Hopeless. Completely, utterly, and irrevocably hopeless." Kyo muttered, maneuvering his foot over Yuki's and stomping down on the gas. They sped down the highway, Kyo whooping and Yuki screaming.
Almost immediately, a highway patrol officer pulled them over. It was a stern-looking man with those nifty reflective sunglasses.
(Angry Kitty: Who the hell says "nifty" these days?)
(Tom: I do!)
Yuki gulped and rolled down the window as the cop ambled up to them.
"License and registration," the cop recited in a monotone voice.
"Uhhhhh …" Yuki glanced over at Kyo frantically.
"Give him the money!" Kyo hissed furiously.
But of course Yuki, being the idiot that he is, sobbed, "I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE! I'M UNDER AGED, PLEASEACCEPTTHISBRIBE!" He threw the money at the cop and buried his face in his hands. Kyo shook his own head in shame and then smacked it against the dashboard.
IIIIIIIIIII
They now sat in a jail cell. Kyo was glaring furiously at the wall and ignoring all the catcalls sent to Yuki.
One of the buffer, braver men (with tattoos like skulls and crossbones and hearts with women's names in them) stalked up to the pair. Yuki ducked behind Kyo and whimpered at the leer the man was sending him.
"So, how much to take a pretty little thing like him off your hands?" He sneered at Kyo, whose crimson eyes were slitted in a deadly rage.
"Leave. Me. Alone."
"Aw, come on. I bet we could find someone for you, too," the idiot grinned lecherously and made the mistake of trying to grab Kyo by his upper arm.
With a beastly roar and a flash of orange, the man lay beaten on the ground. Kyo wiped the blood of his hands and looked around savagely.
"ANYONE ELSE WANNA TRY ANYTHING? HUH?"
The others scattered, leaving a shaking Yuki and a still pissed off Kyo.
"OmigodthankyouKyo!" Yuki sniffed.
"Shut. Up."
"Shutting up."
It only took another half an hour for Hatori and Hatsuharu to show up and bail them out. Haru latched onto Yuki, who gained some resemblance of dignity, while Hatori lectured Kyo on the reasons why stealing his car, getting arrested, and getting said car IMPOUNDED was not a good idea.
And step two was scratched out from the plan, due to Kyo's inability to stand the shame and anger at getting arrested because Yuki was a fuck-up.
All in all? Not a productive day.
END
Tom: I went to IHOP the other day.
Flipper: Yeah? How was it?
Tom: It fucking SUCKED. I had biscuits and gravy, which is normally really good, but the gravy tasted like flour. And the biscuits weren't even BISCUITS. They were, like, some failed attempt at English muffins.
Sassy: What'd you do?
Tom: Went to McDonalds, which wasn't much better.
Yuki: Who gives a crap?
Tom: I do! And besides, we've started torturing Hatori just like we said we would in … um … one of our other stories!
Angry Kitty: Ooh, ooh! I'm gonna take Tom's job!
Flipper: … Huh?
Angry Kitty: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! We love you very much! XEye-Of-The-WolfX, The Girly Man, and mina!
Sassy: Ew, gag me with a spork.
Yuki: I'll do it! (jumps her)
Sassy: RAPE!
Angry Kitty: MURDER!
Flipper: TACOS!
Tom: … Is anyone still reading this?