The Day You Said Goodbye
By: mj0621
Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, I wouldn't be sad about the news about Mac and Peyton Driscoll but I am so… you get the point…
Rating: Teen, 13+ to be sure
Paring: SMacked angst, MacPeyton
Summary: Stella left with everyone knowing but Mac. What does Mac feel about that?
Author's Notes: This is a one shot and (sort of) sequel of my fic 'Away from You'. Before reading this, I suggest reading that one first, just to understand both fics more. Oh, this by the way is not based on a rumor anymore, it's based on season three's eppies (spoilers) /sobs and sighs/ So, this time, it's Mac's POV. I'm not good in Mac, I'm better on Stella's (and Cath's from CSI- bet you already know now one of my ships there eh? And TPTB sinks both of 'em…gr…) babbling finished on to the fic… My second romance/angsty/drama fic ever… (Obviously you already know the first).
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What if Stella left? But this time, Mac didn't follow her. –based on s3 spoilers and the fic 'Away from You'.
Mac's POV:
I never thought it would happen. She left me with everyone knowing except for me. Why did she leave me? Why didn't she say goodbye? I'm asking these questions but here I am, not doing anything… trying to be unaffected in front of everyone. My heart's plummeted… haunting me, saying it's my fault…is it?
I never found out. Days passed since she left and I never did anything about it. Having Peyton by my side helps me cling unto the bits of sanity left in me. Still, where's Stella? Why did she leave?
I didn't expect myself to take a chance between me and Peyton, but I did. (Why didn't I do it before?) She's a wonderful woman, intelligent, sweet smile, smooth brown hair…I like her…
Like… what about love?
It's been years now, this same rainy day…the day she left (me). No calls, no letters…no nothing. Emotions clash together in my mind…guilt…anger…hurt…and I admit it, no matter how many Peyton Driscoll by my side there is, nothing beats one Stella Bonasera.
Don't get me wrong, Peyton's an amazing woman. That's why until now I still believe I don't deserve her. She knows what I really feel but still, she gives me her love and patience…another chance. I feel ashamed.
I still deserve to be happy right?
Right…Whatever…
Shift today is slower than usual. It's just a case that I gave to Danny and Lindsay with Hawkes and the assistance of Flack. I stare at my computer…I'm going to search for her… through the computer. Yes, the hope of seeing her again didn't fade away in me.
Detective Stella Bonasera…searching… none found…
I feel my heart drop and shatter for the thousandth time. Same feelings return in my mind again…guilt…anger…hurt…
Shift ends…
I stare at the folders on my desk. A voice wakes me from my thoughts…
"You coming home?"
My eyes landed on her, Peyton. "Uh, yeah…after I finish this." I point at the mess in front of me and give her a small smile. "You go ahead." She nods. "Okay. You have your keys?"
"Yeah. You take the car." She walks towards me and gives me a peck on my lips. "Just don't stay late okay? I'll be waiting for you at home."
I gave her my own nod as she left. Flashes of Stella forcing me to go home come into mind.
I miss her.
No doubt. No point hiding it. She still lingers in my brain… I need a drink. I made up my mind and go to the bar where me and the gang used to go…usually me and her…to forget our horrific cases…to have fun…to forget…relax…even for a while.
"Mac! It's been a long time! What will you have?" the bartender greets me as I take a seat by the counter. I try to give him a smile…did it work?
"Still know my usual?"
He grins at me and nods. "Of course I do!" He feels the tension surrounding me and looks at the calendar behind him. His jaw drops. He knows this day of course. Stella and the gang made this place their last place to drink together…Flack told me. This place is one of her favorites… the bartender remembers this.
"Oh, uh… Lemme get you a drink…"
I'm drunk, a bit paralyzed and dizzy…I don't remember how many drinks I had… rather pointless counting them now eh? I burry my face in my arms to make this dizziness fade so I could go home and sleep.
I close my eyes… minutes passes by… I heard a conversation coming beside me…
"He's here?" a woman whispers.
Is that the voice of my Stella?
It's like my body's against me… I can't move…
The whisperings continue…
"I only saw him tonight…first time in a long time…"
"…well, can I ask you a favor John?"
"Sure. Anything I can do. What is it?"
"Give him this letter when he's awake ok?"
"Aren't you going to talk to him?"
"…It's…No… I can't…he can't…"
"I understand. Ok, I'll give it to him. Don't worry."
"Thanks."
I feel lips on my cheek…the same spot Stella kissed me once… I tried to call the woman but it was barely a whisper…
"Stella…"
John the bartender wakes me up. I look at him groggily. "Mac, wake up. We're closing."
My eyes widen. "How long was I asleep?"
He offers me a glass of water. "Two and a half hours. Listen, I have to give you something…"
I look at him expectantly.
"She was here an hour ago. Told me to give you this. She was really surprised to see you here."
"What is it?" I croaked. He gave me a letter. I was about to open it when somebody pats on my shoulder. I turned to see…
Flack. John explained "I can't let you drive after the drinks you had."
"Thanks."
John smiled. "No problemo detective… Flack? He'd gone through a lot tonight…
Flack agreed. "Yeah, I know. I figured. Come on Mac. Let me take you home. Peyton's worried."
"Okay."
We were by the door when John called us. "Hey! guys! Just to let you know, it's been a long time since Stella's been here too. It's the first time in years. I dunno a thing."
Flack nods. "Thanks for the info."
Peyton answered the door and let us in. It's like she already expected me to do this. She wipes my forehead with a warm towel and thanks Flack as he left.
"Anything for ya guys."
I know she saw the letter in my pocket but she never asked or mentioned about it. Slowly…I again feel my sleepiness overpowering me.
I wake up on the couch four hours before shift starts. I sit up and rub my head. I wonder where's Peyton? … I crept into the corridor to see her in the room, her figure lying down still sleeping. I slowly close the door and walk towards the kitchen for coffee.
The warm dark substance flows in my stomach. I ruffled my hair with my fingers and try to wake myself up. I suddenly remember what happened last night…The Letter… I immediately fish for the folded paper in my pocket. Her beautiful cursive handwriting appears and thoroughly, I read it.
Mac,
How are you? Don't worry, I'm quite fine. I know its been a long time and I've been a very bad friend. I'm sorry I never told you why I left or where I am now nor why I didn't tell you I was leaving. I still can't. I couldn't take the risk of destroying something I cherish the most in my life… probably, I already did. I know you have a lot of questions for me and I'm afraid this letter has no answers for those. I do want you to know one thing though. I love you Mac Taylor and still do. I want you to be happy and enjoy your life. I know she'll take care of you, she loves you Mac. You are very lucky to have her.
I don't know if we'll see each other again. I don't think I'm ever gonna be ready. Please don't feel bad. I know you would. I love you and you'll always be my best friend and the man I will love forever. ( I was going to say boss too but …)
Stella
P.S.
Say hi to the gang for me and thanks to Flack for always helping you in the best way he can. I miss them a lot…Missing you the most…
I honestly don't know what to feel…happy that she's okay? Angry because she didn't let me see her nor answer my questions? O guilty because I love her and she loves me back and I didn't do anything about it?
She wrote me this letter to tell me she loves me…now I feel sick…I never got the chance to tell… I'll never forgive myself…this will haunt me… I wasted time…again!
I'll never forget your curly brown hair. I'll never forget how your eyes sparkle in a way that only I could see. I'll never forget your soft lips that landed on my cheeks twice…Never.
Last night was the day you left years ago…and the same day, hours ago, finally, I can say that that sad day was the day you said goodbye.
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A/N: I know it's not that good and I made some mistakes… my bad. I just have to write another angst/drama for SMacked. I think I'm gonna write another one (last one I hope). Another 'sort of' sequel for 'Away from You' and this fic 'The Day You Said Goodbye'. It's scene is in between the two fics… Stella writes Peyton a letter before she leaves… does that sound good? Okay…going to Thoughts' half done chap eight now… Please Review! mj0621(wgf)