Title: There's Us
Rating: T I guess
Disclaimer: If Degrassi belonged to me, there would be no Manny. Or Darcy for that matter.
Summary: They say you can't really sing a love song until you know heartbreak. And they're right. Crellie. Songfic.
A/N: Random little one shot that popped into my head. Hope it makes sense. : ) And yeah, my spellcheck's still out. Overlook the boo boos.
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"I can't do this." The nerves are so bad I swear I can feel the blood rushing throughout every part of my body and hear the sound of it in my ears. God, how does Craig do this?
Yeah, it was a bad idea to think of Craig. It if weren't for him, I wouldn't even be in this mess right now.
"Yes, you can." Marco assurred me. "El, you've done this before. You'll be fine."
"No, I've done this as a drummer, and a guitar player. Never as a singer. There's a reason I'm backup." How did I let myself get talked into this? Oh yeah. Marco. Like he hasn't caused enough problems in my life as it is.
"You're backup by choice. Easier to hide when someone else is in the spotlight." He says simply. Ouch. That stings.
"El," he takes hold of my hand, "you were chosen for a reason."
Chosen? More like punished. If I had known that I would end up here, I never would have done it.
Ash peeps around the curtain. "Everything okay back here?"
"Everything is far from okay back here." I say, beginning to pace around again.
She offers up the same encouraging crap that Marco did before they head back to the table where Jimmy, Dylan and my roommate, Anna, are waiting. Some friends I have, leaving all alone with my panic.
Let's get one thing straight here. I'm a journalism student. As in serious news. I only took that creative writing course to satisfy my Humanities credit. Had I had even the slightest inkling that there would be a songwriting contest involved, all you would have seen of me was a flash of red running for the hills at top speed.
But suprise, suprise I won and now I was being forced to sing my song in front of actual people in a club downtown that my professor's husband owns.
Someone, anyone, if you have even the smallest shred of compassion you'll kill me now.
"El." Marco steps cautiously back around the curtain. "There's um, someone out here to see you."
"Who?" Everybody I want here is already here. The only other person I can think of that would show up is Jesse, and I sincerely hope it's not him. Our breakup was uber bad.
"Craig."
That one name, one word, just makes my heart plummet through the concrete floor below me. How is it possible, when I haven't seen Craig Manning in almost six months, that he would show up here of all places on the night I'm being forced to humiliate myself for a grade?
"Cr..Craig?" God, I hate when I stutter like an idiot. "What the hell is Craig doing here? How did he even know we would be here? What is he even doing back in Toronto?"
I'm pacing again, worrying my hands through my hair and seeing shades of embarassments of all kinds before this night is over.
"Whoa." Marco grabs my arm to stop me. "El, calm down."
"But Craig..."
"Don't think about it. Just breath." He begins breathing in quick, even spurts and I burst out laughing."What? I'm trying to help." He pushes his lower lip out in a pout, and I can't help but hug him tightly. "You're doing lamaze breathing Marco. I'm in panic mode, not labor."
We laugh, and the tension melts a bit. Still clutching him, I whisper "How can I do it? How can I go out there and sing that song with him here, listening to me?"
"It's just Craig."
"There is no 'just Craig' Marco. Not to me."
He pulls back and looks into my eyes, searching for the truth I won't, can't say. "You still like him." It's a statement, not a question, and he knows the truth without my even having to answer.
"The song is about him." I pull away amd collapse onto the small couch set up backstage. Looking at my hands folded in my lap, I know that this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to say. "I love him Marco." I whisper. "I love him so much it hurts. And I can't get over it." The tears finally spill over and I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic and girly, crying over a guy I never even had.
I can't even look at Marco as he sits beside me, an arm going around my shoulders to pull me against him. "Shh." He rubs my back comfortingly. "All you have to do is get through your song and we'll deal with the rest later. I'm here El. Promise."
"Ellie?" My professor, Mrs. Winters, is there, telling me it's time to go on. Marco is smiling and wishing me luck and I know there's no way to avoid it now. I have to go out there and lay my heart wide open for everyone to see. Including the one person that has his name written all across it.
He's all I see as soon as Mrs. Winters introduces me and I'm up there at that microphone. Lifiting my guitar over my head and beginning to strum the first chords, the only thing I'm aware of are those eyes, as big and brown and desperately warm as they've ever been, gazing up at me with the same friendly affection they've ever had. They say you can't really sing a love song until you know heartbreak and they're right. Until you know what it's like to have the one person you want more than anything not want you, you just can't understand. The words are just that, words. Once you know...they become a part of you.
'Deep breath Nash, you can do this'. I see him, see those eyes, and know this may be the only chance I ever have to tell him how I really feel. If I don't do this now, I may never get the chance again.
"There's me, lookin' down at my shoes
The one smiling like the sun, that's you
What were you thinking, what was the song inside your head?
There's us, going on about a band
Working out how we play our hands
I lay there dreaming, lay there all alone in my bed
If I was stupid, maybe careless
So were you"
I glance back over at Marco, still backstage, smilling that little fairy (no pun intended) godfather like smile of his at me and I go on. He's known me like no one else and understands why this is so huge for me as only he can. My own little cheering section and safety net. He'll root for me know, and pick me up when I fall apart later. That's what he does.
Not everything is suppossed to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's us
Craig is smiling too. The smile of someone watching his friend doing something cool and different and maybe even great. He knew I liked to blend in, fade into the backround of the band and let they guys have the limelight. I was never there for stardom anyway. I was there for him and I think some tiny part of him knew that, even then.
Freeze frame, I'm not about to cry
It's too late for us to change, why try?
I've got a camera tucked away inside my heart
If I'm a loser, or just unlucky
So are you
Not everything is suppossed to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's us
Ash has her head on Jimmy's shoulder, blue eyes full of sympathy. I've never admitted it, but I know she knows how I feel about Craig. She nods at me, a silent confession. She was the only one besides my teacher who read the song. She invited Craig here tonight. For a long time, her entire world consisted of the boy sitting beside her now and she was giving me her blessing. Ash had moved on, and she wanted me to be happy. I smiled at her and nodded back, letting her know I got it.
Somewhere between then and now, I looked away
When you said we'll never change
And if you think what might have been
You lose today
And we've got songs to play
Not everything is suppossed to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's us
There's us
There's us"
My throat is constricing when I finish, my emotions having got the best of me. Hot tears blur my vision as the crowd begins to applause, Jimmy whistling and Anna standing on her chair while she claps. Amazingly enough, the whole crowd seems to like it, all standing and screaming at me in appreciation. Marco looks like a proud parent watching their baby take it's first steps. I spy Jesse by the door, smiling indulgently as his hands move in time with the rest of the patrons.
Except one.
Craig is still in his chair. He has this expression on his face I've only seen when he's doing Calculus. Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Like he knows that there's somehing he doesn't quite get, but could if only he could reach out and grab it. Locking onto those eyes I know so well I let my mouth twist into the tiniest of smiles, admiting the truth I could never say aloud to him.
I see it click for him and his whole face changes. The boy that has haunted my thoughts for over a year, and he finally knows. And he knows that I know. It's not everything, but it's a start. Maybe now I can find some peace.
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A/N: Yeah...I told you it was random. Opinions? Thoughts? Flames? Send em my way.