Title: The Diary of Severus Snape 2/7
Authors: TrinityTheSheDevil and LeggyLover03
Rating: T (Teen) at least!
Genre: Humor
Warnings: Completely AU and totally OOC. If you're here looking for canon, please go elsewhere. We're so far off the mark it isn't even funny ... but ... yet it is funny! Mwahahahaha.
Summary: The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. (Written with LeggyLover03.)

A/N:

I'm sorry if I did not respond to any reviews. It seems that I - somehow - accidentally put the site on block and therefore wasn't able to receive anything. (Quite aggravating, I assure you, since I have no idea what fics have been updated in the entire time that the site was on block. Grr.) It has been fixed now, and we hope that you all enjoy this chapter as much as the first one. Don't worry, it is just as - if not more - evil. Hehe!

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Year 2

September -

Back to Hogwarts already it seems. And Harry Potter's second year. I immediately knew that the year would be just as bad as his first, when he and that dratted friend of his crashed the flying car into the Whomping Willow. Honestly, how could one be so stupid as to hit ... nevermind. I thought it would be a good thing to bring them to my office and give them a stern talking to, as well as a few dark glares. Wrong, wrong, wrong again.

While I had my back turned lecturing them - I know, I've learned from my lesson now, okay? - they let loose something small and furry in my office. It hid in the bookcase.

After they left the office and I had settled down at my desk to enjoy a good book, the furry thing crept up my robe and bit me. The damn squirrel was obviously blind, for I do not think those were the nuts it was looking for.

It probably wouldn't have been so bad if Lockhart hadn't burst in at just that moment. As he watched me beat at my crotch with my wand, he automatically thought that I had ... what was it he called it ... "Incatious Nether Biting Fungus" or some rubbish, and hexed me.

Or well, hexed my crotch.

I now have to venture to the hospital ward, since the idiot froze the squirrel and his teeth into a very sensitive area, and hope that Pomfrey is able to help me. I do hope he has permanent damage from me bashing him with that book, since he was pawing at my robe to see if his hex worked.

October -

I have managed once again to try and maim Potter. I do hope my plan works though for the last time I was thwarted. I had gone to Potter's room to hide in his wardrobe and scare the shit out of him, literally, but I was suddenly not alone any longer.

To my surprise in walked Ginerva Weasley. I smirked thinking she would be an easy target to push aside before Potter arrived so I stepped out from my hiding place. I was not prepared for what happened next.

The small child thrashed me about the head with a book, and when I fell to my knees she planted her, what seemed like size ten foot straight into my testicles. I gasped, and then I laid on the floor clutching them screaming, but she was not through yet. I watched as she tore apart the room like a crazed person. This is not a child of Gryffindor, this is someone possessed.

I heard footsteps and went to try to get away but she turned on me, wand at the ready and yelled Engorgio! I fell back down as she ran out the door but not before kicking me again.

Much to my dismay Potter and his friends walked in while I was screaming some nonsense about "my balls, for the love of Merlin my balls!"

They fell over in laughter, and it did nothing or my reputation when I had to walk dragging my now engorged testicles out of the room. As I passed over a fallen shoe I screamed and picked them up. There shall be payback in the form of scrubbing urinals, but now for some odd reason I do believe I fear the youngest Weasley child.

November -

One has to wonder what deity is watching over Potter from above. As I formed my latest plan to get back at the brat, I was interrupted in the form of a very angry house elf, who had been keeping an eye on the boy.

I must now go and find some ice for the lumps I can feel forming on my head, as for the past half hour I have been beaten by the elf while he screamed "BAD SEVERUS, BAD SEVERUS!" and thrashed me with what looked like a candle holder. He is fast, for someone knee high and wearing a pillow case.

He has been added to my list of Potter Supporters and therefore, is now my enemy.

December -

Potter is here again at Christmas! Is there no justice in this world. I have learned to avoid the punch, remembering last year, but I have let my guard down and I am now paying the price.

I made the mistake of falling asleep while I was reading one of my Potions books in my study. Now mind you I don't usually leave the door unlocked, but this time I did, my mistake. Potter and his friends came in and apparently drugged my tea. I did not find out about it till two hours later when I found myself dressed in a red suit that would not come off.

Before I could fully wake I noticed I was riding atop a broom, no - head fuzzy - in that damned car. Potter and Weasley are smirking at me, and I try to hex them, but my wand must be back at Hogwarts. I yell, I scream for them to stop and suddenly they do.

Potter opened the door, while Weasley pinned a note to the front of my red suit and then the bastard pushed me out the door.

I fell, fearing I would die before I hit the ground I shit myself, but I was relieved when I floated safely to touch down, that was till the villagers came out. It was only then that I read the note on my suit.

Eat well, Love Santa Claus. I am now being chased by hungry Ethiopians. Skinny, and malnourished they are, but a hungry Ethiopian has no issues with beating you to death in order to eat your asscheeks for dinner it seems. For now I must run faster, but later Potter must die.

January -

Lockhart must die.

Last night, at the dinner table, he made the comment that I should release my inner beauty and let it shine for the world. I told him the only thing I would release for him would be gas, and in his general direction. He brushed the insult off and started on another topic; I had thought the matter dropped.

As I turned a corner this morning, he caught me unawares and with a flick of his wrist, a blue light shot from his wand and enveloped me. When I awoke, I was in the hospital wing, staring at two of the biggest boobs I had ever seen.

Attached to me.

Pomfrey is at a lost as to how to remove them and Lockhart insists that the spell was not suppose to work in that fashion, although the boobs did look very nice if he did say so himself. He then asked me what I was doing for dinner and if I would like to autograph pictures with him.

I do hope the vase to the testicles hurt him as much as I think it did.

Now, until the spell can be reversed, I shall hide in my dungeon away from prying eyes.

Although, the boobs ARE in fact rather nice, according to my reflection. Who knew?

February -

This is the month for love, and I am in no mood. Lockhart has been going on and on about his many daring saves, and about his good looks. I for one see nothing in him that I find endearing. Dumbledore has assured me that the twins will not be hexing me again this week, but I have assured him that he is a fool if he thinks this.

It seems the Chamber of Secrets has been opened, and Dumbledore has informed Lockhart he could create a Dueling Club. That man could not hex his way out of a paperbag, much less a fight with Death Eaters.

I arrive to the Club and find him flaunting about, silly man. He then actually has the nerve to test my abilities with a wand and soon finds himself flat of his back. I stare at him and think this is a good position for him to be in, one of servitude, probably with himself.

He sends Potter up next, and of course I send Draco to hex the boy but Potter does not aim for Draco he aims for me and I find myself wondering where the buzzing noise is coming from. I have not time to find out because Draco released a viper on Potter and now I must kill it, or have Dumbledore kill me, but as I go to move the buzzing is louder. I wrinkle my brow and find that I can now see Lockhart, but for some reason he has no clothing on when I see him.

It is now night time and I am going to hex Lockhart if it is the last thing I do. I sneak down to his room as only I can, and open the door. What I found inside scared me more than the sight of the Dark Lord. I have found the explanation for the buzzing noise, and have been asked to join him in his festivities.

I closed the door quickly and ran for it. Tonight I must purge all visions from my head. It shall be a long night spent by the pensieve.

March -

I finally got that Potter back, haha! Take that pansy boy!

The overlarge snake that is terrorizing the school gave me such a brilliant idea. I conjured the image of a snake, and then attacked Potter in the shower. I have never seen him squeal like a girl like that before, but I was greatly amused. Even better was when he tried to run and slipped on the bar of soap, skidding across the shower floor.

I have not laughed like that in ages.

-A week later-

Okay so Potter released a giant female gorilla in my room while I was out. Said female gorilla was in heat. Never have I had such a wild night, but now the animal is sated, I am tainted, and when I can pry her gorilla hands from something very important, I shall have Dumbledore obliviate me.

April -

The month for pranks, so it seems. I have been bitten, ravaged by mice while I slept, and even been paraded nude down the hall, all thanks to Potter and his friends.

I am quite sure that the Chamber of Secrets is indeed some elaborate scheme of his also. The Heir of Slytherin my ass.

I found him and his friends apparently hatching up some new thing in the hallway and dragged them into the nearest room to question them about it, only to discover it was the girl's bathroom.

At the moment I shrugged it off as no one was in there and proceeded to stun Weasley, and then turn on Potter. I gave him a lecture and then tried to figure out the best way to kill him and still look innocent. I figure maybe Dumbledore would believe possibly that the boy drowned and try shoving his head in the toilet.

It was then that Ginerva walked in again, looking quite frazzled. The little bitch knocked me back, and then from the toilet yet another girl appeared. I have never in all my life seen two girls so insistent that I should die a slow painful death, but these two were.

The small child jumped upon my kidneys like they were a trampoline all the while grunting. I pissed myself three times before she stopped and that was only to shove my head into the toilet.

Both girls left and this is the moment Dumbledore decided to walk in. I have tried to convince him that there was a ghost, a childlike girl ghost, but seeing as he found me with piss on me, with my head in a toilet calling for her to come back I was not believed.

Potter was taken to the hospital ward while I was sent to my room and told to freshen up.

Great way to spend The Day of Fools, walking back to my room, crushed kidney, smelling of piss, and now the Headmaster thinks I talk to the wee people that live in the toilet.

May -

With the warmer weather, one would think that this would be a good time to be out and about. Alas, yet again, I am proved wrong.

As I walked into a very secret part of the castle, on the roof, a strange noise assaulted my ears. Curious now to find out what it was, I crept closer for a look. I really didn't need to, it seems.

I came upon McGonagall and Lockhart, sharing a picnic under the sun. As she was laid out, clad in but a red g-string, Lockhart danced bare around her doing the jiggle wiggle for her amusement.

Some things are not meant to be jiggled or wiggled and I hexed it as soon as I saw it.

McGonagall is furious that I ruined her night of fun and as for Lockhart ... well I am sure it can be reattached.

June -

Finally, the students are leaving, and thankfully Potter cannot stay for the duration of the Summer, no matter how much he wants to. Pfft.

Lockhart has been reduced to a blathering idiot, as if he wasn't before, and Tom Riddle's diary was destroyed. I knew that girl was possessed, I just knew it.

And apparently, Harry left me with a parting gift for the summer. A very big, very colorful box sat on my desk, with a bow on top. Eyeing it warily, I switched the nametag and sent it to Dumbledore.

As I watch the old wizard fall out of his window with what looks like flames shooting from his anus, I know I did the right thing. Poor Albus, I shall have to buy the man some Depends later.

For now, I will rest this diary until September, when the school year starts again.

Always,
Severus Snape

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TBC