Title: The Diary of Severus Snape 3/7
Authors: TrinityTheSheDevil and LeggyLover03
Rating: M (Mature)
Genre: Humor
Warnings: Completely AU and totally OOC. If you're here looking for canon, please go elsewhere. We're so far off the mark it isn't even funny ... but ... yet it is funny! Mwahahahaha.
Summary: The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. (Written with LeggyLover03.)

A/N:

Thanks to everyone for all the reading/reviewing, keep it up:)

Sorry for the rating change. However our tainted minds came up with this and ... well, you'll see. Enjoy, or at least try to. Oh and we are not responsible for people laughing themselves to death.

-

Year 3

September -

Year three and the assh-, sorry, professor that has taken the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is none other than Remus Lupin. What the hell? Oh yes, Dumbledore, brilliant idea there. Employ a werewolf to work with students ... not to mention a werewolf who was good friends with James Potter and Sirius Black. Pfft. Oh and Sirius escaped from Azkaban. To come here and team up with his godson, no doubt. I shall hex him on sight if I see him, for the memory of being turned into a female dog in heat is still inscribed into my brain and I will never forgive him for that.

October -

Here we are again at the Halloween feast. I have been made to come from my dungeons to join in the festivities by Albus. I must learn to say no to that man someday. The night was dreadful from the start as he sat me beside Lupin of all people. I loathe the man, and yet I fear what he becomes.

I was drinking my spiked pumpkin juice, as I had mixed a bit of Firewhiskey in with it before the others arrived. I should have known that my night would not go well when I saw Potter and his friend Weasley staring at me grinning.

Unknown to me they had spiked my punch, and not knowing it had whiskey in it made the potion have adverse results. I am still shamed by them even now as I write this.

After the fourth glass the room seemed to be growing hotter and hotter. I was in my usual attire, but found that it was too constricting so I removed my pants and sat there in bliss, now much cooler. It was not until downing two mores drinks that the band began to play, and I found the sudden urge to dance.

I climb onto the table forgetting my pants were now gone, and walked the length of it. The music made me sway my hips to and fro, and I was soon doing movement I thought impossible and yet they were very amusing to me. McGonagall was not amused and she promptly fainted as my bare ass passed her by. Flitwick being so short was trying to look at his plate, and Hagrid found it was not so great being tall if the height brought you eye level to my balls that were dangling freely now in his face.

It was none of these people I cared about as I walked to stand in front of Lupin. Years he and his bunch taunted me and I wanted to show him how I really adored him. I started singing as the students were hustled out the door. The song was one I had often heard coming from the girls dormitory.

"It's raining men!" I started singing in front of Lupin, as I swung my jewels to and fro in front of him. He promptly pointed his wand at me but I cared not. I grabbed my wang and started to twirl it in front of his plate, but that was a mistake. He first turned a shade of green, and then the bastard thumped me in my nuts. I must say it hurt, and I was then unceremoniously dragged from the table by Albus.

I begged him to obliviate Potter but he wouldn't, and now I must think of my own way to kill him before he reveals anything.

November -

Finally having come up with a brilliant plan to get Potter and all his friends back for the trauma and torture they have caused me, I put invisible barriers on all of their toilets. Needless to say when they went to the bathroom, their piss rebounded and splattered them all, making them late for class yet not wanting to say why. It was amusing if I do not say so myself and I congratulated myself on a job well done.

That was, until, I woke up one night with something furry on top of me and something breathing on my nuts.

Potter and his usual gang stood by my bed - how they got in I do not know but I will find out - and Harry had his wand pointed at me. Ron then held a large mirror up that allowed me to see myself and ... what had appeared to be a werewolf on the bed with my jewels in its mouth, drooling on my precious attachments as if it were a slab of steak.

I am not afraid to admit here I was rather terrified, not only of the fact that this animal - at the time I thought was Lupin - could bite my nuts off, but also turn me into a werewolf.

Harry then told me that I was to report to class the next day clad in nothing but a pink fur coat, stockings, and high heels, and that I had to swear it on a wizard's vow.

Well when one's nuts are in the mouth of an animal who could chew them up like soft candy, one will agree to anything. (The animal, I later learned, was merely an average dog, but I had been hexed while I slept to mistake it for a werewolf.)

I am thankful that Albus once again obliviated the entire student body, and I have learned that walking in high heels is not as easy as it seems.

December -

Potter's family should all be wiped off the face of the earth, seriously. I was having a wonderful day enjoying the solitude of my dungeon and fell asleep. My dreams were strange and I felt very odd as if I could not wake from them. Little did I know the bastard Potter with the help of the Granger girl had put something in my drink.

I awoke to find myself covered in bits of tape. This normally would not have been a problem, but I am a hairy man, by genetics, and the tape was in every area of my body. I went to pull off the first piece as my wand had somehow been removed from my pillow when Potter walked in, Remus tagging along behind him.

"Get out!" I yelled, but they didn't of course. Remus offered to help me, and he snatched one of the pieces from my chest off. Sweet Merlin that hurt, and I had to grit my teeth to keep from yelling. Potter snickered and ran out the door and soon came back in with Albus, I was relieved.

Albus told me that the tape could not be removed magically, but had to be removed by the person who had placed it there. I thought the man was mental, but he looked serious.

"Potter!" I yelled, and sure enough he came over, grinning all the while.

"You will be in detention for a month for this!" I yelled at him, but he told me it was worth it, as he and the Weasley boy started ripping pieces of tape. I bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood, and saw Minerva walk in and gasp. If I had known that Dumbledore was paying me back for my surliness I would have choked Potter, but he only revealed that to Minerva at the time. Now I understand the smile on her face.

Potter removed all but three pieces, those residing on and around my nuts. Weasley took great pleasure in snatching the first piece off as I screamed out, but I was damned and determined not to scream again as it sent him into a fit of giggles. The second piece was even worse and again I had to scream. Potter and Weasley were beside themselves laughing.

Potter places his fingers on the last piece a look of pure joy on his face at the pain to come, and yanked. I screamed like a girl, Potter and Weasley gasping for air in their laughter, but having one's hair removed in such a way also caused me to lose body control and I pissed on myself and Potter and his friend.

I feel it was a just payment for damages done as they choked on my piss. I am now hairfree, and ready for revenge, but they shall not soon forget the taste either.

January -

It seems Potter may be running out of ideas on how to have me killed and/or maimed by the Dark Lord, so he has reverted back to improving old ones. I seem to remember nearly stirring the Lord's potion with a rubber imitation of the male anatomy, however this is far worse than that time and I have been cursed many times for it.

As we stood in a circle - we being me, the deatheaters, and the Dark Lord - You-Know-Who called me forth to again proclaim my loyalty to him. Pfft. If he only knew, the rotten bastard that he is. Ahem. Anyway.

I stood before him, and though he may be a bastard, he is still a sight to behold. I remember the reason why I decided to join him when I was young - after all, as impressive and powerful as he looked, he had to be going somewhere good in life, right? But I'm getting off topic here. I stood calmly before him and kneeled on one knee, awaiting his task. That was when my pocket started vibrating, quite loudly.

With wide eyes, I decided to ignore it, but the Dark Lord hissed in anger and informed me to empty my pockets for him. Cringing inwardly, I slipped my hand around the buzzing object and held it up for his inspection.

That was when it had started to sing, in an annoying high pitched voice ...

"Pussy, pussy, oh my pussy,
I'm the amazing pocket pussy!
Whether you are a fugly dick,
Or have some problems with your stick,
I'm the wonderful miracle for you,
Here to make your dreams come true!
I'm the vibrating, jiggling, bundle of joy,
Here to be your own playtoy,
So Dark Lord come and play with me,
I will be your fantasy!"

There was dead silence for all of a minute before He hissed, "Is this some joke, Severus?"

I honestly could not answer, still staring at the vibrating thing in my hand that had conjured a little hat and cane and had formed a dance to the song that was now repeating itself. When I said nothing, He proceeded to hex me over and over, flinging curses at me left and right. I could not retaliate because that would have meant certain death.

As I sit here writhing on the ground, barely recovered from the curses, I realize several things. One, I am alone in a part of the woods that is so secluded that I doubt even Dumbledore could get to. Two, I will absolutely kill Potter the next time I see him. And three, the Dark Lord has left me here and taken the pocket pussy with him.

This surely has to be my lowest moment.

February -

This is what they call the month of love. I scoff at the idea, and have found that I usually spend my day making antidotes for the love potions silly girls put upon unsuspecting boys in the school. This is the case again this year, and I have enlisted the help of the third year and above classes.

They have shown for some reason great knowledge in this spell and I cannot fathom why. I no longer care as the last patient has been treated and I have returned to my room to get some much needed rest.

As I entered something told me someone had been in my room, and I was at once on alert. I checked every inch of the sitting room and then the bedroom but found nothing out of place. It was not until I went into the kitchen that I found it, a statue of Argus Filch.

To say any picture or statue of the insufferable squib is beyond sickening is without question, but as I peered closer I could see this one was chocolate. Turning away from it I went to bed.

It was around three in the morning when I sat up thinking more and more about the chocolate. It wasn't as if anyone had ever gotten me any chocolate, and now I found myself craving it. Without lighting anything other than the tip of my wand I made it into the kitchen and stared again at the chocolate statue before a smile crossed my face.

In my mind I knew it was wrong, but I am not known for being very sweet. With a small knife I carved a section of the chocolate out and carried it back to my bed. I sat in my bed munching happily on the chocolate, and went back to sleep, an even more devious smile on my face.

It was screams that awoke me, horrifying screams, like the ones I heard at meetings with the Dark Lord. I jumped from my bed and ran into the kitchen, just as Lupin, Dumbledore, Sirius, and Minerva tumbled from the floo, wands drawn.

We all followed the screams and they led to the statue, the one that the night before had been chocolate but that was now quite alive, and my face fell.

The churning of my stomach was out of control and soon I found myself heaving all over Dumbledore's shoes, while Black and Lupin rolled about the floor laughing. I did not find anything amusing at all as I grabbed onto the Headmaster's leg trying to keep from retching again on his shoes, but each time I heard Filch scream I retched again.

March -

The weather is finally improving somewhat, so for once I decided to go out of the dungeon for a class. It is a rare thing but one that I indulge in once every few years. My mistake that I was outside when Potter had class with me.

We were studying the poisons of the Axodile root, a plant that whithers in the darkness and only springs in direct sunlight. It in itself was the reason I had decided to have class outside today. Class went relatively well, with little mishaps.

Well, until Potter accidentally dropped a beaker full of the strained solution of the root. And it splattered ... all over me.

The poison itself is not fatal, but can be if mixed with the right ingredients. I, however, am not so dumb as to let Potter and his gang mix a fatal concoction that could very well kill me. There is no solution for the poison either, it simply has to wear off.

In the true sense, it is not a poison. But it is called one because of the havoc it creates. The root, when introduced to bare skin, makes the skin secrete a pheromone that attracts male unicorns. It is their mating call.

I suppose it was amusing for Potter to see not one, not two, but three unicorns jump from the forest and attack me to the ground. I am sure they got a very good laugh watching the unicorns chase me around the school until Dumbledore was finally able to stop them, though not quite in time. Let us just say I am glad the unicorns have poor aim.

I have spent the remainder of the week in my room with the door locked, rocking back and forth and attempting to obliviate myself of the images that are sure to haunt me for the rest of my life.

April -

It is a great pleasure to know that in a couple of months the Potter gang will be out of my hair. Those three continue to test my limits, and I find myself wishing to banish them to some deserted island.

It seems however fate is against me. Earlier today they, or better yet Ms. Granger learned how they used to banish wizards to an remote island. I know I fell asleep in history of magic class, but Ms. Granger no, and she of course has shared what she has learned with Potter and Weasley.

I was enjoying a nice cup of tea in the Great Hall when I felt the familiar tug behind my navel to alert me to the port key, and I landed in some remote part of the desert. At first I thought it was Voldemort, but no. Soon I was surrounded by villagers in loincloths. It would appear I was something strange to them, and they conversed to themselves in some strange tongue.

I was not worried until I was pushed down, and one of them removed my shoe. Now this in itself is strange but when the small man began sucking on my toes and then shaking his head happily to the others I grew very worried.

There was salt brought out and vegetables and I soon found myself stripped happily by several women who left lots to be desired. I mean really had these women never heard of a bra?

Soon there was dancing, by the women and unfortunately the naked men. I must say to see thirty naked men, with wooden sticks holding up their peckers, was most disturbing, but it was when the very large woman began to beat me beside my head in some sort of rhythm with her breasts that I was shocked.

The crowds cheered as I fought to get away. As if the dance were not enough, the villagers then placed me in a pot of water, bound by my hands, and each member of the tribe came to the pot and urinated in it.

This is how I found myself, surrounded by short naked men and women, sitting in a pot full of piss while the shortest one of the tribe continued to suck upon my toes.

I took off running, fear gripping me, and the villagers followed. I passed several others people calling for help, but they just joined in the chase. Minutes later quite out of breath and hiding in the nearby bush, I wondered who had sent me here, and it came to me.

Potter! I yelled, and as if by magic a portal appeared across the small field. All I had to do was get there, so I took off running. Big mistake as the crowd found me and were determined to get to me first.

Only fifty feet, and I was jumped on and thrown to the ground. I did not think it possible but the woman with the large breasts hanging to her navel flung the huge things at my head and I found myself staggering and then falling to the ground. It was here I prayed for death, and the last sight I saw was the small mans testicles dangling over my face as he found that I had fingers and they should be sucked too with glee.

I woke to find Potter and Weasley over me. I glared at them, but they took off running as I seemed to have pulled the small man through the portal with me. I thought the day could get no worse, but it did when Black walked in followed by Potter. Now I only wish for death.

May -

I wonder, how in the world I have managed to survive as I have. Looking back, it seems an amazing feat. And it is ... a lesser man would have given up years ago, I'm sure.

So when I opened the door to my room last night, the sight of a naked house elf dancing around on my bed only caused me to sigh and shake my head. Leaning out the door, I called for Potter to remove his friend before I decided to give him clothes, or my booted foot up his ass.

Revenge was sweet though, and I hope Potter enjoyed the pay-by-the-hour goblin I sent to his bed to wait for him after he was done with Quidditch practice.

June -

I thank Merlin every year, when the summer months get here for then I will be free from the likes of Potter and his gang for a few precious months. I am almost so happy I could smile as I watch them go upstairs to pack their things for the train, but my happiness is short lived.

I am to go with the teachers to supervise their departure, and I can think of no sweeter gift than to see them leaving knowing that I got rid of that bastard Lupin.

Potter seems crushed, and I hide my smirk, behind a glare. It was as he was loading into the carriages to go home, and I myself loaded into one, that their parting gift was bestowed upon me. Inside the carriage was Black and with him was Lupin. They smiled at me, and I paled for this could not be good.

Lupin has always been stronger though I am loathe to admit it, and he held me down as Black pulled down his trunk and pulled something from it. I was horrified, I was repulsed and again I found the small man latching onto my fingers.

The two of them watched in amusement, as Lupin placed a body bind on me. They even laughed gleefully when the man tore off my sock and began to bite off my toenails, as if they were an X-Mas feast.

It was when the carriage stopped, that the body bind was released and I flew from the carriage not caring who saw me. I regret this decision now.

It seems it is not good for one's reputation to be seen fleeing from a carriage with a small man trying suck upon your toes. My reputation was further soiled when I tripped and fell only a few feet from Potter and he watched laughing as the small man tried to part my ass cheeks with a spoon. To say having one's bowels scraped with a spoon is painful, to have it done is saying something else.

I am now recovering in the hospital wing. I cannot shit without screaming, and this is why you don't piss off werewolves.

Always,
Severus Snape

-

End