Disclaimer: As Usual™

Summary: We follow Kirihara as he escapades through town as Kirika Ayako, his punishment for losing to Fuji. Involves Crack pairs, Kirihara in drag and Masta' Pimp Atobe (Part 1: In which Sanada is Satan, Kirihara is Queen and Eiji is disliked by many)

Let's just pretend that Tezuka's returned from Germany earlier in the series, ne?

What a Drag!
Part One: In which Sanada is Satan, Kirihara is Queen and Eiji is disliked by many.

"Demo, Sanada-fukubuchou," Kirihara looked up to the towering man with wide eyes.

"Silence, Akaya," Sanada's eyes flashed as he surveyed the cowering second year before him, "a loss is a loss."

"You lost too!" Kirihara dared to voice up, "to that first year Seigaku brat, no less."

Twitch.

"How dare you talk back to me, Akaya? I am your superior," he roared, causing Kirihara to momentarily stumble over a stray tennis ball that the first years had forgotten and fell backwards on his behind, "Now … you will be punished for that embarrassing display of a match."

"What about Yanagi-sempai? He lost too! Come to think of it," Kirihara trailed off, "We're supposedly the best players in Rikkai Dai, and yet, we all lost. Marui, Jackal, Niou and Yagyuu won their matches, but they didn't receive invitations to the Selective Trials."

"Stop changing the subject, Akaya - "

"Demo, Sanada-fukubuchou," Kirihara whined, "What will Yukimura-buchou say? He's always liked me, you know."

"He isn't here, is he?"

"N-No … " Kirihara inched his way backwards, eager to get away from whatever evil plan Sanada had thought up judging by the evil glint in his eye. His eyes became wide and tears started to cloud his vision, until Sanada pulled out something from a secret compartment in his pocket, "NO!"

ooo

Lightning flashed and thunder clapped in the background, a sure sign of an upcoming storm. The black cloud seemed to be migrating closer and closer to one location, it was as if signalling a bad omen for the boys of Seigaku tennis club.

"Something bad is going to happen today," Fuji looked up to the sky, his eyes in slits.

"Uwah, really?" Eiji bounced over to the ever-smiling boy and draped himself over his shoulders, "Fuji is always so insightful, nya."

Twitch.

Both boys were oblivious to the murderous glare Tezuka was sending their way, and the telepathic message to Eiji saying, 'hands off my Fuji'. Nor did they notice the odd glance Oishi seemed to be staring them, as if saying, 'Eiji's hands are for me, and only me.'

As the young boys of the tennis club found enjoyment in the mysteries of the weather, Mother Nature decided that it was enough and sent down rain, a lot of it.

"Twenty laps around the court."

"Tezuka!" The regulars and other ordinary members of the school shouted to their stoic Captain.

"I meant, into the building, minna."

Oddly enough, the sudden downpour of rain seemed to have only come down over the vicinity of the school.

ooo

Boys and men alike turned their heads around to catch a second glimpse of the person that had passed them. Girls looked on in jealousy and perverted old men started to wet their pants.

"Whaii! Pretty girl!"

"Oji-san!"

Kirihara sulked as he made his way down the street, 'my hosieries are bunching,' he cursed and pulled the dammed elastic away from the skin of his crotch. 'Why do girls need all this stuff anyway, it's not like they're going to war,' he raised an eyebrow at the evil looks he received from a bunch of cheerleaders that crossed his path, 'or not …' he sighed and continued on his way.

From the tips of the leather, four-inch stilettos he wore, right to the tip of his shoulder length, straight black hair, Kirihara was all woman and he was dressed to kill. The skin-tight red mini-skirt clung to him like a second skin, and the black tank top (and padded wonder bra) only encouraged the illusion. His hips swayed from side to side as he flounced down the street, heading towards the designated destination as set by the devil himself, Sanada Genichiro:

Seishun Gakuen Junior High.

He shuddered involuntarily at the thought. 'Seducing the immature brat?' he fumed, 'what is the fukubuchou thinking? At least seduce Tezuka, or even Fuji, at least they're something to look at. Even that bastard Dunk Smash guy is better than the cocky little monster. Hell, I'd even take that Snake man,' images of him and Kaidoh frolicking though a field of purple flowers suddenly came to mind, 'maybe not.'

He sighed dejectedly as he passed by the ice-cream shop, not noticing a familiar person who had just walked out, 'If Niou-sempai could see me right now … I might as well kill myself and be done with it.'

"Hey there, pretty lady."

Kirihara froze in his tracks, the voice becoming knives and started stabbing him in the ear, 'M-masaka …' he turned around robotically, and there, like and image out of a horror movie Niou standing near the entrance of the ice-cream parlour with a melting cone of vanilla making a trail down his arm, "H-Hai?" He stuttered, trying to sound as less Kirihara as he could and more like – his eyebrow twitched – Kirika Ayako, as Sanada had graciously dubbed him. He honestly didn't know how exactly Sanada had talked him into this and vowed to pay him back, someday.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing out here all by yourself?" his smile was almost smouldering and it took Kirihara's entire self-control to not throw up right then and there.

"I-I'm … err … going to meet my boyfriend," he gave the sweetest smile he could muster.

"I figured a girl like you would already been taken," Niou looked a little dejected, not noticing that Yagyuu was standing behind him.

"What about your boyfriend?" 'Hah, take that, Niou!' Kirihara smirked at the startled look on Niou's face.

"Niou-kun," Yagyuu raised a prominent eyebrow, "What are you doing?"

"Talking …"

"Don't you mean flirting?"

"Err …"

Kirihara snickered inwardly and walked off. Niou would have a major explaining to do, and at least that'll keep him of Kirihara's back for at least a few days.

ooo

The regulars of the Seigaku team sat in one of the classrooms at school. The rain had stopped coming but the sky was still black. The common members had already left for home, except for the three first years.

Inui would glance over at them once and awhile from his seat. He had always suspected that the three of them had some kind of a crush on Ryoma, it was all written down in his pretty green notebook, right next to the sentence where he officially declared Kaidoh Kaoru his property. The times when his attention wasn't focused of the three boys, he would look over towards Kaidoh, just to make sure that Eiji kept his mangy paws off of his Kaidoh.

He also cast a glance at Kachiro. According to his calculations, there was a thirty seven percent chance that Kachiro was in love with Kaidoh. He would have to keep an eye on that boy. After all, no one eyes his Kaidoh other than him.

Fuji stared out the window, lost in the thought that were plaguing his mind. He didn't notice Tezuka's keen eyes on him, nor did he realize when the bespectacled Captain took to his feet and walked out. He just couldn't get the thought of a certain black haired devil child out of his mind.

'Kirihara Akaya …' his minds eyes looked over the image of the boy wistfully. He was such a cute boy, not the same cute as Yuuta, but still cute in his own, naughty way. Kirihara would look good sitting at his side in skintight clothes. With Saeki sitting on his other side, it would be quite a sight to behold.

Now there would just be the problem of seating Yuuta. With Saeki and Kirihara at either side, there would be no place for his dear otouto, and he wouldn't even dream of leaving him out, what if Mizuki got his filthy hands of his Yuuta?

ooo

Tezuka shut the door behind him, leaning dejectedly against the wall and sighed. He was sexy, why won't Fuji even look at him? He had all the girls and boys of Tokyo swooning over him, so why couldn't he do even the simplest task of getting Fuji's attention? Perhaps Fuji was deliberately ignoring him, but why?

Tezuka was feeling very depressed at the moment and he needed some comfort. Reaching a hand into his pocket, he pulled out his cell phone and dialled Atobe's number. He needed the narcissistic boy to be his usual annoying self and distract him from his current heartache.

"Atobe," he muttered after a few seconds of hearing the ringing sound.

'Tezuka?'

Tezuka could almost hear the smugness in Atobe's voice at the prospect of him calling.

'Well, well. To what does Ore-sama owe the pleasure of receiving your rather unexpected phone call today? Are you leaving for Germany again? Or do you want Ore-sama to grace your pitiful teammates with my presence once more?'

"…"

'Tezuka? Are you still there, or has my indubitably imposing presence shocked you into silence?

"…"

'Tezuka,' Atobe clearly sounded annoyed, 'I command you to stop imagining Ore-sama naked and talk, now. You're making me waste precious exfoliating time.'

"Twenty laps around the court."

'Pardon? It sounds like you're trying to order Ore-sama around.'

Tezuka coughed, "I mean, you and me."

'Isn't it raining out?'

"Scared of a little rain, Atobe?"

Atobe spluttered through the receiver, 'Ore-sama is offended by that. You're on, Tezuka.'

"Hn," Tezuka hung up and leaned heavily against the wall, 'What have I gotten myself into?'

For reason's unknown, the only two places currently experiencing rain were Seigaku and Hyoutei Gakuen. Perhaps it's the doing of the perverted goddess of Yaoi who loves young boys running around drenched, their clothes clinging tightly to their bodies. What ever it was, one may never find out.

ooo

In the sunny part of Tokyo, Kirihara continues on his long, long journey towards Seishun Gakuen Junior High … on the four-inch pumps (Sanada didn't allow him to take the bus in case he fell asleep and would end up in at the other side of town … again). It was one feat, which he seemed to be doing a good job off, considering that he's never cross-dressed before, or had he?

"Such a pretty girl, da ne!"

Kirihara's eyebrow twitched. He knew that he made a gorgeous girl, but it still felt a bit weird to her people say it aloud.

"Can I join you for a walk, da ne?"

Kirihara sighed and decided that he was stuck in this predicament, whether he liked it or not. Might as well take it all the way. Perhaps he'd think of a way to get back at Sanada in the meanwhile.

He twirled around, flicking his hair behind his shoulder and looked seductively at the person. He couldn't help a grimace from flickering across his face when he saw the owner of a voice, '… he looks like a duck …' Kirihara's eyebrow twitched again. He cleared his voice, "H-Hai, nii-san."

"Whaii, you're even sexier from the front, da ne. What's your name, da ne?"

Kirihara decided that he should get something for that twitch, "Kiriha –aaaa– Kirika," he coughed, "Kirika Ayako."

"Yanagisawa," he held out his hand, a smarmy look on his face, "Yanagisawa Shinya, da ne," he seemed to be waiting for Kirihara to accept his hand, but the boy tried to ignore it as best as he could.

"I really should be going," Kirihara backed away slowly. He was never one to back down from anyone, but once you put on a garter and a pair of fish net stockings, your manly quota pretty much dies down.

"Too bad, da ne. The pretty ones are always taken, da ne," he looked downtrodden, "Just like that pretty girl at the park with Momoshiro, da ne. She was a cutie, da ne," a black cloud hovered above his head.

Kirihara perked up at the mention of Momoshiro, "You know Momoshiro-kun?"

"- Seigaku always gets the best ones, da ne. Don't they know that not everyone on St. Rudolph is gay, da ne?"

"Hey, I asked you a question."

"- It's all Mizuki's fault, da ne. If he didn't always wear such bright clothes, maybe St. Rudolph –"

"Shut up!" Kirihara slapped him.

Yanagisawa looked up at him with wide, pathetic eyes, "Why did you do that, da ne?"

"You were saying Momoshiro and a girl?"

"Ah … it was after Seigaku's match with Hyoutei Gakuen, at the tennis park, da ne. Foudomine's Ibu and Kamio where there too. It was with Tachibana's sister, da ne."

"You know this because?" Could this be possible? Could this guy actually be – Kirihara's eye twitched – a tennis player?

"I was there with Mizuki and Yuuta, da ne."

"You actually play tennis?"

Yanagisawa nearly cried, "I'm from St. Rudolph! I played doubles with Kisarazu Atsushi!" he said almost desperately.

Kirihara's mouth formed and O in realization, "You're the guy who was knocked out by Momoshiro's Dunk Smash."

Yanagisawa dropped his head, "Why do I bother, da ne. I should go and nurse my bruised pride now, da ne. Ja, da ne."

Staring at his hunched and retreating shoulder, Kirihara sweat-dropped, 'And just when it was about to become interesting.'

End Part One.

This was supposed to be a one-shot, but it got a little too long. I have a tendency to babble on.

By the way, Kirihara's probably OOC, sorry :P

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