He looks up when he realizes someone is standing over him. He's reading the same book he was this morning. It looks like he's almost done with it. He puts out his cigarette on the ground, but he doesn't stand up. I don't know what I should say. For some reason, the word 'hi' seems so over-used.
"You just put your cigarette out on Yale property." I have no idea why I decided to say this. Out of all the things to say, I tell him he's littering. Smooth, Rory.
"I'll pick it up later. I promise."
I don't want to go inside. Not yet. So I plop myself down next to Jess. We just sit here against my dorm room door for about six minutes. I finally turn to look at him.
"What are you doing here, Jess?" I ask.
"What were you doing in New York, Rory?" he snaps. He's mad at me. I don't know why, though. Its not like he could prove that I was in New York to see him. And I wasn't really there to see him. I was there to relive a memory of him. Two completely different things if you ask me.
He didn't look at me when he asked me why I was in New York. He hasn't looked at me since I got here. He's just been looking straight. There's nothing to look at straight ahead. Not even a door. It's just a wall. An off-white painted wall. Jess seems to be very interesting in this wall. He's just looking at it, face expressionless. That's what he always used to do when he was mad at me. Stare at walls and not let any emotion appear on his face. He's really good at this.
I stood up and took my keys out of my coat pocket. I had gotten changed in Stars Hollow and grabbed a coat from the closet in the hall. Jess is still sitting against my door staring at the boring wall. I jingle my keys to see if he'd get up. He didn't. I jingled them again, this time in front of face. He still didn't get up. I sighed and grabbed the back of his collar and pulled him up. I guess he hadn't expected me to do that 'cause he sort of jumped and dropped his book. Well at least he's looking at me now. I smile sweetly at him and hold up my keys.
"Wanna come in?"
He glares at me and is about to sit back down but I push him out of the way before he can and unlock my door. I walk in and throw my keys on the stand by the door. The place wasn't as neat as it usually is so I guess Paris still hadn't gotten in. I took my coat off and tossed it onto the couch. I turn around and see that Jess is standing in the doorway. I sigh.
"I invited you in, you know."
He walked in and shut the door behind him. Actually, it was more like slammed. He was really angry. I had no idea why, either. All I did was go to New York. And Washington Square Park. And the record store. And I guess I can kind of see why he's mad. But he really shouldn't be this angry. Maybe there's more than just my going to New York that he's mad about. I don't know. But I do know that he's staring at me with a scowl on his face and I'm feeling really uncomfortable.
"Hi." 'Hi?' Are you freakin' kidding me? You almost made my door come off the hinges and all you have to say is 'hi? "Hi…" I said slowly. I think he's about to say more than 'hi.'
"Are we good now?" he asked me. I had no idea what he was talking about.
"What?"
"Our whole 'Hi.' ritual we've got goin on. Are we good on that now?" Oh.
"Uh, sure."
"Good. What the hell is your problem?" I was completely taken aback by this.
"What do you mean?"
"Did I come to your dorm last year?" okay, I so don't want to know where he's going with this.
"Um, yes-"
"Did I open up to you?" This is it. This is the big blowout that I've imagined us having but never actually thought we'd have. This is when we let everything out that we've kept bottled up for the past two years. This is going to be the worst fight of my life. And I'm about to jump into it on an empty stomach. Great.
"Yea-"
"I asked you a question. It wasn't really what I intended on asking you but its what came out and guess what happened. I drove away that night by myself. I was more hurt than I've ever been in my entire life. I didn't know that one person can make me hurt so much but you did. And then you come to New York! You come to New York, and you go to the park. You go to the park, and then you go to the record store. Now, I know I didn't graduate high school, Ror, but it doesn't take a person with a diploma to figure out the connection between those places."
Yeah, I guess he had a right to be that angry. Half of me is thinking, 'good, now we're even.' but the other half of me is thinking, 'oh, God, I hurt him. I didn't mean to do that.' I don't really think anyone, diploma or no diploma, would be able to connect those places. Only Jess and I would be able to connect those places. I think I have a five second attention span. My train of thought changes a lot. I just noticed that. Huh.
I couldn't take it anymore. I needed something to eat. I needed breakfast. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon but I can still get some cereal down in the food court. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door. This time Jess followed me. He slammed the door shut again and picked up his speech where he left off.
"What? Did you just decide you would go to New York and see if I'd be at the park and treat you to a hot dog? 'Cause I'm really anxious to know why you came. I know it had something to do with me. You wouldn't have gone near the park or the record store if it didn't have anything to do with me. Was it to tell me about Richie Rich?" I looked back and raised my eyebrows at him. "Yeah, I met him. Doesn't really seem like your kind of guy if you ask me. I don't think that's why you came, though. I mean, why would I want to know about your new boyfriend? That's the last thing I would want to know."
We reached the food court, and it's a good thing too 'cause Jess was starting to rant. I was about to head over to the cereal when I saw Logan sitting at a table by the door. Damn it. I pretended I didn't see him and went over to the cereal. I grabbed a tray. Then I grabbed a cereal bowl. Then Jess grabbed me. He grabbed my upper arm gently and turned me around to face him.
"Why did you come to New York, Rory?" he wasn't snappy this time. He was desperate. And I wanted to give him an answer. But I didn't have an answer.
"I don't know. Okay, Jess? I don't know. I have no idea why I went to New York. I just went."
"Why'd you come to the park?" I had an answer to that question. I just wasn't giving him the right one.
"I wanted to read on one of the benches but I changed my mind when I got there. There were too many… pigeons."
There was too much Jess. That's the real answer. He knew this so he just nodded.
"Why'd you go to the record store?" Well this one won't seem so much like a lie.
"I wanted to get my mom a googoo dolls record signed by Belinda to replace the other one that I left on the bus." That was definitely more believable. But he didn't believe it. He just nodded again. I could feel Logan's eyes on us. Actually, I could feel everyone's eyes on us. I didn't think we were being that loud, but apparently we were. I glanced at the door and saw Paris standing there like she had just seen a ghost. Guess she recognizes Jess. I look over at Logan. He looks really confused. Its not that hard to get-I'm fighting with my ex-boyfriend. It's pretty simple. But he doesn't get it. I shake my head a little and look back at Jess.
"Why did you say no?" He asked me. It took me a second to realize what he was talking about, but when I did I turned away from him and back to my empty cereal bowl. "No, seriously Rory. Why did you say no?" Why did I say know? Hmm. Gee, I don't know, Jess. Why do you think I said no? I spun around to face him again.
"You left!" I yelled. "You just got on a bus and left. You didn't even leave a note. I mean, you could have at least left me a note. You weren't supposed to leave! We could have work everything out. We could have worked out your school situation and your whole dad thing and the Kyle's be-house thing. We could have figured it all out. We could have fixed it. I wanted to fix it! But you left. Do you have any idea what its been like for the past two years to know that I wasn't a good enough reason for you to stay?" I was close to tears now. I wasn't hungry anymore either. The look on Jess's face when I said that last part was killing me. He looked so guilty. I glanced over at Logan. I think he finally got it. He's standing up now. I hope he doesn't come over here. I don't want him to come over here. I don't want to have to explain what's going on to him right now. I looked back at Jess.
"Y-you've been thinking that?" he asked quietly.
"Well, yea. I mean, its true. Obviously I wasn't worth staying in Stars hollow for." Jess looked totally taken aback by this. Why? I mean, he had to have known I would think this when he left. Or maybe he didn't think about what I would think. I don't think this is true, but it feels like it sometimes.
"How could you say that? I came back to that cracked up town for you! I was back in New York and then you came to see me and I moved back to Stars hollow for you."
I knew he moved back for me! I just couldn't prove it but I knew he wouldn't have come back unless he had a really good reason to and I knew it was for me when I kissed him at Sookie's wedding. He wouldn't have kissed me back if he didn't like me and I knew I was the reason he came back. But I thought he would stay. He only had to put up with the town for a couple more weeks and then he could have moved somewhere else. Preferably somewhere near Yale. Now that I'm thinking about it, though, it kind of seems silly. I mean, its Jess. He's not the move-near-your-girlfriend's-campus type. But he would have if I asked him too. Because he loved me. And if I asked him to do that now, he would. Because he still loves me. I can tell. And now it's taking me a great deal of self-control not to kiss him right now.
"I should hate you." I tell him. He sighs. "I'm supposed to hate you! Anyone else would hate you if you did to them what you did to me. But I can't bring myself to hate you. I want to hate you. I need to hate you. But all I can muster up is some pathetic anger. It's not fair!" My eyes are watering now but I wont let the tears fall. I'll fall apart if they do.
"Rory," he says calmly, "why did you say no?" I sigh.
"I was mad. You show up after a year and expected me to just drop everything and leave everything. I couldn't do that. I wanted to stay strong and I wanted you to know that I was angry." I glanced at Logan again. He's walking toward us. I try to ignore him and look back at Jess.
"So, your anger had a lot to do with your decision?" he asked me. I just nod.
"Okay, could you just forget about your anger for 5 seconds and answer me this. Do you want to be with me?"
Logan had reached us and grabbed Jess's arm. "Hey, buddy. I think it might be a good time to leave the pretty girl alone now." Jess made a fist. I was hoping I could avoid this.
"Logan, let him go." I said.
"Rory, come on. He's harassing you."
"No, he's not. Could you please just let him go?" Logan hesitated.
"Fine." He said finally.
"Thank you. Um, could you leave? Please?" Logan just looked at me.
"No." he said.
"Rory, who cares if he's there? I need to know this. Please."
I was about to lie and say no, but then I looked at him. I couldn't lie to him again. But I couldn't tell him the truth either. Not in front of Logan. So I just looked down.
I didn't have to look up to see the smile on his face. I could picture it in my head. I looked up and, sure enough, there was a nice big smile on his face. I looked over at Logan and he looked like he was about to punch Jess. Then I looked at his hands that were balled into fists and I realized that he was going to punch Jess.
"Logan, please go. I promise I'll talk to you later. Okay? Please go."
He stormed out of the food court. I think he actually stopped outside the door and is looking in but I don't know because I refuse to look at the door. Instead, I look at Jess. His beautiful smile that I have seen only a handful of times is gone. In its place is a line. A straight line that symbolizes complete seriousness.
"What do you want, Rory?" He asked me. I was confused. Didn't he just ask me this?
"What?" I said.
"If you could have anything that you wanted right now, what would it be?" my mom and I used to ask each other this all the time. But this is different. Jess doesn't mean from the world. He means from him. I think about this for a second. What do I want from him? And then I know.
"I want you to say your sorry." Now it was his turn to be confused.
"The only thing you want from me right now is an apology?" I don't know what he expected me to say, but that's what I want.
"You came back twice. You had two opportunities to say you're sorry. But you never did. The only thing you apologized for was the prom. You never said you were sorry for leaving or for not telling me anything or for the fight we had at Kyle's party. I didn't care about the stupid prom. I cared that we weren't speaking and that you were gone. So that's what I want. I want you to say you're sorry."
He nodded, like he understood. And I think he did understand. He looked me in the eye and said with the most sincerity I've ever heard him use:
"I'm sorry, Rory."
And then he turned and started to walk away. It took about three seconds for what just happened to register in my brain. He apologized. And now he was about to be gone again. I hurried up to him and grabbed his wrist and turned him around.
"Are you leaving?" I asked him.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked. I shook my head frantically. I must have looked crazy but I didn't care.
"No! Jess you can't leave! Please don't leave!" He couldn't leave. Everything's out now. He can't walk out of my life again. Not now.
"Okay, I won't." He says and I sigh, relieved.
"Okay." I say. I'm still holding his wrist. And we're really close.
"I think I'll go pick up that cigarette now." He says. But he can't go pick up his cigarette right now. Because I lost all my self-control. And because I'm kissing him right now.
And because he's kissing me back.
A/n holy crap! Dude I just finished this and I just realized that I wrote it! Im not reading thru this before I put it up im too lazy but just warning u it might not make ne sense cause I have no idea wat I wrote. I just wrote it. So if its horrible well I wasn't paying attention sooo…. Oo I was reading thru the other chaoter and in the first it says she got dressed that means she put on her pajamas that were lying on the floor not that she opened up her closet and put actual clothes on. Ok reviewer people:
Miloroxmysox-I really don't pay much attention when I write this so if its blunt sorry. And imagin in ur mind what the inside of one of the Gilmore girls heads is like. How do you think the talk in their head? im guessing probably like that its supposed to be like that.and thanks for the staring thing.
Sarah-ok u r sooo wrong! Well thanks and I loooooove u!
Thanks everyone else!