Hands Clean

Alanis Morissette

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

Olivia slipped through the front door and quietly shut it behind her. Not wanting to wake up her mother and Byron, she tiptoed as quietly as possible up the stairs and headed to her room.

Pushing open her bedroom door, she breathed a sigh of relief as she successfully avoided any confrontations that were destined to ruin her perfect night. She flipped on her light switch and let out a startled scream.

"Where were you?"

Byron "The Beast" as Olivia affectionately referred to him, was sitting on the edge of her bed, tightly coiled and ready to pounce.

"Byron," Olivia gasped, "I didn't see you there…"

He stood up to his full height. He was a bear of a man with solid, powerful arms, hence Olivia's nickname for him, and at 6' 4" he towered over her. Olivia consciously tried to keep her trembling at bay. Olivia wildly wondered where her mother was.

"Where's…where's my Mom?"

"Where were you?" he asked again, the picture of patience.

"At a concert."

"With who?"

Shit. Olivia eased around him and set her bag down on the dresser. "Is my Mom at Mulligan's?" she asked. She didn't want to risk lying so she thought distracting him would do the trick.

"I'm really getting tired of repeating myself, Olivia," Byron replied, still calm. "Who did you go to the concert with?"

"A friend…his name is Glen. You don't know him-"

Her explanation was cut short by a slam to her face that sent her reeling back against the dresser. Grabbing her cheek, she looked at him stunned.

"Wrong!" he exploded. He picked up a stray shoe that was littering her floor and chucked it at her vanity mirror. The crashing glass made Olivia cower in fright. "You were with Elliot. I saw you. I saw you Olivia! With Elliot!"

He marched over to her and grabbed her shoulders giving her two sharp shakes. Olivia was crying freely now, terrified of what he was capable of.

"What did you do? Did you fuck him? Are you fucking him?" he asked cruelly, shouting. He shook her again, but she just cried harder. She wanted to tell him no, she would never do it, but the words wouldn't come.

He didn't wait either way. He threw her on the bed and tore at her clothes. Olivia turned her head to the side and stilled her body. He got off on pain and she was damned if she was going to give him that satisfaction.

He thrust himself into her roughly. Her attempt must have worked because he struggled inside of her, the frustration on his handsome face evident. Disgusted, he climbed off of her and buckled his pants. Pissed, he grabbed her left arm and gave it a sharp twist causing Olivia to gasp in pain, before stalking out of the room and slamming the door.

Olivia curled herself tightly into a ball and cried her heart out.

XXXXXXX

Olivia looked at the clock. It was 9 in the morning. She should get up. She thought if she stayed in bed long enough, the day would disappear into the next, and maybe that day would disappear to its next.

"Olivia!"

No such luck. She stumbled out of bed at the sound of her mother's voice. She threw open the door and headed towards the bathroom. A sharp pain shot up Olivia's arm, which caused her to stop abruptly with a gasp. She had forgotten about Byron's parting twist last night. She grabbed her upper and massaged it gently, carefully continuing her journey.

One look in the mirror caused another gasp to escape Olivia's lips. The entire right side of her face was swollen an angry red color.

"At least it's not purple," she mumbled to herself wryly. She washed up and headed downstairs. Her mom wasn't in plain view in the living room, so she walked into the kitchen. Byron was sitting at the table, sipping orange juice and reading the newspaper.

"Olivia…how are you this morning?" he asked sheepishly, looking up from his reading.

Olivia stared at him. What was he still doing here? What about his family? "Fine…" she said cautiously.

He looked past her to see if her mother was in sight. Satisfied, he motioned for her to follow him into the garage. Obediently, she followed. Once inside, Olivia saw a huge bouquet of flowers sitting on the hood of her car.

"These for me?" she asked dully, staring at the lush display.

"Yeah…I'm sorry Olivia, you know how I can get," he said apologetically. "I would have put them in your room this morning, but I couldn't get past Serena."

Olivia stared at him. It was a cycle really. The dance they did. He would go into a rage, sometimes force himself on her, or just beat her, then turn around and apologize to her. Buy her something. Beg her forgiveness, which she always gave him. She always wondered what would happen if she refused these peace offerings. The thought made her shiver visibly.

"Are you cold?" he asked concerned.

"No. Why are you still here? What are you going to tell your wife?"

"Don't worry about that," he said gruffly, massaging the stubble on his chin. He really was a handsome man, Olivia thought, which is exactly what got her into this nightmare to begin with. "Listen…we have to talk about Elliot…"

"Nothing happened," Olivia said, cutting him off. "He had a free ticket to the Depeche Mode concert, and since he knew I liked them, he offered it to me."

Byron studied her thoughtfully. "I wasn't aware that the two of you ever…spoke to each other."

"The car accident…remember?"

"Right…right," he replied, nodding his head. "You realize…I am going to have to forbid you to speak to him. Never again."

Olivia felt a sharp stab to her heart, but she nodded. "I know," she said in a small voice.

Byron reached out and lovingly stroked the side of her face where his hand had angrily punched her just the night before. "I can't…share you with him…you know that," he said softly. "You stay away from him."

Olivia swallowed. "Nothing was going to happen," she said pleadingly, "If anything he is just a friend. Nothing would ever come of it."

His hand stopped. "No," he said firmly. "No, Olivia. It's too much of a risk."

He saw her crestfallen face and felt the rage starting build. How dare she? And all the boys in Lewiston, why Elliot? She was rebelling on purpose. He quickly tamped down on his anger.

"You know I love you Olivia, how can you possibly think I would share you with someone else?" he asked, struggling to keep his temper at bay.

Olivia looked at him and grabbed the fleeting spark of bravery that ran through her before it slipped away. "How long are we going to keep this up? How long until my mom finds out? Before your family finds out?"

He looked surprised by her question. "Well…forever Olivia," he said, his voice still gentle. "And she won't find out. She's never here anyway, she's always at that damn bar. And don't act like this is my fault. It's not my fault. It's yours. You should have never tempted me. How was I supposed to resist you? Do you think you can get on in this world without me? Without me you are nothing." His eyes pleaded with her. "I'm only trying to take care of you…your mom is not going to do it. Someone has to."

"It doesn't even have to be me…your wife could find out about mom…"

"Shhhh…" he said, discouraging her protests. "My wife does not question what I do. And neither should you."

Olivia blinked the tears from her eyes. Byron bent down and kissed her on each of her eyelids. "I have to go…don't let your mother see the flowers." He walked back into the house. Olivia stayed into the garage until she was sure he had said goodbye to her mom and had left the house. Sure enough, she re-entered at the same time the front door slammed shut.

She walked to the front window and watched him climb into his truck. She made the decision at that moment that it was time to tell her mother that her boyfriend and Olivia's own boyfriend, were one in the same.