Scientific Observations
By David Jacobs
Period
4
Advanced
Placement Biology
June
6th, 2006
This weekend, I was pondering over what organism I should observe, and decided that a human would be the best living creature to study. This report took six hours of examination and the following tools:
- One (1) notepad
- Two (2) Mechanical Pencils
- One (1) Television (Includes Comcast Digital Cable The Disney Channel and television remote)
- Three (3) cartons of leftover Chinese food (Includes eating utensils and MSG)
The remaining instruments used in the experiment will be mentioned in the rest of the report.
Kingdom:
Animalia
Phylum:
Chordata
Class:
Mammalia
Order:
Primate
Family:
Hominidae
Genus:
Homo
Species:
Sapien
Scientific
Name: Francis Sullivan
Common
Name: Jack Kelly
Also
Referred To As: Cowboy
Gender:
Male
Race:
Caucasian
Height:
Five feet and ten point five-seven inches
Weight:
One hundred and forty three pounds
Clothing: Custom black jacket (Cafe Press) with "Santa Fe" stitched on the back. Unknown brand of blue jeans. Black Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars. L.L. Bean red bandana. Unknown brand of black cowboy hat. Batman boxers. Hanes white t-shirt. Hanes ankle socks.
Description Of Habitat: Apartment in Manhattan (New York City, New York) One kitchen, one and a half bathrooms, one bedroom, one fire escape. Extra space consists of discarded clothing, magazines and newspapers scattered on the floor (National Geographic, New York Times, TV Guide, Ikea, American Girl), and other various objects.
End of technical details.
NOTES
(Originally recorded in Bic black ink)
- Jack is supposedly typing (Dell Computer, Windows XP, Microsoft Word) an assignment for English (Mrs. Platt's sixth period class, general education)
- Jack reacts aggressively when source of nutrition (Magic Wok's Chinese Take-Out) is taken from appliance (Ikea Refrigerator) He shouted the following: "Don't eat that!"
- Jack appears to dislike High School Musical. He keeps murmuring the following: "This movie is queer. Who the hell likes musicals? What is wrong with the main character? If he likes that Hispanic girl he should just tell her." Perhaps he will peruse a career in writing movie reviews.
- Jack frequently shifts the position of his arm. It has shifted from being on his thigh, to lying on the arm of the couch, to the cushion by my left hamstring. At one point three of his fingers (index, middle, and ring) touched my leg. He pulled it away in less than a second and moved closer to the edge of the couch. He seemed embarrassed and blushed (a form of defense used in humans, due to the fear system, used to make the threatened human look dangerous).
- Jack is continuing to comment on High School Musical.
- Jack is now walking to the kitchen and singing lyrics from The Bloodhound Gang: "Maybe it ain't your birthday but then again you know I wouldn't give a fuck…" He uses profane language a majority of the time. For shame.
- Jack returned to the couch with shot glass containing Hawaiian Punch. He is now drinking the beverage.
- Jack is now looking at me. His facial expression (half squinted eyes, smirk) suggest an emotion I am unfamiliar with. Actually, his facial expression his quite cute. I mean that in a non-homosexual way. Oh, never mind.
- Hey, this Jack. I just nicked Dave's notepad. I have just drawn a smiley face. David is trying to get the notepad back. "Bring it, Davey!" I just said. He is trying to get it. I won't let
- The savage beast known as Jack stole my notepad. I am now in the bathroom and the door is preventing him from harming me. I think I might have to dart out of the bathroom and run for my life. I will return to these notes later if I survive.
Two hours have passed. I have learned the following in those 120 minutes:
- Jack seemed to be on the brink of starvation. He tackled me to the floor the instant I ran out of the bathroom. I believe he was trying to eat me.
- After several minutes of thrashing, I managed to escape from the vicious Jack. He chased me around the apartment until I tripped and fell onto the couch.
- Again, Jack attempted to eat me. I am assuming this because he held me down and bit me on my mouth. However, the bite was gentle. Maybe the Jack isn't as hostile as I think.
The
remaining data I collected was too graphic to include in the report.
As you can tell, this is not a college application. I apologize for being misleading. I did plan to write a college application, but after reading the one my brother wrote for MIT, I decided I'd wait and do it later. More chapters coming up so keep reading. Thanks for the reviews, too.