Change Sucks (Inspired by Tekken fic 'Kazuya Knows Best' by Gai)
(Once upon a time in a town in China and no one gives a crap what the town is called)
Jann Lee: (walks into Brad Wong's room) Brad, wake up.
Brad: (mumbling in his sleep) Zack, take off the ridiculous teletubby costume... Waitress give me another drink... Michael Jackson, stop trying to touch Elliott's--! (suddenly shoots up from mattress with a horrified look) ...
Jann Lee: Morning Brad.
Brad: ... Jann, what do you want at this hour? It's 11pm for cripes sake!
Jann Lee: No, actually it's 11 in the morning...
Brad: (turns to his digital clock and sees the little 'AM' letters on the side of the time) ... That explains the hangover.
Jann Lee: Brad, we need to talk. I know you have lived with me in this apartment for 6 years now, and I realize that over these past 6 years, you don't pay the mortgage; the bills, you make me deal with your crime fees, you expect me to bail you out of jail whenever you're put in, and you borrow thousands of dollars of my money and never pay it back. And so... I think I've come to realize that you're only pretending to be my best friend so you can live and mooch off of me. Brad, is this true?
(Long pause)
Brad: You woke me up for that? I'm going back to bed... (lays back down and tries to sleep)
Jann Lee: Brad, I'm afraid we're going to have to kick you out of the apartment first thing tomorrow.. and don't even think of making me change my mind by bribing me with flattering compliments!
Brad: (dull voice) You're the best friend I ever had, Jann Lee.
Jann Lee: (immediately changes mind) Then again... we can delay the moving date for another 2 months or so..
Lei Fang: (comes in the room) Dammit, Jann Lee! Can't you do anything? Don't you realize that he is sucking out your pride and reputation as a man?
Brad: (mumbling under the covers) Look who's talkin'...
Lei Fang: (kicks Brad)
Brad: (shoots back up from covers, holding his shin) Dammit, woman! A hangover is enough, already!
Lei Fang: Well..! I have you know that... (goes onto boring naggy lecture)
Brad: (thinking) Man.. she's lecturing me again... this'll take a while... (sits and stares at her boobs for the entire time she's talking)
Lei Fang: ...And bla bla bla bla yakkity yak blar blar poop giggle! Understand, Brad?
Brad: ... (staring at her boobs)
Lei Fang: Brad?
Brad: (stupidly grins) Heh... they jiggled..
Lei Fang: BRAD WONG WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
Brad: (snaps out of it) uuh... what happened? I mean...uh.. yeah.. I think so...
Lei Fang: (impatiently) Then what was I talking about?
Brad's Mind: Whatever you do, don't say boobies!
Brad: uh.. Boobies..?
Brad's Mind: Dumb ass..
Lei Fang: That's it! I had it with you! You're leaving first thing tomorrow!
Brad: What? You can't do that to me!
Lei Fang: I can and I will.
Brad Wong: (begging on his knees) Please, Lei Fang, I'll be good! I'll do better!
Lei Fang: (rolls eyes) Like I haven't heard that one before...
Brad: Please?
Lei Fang: No.
Brad: Please?
Lei Fang: NO.
Brad: PLEASE?
Lei Fang: I SAID NO!
Brad: (puppy-dog eyes)
Lei Fang: (unimpressed) Whatever.. like that's going to work... Right, Jann?
Jann Lee: (persuaded by Brad's puppy-dog eyes and is moved by tears)
Lei Fang: (angry) ARGH! THIS IS MUTANY! (storms out of apartment)
Brad: Dude... you gotta dump her, man... That chick's a nag... and not to mention... she literally "brainwashed" you or something ever since you guys got together...
Jann Lee: (with quote fingers) She didn't "brain wash" me, Brad.
Brad: Yeah? Then why are you wearing a 'Vote for Pedro' shirt, and flatly combed, parted hair? You look like a damn queer, queer.
Jann Lee: (looks hurt and crosses arms to cover Vote for Pedro words on shirt) S-so? What's wrong with Napolean Dynamite?
Brad: Not to mention, she turned you into a wimp. You used to be like a God in the Dead or Alive Tournament. Now look at you; Lei Fang friggin tamed you into a boyscout!
Jann Lee: (looks as if about to cry) I'm not a boyscout!
Brad: (throws a random teddy bear at Jann's face)
Jann Lee: (screams like a little girl and runs out) My beautiful face!
Brad: Damn emos..
(Meanwhile)
Brad: (sitting at dining table watching MTV)
Jann Lee: (slowly walks out of the bathroom and sits at the dining table with Brad)
Brad: ...you ok?
Jann Lee: (nods) Yeah...
Brad: Oh.. that's good... now go get me my cereal.
Jann Lee: (gets up and gets a bowl and Cap'n Brunch box and gives it to Brad) You know... we really have to do something about you, Brad... I mean--
Brad: Look, you still thinking about what Lei Fang said? Fuggeta 'bout it! Besides, you may not know it but I contribute my share in this household!
Jann Lee: Really? How?
Brad: Well, I'm a very clean and organized person!
Jann Lee: ...
Brad: I don't like that silence. That was the silence of doubt wasn't it? WASN'T IT?
Jann Lee: ... sorry, Brad..
Brad: What makes you think I'm not an organized person?
Jann Lee: Well...
(Flashback)
Jann Lee: (waiting anxiously for Brad to come out of the bathroom while holding crotch) Brad! Hurry up! I can't hold it!
Brad: (in the bathroom) Fine fine... (comes out of bathroom)
Jann Lee: Finally! (rushes in and does business, then washes hands, except that the sink is clogged)
Jann Lee: ...? (for some reason, he manages to get what was clogging the sink, and it turns out to be a ball of Brad's white tangled hair) EEEWW!
(End of Flashback)
Brad: What the hell was that?
Jann Lee: That was a flashback. Sort of like Doyle in the show, Angel who has visions of what will happen in the future.. except we see visions in the past...
Brad: Oh.. I see-- Wait, what the f--? You watch Angel?
Jann Lee: ... no... (hides Angel Season 1 & 2 behind his back)
Brad: What's that behind your back?
Jann Lee: ...nothing..
Brad: That's not Angel Season 1 & 2 is it?
Jann Lee: (pause and shifty eyes) ... No...
Brad: ...
Jann Lee: ...
Brad: (coughcough)eunuch(coughcough)
Jann Lee: What?
Brad: Nothing...
(Long silence)
Brad: Fine, I admit.. maybe I'm not a very organized person ... but that doesn't stop me from being a respectable figure...
(FLASHBACK)
Brad: (sitting on the side of the rode, drunk., waiting to get hitchhiked ) H-hey, (hic) can I have a lift?
Passing Driver: Go to hell!
Brad: (sees another passing car) Lift (hic) Please?
Passing Driver 2: (gives him the finger)
Brad: (sees another passing car. He's about to say something but the car speeds past him and on top of a inconvenient puddle which then splashes and drenches Brad completely)
(END OF FLASHBACK)
Brad: Okay.. fine fine.. I cant help but be a disorganized clean person... and I'm not that respectable. That's society's fault, cause they're a bitch anyway. But really matters is that I'm a really responsible person.
Jann Lee: ...
Brad: ...
Jann Lee: ... Sorry, Brad... I have to disagree with you... again
Brad: You, bastard! Some friend you are! Now we have to go through another damn flashback!
(Flashback... again)
Jann Lee: Brad, we can't have a dog.. Lei Fang doesn't think of you as a "Pet Person" and she doesn't want me or her to take care of it.
Brad: 'Not a Pet Person?' Are you kidding me? I'm 100 Pet-Person! Don't you remember my Goldfish, Ted?
Jann Lee: Didn't he die because you poured beer in his fish bowl while you were drunk? I think even Lei Fang flushed him down the toilet...
Brad: Wrong! That bitch of your girl friend DID flush him down the toilet, but he didn't die! He went unconscious since it was his first time drinking. You can't have great expectations out on the poor fish; Ted was sober! I had to go down those damn sewers myself to find Ted.
Jann Lee: Wait.. you went all the way to the sewers to find a pet goldfish already dead? Isn't that... extreme..?
Brad: Extreme? I tell ya what's extreme! Flushing down a poor unconscious fish down a toilet! Now, that's murder! Luckily, Ted was alright afterwards...
Jann Lee: Ted's alive?
Brad: You don't believe me?
Jann Lee: I don't know what to believe anymore..
Brad: Fine, then, I'll show you! I'll go get Ted! (goes into room and after a series of sounds of rummaging crap, he comes back out with his fish bowl)
Brad: (shows it to Jann Lee) See? He's alive!
Jann Lee: Is he suppose to be upside-down like that?
Brad: Nonsense! He's just hibernating... for the year...
Jann Lee: Fish don't hibernate.. they migrate.
Brad: STFU. Besides, Ted can do tricks! Watch! (to fish bowl) Alright, Ted, rollover!
Ted: ...
Jann Lee: ...
Brad: Sit!
Ted: ...
Jann Lee: ...
Brad: (looking nervous) uuh.. Play dead!
Ted: (is already dead)
Brad: Good, boy! (pats Ted's head with his finger but Ted's head breaks off)
Jann and Brad: ...
(END OF FLASHBACK)
Brad: He don't do the tricks when your sober...
Jann Lee: See? That's another problem, Brad. You drink a lot! You drink alcohol every chance you get! Like that one time--
(FLACHBACK--
Brad: STOPPIT! NO MORE GODDAMN FLASHBACKS!
Jann Lee: Sorry...
Brad: Anyway... I don't drink alcohol every chance I get! I mean, come on! (casually pours cereal in bowl and uses vodka for milk-replacement)
Jann Lee: Brad you can't keep doing this to yourself.. Alcohol is bad for you.. it gives you brain damage, kidney problems; it destroys your body!
Brad: Oh come on now, Jann Lee... It's not like large consumptions of alcohol is against the law...
(Chinese SWAT members suddenly brake into the house. One breaks through the ceiling, wall, window, and some climb out of the toilet.. etc. They suddenly surround Brad and Jann Lee pointing their guns threatingly at them)
Jann Lee: (pisses himself)
Brad: Hey, buddies, what's up? Been a while!
Chinese SWAT: (unison) Hey, Brad!
Jann Lee: (thinking) H-he knows these g-guys?
Brad: Yeah, so what'd I do this time...?
Chinese SWAT member #1: Well... he... uh... Hey, Bobby Chang, what DID he do, this time?
Bobby Chang/Chinese SWAT member #2: uuh... I dunno... but remember last time, though, when Brad was goin' all over Zhang's girl?
(All the Chinese SWAT members laugh except Zhang)
Some other SWAT member: (wipes tear from eye) oooh.. good times...
Swat member leader: (is pissed off as hell and is speaking in japanese)
Brad: Who the hell is he?
Bobby Chang: Oh he's the new SWAT leader... they figured the Chinese were stupid so they hired a Japanese instead... bastards.
Brad: SWAT leader? What happened to Lei Wulong?
Bobby Chang: Oh... he ran off into some tournament.. looking for a physcho cyborg killer.. we don't know.. it's the usual confidential shit.
SWAT Leader: (shoots Chang's head off and speaks in japanese and is pissed off)
Random SWAT member: Lyke OMG! Chang! NOOOOOO!
SWAT Leader: (speaks in some crazy japanese and is pissed off)
Brad: What did he say?
SWAT member: We don't know... (shrug) but we usually figure it means to place you under arrest...
(Chinese Swat members point their guns at Brad Wong)
Brad Wong: H-hey wait you never told me what I did!
Random SWAT member: Oh I dunno.. Our governor, Jackie Chan, made a new law about limited consumption of alcohol... since that incident at that Taiwanese concert... and I guess you drank more alcohol than you were suppose to.
Brad Wong: What the--? Tell me this isn't happening! Jann Lee you gotta save me, man!
Jann Lee: (is unconscious)
(Chinese SWAT members drags Brad Wong out of the apartment)
SWAT Leader: (ordering people around in japanese)
Brad: JAAAANNN LEEEEEE!
(fade out)
(To be Continued...)
AN: Ya whatever i finished the damn thing already... Should I continue? This thing is like a total pice of crap or something... I have no brain when it comes to writing so sue me. (I was kidding bout that.. please don't sue me)
Ya and DOA peeps dont belong to me.. and Napolean Dynamite.. and Angel.. and MTV.. and Jackie Chan... i guess the only thing that belongs to me is Chinese SWAT? Do they even have SWAT in China? I dunno... whatever.