Chapter Sixteen: Please Keep Me From Falling Apart
Nate
I woke up suddenly, my body shaking and drenched in sweat. I had another nightmare about him. Kelly.
I lay there for another moment, trying to regulate my breathing. I felt Tyler's arms wrapped around my waist. Last week, I'd told him everything that happened when he asked. He was very understanding about the whole ordeal, and wasn't angry with me like I thought he'd be.
But as understanding as Tyler was, it didn't change what happened. And I knew that there was only one thing that could take my mind off of that monster.
"Wake up," I shook him lightly, placing a kiss on his cheek when that didn't work. Tyler groaned and opened one eye.
"I was sleeping," he complained in a whiny tone.
"And now you're not," I replied. "I need more pills," I stated bluntly. That should wake him up.
"Did you have another nightmare?" he asked, finally noticing the sweat that was slowly drying. I nodded and didn't say anything. It's not something that's fun to talk about. "Maybe you shouldn't…take anymore," he suggested like it was no big deal.
"I need them," I argued, sitting up. "Don't take that away from me."
"Maybe if you hadn't been taking them in the first place, it wouldn't have happened." He looked like he felt guilty about it. I found that sweet, but I was also getting angry.
"Why are you getting all righteous all of a sudden? You're a fucking drug dealer!" I shouted.
He sighed and his shoulders slumped. Rubbing at his eyes, he got up and walked over to his bag, grabbing a baggie of pills out of it.
"Here, just take it," he said, shoving it into my hands. I smiled greedily, and couldn't wait to open it.
Tyler just walked out of the room. I wasn't sure why he was so upset about it, but I didn't really care. I had what I needed.
Remy
"Feels just like old times, doesn't it?" Theresa asked, sitting next to me on the couch. I rolled my eyes and inched away from her.
"Don't try to come crawling back to me, just because Thomas broke up with you," I said. "Besides, I'm gay."
"How did you know?" she asked, staring at me like I was some psychic.
"We all live in the same house. News travels a bit fast."
"Anyways, you're not even gay. I don't think you even know what you are," she snapped. All that got her was another eye roll.
"Just leave me alone Theresa, I don't feel like talking to you," I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Remy…are you okay? You look really pale. And bony," she added, poking me in my ribs.
"I'm fine. Just go away."
"No, you're not fine." She put a hand to my forehead, and I flinched at her touch. "You feel so cold," she remarked, pulling her hand away.
"If you won't leave, then I will." I stood up and walked away from her, suddenly feeling very dizzy. My head was swimming, and I didn't feel like I could stand much longer. I grabbed onto the edge of the nearest chair, and took a deep breath.
"What's wrong? Let me help you," Theresa said, standing up to approach me.
"I don't need your help," I growled. I wasn't used to this side of Theresa, and I didn't really like it. "I just stood up too fast, that's all." I began to walk away from her again. Bad idea.
Before I knew what was going on, I fell, hitting my head on the ground. Hard.
"Remy?" Her voice sounded so far away…
Then everything went black.
Andrew
"So…you're a cutter," Ellie said simply, like it was the most normal thing in the world. I looked at her like she was crazy. Maybe she was. And that's what I loved about her.
"Yeah, so what?" I muttered, pretending to be a bit angry that she asked. No one ever asked me about it before. People just usually lectured me on the topic or slapped me.
"I just never met another one before," she said under her breath. I raised an eyebrow at that statement, and she bit her lip.
"You're…?" But she interrupted me before I could get the rest of the question out.
"Yep." She pulled her shirt sleeve up on her left arm, and revealed a jumble of scars that ran all the way up her shoulder.
I traced a few of them with my fingers before dragging both of my sleeves up to show her mine. She let out a small gasp, but didn't say anything else. I showed her Alex and Marco's names, and a few tears escaped her eyes at the sight of those.
"Andrew…" she trailed off, touching my arm lightly. There weren't any brand new cuts, but a few scabs.
"Don't say anything Ellie. I know I'm way more fucked up than you are," I told her.
She didn't say anything, but instead, she leaned forward and hugged me. No one had ever been compassionate towards me about my cutting. Probably because I'd never met someone else who did it either.
"You should stop," she finally said. "I know that after I did, I actually felt much better. I went to a support group for teens. Maybe you could…"
"No, I don't want to," I said, completely interrupting her. "And I don't think that I can stop right now. I just know that something bad will probably happen, and if I've been trying to quit, I'll just feel ten times worse if I break a promise. Because I know it will happen again," I explained.
"How do you know that you'll want to do it again?" she asked me.
"Because, not all of the secrets are out yet."
Thomas
"Why do you always have to screw everything up Thomas?" I heard a familiar voice ask from the doorway of my room. It was Nate. I knew it before I even looked up.
"Last time I checked, I didn't do anything to you. So why are you bothering me?"
I couldn't believe it was like this between us. Nate and I have known each other ever since I can remember. We always had our little fights, but made up a day or two later. But we hadn't spoken in over five months.
"You broke Theresa's heart. I knew I shouldn't have trusted you with my sister," he said, narrowing his eyes at me.
I laughed. What else could I do? I laughed, and he ran at me, shoving me. My body didn't move at all. He was tiny up next to me.
"How is that funny Thomas?" he growled, his hands balled up at his sides.
"Maybe it's funny because she was fucking Lindsey," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
"You're such a liar!" she spat, poking me hard in the chest. "I should kick your ass right now." I snorted, shoving him. He stumbled backward, but caught his balance before he fell.
"Like you could."
Nate came at me, clearly intent on scratching my eyes out or something.
"STOP!" someone yelled from the doorway. We both turned to see Theresa standing there looking pissed off. I glared at her, as if she had any reason to be angry. Nate just stared, probably wondering why she interrupted him from 'defending her honor.' I rolled my eyes and sat down in the chair by my bed.
"Are you going to set your brother straight, or were you gonna wait until I kicked his ass?"
"Shut up Thomas. She wouldn't do that," Nate shot at me, still facing Theresa.
"I did," she whispered, looking over at me. I shook my head at her and looked away. She hurt me, I won't deny that.
Nate paused, and I could tell that he didn't know what to do or say. He finally turned around and looked at me, his mouth slightly agape. Then he shut his mouth and it formed a thin line. He looked like he felt bad for me. I kept my face straight. I didn't need him to make me break down in front of Theresa.
I accepted his look of sympathy with a small nod of my head. But that was it.
He stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Theresa and I speechless.
Ellie
Andrew and I had been talking for awhile. Aside from Marco, he was easily the person I had the most in common with out of the group.
I didn't ask him what kind of secrets he had in store for us because I didn't want to know. I wasn't going to be the person everyone got mad at for not telling them earlier. So, our topic suddenly became University, which was boring, but virtually safe.
"Okay, why is it that we haven't filled out applications for University?" I asked. I didn't understand. I explained to Andrew that at Degrassi, we planned for University pretty much since grade nine. We were always filling out forms, and had all kinds of preparations.
"Well, with the kids that went to MGA and your school, the parents usually just pick some Ivy League University and pay enough money to get us in without applying. I think my parents chose Yale for me, Harvard for Remy, and Princeton for Rory," he said, obviously bored with the subject already.
"Why three different schools?" I asked.
"They want variety. And since they're paying, we can't really say no," he shrugged, smiling a little. "I just hope that wherever I go, there will be tons of hot guys. Or I'll quit."
"I don't know what I'll do then. Or Marco for that matter. Seeing as we're not exactly rich, we don't have parents to do that for us. What are we gonna do now?" I sighed. I mentally smacked myself for not thinking about it sooner.
"You guys should come with me," he suggested. "Or Rory, or Remy for that matter. My parents would be willing to pay for such good friends," he suggested casually, as if it was normal for them to pay for two kids that weren't theirs. I'd never even met them.
"I couldn't take money from your parents like that," I said. "It would be weird."
"They wouldn't mind, really. If you don't believe me, I'll ask them," he offered.
"Well, maybe I'll talk to Marco about it. Or I'll end up working at some fast food restaurant for the rest of my life. I don't really know."
"It's okay, take your time," he told me.
I was about to ask him something else when Jesse walked in the room. He walked over to Andrew and kissed his forehead, joining him on the bed. He smiled at me, as if to say 'hello' in his own lazy way.
"I'll just leave you two alone," I said, getting up and winking at Andrew in the process. I bent down and we kissed each other on our cheeks.
I walked off to find Thomas, hoping to have a talk and set some things straight with him.
Theresa
I went upstairs to ask Nate for help with Remy, but he and Thomas were fighting. After he left, I instantly remembered my quest, but decided against asking Thomas for any type of help.
I went back downstairs as quickly as I could, and Remy was still lying there where I'd left him. I knelt down and he groaned, starting to wake up. He opened one eye but closed it rather quickly, putting a hand up to his forehead.
"Come on," I whispered in his ear, starting to lift him up. He was so small in my arms, and fairly easy to pick up. He wasn't always this way.
He swatted at my hands and tried to push me away, but finally gave up. I managed to get him up and over to the couch. He kept his eyes closed the whole time. I made sure he was comfortable, with a pillow and blanket, and then sat down on the floor next to the couch.
"Remy, what happened to you?" I asked softly, trying to get him to talk to me.
"Nothing happened to me," he said, obviously lying. For some reason, he didn't want to tell me. "I'll be fine."
"Maybe you should eat something," I said. "I'll go make you a sandwich." I moved to get up, but he put his arm out and held me back.
"No, I'm not hungry," he grumbled.
"How long have you been starving yourself?" I asked. I hated seeing him like this. We were together for almost five years. Just because our relationship fell apart, doesn't mean our friendship has to.
"I'm not starving myself," he growled, sitting up. I ignored what he said and kept going, trying to at least spark some emotion other than anger.
"Have you been throwing up too?" I asked him. Moving to sit next to him on the couch.
"Theresa, mind your own damn business. I don't want to hear any shit from you. I'm fine. Leave me alone," he said, nearly yelling.
"You need to get help. You need to see a doctor, or go to rehab, or something. I won't tell anyone, I promise. As long as you get help," I pleaded with him.
"I don't NEED help from anyone." He stood up, this time much steadier, and started to walk away. "And you won't tell anyone anyway," he shot back, throwing me a glare that sent chills down my spine.
"I can't promise that," I whispered.
He turned and walked away from me, as quickly as he could, like nothing had ever happened.
Marco
I was on my way to find Rory so we could go to the park, when I walked by Andrew's room. I peeked into the door crack and saw Andrew and Jesse, lying on the bed. Jesse had his arms wrapped around Andrew's waist and his chin resting on Andrew's shoulder.
I watched as he haphazardly kissed Andrew's neck, and traced his fingers along his collarbone. I couldn't help but smile. It didn't pain me to see them together; it made me happy. I liked seeing them happy, and I knew who I was meant to be with. Rory.
I walked to Rory's room, giving Andrew and Jesse the privacy they thought they had. I knocked on the door and waited. No answer. Placing my palm against it, I gently pushed it open. He wasn't there.
My heart sunk as I walked into the room and saw the note on his bed. Just a small folded piece of paper with my name on it. I sighed and sat down, taking the paper in my hands.
He left me. I knew it. And he probably wasn't coming back.
I opened the paper and took a deep breath, reading slowly.
Marco,
I'm sorry that I'm missing the sunset tonight. I didn't plan on it, but I had something that I really had to do. I'm going to NYC, and I'll be back by tomorrow night. I'll miss you.
Rory
So…he didn't leave me. Not forever at least. I sighed, still wishing he was there next to me, instead of on a plane or in the city.
I left the house and walked to the park alone, intent on watching the sun set without him. It wasn't going to happen for a few more hours, but I needed some time to think anyway.
I needed to think about what would happen when Rory got back.
Rory
By the time I got to the cemetery, it was already dark. The path was lit, and I was thankful for that. This couldn't wait. I had to finish it.
The air was warm with a soft breeze as I walked to the grave of my first love. I finally found it—the name 'Rex Mora' standing out in bold, white letters against a dull gray background. When I approached it I lay down, right on top of it. I wanted to be as close to him as I could. For the last time.
"Rex," I whispered with a sigh. "I never thought it would come to this. I loved you for a long time. I never wanted to stop," I wanted to get right into why I had come; I wouldn't draw it out because it was too painful.
"After we went our separate ways, I thought I'd never see you again. It took me a long time to get over losing you, and then, by some chance of fate, we ended up in the same school. And you pretended that you didn't know me.
"At the time, you probably thought it was the best thing to do, and maybe it was. But it left me wondering how things would be like if we got back together. I haven't figured out yet if it would have been any harder to lose you if we were together or. It probably would have been the same amount of pain. Because I still love you, and no one knows it.
"But Rex, I'm in love with someone else too. With Marco. I think that you would have liked him a lot if you'd gotten a chance to get to know him better. I want to be with him now, but I'm not sure if I can let go of you yet.
"That's why I came here tonight. I wanted to say goodbye, and try to get you out of my head. You'll always be in my heart, I can't deny that, but I need to move on."
I sat up and traced my fingers over his name and let a few tears roll down my cheeks. Moving to my knees, I leaned forward and gingerly pressed my lips to the top of the cold stone, feeling as though I was kissing his forehead.
"Goodbye Rex. I love you," I whispered.
As I walked away, the air was suddenly colder. I wrapped my arms around myself and headed to the apartment, my heart suddenly feeling lighter. I wiped my tears away and for the first time that day, a genuine smile broke out across my face.
A/N: Sorry the chapter was late, but it was actually out of my control this time. The site kept giving me errors and wouldn't let me upload my document. This chapter takes place on Saturday, June 20th. How was it? Everyone's POV was included except for Lindsey and Jesse. I know it may seem random that Ellie asked Andrew about University, but I needed to have it in there because it was never addressed.
This will be ending soon. Chapter 20 is the last chapter! I didn't expect it to be over so quickly. And, to give you all a small spoiler, someone is going to die before it ends. But I won't say who.
emphatic loser: Glad you still like it! Thanks for all your awesome reviews.