life in moderation

chapter 3: starless nights and phone calls

Warning: If you're a heavy religious person, please don't get offended by some statements made.

Disclaimer: Nope.

o

The roar of a siren in the distant breaks through the frozen air, along with the sounds of the city. So far below me. Annoying people, worrying only about themselves.

Just like how I used to be.

Am I really all that different?

I lean back against the cold pavement, feeling it's grainy surface against my bare arms as I rest my head on them. The nipping wind sweeps through, marking the coming of autumn. In school, they told us this means bright coloured trees, and geese flying south. Not here. Not in this city, anyways.

I'm trapped by this damned concrete.

This is the only place you can feel the wind at it's best. In the streets, it's an annoyance. Here, it's wonderful. It's like someone without a friend. Lonely.

I used to be lonely.

But now, I can't remember what lonely is.

Reaching up a hand, I pretend to grasp the sky. It's black, this time of night. Plain black, with tinges of blue and grey. There aren't even any stars. They've been drowned out by office windows and neon signs advertising strip clubs, or large billboards covered in scantily clad models. Our mortal stars outshine those of nature, I suppose.

I remember I once wanted a glamorous life. To be famous, or some shit like that.

It was a dream. We all had dreams. Some people wanted to be astronuats, or firefighters, or high social status like I did. We never got it though. Well, maybe some of the bastards called 'classmates' did, but not me.

I figured happiness was beyond me by the time I'd reached high school. I found out I was adopted. My nut-case father had lied to me all that time. You'd think I'd have figured it out, but no. My sister and I were just strangers. As if there weren't enough already.

I called her 'sister', still. Even though she was as distant as those stars. She hardly spoke to anyone. It was all I could do not to let myself go insane.

Things got worse. I experimented with drugs. I ran away for days at a time, sometimes weeks. I wanted my life to end, and wanted to bring everyone down with me. I'd pretend to love someone, if only to hurt them. And then I'd hurt myself. Almost as much as my 'father' did.

Finally I just left, with all the money I could take. I made friends in this city. But they weren't really friends. Just faces I used for my own benefit.

I slept around. I stole from people, and I laughed at them once I was done.

That was me.

It was. But not anymore.

"Kagura."

I don't take my gaze from the limitless sky. Inhaling, I feel the air fill my lungs, cold and awake. That life seems so distant, I can't remember I even had it once. The scars on my back, from my 'father', have nearly healed now, 2 years later.

Shoes clack against the ground beside me, sending faint vibrations. He stands near, his light shadow from the city lights cast down on me.

I shiver. Should've brought out a jacket or something.

I take out my one arm, and place it beside me. Slowly, I pat the ground.

"Lie with me." I murmur to him. His golden eyes gaze down, silvery hairs tossed in the breeze.

"Why?"

"Just come."

He sighs. But slowly he lowers himself to sit beside me. I feel his hands rest on shoulders, and I feel sexy. Which is wierd and stupid. I think that wearing a tube top was maybe the wrong choice for today. He might think I'm a whore or something.

But the strangest thing is, I care whether he cares.

He never takes me out for dinner. We went to a movie once. And then discussed the movie over salad (he's all vegetarian and that).

It's not that we avoid eachother. We just don't go out of our way.

I feel his hands move down, coming around my stomach, and gently they lift. He brings me to sit, as if I'm some over-sized doll. And I sit in his lap, and tilt my head back to look at him.

I wish there were stars. Then I could lie, and say I was looking at them.

"So what sin did I commit to be awarded with your superior presence?" I say through numb lips, and finally the amount of sleep I've been missing begins to catch up with me. He rests his chin on my head, mouth set firm.

I never thought I'd say it, but I'm in love with a man whose prettier than me.

I laugh under my breath, and he glances downwards.

"Something funny?"

"Maybe."

I twist around, so I can actually see him. This feels like a fairly compromising position. In such a situation, one would usually feel either awkward, or turned on.

I'm just sorta happy. Like I'm watching it from somewhere, or reading it. Like it's a memory I'm fond of. Life has become less real.

"No sin," he tells me slowly, as if he's finally found the time to answer my question. "I'm Athiest. Im don't believe there's such a thing as sin."

"Well, what then?"

"I just missed you."

"Is that so?"

"Maybe."

I smirk. He's toying with me again, which is just fine. He looks past me, while I look straight at him. His face is so feminin, I feel the need to laugh again.

I also feel the need to kiss him.

And I would wish for it, but there are no stars.

But who the Hell needs wishes, anyways!

I lean in and press my lips to his. He doesn't respond right away, only when I deepen the feathery contact. His lips are so smooth. Sometimes I think he's actually an angel of some sort. But angels aren't usually jerks.

I don't think angels are real anyways. If there are, they aren't doing their jobs good enough. Just look at the state of the world. Why don't they have a convention down there in Africa? I'm sure it'd be appreciated.

I pull away, watching him open his eyes. The way his expression can be blank, and emotional at the same time is scary.

He scares me.

But I think that makes me love him even more.

Another siren cries. I'm vaguely aware of a plane passing over us, so mucher higher, yet I'm still more free than it. Sesshou-maru has that effect on me.

I kiss his nose, and am able to draw a smile from him, as he takes a deep, romantic breath. He pulls me tighter to him, hands resting on my back, exposed halfway by the tube top (scars mostly covered, though). I like the top, actually, it's black, with red stripes, and a tie in front. Whorish. But that's me.

I never dress up for him. I wonder what he'd do, if I did.

There's no one to see us here, but the clouds. And still, I don't move. I want to tell him again, how much I love him, and how much he means to me. How I adore his stupid habits, and that I even liked it when he got sick a few days ago, and I was able to take care of him.

All I can muster is his name, "Sesshou-maru...", as I bury my face in his chest. He smells like our apartment does.

When I was a kid, I wanted to live in a big house by the ocean. I'd watch the sun set every night from my balcony, and we would make chocolate fondue. I'd eat it with my large family and friends, and we'd laugh and maybe even play cards.

Sesshou-maru carries me back down to our apartment, which is cruddy, and will never, ever see the ocean. On the table, there's chocolate fondue. He sets me down on a chair, and proceeds to sit beside me. We share the fondue. There's not much talking or laughing. I tell him about my crap-tactular day. He nods, and adds some things.

We have no cards. So we don't play. It's not as fun with only two.

On the radio, classical music plays. They also describe it dramatically, and say a bunch of names from other languages.

"Why do we listen to this crap?" I mumble through a mouthful of kiwi and pine-apple.

"Radio's busted." he says, after swallowing.

"That sucks," I comment, and reach my toothpick for the last piece of cantalope. He does the same.

I quickly jab it, cover it in chocolate, and stuff it into his mouth. I have a feeling we could have a fondue fight, only that would probably result in burns and toothpick wounds. Which would be fun, but...

He begins to clean up, still chewing the cantalope. As he walks by, he pushes the button on the phone, so we can listen to our messages. He was out today. I think he's actually getting a job now, since his funds from the last books have begun to run out. He made them last for a long time, though...

"Hey, this is Meiko calling for Kagura! You left your jacket at the library again. Pick it up next shift, kay? Bye!"

I roll my eyes at her perky-ness. No clue how she can have so much energy... I reach for another piece of apple, as the next message begins to play.

"Hello, Kagura. It's been a while."

"Who the Hell-" I begin to mutter, but Sesshou-maru shushes me.

"In case you've forgotten," the message continues, "This is you're fiance. Kagewaki."

My heart practically stops.

Oh, shit.

end chapter 3