life in moderation
chapter 4: Inhale, Exhale, Close Your Eyes
Disclaimer: I don't have much money. If you sue me you'll get Canadian money. Not all that appealing, eh?
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I've never really seen Sesshou-maru get angry. In the first few months I knew him, I thought he was incapable of showing emotion. Little by little, I came to doubt that.
But tonight, he's angry.
"Hello, Kagura. It's been a while. In case you've forgotten, this is your fiance. Kagewaki."
I'm frozen. My hands shake, as I drop the toothpick with the chocolate smothered fruit in my hand to the floor.
"I've missed you."
My stomach begins to churn, and I feel acid leap to my throat. It burns, and tastes awful, but I cannot swallow.
"I know we had some misunderstandings. So please, call me back. My number is-"
The message stops, as Sesshou-maru pushes the button on the phone. His back is to me, and I can see his shoulders rise in breath. Muscles tense and taught, his movement is slow, as if resisting to break the phone.
He must hate me now. I wouldn't blame him at all.
I just didn't want to remember. I wanted to erase my past. I thought if I didn't think about it for logn enough, maybe it would go away.
Obviously it didn't.
I stay still, the noises of vehicles in the streets, and music blaring from the apartment above are all the noise to hear. It's unnerving. I almost vomit, but am able to push it back down. Hurts even worse.
I'm pretty sure he hates me now. I deserve it.
"Kagura."
He speaks my name slowly, and I wince. I blink a few times, almost passing out. Just a minute ago I was fine. Now I'm on the verge of collapsing. Why! I'm not weak! I can deal with this!
"Who was that?" he whispers.
I can't muster anything, voice deplete. Damn...
"Kagura?"
"H-hai..." I choke, my hands clutching my knees tight. I'm so stupid... why can't I say anything?
Slowly he turns around, footsteps over the linolium on the floor. I look down, my vision blurred by tears. I want to scream at myself, hurt myself for it. I don't cry, not in front of anyone. Especially not Sesshou-maru. I hadn't cried in front of anyone since I was... just thirteen...
Another disgusting memory, and I close my eyes fully.
He hates me.
He hates me!
The phone rings again. He reaches over and picks up, then slams it down again. It rattles a little, he's gripping it so tightly.
"Kagura..."
Is he going to say anything besides my name?
"Look at me."
I don't want to. I push my eyes further closed, and it begins to hurt. It's like I was numb before. And now I'm melting.
His fingers touch my cheek, very lightly, and I draw in my breath. I hear him breathing, and I hear my heart pounding, straining. I feel his breath touch my face, and the trails left by the tears goes cold. But he's not yelling at me, like I thought he would be... Like he should be.
Slowly his thumb fumbles over my closed eyelid, sticky with remains of cheap-ass make-up. The red splotches on my vision fade, and I feel another hand on my shoulder. Smooth lips carress my forehead, and my mouth turns in confusion.
As he comes away, I find my eyes open, staring into the tear-blurred image of him. I look up at him, hopeless and empty. My mouth begins moving, trying to make sound, but I can't. Golden eyes catch me, warmth under the coldness usually displayed.
"Come on," he mumbles, "It's late. You should go to bed."
I don't move. I'm beginning to think I'm paralyzed or something.
He lowers his head a little. This would be the point when most would smile and give me a kiss. Not Sesshou-maru. I'm not expecting it, no, not after knowing him this long. He just looks at me, breathing slow. Tantalized.
In the worst of my moments... he can't seem to fall apart...
"I know you don't have school tommorow," he tells me, "But really..."
Is this... some sort of kindness from him?
Another loud ring. His muscles tense up, as he picks up the phone again. He doesn't take shit from people, and I love him for that. Classy about it, too. He puts it down, then, down on his knees, unplugs it. No more phone calls tonight, I guess.
He sighs, and returns to me. It's more than I can bear... I never wanted to be weak. I'm not weak, I just...
Oh, fuck it all!
With a loud sob, I find myself against him, my face pressed into his navy T-shirt. His arms pull me to him, as slowly I'm lifted from the chair. He carries me, still crying hysterically to the bedroom. He lays me down, then still holding me, pulls the sheets over us. Just plain white cotton. A few stains from make-up and markers.
I take time to breath, insanity relinquishing just a little. I'm able to calm myself a little more. And for a minute, my mind catches up to me.
We're in the same bed.
Under the same sheets.
At night.
Damn, I wish I had better timing!
He doesn't ask me about Kagewaki, or ask me anything for that matter. He just rests his head beside mine, and strokes my back gently. He touches my hair, and undoes it from the cheap elastic holding it up. His warmth is all I have, and I cling to him desperately as the tears leak out still.
I'm twenty-one now, twenty-two in a few months. That's nearly nine years worth of tears flowing down my face. I guess it was only a matter of time. It caught up to me... I thought I could outrun it.
I'm still crying, but not as ashamed. I swallow, giving into need of breath, and look into him. He seems half-asleep, but stares at me still.
"I..."
"Tell me in the morning." he mumbles. Angrily, I grab at his hair, smooth and smelling of fruit. I'd accuse him of being gay, but... Again, I find myself wondering about his past. Who was he? And what made him so... cold?
"You're going to listen," I hiss, "Or I'm pulling out your precious hair."
Why do I always do stupid things?
His expression doesn't change, his hands still resting on my spine. With a slight nod, I let go, tilting back my head to see the wall (no headboard, can't sleep with those, and it's not a priority on our budget). Sighing, I muster the words that haunt me.
"Kagewaki Hitomi," the name is unpleasant in my mouth, like to the fondue-vomit of a few minutes ago, "Was my fiance. That was all of two years ago. Two... two goddamned years..."
I shake my head. Bitterly, the scenes in my head remain in full sound and colour. Whomever said repression and brain-washing one's self worked was a lying bastard.
"He... he was going to help me, I think. I'm not sure, but we dated for a while. A long while. The bastard... Got me drunk, and for some reason, I agreed to marry him. I thought he'd get me away..."
I see his face. Alike to my father's, you would think the two were brothers. I see him smiling at me. I see him pushing the ring onto my finger, through my deliruim and iniebriation. I see him... I feel him over me... pushing into me...
"Oh God!"
My hands clutch my head tight, trembling furiously. The voice of the man holding me whispers again, "I can wait until morning", but I refuse.
"No, it has to be now. It won't go away..."
Another deep breath, lungs overflowing.
"One day... One day I left him. Early morning. I took all his money, and all I had, and I disappeared. I had quite a bit of cash then, so I traveled. City to city. Bed to bed. Til you found me."
The words linger a while before settling.
"There's more," he says. Damn, am I that transparent?
I close my mouth, and let the last tear roll down. Of course there was more. There was so much more. More than I ever realized myself. Now that it's out... I feel a little more vulnerable. Naked. But it's alright, I guess.
"That can wait for morning." I nestle into him, sighing. The nightly zephyr rattles our window, howling in lament. I shut out all sound, except for us, breathing, heartbeats, longing. My blood pounds. I can feel my skin against his. Not exactly in a sensual way. In a way of closeness... affection... why do I try to put words on something that has no words? There really aren't any words for anything, not anymore!
Maybe that's why he's so quiet. He uses up all his words in his books. And a few saved for me. Or maybe he just knows that words don't do much in real life besides get you into deeper shit-holes.
These thoughts just wind around my mind, digging in.
I can forget it, can't I? I can let go?
Everything will be forgotten eventually. It's how you spend that times that makes it worthwhile.
"Oyasumi." he whispers. I remain silent. Sometimes, we have to play the other's game. He catches on, and traces lines on my bicep, smoothly. It's like more torture. My second wind died a few minutes ago, sleep beckons, and yet I'm caught between staying awake all night with him or sleeping until noon just for the Hell of it.
The paths his touch makes on my skin plunge down further, fingers weaving through mine. An innocent gesture, yet an ever so alluring one. But my heart is too broken right now, and I thank him. Most men, from what I've known of them, would try and take advantage of me...
Sesshou-maru's different. He's a smart-ass, and pissy, and so completely beyond me. And he's amazing, peculiar... dare I say it, sexy. Nothing I ever thought I'd want in a man. But mear wanting doesn't get you much, so I've found.
He doesn't say another word. Soon his breathing slows, and I count the seconds between each.
1... 2... 3... 4...
Inhale.
4... 3... 2... 1...
Exhale.
1... 2... 3... 4...
Inhale.
I watch him for a while. And then I find myself asleep as well.
Ah well. Least I got to kiss him tonight. Despite all the shit in my head.
And you know, technically... I'm sleeping with him.
end of chapter 4