They Called Him Xir

by Zim of Irk

This is the first of a series of stories I'm currently working on. It deals with how a certain Irken, by the name of Xir, comes to Earth in hopes of escaping the thing he hates with every molecule of his being, the Irken Empire. Read to find out...

3. Relapse of Doom

- Relapse of Doom

Darkness abounded as Zim slowly inched into consciousness, the muffled beep of his pak breaking the silence. First, he groaned as his body complained, complaining for more rest. Wincing, the Irken opened his eyes, blinking in confusion at the pitch-blackness that surrounded him. Zim gave a small flick of his antennae and quickly determined that he was lacking his disguise. Not only that, but something soft and somewhat heavy was laying on top of him, rubbing against his face and covering him from head to toe. Immediately, Zim panicked, fearing that the worst-case scenario had taken him while he had been unconscious. He had been captured and was in the process of being shipped to his horrid final destination, and in a fuzzy sack at that. Zim kicked and flailed with all his might, desperately trying to escape the fabric as it closed in on him, smothering him. Suddenly, the hard surface beneath him gave way and Zim soon found himself falling downwards. Moments later, a small thump sounded as the bewildered Irken landed in a heap on the carpeted floor, trembling in fear. He had escaped the sack, but now he was utterly exposed. If anyone would happen to spot him, he'd be done for. But the last struggle had left Zim weak and gasping for breath. How could he have lost his strength so quickly? Something must have been done to him already. Still in a panic, Zim's magenta eyes sprang open, darting about in all directions in an attempt to analyze his surroundings and, hopefully, determine a way to escape. But his vision was horribly blurred and his mind was working a groggily slow pace, as if he had been drugged or something along those lines.

Everything in the room Zim was imprisoned in was a shade of blue, black, gray, or a combination of those three, immediately ruling out the possibility that he was somewhere in his own base.

Just then, as Zim struggled to get to grips with his senses, the already frightened Irken noticed something encircling the entire length of his right arm, rendering completely immobile. Believing it to be some sort of hideous, alien-restraining device, Zim quickly jolted upright and began clawing at the thing using his left hand in an attempt to remove it, but with little success. "Blasted leeching device," he muttered crossly as the foreign object refused to so much as budge. "Get off of Zim and find something else to leech on!"

Then, as Zim sat on the floor of the room, struggling to remove the splint from his arm, Dib walked in through the open door. He blinked as he laid eyes on the Irken and crossed his arms, watching Zim with a single narrowed eye. "You know," he began in a level tone, pushing the door to his room shut and locking it. "You really should leave that splint alone, Zim. It's kind of, I don't know, making sure the fractures in your arm don't fracture again."

Zim stiffened as his antennae flicked to attention, recognizing the Human boy's voice instantly. "You!" he hissed in reply, bristling with anger as he fixed his narrowed eyes on Dib. "I should've known it was you. You may have caught me off guard this time, but you haven't won yet, Dib!" As he screamed at Dib, Zim was slowly dragging himself away from the Human boy, pointing accusingly at him with his splint-bound right arm. "Thought you could get the better of me by stuffing me in a sack and drugging me with something awful, now did you?" he spat, antennae pinned flat against the top of his head, plainly revealing his fear. "I'll have you beat yet, filth-beast! Just watch!" With that, Zim let loose another spiteful hiss and promptly dug his teeth into the rigid surface of the splint, violently clawing at the strange thing as he fought to rid his arm of it. Moments later, the Irken uttered a strangled yelp and cringed, hissing as tears flooded his magenta eyes.

Dib blinked and regarded Zim with a bored expression. "First of all," he began in the same level tone as before. "The only thing I did to you, Zim, was put that splint on your arm so that it could heal straight and you wouldn't start moaning and groaning in the middle of the night and wake up Gaz or my dad. Secondly, that sack you said I stuffed you in was a measly blanket, Zim! Geez, and people say I'm crazy." Dib rolled his eyes and looked at Zim, expecting the paranoid Irken not to believe a single word he had said.

Zim twitched a single antenna to attention as Dib began his longwinded explanation, but eventually decided it was all just another one of the Human's lies. "And you actually expect me to believe all of that?" he shot in reply, narrowing his eyes to magenta slits. "That's incredibly rich. How gullible do you think I am?"

Dib sighed and returned Zim's glare. "Actually," he sneered. "I think you're a complete moron, Zim, but that's a little far from the point, isn't it? As for you believing me, I already knew you wouldn't. No one ever does, especially not you." Dib looked away from Zim and mumbled something under his breath, looking irked.

Zim frowned and turned his attention elsewhere, still sitting on the floor. "Perhaps that has something to do with your incessant attempts to wrench my innards out and put them on display for the rest of your horrid race to gawk at," he snapped in turn, shooting Dib a sideways glare. "Or is that far from the point as well?"

Dib couldn't stand it anymore. "You know, if your mouth is working so well," he began in an annoyed tone. "Maybe you'd like to do me a favor and get your slimy self out of my room and back to your so-called base, Zim. Before I change my mind and really stuff you in a sack, or something."

Suddenly, three heavy knocks could be heard coming from the front door, followed by a small click as it was opened. Then some low mumbles were exchanged and the door was closed.

"Dib!" yelled the voice of Dib's little sister, Gaz. "Your freaky friend Xir is here!"

The Human boy blinked and smiled, glancing back to Zim to see if the name had happened to jog the Irken's memory.

Zim's antennae flicked forward, but his eyes revealed nothing but a blank stare. "Xir?" he breathed with a squint of a single eye, pronouncing the name as if it were some sort of contagious disease. "Since when did you acquire a friend, Dib?"

Dib let a dark grin spread across his face. "Ever since four days ago," he breathed in a taunting tone. "Three of which you were out cold for." Dib paused, relishing the moment that Zim's face would go pale with fear. "I'm a little surprised that you don't remember Xir, Zim, being as he was the one that, you know, broke your arm in three places and beat the living daylights out of you and all," he breathed with an evil snicker. "Oh, and did I mention he's Irken and would've killed you if I didn't stop him? Just thought you'd like to know."

At first, Zim showed no sign of recognition or interest, but, as Dib explained the identity of his new friend, his antennae lowered and Zim fixed the Human boy with an expression that could only be interpreted a pure horror. He shuddered and turned a very light shade of green, memories from his encounter with the heavily built, murderous Irken flowing through him like a terrible poison. In a matter of seconds, Zim's breath was coming in short bursts and he scrambled to his feet, magenta eyes darting around the room and searching for an escape route. He lunged at the door and wordlessly shoved Dib out of his way, jiggling the locked doorknob violently before trying to pull the door from its hinges with one foot pushing frantically against the doorframe.

Dib winced as Zim shoved him to the side, regarding him with a clearly annoyed expression. "Zim, yeah, the door's kind of locked," he began with a raised eyebrow, noting that the terrified Irken was well beyond the borderline of reason. "So you have to, you know, unlock it before it'll even budge. Yeah…"

Zim soon abandoned his attempts at escaping via the door and spun around, clearly not making sense of a single word the Human boy had said. He panted and darted his eyes around the room once again, blinded by his need to flee. Zim then bolted across the room and began hurling things out of his way, chairs and delicate electronic devices included. Everything he moved, or rather threw, aside landed with a barrage of noise, shaking the floor with the endlessness of it all.

Dib blinked as Zim's panic turned to destruction and practically yelped when the monitor of his computer collided with the wall beside him. "Phew-man, Zim!" he yelled in reaction to the growing chaos, jumping to the side when Zim launched the computer processor unit into the wall to join the monitor. "What're you doing? There's nothing down there, you moron! Stop! That computer cost more than your life! Cut it out, Zim!"

-:-

Meanwhile, downstairs, Gaz was seated on the living room sofa, silently playing her GameSlave 2. She was halfway through the game and had every intention of finishing it within the duration of the day.

Xir, who had just entered through the front door a few minutes ago, was currently wandering the living room with his hands stuffed into his jeans' pockets and his shoulders hunched over in their usual morose fashion. He glanced up slightly as the ceiling shook and loud yells could be heard, but eventually decided that it was none of his business. Xir shrugged his shoulders and made his way over to a nearby table that rested against the wall behind the sofa, on which a few framed pictures stood. He blinked and carefully lifted one from the narrow table with a single hand, looking over it with half-closed eyes. It was of a tall man in a long, white lab coat with a zigzag of black hair sprouting from the top of his head. He wore a pair of reflective goggles over his eyes and was shaking hands with a considerably shorter individual in a dark blue suit, the collar of his lab coat concealing his face from the eyes downwards. Xir frowned and glanced to the other pictures sitting on the table, noting that this tall man in the lab coat appeared in all of them. "Is this scientist guy your guys' dad or something…?" he asked in a low voice, glancing back at Gaz for a few seconds.

Gaz shrugged and continued playing her game. "Yeah," she breathed in reply to the sullen Irken's question. "You didn't know?"

Xir set the picture down and quickly stuffed his hand back into the pocket it had come from, looking back at Gaz with his usual surly expression. "No…" he breathed in reaction as he shuffled towards the kitchen.

-:-

Upstairs, the rampant chaos had not quieted in the least and Zim's panic was slowly transforming Dib's room into a junkyard. Nearly all of the furniture, with the exception of the bed, was either overturned or lay in shambles and any books that had not already been flung aside, were now functioning as hardcover projectiles.

Zim was darting from one corner of the room to its opposite, mumbling unintelligible nonsense to himself as he paced, his right arm hanging limply at his side. Every now and then he would snatch up a book and hurl it at Dib, identifying the Human boy as being the single thing that was preventing his getaway.

Dib, having long ago had his fill of Zim's blind destruction, was busy trying to make his way towards the window beside his bed in order to lift the latch and give the panicked Irken a means of finally getting out of his room, but couldn't so much as point at his intended destination without getting a book thrown at him. Minutes passed and he simply couldn't take it anymore. "For crying out loud, Zim!" he snapped, shooting the Irken an irritated glare. "If you'd just let me get to that window, I could unlock it and you can go ahead and fling your paranoid self out of my room… or… what's left of it…" Dib sighed and narrowly avoided a computer keyboard as it clattered noisily against the wall behind him.

Zim didn't seem to hear or even care about what Dib had said, much less understand it. For all he knew, the Human boy was the enemy that wished nothing less than to chop him up and put his lifeless corpse up for display. Which was something that he had no intention of going through with, no matter the circumstances. Zim scrambled to the corner opposite the window and bed and huddled against it, antennae pinned flat against the top of his head and magenta eyes wide with panicky fear.

Dib watched the Irken for a second or two before deciding to take advantage of the opening and dive for his bed. He sprinted and vaulted over the metal footboard, tumbling as he landed atop the springy mattress. Then, as the tail of his black trench coat flowed to one side, Dib undid the lock on the window latch and threw the window open, shooting a backwards glance at Zim. He then leapt down from the bed and snatched up a spray bottle, aiming the nozzle directly at the Irken with a flourish. "Out of my room, alien!" he yelled with a glare, inching towards Zim. "Before I squirt you to death. Out!" With that, Dib lunged towards Zim and pulled on the trigger, sending forth a long squirt of rancid-smelling water.

Zim screamed as the Human boy charged towards him, ducking as the water splattered harmlessly on the wall behind him. He then rushed forward and nimbly jumped out of the way of Dib's attack, shoving the Human boy to the ground as he hurdled past him. Zim jumped onto the bed and promptly flung himself out of the window, not hesitating to even glance down at where he would end up. He screamed as he fell, causing an avalanche of noise that eventually ended with the high-pitched meow of a startled cat.

Dib groaned as he eased himself up from the floor, glancing back at the open window and glaring as he tossed the spray bottle aside. He surveyed his previously intact room and grimaced. There was hardly a single thing that hadn't been utterly destroyed or horribly mangled by Zim's panicked rampage. Dib had to come up with an explanation for the mess and soon, either that or he would have about seven hours to clean his room and make it look as if nothing had happened. "Great," he muttered angrily, crossing his arms. "One more problem to ruin my day. That's two computers totaled in one month!"

-:-

Meanwhile, Xir had returned from the kitchen with a bag of Señor Salsa tortilla chips and was making his way over to the sofa, quietly opening the bag and snacking on a few of the fiery triangular chips at a time as he sat opposite Gaz. He glanced over at her and watched as she played a gaming device that the gloomy Irken recognized as being the same as the one he had bought only a couple days ago. "What game is that?" he asked in his usual tone as he swallowed a mouthful of the piquant chips.

Gaz opened a single eye and glanced to Xir, not sure what to make of the green boy. "Vampire Piggy Hunter III: Curse of the Demon Hog," she replied flatly, turning her attention back to her GameSlave 2. "What's it to you? Are you a gamer?"

Xir shrugged his shoulders and quietly munched on a few more chips, not seeming to even be phased by the concentrated spiciness. "I was just… curious… I guess…" he breathed in a low tone. "Yes and no… I only started playing stuff a few days ago…" With that, Xir fell silent and turned his attention elsewhere, his brief moment of curiosity having been satisfied.

Then, the small click of a door being unlocked and then opened sounded from upstairs, promptly followed by another click as the door was closed.

Gaz muttered something under her breath and slowly got to her feet, silently making her out of the living room and down the branching hallway, which led to her own room.

Xir glanced at Gaz as she left, but kept his usual silence, removing from the beige satchel at his side his copy of "Curse of the Were: Bloodlust." He then brushed off the front cover and opened it, flipping through the pages and continuing his reading from where he had left off mid-page.

Just then, as Gaz stalked off and Xir preoccupied himself with the morbid novel, Dib came trudging down the stairs and stepped into the living room. He soon spotted Xir on the sofa and sulked over to him, practically throwing himself down where Gaz had previously been sitting and looking irritated.

Xir glanced to Dib and raised a single eyebrow, studying the Human boy's face and blinking in reaction. He shrugged and quietly shut his book, storing it back into his satchel without ceremony. "What was all the noise about…?" he asked in his usual tone, turning his emotionless gaze to focus completely on Dib.

"Another one of Zim's death monkeys… or… something like that," Dib muttered in reply, crossing his arms and letting loose a long, irritated sigh. "My room's a disaster area and there's no way my dad will replace two computers in one month! I'm really in for it once he gets home tonight, that's for sure. One more reason for him to be disappointed in me." Dib shook his head from side to side in dismay, wishing he had just left Zim laying in the front yard of his base when the gnomes had attacked him, rather than dragging the Irken all the way to his room. "You know something, Xir," he continued with a frown, looking to the sullen Irken.

Xir blinked and glanced to the side, his face emotionless. "What?" he breathed in reply, rolling up the nearly empty bag of Señor Salsa chips and stuffing it into the back pocket of his baggy, black jeans.

"I hate my luck," the Human boy muttered, sinking into the back of the sofa. "It really, really stinks." With that, Dib rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling, feeling trounced.

The corner of Xir's mouth twitched into a slight smile as he watched Dib, letting loose a single huff of hissing laughter. The thickset Irken glanced to the side and slowly got up from the sofa, brushing the chip crumbs from his shirt. He then reached into his satchel and dug around its contents with one hand, nodding mutely when he had found what he was looking for. Xir pulled into view a thin, black DVD case that was square in shape and had the words "The Werewolf: Fact, Fiction, or Something Else" printed in neat handwriting on a label on the cover. He then shuffled over to Dib and tossed the case into the Human boy's lap, stuffing both hands into his jeans' pockets moments later. "You forgot it over at my house a couple days ago…" he breathed in his usual low tone. "So I came to give it back… yeah… I'm going home now…" With that, Xir hunched over his shoulders and trudged towards the front door.

Dib blinked when the square case landed in his lap, quickly nodding his thanks and turning his head to watch Xir leave. "See-you at skool tomorrow, Xir," he breathed with a smile and a wave, a certain gladness beating inside of him. He had found a friend in the most unlikely of individuals.

Xir glanced back at Dib and cocked his head faintly in reply, taking hold of the doorknob and turning it with a small click. He then stepped outside and slowly closed the door behind him, shuffling towards the sidewalk and sulking out of view.

Dib grinned and looked to the DVD case in his lap, picking it up and suddenly realizing that it was holding two discs instead of one. He frowned slightly at this and carefully opened the case, removing the actual DVD Xir had returned to find another beneath it. It looked rather old and was red and black in color with the words "Reports #5 and PIONEER Probes" printed on a white label in the sullen Irken's knifelike handwriting. Dib blinked and stared at the beaten up disk with bewildered confusion. "I wonder if it'll even run?" he muttered to himself with uncertain curiosity. "There's probably a reason why it's so scratched up, but what? Maybe Xir put it in here by mistake. Yeah, that's it. I'll give it back to him tomorrow." Dib nodded at this and was about to put the DVD he was holding back into the case when he noticed a small strip of paper sticking out from under the ancient label. Curious, the Human boy pulled it free and began reading it out loud. "This is something I've had for a really long time and think that you deserve to know about," he muttered quietly to himself, narrowing his eyes at the message. "It'll clear up a lot of questions you probably have about me and explain what happened a few days ago. Wear headphones. Signed, Xir." Dib gulped, reading over the message at least twice again before deciding that it was truly written in Xir's handwriting. Although he was sure Xir was his friend, he wouldn't ever want to get on the Irken's bad side for looking into something he shouldn't. "Well…" he breathed in an hesitant tone. "If he really thinks I should watch whatever's on this thing, then I guess it's alright to run it on one of dad's old computers. Why should I wear headphones? Is it bad or something? Well, if Xir says I should, I'll take his word for it. Man, this is weird!" With that, Dib carefully put the DVD he was holding back into the case atop the mystery disc and got to his feet, stuffing the case into his jacket pocket and making his way out of the living room. "Now," he added in a truly sardonic tone as he started up the stairs to his room. "To see if I even have a set of headphones anymore, or at least one that works." That having been said, Dib reached the top of the stairs and entered his ruined room, muttering something about short aliens, panic attacks, and broken computers.

-:-

Meanwhile, after much ducking and hurling oneself behind various objects, Zim finally arrived at his base. A black cat hissed and let loose a high-pitched yowl as the Irken lunged for his front door, sending the creature running for cover. Once there, Zim shot a shifty-eyed glance at the street behind him, just to make sure he wasn't being watched. He managed to spot a hideous, legless man sitting on a foldout chair on the sidewalk not too far from his house, but decided that the fat Human hadn't noticed him in the least. Zim then gave a firm nod and entered his base, right arm dangling flaccidly at his side. Once he was inside and the front door was securely locked and closed, he looked around the living room and released a long sigh of relief, leaning against the door and grinning to himself. "Home sweet base," he mumbled to himself as he flicked his antennae forward happily. Zim then began marching across the living room towards the kitchen when, rather suddenly, he was knocked clear off of his feet by none other than his defective SIR unit, GIR.

"Master!" he squealed shrilly as he sat atop Zim's pak, taking hold of the Irken's antennae and tugging on them as if they were reigns to a horse. "I missed you, horsey! Carrot!" GIR then began giggling insanely as he climbed onto Zim's head and stuffed a large carrot into the Irken's mouth. "They orange and they goods for you! Neigh!"

Zim winced as he came in sudden contact with the floor, narrowing his eyes in aggravation when GIR's shrill voice screamed into his head and the sizeable carrot was shoved unceremoniously into his mouth. He gagged and slowly got to his feet, brushing himself off and promptly pulling the carrot out of his mouth as he looked up at GIR with obvious irritation. "Get off my head, GIR," he breathed firmly, chucking the carrot to the ground in front of him. "I have to get down into the base below as soon as possible and I'm not going to let your nonsense interfere."

GIR pouted and jumped down from his master's head, his eyes shining red for a brief moment as he stiffly saluted Zim. Seconds later, the red light in the SIR unit's eyes was replaced by the usual turquoise and GIR settled himself down in front of the television to watch an Earth movie about cowboys, horses, and spear-throwing natives.

Zim regarded GIR with a raised eyebrow before shaking his head resignedly from side to side, marching past the little SIR unit and into the kitchen. He then lifted open the lid of the blue trashcan with one hand and climbed into the disguised entranceway, mumbling to himself as the elevator made its slow descent into the base below. "That horrible Xir," he muttered spitefully to himself, glancing to his useless arm, still bound in the primitive splint. "What did I do to deserve this sort of retaliation? No doubt, I was lucky to escape with my life. More irrefutable proof of my amazing skills. That murderous defective will pay dearly for what he has done to me! I will not rest until he is back on Spek where he belongs!" Minutes passed and the elevator soon slowed to a stop at the communications chamber that Zim often used to contact the Tallests. Wincing with every step, Zim made his way towards the large screen and typed in the Massive's coordinates, planning to inform his Tallests of all that had happened to him. "Oh, he will pay," he thought to himself bitterly as he waited for his transmission to be given clearance. "How he will pay."

As Zim stood there, plotting his revenge against the homicidal Xir, the screen flashed to life and two empty command chairs could be seen. One was red in color, while the other was purple, hinting at the owner of each. An Irken command drone carrying a tray of snacks wandered in front of screen seconds later, whistling happily to himself. Then, getting the notion that he was being watched, the drone turned his attention to the screen and blinked, quickly hurrying on his way before Zim could say a word.

Zim frowned as the drone marched off and out of view, looking to one side of the screen to the other with his antennae perked sharply forward and searching for his apparently missing Tallests. He muttered something under his breath and allowed his antennae to lower impatiently, deciding to preoccupy himself by picking at the splint on his right arm, wincing as pain shot up his shoulder with every tiny poke.

Just then, Tallest Purple poked his head into the scene on the transmission screen, a large, circular device attached to the front of his complex purple, dark violet, and lavender uniform. The object was black in color and had a small, red light at its center that flashed continuously. In one hand, he held a rather large, black gun of sorts that was attached by a thin wire to a black box strapped to his waist. Purple hovered about cautiously, glancing this way or that. By the looks of it, he was so involved with what he was doing that he hadn't even noticed that Zim's transmission had been given clearance. Purple blinked and scratched at his chin as he thought to himself, turning his gaze upwards and frowning as he tried to figure if there was a something red climbing about the ceiling of the chamber. He muttered something under his breath and glanced to the screen repeatedly, his antennae flicking forward as he met eyes with Zim, a truly dumbstruck expression on his face.

After a few minutes of nothing but sharp stabs of pain, Zim decided to leave his broken arm be and turn his attention back to the screen, watching Purple's movements with his usual black stare, waiting to be noticed. As soon as his Tallest had turned to face him, the small Irken grinned and perked his antennae forward once again.

Purple glanced from side to side nervously, flicking his antennae forward as he focused his gaze back on the waiting Zim. "Hey!" he uttered out in a strangled tone, looking over his shoulder at a nearby command drone. "Aren't we supposed to be warned or something before you let his transmissions through?"

At that exact moment, Red leapt out from behind his command chair with a flourish, sporting the same strange, black equipment as Purple and aiming his firearm right at the device on his counterpart's chest. Seconds later, the trigger was pulled and a quick series of beeps filled the air, following by Red's sniggering.

Purple jumped as the infrared laser from Red's gun hit its mark, causing the device on the front of his uniform to vibrate so violently that it sent the purple-clad Tallest falling to the floor. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Make it stop!" he screeched, hurling the gun at a passing command drone as he desperately tried to remove the device from his chest. "Nyaaaaahhh!"

The drone blinked as he watched the scene unfold between the two Tallests, antennae flicking forward as the gun was rocketed at him with such force that it caused the poor Irken to loose his footing and fall from the side of the command platform, screaming as he fell into oblivion.

Red struck a dramatic pose, brandishing his gun above his head as he laughed. "That's three to zero!" he boomed, crossing his arms and regarding Purple with a single narrowed eye. "Lasers! Hah!" Red was just about to go on a rant about how laser tag is the greatest thing ever invented when his crimson eyes wandered to the transmission screen, blinking as his crimson eyes fixed on Zim's magenta ones. "Zim? Didn't you already report in this week?"

As Red took notice of Zim, Purple continued to scream and flail about on the floor in distress, uttering something of a war cry as he pulled the device from his chest and hurled it out of view, causing yet another command drone to scream out in startled pain as the object rocketed away. As soon as he was sure the horrible, vibrating device was well out of range from himself, the purple-eyed Tallest got to his feet and brushed himself off, grinding his teeth together and clenching his fists in frustration as he spun to face Red. "You and your lasers," he complained, pointing accusingly at the other. "You know, I would've beaten you if we had a proper playing field! Yeah! With smoke and black lights! But no, I had to play it your way. It's just not fair! You hear me! Not fair!"

Red blinked in reply to Purple's vocal tantrum of complaints, watching him with half-closed eyes. Once he was sure his purple counterpart was finished, he pointed at the screen with a single slender finger. "It's Zim," he explained to Purple, turning his attention back to Zim seconds later. "This is twice in one week. You know the rules, Zim. No Invader is allowed to do two reports in one week! We're busy, you know."

Zim blinked in reply to Red's scolding, glancing to the side for a second or two before taking a few steps closer to the screen, his right arm swaying limply at his side. "But this report is important!" he explained with a certain urgency to his voice. "Please, my Tallest. I have valuable information concerning the location of the infamous defective, Xir!"

Purple blinked in reply to Red and glanced over his shoulder at the screen. He glanced from side to side as he slowly turned to face forwards, folding his hands behind his back as he watched Zim with his usual indifference. Then, the small Irken let that single, daunting name slip from his tongue and silence choked the chamber, causing every drone present to look up from his or her work and lower their antennae in uncertainty. Purple flinched at the mention of the murderous Irken, frowning severely at Zim and he motioned for him to keep the talk low. "What about the infamous defective, Xir?" he hissed with something of a shudder, not wanting unnecessary rumors to flood the Irken media. Just then, the purple-clad Tallest noticed something about the small self-proclaimed Invader's appearance. The right sleeve of the small Irken's uniform was heavily stained with purple blood and a circle of very dark green, hinting at severe bruising, surrounded one eye. His right arm was dangling somewhat lifelessly at his side and both knees were bandaged with a double layer of gauze, which were also tainted with traces of his own blood. "What happened to you?" he asked bluntly, forgetting his first question immediately as he regarded Zim's injuries with a blank stare.

Zim opened his mouth to rant about his encounter with the homicidal Irken when Purple shot him another question, this one directed at him. He gulped and shuddered as the horrid memory of the confrontation with Xir played in the back of his mind, knowing very well that instead of injuries he could have very likely been killed. "That's… not important," he replied in a level tone after a few prolonged seconds of consideration. "My Tallests, Xir has made Earth his latest base of operations and has attempted to blend in with the Humans by attending skool. I was fortunate to escape with my life. Due to the circumstances, I request for backup so that I can successfully capture him for the good of the Empire."

Seconds of silence followed as both Red and Purple exchanged uncertain glances in reaction to Zim's explanation and the request that ended it. Red frowned and scratched at his chin, silently hovering forward a few paces and motioning for Purple to come closer. The two then quickly huddled together and turned their backs to Zim, holding another one of their whispering conferences amongst themselves.

Purple's antennae lowered as he looked to Red with uncertainty, shuddering some at the memories of the gruesome reports made concerning the horrible mutilations Xir had been responsible for. "I thought that maniac was locked up or dead or something!" he hissed in something of a panicked tone, purple eyes wide. "What're we going to do? What if he's on his way back to Irk? That would be horrible! I don't want that awful thing showing up twice in our rule. No way!"

Red blinked in reply to Purple's hysterical words, rolling his eyes in irritation. "He's not," he replied in a level whisper. "Why would he? If he goes back there, he'll get caught for sure and he knows it too. Why else do you think he's settled down clear on the other side of the universe?" Red paused, antennae bobbing as he thought up a plan. "No, my plan is that we don't do anything at all. Let Zim deal with it. That way if that homicidal freak snaps, we won't be losing anything we'd regret being rid of. Get it? We'll just give Zim another mission to keep him busy. One that'll probably kill him."

Red nudged Purple teasingly and exchanged wry smiles with his purple-eyed parallel as they both turned to face Zim once again, glancing to one another craftily. Red cleared his throat and began putting their hideous plan into action. "Alright, Zim," he began in a level tone, holding himself proudly with both hands folded behind his back. "We've come to a decision about the current situation with Xir."

Zim jolted to attention as Red addressed him, perking his antennae forward eagerly. "You're sending me the help I asked for?" he breathed with a broad grin, practically jumping with utter joy. "Oh, thank-you, my Tallests! Thank-you! You won't regret it, I assure you! That Xir will be back on Spek within the week, I swear it on my honor as an Invader! Oh, you have no idea how…"

Red let loose an irritated sigh and promptly interrupted Zim's ranting, holding up a single hand to silence the ecstatic Irken. "No, Zim," he continued in a firm tone. "We're not sending any help. As I'm sure you know, every available Irken soldier in the Empire is currently on planet Meekra assisting in the battle against the Meekrobs. The entire operation depends on the outcome of our conquest there. Very important stuff, you see."

Purple nodded to Red and continued where he had left off. "Due to that, it seems that you will have to deal with the capture of this dangerous defective on your own," he added with a nod. "We have every confidence in your skills as an Invader, Zim. The capture of Xir should be relatively easy task for you to manage when compared to the conquering of an entire planet!"

Zim seemed to go slightly pale and his antennae drooped as he listened carefully to the words of his Tallests, his eyes wide with cold fear. He gulped and nodded shakily in reply, dreading the very thought of facing Xir alone once again. For a long while Zim held his tongue, his gaze fixed on the floor as he shook in his boots. "And… should I happen to succeed in this secondary mission you have assigned me, would there be a reward involved?" he asked in a mechanical way, his mind obviously fixed on something a bit more troubling than whether or not he would be rewarded in the end. "Not to sound ungrateful for the second chance you have given me in the first place, of course, but he is the most dangerous Irken defective in the Empire. Surely the one responsible for his capture would earn themselves, say, a good deal of good things, no?" Zim turned his attention back to the screen, looking from Red to Purple without a trace of emotion on his usually grinning face.

Red blinked at Zim's strangely emotionless expression and looked to Purple, shrugging in reaction as he cleared his throat and thought up a hasty answer to give Zim. "Yes, yes, lots and lots of awesome stuff, Zim, I'm sure," he confirmed with a solemn nod, struggling to keep himself from bursting into laughter. "Ships, weapons, you name it! Just catch that murderous Xir and deliver him safely to Spek and you'll get your reward. Payment on delivery, Zim. Payment on delivery." As he said this, Red put extra emphasis on the last sentence by making quotes in the air with both hands as he went along.

The corner of Zim's mouth twitched into an automatic smile at the thought of being praised with mountains of stuff to do as he wished with. Not wanting to disappoint his Tallests, or influenced them into deciding that no reward was necessary, the small Irken allow a grin to spread across his face. "Stuff is good," he breathed with a chuckle, trying his best to keep up a convincing façade to hide his true feelings towards the whole situation. "A fleet to call my very own? Vortian slaves to do my bidding? I suppose that's a reward worthy of the capture of the notorious defective, Xir the homicidal. Yes… yes it is…"

Purple's eyes filled with tears as he listened to Red play along with the small Irken's wishes and watched as Zim bit the bait, exploding into a sudden fit of violent coughing to hide his laugher. Minutes passed and, eventually, the hilarity of it all grew too much for purple-clad Tallest and he fled the scene, ramming over an unsuspecting command drone in the process.

Red grinned in response to Zim's expected shift in mood. "Well, make us proud, Zim," he breathed with a snicker, glancing towards a nearby command drone and motioning for the transmission to be cut. His snickers soon transformed into devious sniggers as he turned his attention in the direction of Purple as the purple-clad Tallest exploded in high-pitched wails of uncontrollable laughter. Then, the screen went blank.

As the transmission came to an abrupt end, Zim stood there in silence, staring straight ahead with unblinking eyes as his antennae quivered, all of the fake enthusiasm drained from his face. Certainly, the reward seemed worth the effort, but what good would any sort of payment be if he died in the process of earning it. Disturbing images of the surly, thickset Xir haunted Zim's thoughts as the small Irken tried to figure a way to fulfill his new mission without getting himself mutilated beyond recognition in the process.

Just then, GIR wandered up to his motionless master with a large, plush moose sitting atop his head. He looked up at Zim and smiled, his pink tongue sticking out in its usual way as he turned to face Zim front to front. "Aww, why're you so sad, master?" he asked in his squeaky, metallic voice. "I know what you needs! Moosey hug! Yay!" GIR squealed and wrapped his arms around his master, squeezing Zim until the Irken's spine made several snaps, cracks, and pops.

Surprisingly, Zim didn't flinch, or even blink, in reaction to GIR's bone-crushing hug, allowing the soft, brown fabric of the plush moose to rub against his face without notice. He was too absorbed in his doom-filled imaginings to take heed of anything around him, much less a hug from his defective SIR unit.

GIR released Zim and looked up at his unresponsive master with a small frown, the antenna atop his head lowering. The little SIR unit then lifted the moose from his head and lightly placed it atop Zim's, smiling broadly as he giggled to himself. "Come on master, I gonna make you all betters!" he squealed blissfully, firmly taking hold of his master's left hand and leading Zim towards the elevator. "We gonna watch movies and eat food and play games and eat food! I make you me frosty waffles, you'll love'em you wills. They got sprinkles. Sprinkles! They yellow and tastes so good."

Zim left eye twitched as he mechanically followed GIR in a lingering daze, his mind caught up in a swirl of terrible situations that could play through while attempting to capture the dangerous Irken. No matter the kind of approach he considered or the method of capture, he always arrived at the same conclusion of pain, terror, and overall failure. Zim gulped. "I… am… doomed…"