life in moderation

chapter 11: coffee-stained scrapbook

AN: Thanks again to Numisma for beta-ing. If you haven't seen the Shichinin-tai arc, or the first movie some characters will be unfamiliar.

Disclaimer: I have no rights to Inuyasha.

She seems unstable.

Kagura sits beside me on the bus, the fires within her dimmed. One hand holds mine tightly, the other covered in bits of melted chocolate from her éclair. A bit of cream hides under the curve of her bottom lip, but she's able to manipulate her tongue to get it off.

I usually try to avoid taking the bus. The seats and windows are filthy, and the people are detestable. But we both know we'd rather not pay for another taxi.

She looks out the window, wiping a bit of grime from the pane. Her eyes skip over the buildings, painfully. Memories, most likely. We all have them. Memories are what make a person who they are, yet as we learn new things, our memories are rewritten, free of our will. So I guess much of our 'reality' is actually dream, or fantasy. That which we create of our will.

Each of us lives in our own world, meeting those of others briefly, but still staying so separate. They are a part of our experience, but we still are different. In this aspect, we are alone.

"Hey."

She faces me, giving a little smile and holding up an éclair.

"You sure you don't want one?"

"No thanks."

She shrugs, taking a large bite. A few people are watching us, but they quickly look away when I catch them. A junior high boy stares obsessively at his GameBoy and a group of teenage girls giggle, shifting their overflowing shopping bags. Whining comes from the front of the bus, where a child is being hushed by his mother, the father seemingly asleep.

Just people. Unknowing faces. But any of these faces could be one of her memories.

I doubt she was ever pure. No being is. But for him to soil her as such, to darken her shade so much…

I can't help but be glad he, her ex-fiancé, is dead. Gone. Unable to hurt her anymore. The look on her face when she heard his voice was that of a soul breaking, imploding upon itself. I've seen flickers of something like that in the last six months. It's still inside of her. He gave air to that spark, and forced it to grow into a consuming blaze.

Only a truly black heart could do something like that. He forced himself on her, into her. He knew she would come. I wish I could've done something.

Rage boils inside of me, at him, for how he hurt her. She's quieter now, subdued, like he took part of her when he departed this world. He raped her, destroyed her. It is unforgivable. I was surprised when she was able to let me hold her. She's strong that way, refusing to let it smother her. But it seems to be affecting me as well. I'm almost afraid to hold her, when I think about it now. What if I hurt her?

The rage turns, directing its slitted eyes at me. Its wings unfurl, reptilian and blood-red, flame licking at its lips. I shouldn't have let her go, especially alone. How foolish of me. I let her get hurt. Pain inserts itself in my gut, and begins twisting. This self-loathing, guilt…

A little of it is directed at her, for not telling me. How she didn't want me involved. It frustrates me.

But I can't change it. There's no point in imagining or trying. Still, this vulnerability, this new aching inside of me, still refuses to let up so soon.

Pursing my lips, I look over to her, shifting so we're closer. Almost like I have to reassure myself she's here, and not just some figment my own wishfulness feeding to my mind, as opposed to letting me drop off the edge of my own sanity. I know now, more than ever, I don't want her to go. It's strange, really, caring for her, needing her, and wanting her. Before now, I'd shunned any emotion. My family meant nothing to me. No one was ever anything more than an associate, a classmate, a stepping stone.

Kagura makes a noise, stopping to swallow before continuing. "Here's our stop!"

I shake my head a little, trying to clear it. I trust her in going to this doctor. She says she knows him and his secretaries. Apparently they run a service mostly for free, able to get what they need cheap. Mostly just helping runaways who've gotten mixed up in drugs or prostitution. I myself have never been in this world, but I have observed. Watching someone go through a bad trip has to be one of the most frightening experiences I've ever had…

Suddenly, the end of an éclair is shoved through my lips, and Kagura winks at me before scooping up her bag and heading off, the ends of the jacket she borrowed from me trailing after her.

o

The walls have been painted cranberry since I was last here. There's a few beanbag chairs for anyone waiting, but only two are filled: one by a girl with a mohawk, the other by two guys having a thumb war. Behind the desk sit the two receptionists, slacking. One is re-applying her lipstick, her hair pinned up in two buns. The other has long, lavender hair, and she doodles mindlessly on what's probably someone's file.

"Here."

I feel Sesshou-maru's hands on the collar of my coat, beginning to strip me of it. Giving him a nod, I let him take it from my shoulders and hang it on one of the brightly painted coat hooks. I think he likes playing Hero. Right now, he's probably suspicious of this place. There's a graffiti mural on one wall, and numerous names and messages scribbled in marker on top of the paint. But it's still the same place.

"Shouldn't you two be working?" I ask loudly, heading over to the desk. The two women look up, both pairs of eyes widening.

"Kagura-chan!" the first exclaims, popping the cap back on her lipstick.

"It's been so long!" The second reaches over the desk, holding out her arms. "Are you just visiting for the weekend, or what?"

"I've got a place across the city, Hari-chan," I tell her, returning her embrace. Ruri rushes over, not wanting to miss out. We stay that way for a while until we need to breathe again, and let go.

These two, Ruri and Hari, have been working here for a while. They were working for Menomaru, a powerful drug lord and a nemesis of Naraku. Trafficking had been their business, and they had been some of the best. Unfortunately, both were nearly killed in a drug bust, and wound up in the hospital.

They were sent to a detention centre for only a few years, since it was their first offense and they were minors. I had heard of these girls; they were extremely skilled at not getting caught, and apparently they never had to blow anyone besides Menomaru. In any case, they ended up joining up with the doctor here, and opening this little place with the hospital's support.

It's basically a walk-in clinic for kids who are on drugs, or have STDs, and don't want to go to the hospital. No operations or anything, though Suikotsu has helped women give birth, or so I've heard. They helped me out, and I even worked here (not for profit, mind you) for a while. But eventually I was restationed across the city, my veins pretty much clean. That's when Sesshou-maru came in, and contact between us faded.

But they were my first sort-of saviours. No one likes checking into rehab, and they, along with the doctor here, were able to get me pretty clean of drugs. I had seen what it did to people, but part of me just couldn't stop. I owe these girls a lot, and I feel kind of bad for not keeping contact. But you can't become too close. People come and go all the time, and there's no time to grieve. Most of the time you don't even know what happened to them…

"Ooh, who's this?" Hari peers over my shoulder, inspecting Sesshou-maru, who stands with his back to us. "I didn't know you went that way, Kagura-chan. She's got nice hair."

I glance back, and Sesshou-maru turns around with a sharp glare. He heard. Hari just winks, and Ruri sighs.

"Um, his name is Sesshou-maru," I tell the girls, and Hari raises an eyebrow.

"He's awful femme. So you're-"

"Yeah."

The girls squeal, and laugh a little. They haven't changed either, I guess. Sesshou-maru hmphs and leans against the wall, too dignified to sit in a beanbag chair.

A thought hits my mind, and I realize something that has changed, or at least is missing right now. I peer around the desk, eyes weeping through the empty space behind the desk. "Wasn't there a girl that was working here?"

Both pairs of eyes dart to the floor.

"Yeah," Ruri starts, "she… just a while ago, she overdosed…"

"She's in rehab," Hari continues, grabbing Ruri's hand. "It was too much for us to take care of. She was really bad, Kagura-chan, probably one of the worst I've seen. Her little sister is still in an orphanage. But we have Tsubaki working here now. She's a little older, and sort of vain, but still nice. I was afraid she was gonna become a BP, a baby prostitute, but she's all right, and lives in the same shrine Kikyou stayed and helped in."

"I'm sorry," I offer, squeezing the shoulder of each girl.

A smile comes across Ruri's face, and she leans in a little closer, whispering in my ear.

"I would feel a little more sorry for Suikotsu-san. I know Kikyou had more than a little bit of a crush on him. He's about ten years older, I know, but he still seemed to care for her, even though she sorta had a boyfriend." She gives a little lovesick sigh. "Suikotsu was the one that found her in the bathroom here one night. And after she left, he worked so hard, as if to distract himself…"

To save money, anyone who works here gets to stay the night, and they all chip in for meals. Smart, I think, and it's fun to stay up all night talking with friends, crazy as they were.

Oh yeah, and I bet you were wondering… yes, Ruri and Hari are together.

"I heard my name. Did someone call?" comes a soft male voice, and a head peeks out of the hall. Soft dark bangs fall into his eyes, as he stumbles back. "Kagura!"

A woman in her twenties walks out and turns to speak with Ruri and Hari; meanwhile, I greet this clumsy doctor.

"Suikotsu." I laugh, helping him right himself. "How are you?"

"Fine, fine," he says, scanning me with his eyes as if to check my condition, the way doctors do. Behind us, I hear Sesshou-maru give a another 'hmph'.

"Oh, this is my boyfriend, Sesshou-maru," I tell the three employees. "And these are Ruri-chan, Hari-chan, and Suikotsu."

He gives a nod, coming over to shake Suikotsu's hand. It's like two parts of me are colliding. Being here is nice, like I'm in the past, and Kagewaki wasn't… hasn't…

I thought I was free from him then. But was I?

Shivering, I wrap my arms around myself, then feel Suikotsu place a hand on my shoulder.

"So why are you here?" he asks me seriously, and I wince.

"It's a bit of a long story," I tell him. "You have people to see. I'll let you get to them first."

He tighten his lips, withdrawing his touch. "It won't be long, I promise you."

Nodding, I lean against the wall near the desk, Sesshou-maru standing beside me. Maybe I should've called, but I want to get this all out of the way as soon as possible. I hope I'm not pregnant, but even if I am, an abortion will fix it. We can forget it; we can move on.

It's like catching the flu. You can take some medicine, stay home for a few days, and after your body makes you throw it all up, you can go back to work and resume life. You'll get the flu again, most likely, but you can prevent it. And you get used to it, but it still hurts.

I'm just a little sick, that's all.

"I would kill for some coffee," comes an unfamiliar voice, and I look up to see a girl, about fifteen. She leans against the desk, looking rather tired. Black tresses fall into her face, ruby lips caught in a scowl.

"Come on, lunch was only a few hours ago," Ruri says, looking up from braiding Hari's hair.

This girl, I'm guessing to be Tsubaki, makes a face at them before putting a folder back on the shelf. "You two should do more around here."

She doesn't remind me at all of Kikyou, which is both good and bad. I didn't know Kikyou very well, but she was kind, if a little stoic. Recalling her image is a little frightening, since she looks eerily like Mrs. Higurashi's daughter, Kagome. I've almost called her Kikyou a few times. Maybe they're related or something.

Sesshou-maru holds my hand now, squeezing to remind me he's here. Not going anywhere. Things can be fixated and stable now. We can keep ourselves grounded.

o

Kagura pulls her shirt back over her head, my examination of her finished. I keep my eyes to the page as I scribble down my notes. They say doctors have messy signatures, and I guess I'm part of that stereotype. I can only read my own notes because I've been doing it for so long, and had to translate all my notes from University. Wasn't all that long ago when I graduated, really.

I keep a photo of that day in the frame on my desk. There are two others that accompany it. One of a group I used to belong to, which I keep hidden, since I can't bring myself to throw it out. The other and last is the most recent, a picture of Ruri, Hari, Kikyou and myself here at the office. I still think it's amazing this place has remained open.

"So, Suikotsu?" Kagura inquires, sitting down in the chair next to me.

I sigh. "You should probably go see a real doctor."

"Come on, you know more shit than they do in the hospital."

"You're fine, except for the bruises and scrapes," I tell her, not in the mood to argue. "If your period doesn't come when it's supposed to, it might be from stress, or from a pregnancy, or it could be just a fluke. But I'm glad you came in."

She looks out the window, trying to distract herself. I had to hear the whole story, and she told it to me while I went over standard things, looking in her ears and eyes. It's horrible, what the world is these days. I had to ask her, though, if she was lying, and if her injuries were really the fault of the silver-haired individual waiting for her. I believe her that it wasn't, she looked so offended! But the words she used in her retelling were vague, muffled. I didn't pry any further than I had to; that would be unfair. I gave her a minute to break down before recomposing herself, and then recommenced the checkup.

"So, how are you?" she asks quietly, fingers resting on the windowsill.

"I told you, I'm fine." I give a little smirk. "And so is my other side, since I know that's what you're really asking. It's impossible to hide anything from you, isn't it?"

If someone comes to stay here for a while, I have to tell them, for their own safety. Though I hide it, bury it deeply with pills, my other side still breathes. It wants blood, but has not yet driven me to kill… in a number of years. I have as much control as that. And I know it hates me; it has for so long. To ignore it, I shoved my head into textbooks, graduating early from high school with scholarships to medical universities. But it still wants just a taste of death.

It's frightening, you know? To be examining someone's abrasions, and have the urge to make them bleed more.

"Not impossible," she says quietly, answering my previous question.

"You should see a psychiatrist," I tell her firmly, "I know you've been through a lot, and that would mess with anyone's head."

"I don't have time for a freakin' shrink," she growls. "I've had worse. It's being dealt with, Suikotsu. Leave it."

"But Kagura-"

She shakes her head firmly, not wanting to see. I can only imagine what she's seen, and I'm surprised she's not insane. Maybe she is. Maybe we all are.

"Alright," I say. "You can go, now, before that boyfriend of yours comes in here and rips my throat out."

She gives a dry laugh. Closing up is her way of protecting herself, not letting anything in.

The door shuts, and I look to my photographs. Kikyou smiles at me still. I feel bad for being so affectionate towards her, since she was a decade younger, but she seemed so old sometimes, so worn.

Some nights she would stay here instead of at the temple that offered meals and shelter for the homeless, as she was. She used to stare at the ceiling, looking like a child yet an old woman at the same time, and I stared until I couldn't look at her for the fear that came over me. She got up, unable to sleep, and curled up near me by the window. She had her own futon, as did I, while Ruri and Hari shared one in the next room. So we were in the same room those nights. Our first mistake.

It wouldn't have seemed as bad if we were older. But she was young, and it was wrong.

But she was the one that leaned over and kissed me. She left me speechless. She was the one with sad, aching eyes. It went no further than kisses and small embraces, but those in themselves were like a bomb dropping upon us.

She wrote me a letter from rehabilitation, but I've been afraid to answer it. I wish Kagura would hit some sense into me. I know she would if she had the chance. I envy her boldness. Unfortunately, the bright essence of it seems to have wilted.

I hope that Sesshou-maru can help her rebuild.

There is nothing worse, in my mind, than seeing someone you love broken, and knowing you didn't do anything to stop it. To watch, and know you can't fix it.

o

"How did it go?" Sesshou-maru asks as we head out. I don't think Ruri and Hari did a very good job of making him comfortable.

"I'm good. We just don't know if I'm preggers yet," I say, trying so hard to be my old self.

He nods as we walk out onto the sidewalk. The air is corrupted, and the world looks distorted. It suddenly doesn't seem so empty, and it's not just having Sesshou-maru here. No, those few moments of peace are leaving us already, aren't they?

I don't say anything. We just board the bus and head home. Maybe it's just me.

Hours later, the sun has set and we eat dinner by light bulb illumination. I insisted on being able to go to school tomorrow, and he still demands he walk me there. I slide into bed and close my eyes tightly, trying to rid myself of all thoughts besides the fact that I am okay. After hearing the dishes clink against the drying rack, I feel the covers being pulled back, and he slides into bed next to me. I freeze at first, as we lie apart. I feel sick of myself. He wouldn't want to lie with me after what's happened.

But he takes me in his arms, just lightly, acknowledging my wariness. He holds me, gives me warmth to swim in, instead of drowning in the cold, where I have been stripped of sanity. His fingers work their way into my hair, and he tells me he loves me. I burrow against his chest and feel him kiss the top of my head. Then, we become still, aside from breath and slight movement. No sex. I don't think I even want to think about that for a while.

We just lie together, in what I guess is now our bed. It's warm, and I push back any tears. I want to be stronger than that for me. For him.

I think I'll be okay.

I can be okay.

end of chapter 11