life in moderation
chapter 12: all these things inside my head
AN: Sorry for the wait. Bad Ebony. But I had a lot of stuff going on. But first off, life in moderation was nominated for Best Characterization (Kagura), and Best Romance: Alternate Pairing for the first quarter of 2005! Please go, join and vote for me!I'll put a link in my bio. Thanks to Numisma for beta-ing and the nominations, along with Gal Sharp and Gorgeosity Made Flesh for seconding. Made a great birthday present.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.
Well, I'm not pregnant, so that's a relief.
It's been about two weeks since the whole 'incident', for lack of something else to call it, and already it's sunk into my mind, nesting with all the other vivid scenes and sounds that still stalk me. I'm not on my period anymore, which is a relief. It's a total pain in the ass (the abdomen, really), but it's better than morning sickness, or the emptiness that follows an abortion. Like there's a hole inside of you, rotting and empty, where death has decided to take residence.
There was no way I could've kept the child. It was Hitomi and me, just another reminder, only his one alive and demanding my attention. Caring for it would've caused an abundance of problems that I don't need right now. I may sound uncaring, but that's the way it is.
Telling Sesshou-maru the news was interesting, to say the least. I went with my usual approach of being blunt, the best way to avoid stuttering embarrassment or awkwardness, and just blurted it out between mouthfuls of Cheerios. He gave a little nod and poured some more coffee, and it stopped there.
He's managed to work out a schedule where he can walk me to and from classes and work without missing much of his own goings on. In one way, it's annoying that he's so paranoid, but I guess I'm glad for it. I feel safe and protected, like someone who doesn't have to run. But what I like even more is that he's taken to holding my hand. At first I was being reckless to piss him off, walking on the curb like it was a balance beam, and nearly fell into the traffic. He didn't let go after pulling me away, and it's sort of become a habit.
We're just another couple in the sea of city life, trying to keep our heads above water, exchanging breath. It doesn't feel so urgent though, not like what everyone else is experiencing. It's not sex, party, sex, movie, sex, party, argument, sex, gossip, break up, get back together, sex, etc., like it is for a lot of people. No, it's different, but what it is I can't find words for, or easily pinpoint. It's calm, constant and beautiful, warm sun on my skin as we float on our backs.
But in the same way, it's like the soft quiet wind that embraces you just before a thunderstorm.
The computer beeps as I check in the books, the late afternoon coming to a close. Reading Week is almost finished, so I've had time to relax, and make some extra money working with no schoolwork to stress about.
I roll my neck, feeling the muscles stretch as I go from left to right, catching a glimpse of the clock in the process. Sesshou-maru should be coming to pick me up soon. A bit of a smile comes across my face; I can't help it.
"Zoning out again, Kagura-chan?"
I look lazily to my left, where Mieko has just entered. "Maybe…"
Laughing, she hangs up her jacket, putting her very late lunch on the counter with her purse, keychains clanging against it. Mrs. Higurashi comes in behind her, giving me a little wave. They were just out buying some new books from the little used book store a few blocks from here. I'll have to look through them, see if there's anything worth my time (now that I have a little to spare).
"How have things been?" she asks, in her quiet librarian voice. I'm not your typical library worker; not too polite unless forced, not good with kids, not good with incompetent people… Like that bitch that was here today, complaining that she couldn't find what she was looking for, when it ended up being on the shelf where it was supposed to be the whole time! I had to struggle not to explode on the idiot!
"Fairly busy." I shrug.
"Was that girl here today?" Mieko asks.
I give her a confused face. "What girl?"
"There's a girl that's been coming on and off for the past while. I guess I didn't mention it to you. You haven't seen her, though?"
I shake my head. "What does she look like?"
Mieko frowns, closing her eyes to ring up a mental image. "Really pale, with really light hair. She's short, and looks a little thin. A teenager, I think, or a little younger. We were a little worried about her, since she looked kind of sick, and…" Her eyes open, and she glances at me. "And she looks… very lonely."
In this city, there are a hell of a lot of people.
And I only know one pale, thin, female teenager like that.
But she's not supposed to be in this city…
"Do you know her or something?" Mieko asks, walking over to me. Damnit, was I making a face?
"I don't think so…" I say quickly, turning back to my almost finished pile of books.
"Are you sure…?" She reaches a hand to my forehead, brushing my bangs away from my face. As she lets go they sweep back in, like an inky black flood.
"Positive," I say forcefully, and she raises her eyebrow a little.
It's true though. I don't know Kanna. I barely did know her when I left, and it's been quite a few years. She's 17, if she's even alive. Her birthday is March 21, but we never celebrated after elementary school. Father was fonder of her than he was of me, because she wasn't one to defy. She sat there quietly, at dinner, during our arguments, while he hit her. She hardly spoke a word to me, even when she was a child. The teachers were concerned and asked me about it, but I wormed my way around the question. She's just shy, she's just not interested. That wasn't it.
He beat the feeling out of her.
When we were kids, we were almost a normal family. Until we started messing up, and he found how much he liked the screams I gave. She was just a side dish. There were others he adopted. Some ran away. Some just disappeared. We weren't real siblings, and we didn't pretend. I think he sold one girl as a whore, judging from all the dirty older men that came over just before she went away. Her room in our large, perfect-looking house was nearly untouched. Just some of her clothing were missing. There were holes in the walls, that I'd heard her make one night. I don't know how he got away with taking in the kids. But everything can be covered up if you have enough connections.
I hope Kanna is still alive… She was the closest thing I ever had to family…
She didn't deserve it.
But what if it is-
The clearing of someone's throat draws me back from my thoughts, and I look up, nearly dropping the laser pen used to scan books. Sesshou-maru stands in the entrance, his hair slightly tangled from the wind. I try to wash the images of Kanna from my mind, so vacant, not wanting him to worry.
"Sesshou-maru-san, how are you?" Mrs. Higurashi greets him cheerfully.
He turns his head to acknowledge her. "All right. And yourself?"
"Pretty good," she answers. "I haven't seen you in a while. How's the book coming?"
"The editor's got his hands on it now," he says, with his little air of arrogance that's almost smug, and almost mockery.
"Well, good luck with that!" she says jokingly. I guess editors can be a bitch, from the tone she used. Speaking of which, he's coming over tonight, or so Sesshou-maru said. He did the last two books, so he can't be that bad, seeing as Sesshou-maru didn't get a new one. Some talented people can be total assholes, though.
I check in the last book, tossing it to the pile with the rest of the ones needing shelving. Grabbing my coat, I say a quick good-bye, hesitantly meeting Mieko's eye. She's not going to leave this alone, I know. I wish she would. But that's tomorrow's problem.
I turn to head for the door, feeling another, shorter body crash into mine. I stumble back, and smaller hands grab at my coat to help keep me stable.
"I'm sorry!" Kagome yelps, backing away. "It was my fault!"
"It's okay… I wasn't watching either," I say, heartbeat returning to normal. I admit, that was a little frightening.
The black-haired girl steps away, clutching her preteen clothing store bag to her chest. Looks like she went shopping. Her eyes dart up to Sesshou-maru, and she seems to stiffen as she sucks in her breath.
"Um, hi… Nishino-san," she says quietly, performing a little bow before continuing over to her mother.
I laugh. "Someone has a crush on you…"
He doesn't respond.
"Oh come on, it's cute!"
As we head for the door, I can hear their conversation vaguely. Mother and daughter.
"I got what I needed for my project, Mom, and that shirt I liked."
"Good. You're heading home now, right, Kagome?"
"Well, I was thinking of going to look around at that neat little store that just opened first, but I'd go straight home after that."
There's a pause as Mrs. Higurashi thinks. "Just don't take too long. Grandpa will be worried."
"Thanks, Mom!"
Mom…
I guess that would be me, to that child I discarded.
I wouldn't have been a good mother anyways.
It's lucky, in a way. It didn't have to see the wreck its mother is, and the asshole its father was. I couldn't take care of a child!
What's done is done; there's no use debating myself over it!
"Kagura."
Sesshou-maru's hand is resting on my shoulder, and for the third time in a short while, I'm sucked back to reality, the cold wind nipping at my cheeks as we head out onto the street. He doesn't say anything, which is nice. I'm developing a very nice migraine.
I begin to open my mouth to say 'I'm fine' but… it's not fine. Lying to him will do no good; didn't I learn that already?
"I was just thinking," I start. "Mieko mentioned a girl they'd seen in there, that looked a little sick. When they described her… it sounded like my sister. Not my sister by blood, but my adopted sister. Both of us were adopted." I don't look at him through this. I keep my eyes on the billboard up ahead, feeling his hand still on my shoulder. "And I was… I haven't seen her in a long time."
His hand moves down to grasp mine firmly, and I look up at him. Headlights cast odd shadows over us as they pass by, and his eyes catch the light, almost glowing. He was listening and it shows, though he doesn't push me for more, letting the information settle on him.
"You got siblings?" I ask, feeling substantially better.
"'Do you have siblings?'" he corrects.
"Whatever." I start into a run as we cross the street, pulling him along a little. They have this stupid counter, now, just below the Walk/Don't Walk sign, that counts how many seconds you have left to cross (because too many old people were getting run over).
"Not exactly," he answers, anyways.
"What does that mean?"
"He's my half-brother," he says bitterly. "My father had an affair with a whore from the lower class. I assume my half-brother has been adopted. The entire family corporation fell apart when I was thirteen, so I went into group homes, unable to salvage my family's already soiled honor. My mother killed herself, and my father became careless, and after ruining everything, was shot when he got himself caught up in scandal. The whore died of some disease soon after."
I nod, not sure what to say. No wonder he's so unemotional, though. I'm glad he trusts me. I feel bad for him, like I want to make it better, but I can't.
Even still, I like this. Knowing more about him.
Trusting, holding onto something…is beginning to seem a lot more worthwhile…
A lot more…
o
Up in the branches of the great tree, half-hidden by the leaves that have turned red and are falling, I can see him. He seems to be thinking, since he doesn't see me. I guess it's better he hasn't, so he doesn't have as much a chance to run away. He comes to this park a lot. Well, he doesn't really have anywhere else to go…
"Inuyasha!"
He startles, grabbing onto a branch near him for support. His eyes flash angry gold as he turns to face me. "Shit, Kagome! I almost fell!"
"Sorry." I sigh, looking up at him. "Come down!"
"Why?"
"Look, I brought you some food!"
"Feh. I don't need your charity."
My eyes narrow at him. "I'll come up and get you if you don't."
"Ha! I'd like to see that!" he snaps, but in a few seconds he's dropped down in front of me, arms crossed over his chest.
"Aren't you cold?" I ask, pointing to his T-shirt.
He snorts. "I'm fine, girl."
Sighing, I begin rummaging through my bag. While I was out shopping, I decided to get some snacks for him. I met Inuyasha a while ago in the park here. He was as reluctant and rude as he is now, but he talks to me sometimes. He doesn't have any family, only himself and the streets, so I decided to help him out.
"Here." I hand him a package of dry noodles, which he quickly snatches from my hand, hopping onto the park bench situated beneath the tree. I can't hold back my giggles as I sit on the back of the seat, watching him.
After a while, he turns back to glare at me. "Staring problem."
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"What, you brought drinks too?" he asks eagerly.
"I meant a 'thank you'." I sigh, taking the hot chocolate from the other bag. It was a hassle, not spilling it while still carrying everything else.
He takes a small sip, yelping. "Fuck! It's hot!"
"That is why it's called hot chocolate. Don't curse." I rest my chin in my hands, watching him enjoy his meal. He's too proud to beg, often. I know he falls asleep here sometimes though, and people will slip money in his pockets. I wish he would go to the shelter and get adopted, but that wouldn't suit him. People give him a hard time for everything.
"Hey, Inuyasha?"
"Yeah, what?"
"Do you have a brother?"
He stops suddenly, putting down the hot chocolate. "Not really."
"That doesn't make sense. You do or you don't. You can't 'not really' have a brother."
"Well I do!" he snaps, grip tightening on the cup. The muscles in my legs tense up. I know he's capable of hurting me but… he won't. I know he won't.
"I just saw someone that looked like you," I say quietly, not wanting to provoke him further. "And I was curious. I thought maybe you could live with him or-"
"That bastard wouldn't lift a finger for anyone he deems below his uppity ass!" Inuyasha snaps, taking a large gulp of hot chocolate.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry for shit that's not your fault, Kagome. That's how people end up getting hurt." He finishes up the meal and stands, beginning to head off.
"If you're cold," I yell to him, "go to the library for a while! It's better than freezing to death!"
"Mind your own business!" he shouts back, that stubborn look still on his face, long silver hairs brushing against his cheeks as the wind tosses them. He wrinkles his nose and continues walking, ignoring me.
But under his breath, I'm sure I hear a "Thank you."
o
Oh, the joys of Advil!
I lay on our bed, my head throbbing. No matter how many pillows I bury it under, it won't stop! Sesshou-maru would only let me take the number of pills the bottle recommended, and I'm in no mood to properly argue (especially with him), so I'm stuck here, dying, until it decides to work.
I roll over, bumping my head into the wall. Groaning, I pull myself up. Maybe getting a glass of water or something will help. With the sudden change of state, the blood rushes from my head, and I dizzily stumble forwards, hands finding the door before I crash into it.
I wince, reminded sickly of the 'incident'. That's why I hate silences. When I lie awake, my thoughts begin attacking me. There's nothing to distract me as I'm bombarded by them.
Clutching my head, I head down the short hallway, glad the lights are off. As I enter the living room-ish space, I notice Sesshou-maru standing opposite a small man sitting on a couch. I guess this is the editor.
My first thought is that he looks like a frog. I can't help it; he does! His eyes are large, and his skin looks an odd texture. He sits funny too, hunched over a stack of papers. He makes a face as he looks up at me.
"W-who are you?" he asks in a squawky voice. Ugh, a frog/chicken.
Sesshou-maru clears his throat. "This is my girlfriend. Kagura." He motions to the little man. "Jaken. My editor."
I give a feeble wave, trying not to laugh. "I'm just gettin' some water, then I'm going back to bed."
Jaken makes another face, and turning what he seems to think is discreetly to Sesshou-maru, he says, "Sesshou-maru-sama, you never mentioned-"
"Are my personal affairs any of your business, Jaken?"
"No, Sesshou-maru-sama."
Forget editor. This guy's acting like a servant or something!
I grab a cup and quickly fill it with tap water, splashing a bit on my face. I take a swig, wincing. The water is bitter and metallic, leaving an aftertaste I'm not all that fond of in my mouth. My feet drag as I head back into the other room, onto the cheap grey carpet that covers the floor. I lean on the couch, eyes scanning the little letters that cover the page, black on crisp white. This just makes my headache worse, and I blink a few times, taking another sip of water. This isn't making it any better at all.
"You should try and sleep again," Sesshou-maru says, as Jaken eyes me. "We won't be very loud."
I scowl, knowing he's right. "Fine. Don't have too much fun without me."
I wonder if a nice alcoholic beverage would make the headache go away for a while…
No, that definitely won't work (and will just give me a bigger one in the morning). Man, when was the last time I got hammered? We have beer that I drink often, but I haven't been all-out drunk for a long time. Seeing Sesshou-maru drunk would be amusing. Knowing him, though, he'll have a high tolerance and will barely be affected while I'm stumbling around. Still, I'll have to find out sometime…
I collapse in bed again, after setting my cup on the headboard. Wrapping my blanket tight around me, I close my eyes tightly in hopes I'll get to sleep before I start regretting.
That hope turns out to be a lost cause.
Hitomi's face comes first. I pull the blanket over my head and try not to picture him. Whenever I see him, he's dead, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth as he stares at me from across the room. Everything is vivid, as if I'm really there. I'm not, though, I keep telling myself, but I'm still trapped there.
One would think seeing him dead would give me peace. It doesn't. And again, I begin to lose my hold on what I know and what is real to me. Same as every night. I can't keep it from stretching out and ripping, my fingers cold and numb and beginning to slip.
Go away!
My thoughts are rapidly moving, from one scene to the next, sprinkling me with little pieces of memory, pieces of things I hoped for, some that I still do.
Before, I wanted never to get tied down. But I like it here. I want to spend longer here. I can't capsize yet. I can graduate college, and get a real job in design and advertising, or maybe working in one of the boutiques in the city. I could get married. Not too long ago I would have laughed at the idea, but I'm beginning to want these things, more and more.
But how can I expect things to turn out? I've never had control. I always end up getting used or some shit like that. How long can I keep this up?
I bang my head against the wall, able to smell the paint that coats the cool surface.
Maybe I should keep an eye out for that girl Mieko mentioned. Maybe it is Kanna. My 'sister'. We were never all that close. Maybe we can be. She was always so unemotional, like a ghost drifting from room to room in our big dirty lie of a house. They painted everything white. She dressed to match. It always smelled fake.
I can't keep running away and pretending.
But I'm still doing it.
I tell myself I won't, but I do anyways.
Still, why would she be in this city? We lived in another, an hour or two from here, where all of Naraku's 'friends' lived as well.
Cold, I pull the blanket more around me, not wanting to get out of bed and get a sweatshirt. My hands prickle with numbness, and a lump has developed in my throat, seemingly impossible to get out. The throbbing in my head has become like background music, an unending loop that just plays and plays.
It has to stop somewhere.
I'll find something real.
o
Every night, the nightmares come after Kagura. She mumbles things, most on the verge of nonsensical, and tosses violently, clinging to herself, or the pillows, or me. I've considered getting her some sleeping pills, or something to help her, but medicine usually makes things worse, and she'll become dependent on them. I've tried to wake her up gently, but rarely does it work.
I close the door to our bedroom softly, as an attempt not to wake her. She seems to be sleeping serenely, but as I draw closer, I can see her eyes are open, watching me.
"Can't sleep?"
"What do you think?"
Without bothering to change from my day clothes, I lay next to her. Tiredly, she nestles into me, but I can feel her muscle are tight and aware, twitching as I put my hand to her forehead to check for a fever. To my relief, she feels normal, if a little cold from the temperature.
"How did your book thing go?" she asks, brushing my hand away.
"We have some more sessions, but it should be shipped off to the printers soon."
She nods. "Your editor looks like a frog-man."
I guess that's true. Jaken was part of my father's council, and stuck with him when everything was falling apart. Severely annoying, but he is loyal. He demanded being the editor of my work when I submitted it to the company he worked for, having switched jobs after the company crashed and burned.
Kagura's hands press against my shoulders, and she pushes me onto my back, crouched over me. There's barely time to react as her lips touch mine, first coyly, but then firm and determined. I take hold of her waist, kissing her back, both body and mind excited to do things I've wondered about and wanted to do. Still, I hold back.
The 'incident' was only two weeks ago. He hurt her. More than that, he put her through mental and physical torture. She was broken when she came back.
I don't want to do that to her. I have absolutely no intention of ever doing anything of the sort. But accidents do happen.
My father just happened to love two different women. My mother couldn't take the betrayal. He didn't want her to die. But love kills. Love likes to set you on fire and watch you burn. I can't help but wonder what will happen to us.
Because yes, I do love her.
I pull her close to me, almost feeling my own self shake. It's too soon to go very far. Too soon could break her.
My movements elicit a bit of a sigh from her, and her hands move to my neck. Hopefully, she'll be able to sleep tonight.
I won't make the same mistakes my father did.
End of Chapter 12