life in moderation
chapter 16: Confrontation
I hope this turned out alright. It's a little short, but this needed its own chapter. Thanks so much to all those who continue to read and review, it means so much. Un-beta'd.
I disclaim
I have his book sitting in my bag. Sesshou-maru's book, that is. The one about me. He got a bunch of free copies from the publishing company and decided to give one to me, while the rest continue collecting dust in the closet.
I admit, I feel a little bad for not reading it yet, but I do mean to eventually. I'm not that much of a bitch, even though Christmas and New Year's have already blown by and the spirit along with them. Ugh, it makes me feel old how quickly time seems to be going… I mean, it's as if one day it I was lounging around with the fear of exams behind me and hardly anything to do besides work, and now I'm back in class again! I almost miss those damn carollers from the church that kept coming around… almost.
But back to the book.
Sesshou-maru's been out on a bunch of book-autographing and interview type things. I know he hates them, and it's amusing every time he's called and invited to go on another one because he gets this pissed off look as if he's going to smash the phone. Yeah, he's definitely not what you would call a 'people person'.
Anyways, he's been away the past few days for publicity and what have you in the next city over, but he should be getting back tonight. I hope he does, anyways. It's lonely without him, and I'm not nearly as focused without him constantly reminding me of what I'm supposed to be doing. Knowing me, I'll probably become entirely distracted one something or other and hardly get a page read – for class or for him – in the few hours I should have before he gets home.
As I walk through the parking lot of our apartment building, I pass a group of young teenage, all laughing and joking and smoking in excessive amounts, grey wisps swirling about their heads like halos. A few look at my as I head by, with those usual teenage eyes - looking you up, down and all over in a sneering, judgemental way. I glare back.
You can tell those ones are the 'it' kids. All the kids that somehow feel they are better than everyone else to the extent that the everyone else starts believing it with them. When I was their age, I never really cared about them, and never really understood them either. And sometimes in high school, all the 'it' kids would get together and form one huge group, just one big 'it'. A huge moving blob that gnaws and slowly engulfs anything that doesn't quite fit. Pretty scary shit, that average teenage life.
I hurry past them and into the building, my body grateful as the heating takes effect and I'm no longer shivering every few seconds. Damn winter wind. I'm tired from the walk home so I take the elevator, even though it smells kinda weird, as always, in a way that can be described no other way then 'elevator smell'.
As I reach our door, I dig into my pocket for the key, having to strip off a glove so my numbed fingers can properly grip it. I'm about to unlock the door when I notice it's already open a crack… That's a little more than weird. I know I locked this morning because I double-checked as to make sure that I didn't forget. Or maybe Sesshou-maru is back early. That's probably it, yeah.
Stupid me being so freaking paranoid all the time…
I push open the door and step inside, thinking at first that the lights that are now on have confirmed my suspicions of Sesshou-maru being here. Taking a second glance at the living room, I find I am somewhat wrong.
And then I realize there's a gun pointed at my head, and somewhat turns into an understatement.
I'm really fucking wrong.
I can see Bankotsu and Jakotsu sitting close but not touching on our couch and Suikotsu in a chair opposite, avoiding everyone's eyes. When he looks up at me he looks scared, almost like an animal, and… shamed? That can't be right…
Bankotsu is the one holding the weapon – sleek, black and larger than your average handgun. I've seen guns before, but no matter how many times one is pointed at you, you'll still get a chill, a skip-step-flutter in your heart, and a feel of intense vertigo crashing down on you. Vulgar words repeat over and over in my head, thoughts scattered and refusing to form coherence.
Don't panic, don't panic…
I'm too confused to panic.
What the Hell are they doing here? What are Bankotsu and Jakotsu, and Suikotsu all doing together? In my apartment which was locked this morning? And with a gun? A gun pointed at me?
"What is this? A practical joke?" I hear myself asking sarcastically, on the verge of mindlessness and all too nervous laughter.
The right side of Bankotsu's mouth lifts in grin. If his eyes reflect humour, it sure isn't the 'ha ha, got you good!' type.
"Nope," he says smoothly. "And I don't suggest doing any moving, alright?"
Holy fuck shit, he's not kidding, I don't think he's kidding, oh shit shit shit!
"Hey, why'd it get so quiet all of a sudden? Hey!" a voice comes suddenly from the kitchen. I hear a few footsteps but can't see anything for a few moments due to the divider between where I am and the kitchen, but then a man comes into view. He glances at the others and the gun, then follows their looks over to where I'm still standing like a moron, the snow on my shoes melting onto the carpet. My socks are getting wet. Damn.
He doesn't look much older than Suikotsu, with his head is shaved bald and his black dress shirt and faded black jeans. A smouldering cigarette rests between his lips, held with a much more experienced way than the chain-smoking 'cool crowd', a long piece of sooty grey ask threatening to fall from the tip.
"Well, hello there," he says, raising a hand to his mouth to remove the cigarette before speaking. "I take it you're Kagura."
I nod. Who the fuck is this? And once more, what the fuck is going on?
"Nice to meet you," he chuckles.
Meanwhile, the intense look of displeasure on Suikotsu's face has deepened, his mouth twisted awkwardly and his cheeks blanched in the pale opposite of a blush.
"Is that really necessary?" he asks Bankotsu, glancing at the weapon that still stares me down. "Couldn't you put it away?"
Jakotsu rolls his eyes exaggeratedly and leans towards Suikotsu. "Oh, grow up, would you?" He reaches down beside him and picks up another gun - this one smaller - and dangles in front of his face with two elegant fingers.
"It's bad enough we didn't get to bring anything fun, but you want to spoil it by making us put away these too?" he asks in almost mock-injury.
"You're such a sadist," Suikotsu mumbles in return.
Jakotsu just laughs – light and airy like a child, but eerie and awful as well – as if he's said something incredibly funny. "Oh, I know! Even just these give you ideas, don't they? Make the old you want to spill a little bit of blood?"
Lucky for me, the attention has now shifted almost entirely to Suikotsu, and I feel my muscles and lungs loosen. Suikotsu, though, is rapidly becoming unstable. His knuckles are going white as the skin stretches thin over them, fingers gripping the arms of the chair so tightly that it's almost shaking. The chair leg creaks as he shifts his weight; we both wince. This is… this is unlike any time I've ever seen him, just adding to the huge well of questions and fear is the result.
Yeah, I'm scared right now. Who in some state of sanity wouldn't be? Although the 'What the fuck?' s have calmed down, they've left me with a large, white space where my thoughts should be working to try and get this figured out. Kind of as if I've drifted off to somewhere else and have just decided to watch this whole thing unfold from afar while my body is set on autopilot. Comforting in the same way it unsettles me.
Eyes narrowed into slits, Suikotsu glares at Jakotsu. "Shut up…"
Jakotsu wears a smug smile, but before he can speak again, the bald man interrupts him.
"Lay off him, Jakotsu, seriously. We didn't come here to kill her. You're getting sidetracked."
I try not to exhale too quickly, but hearing that you're not going to die is a very, very good thing in a situation like this one. I'm tempted to sneak away while they're still bickering, but Bankotsu still has the gun pointed at me and I'm not stupid enough to try.
The weirdest thing about it is I don't trust him enough not to shoot me. Despite my confusion, all that is in front of me is real, or at least I think it is. I don't have time to play philosopher with myself right now, it will just give me a bitching headache. Maybe this… this is what the annoying little voice in the side of my head has been trying to warn me about the last month through my paranoia. I don't know.
I hate not knowing…
Jakotsu pouts at the bald guy. "But I thought we could kill her pretty little boyfriend if we wanted! And what are you talking about, me getting side-tracked when you raided their fridge and had a smoke! What the fuck is wrong with you, Renkotsu?"
The bald man (Renkotsu, I guess) shakes his head. "I did that before she got here, not right after. All you're here for is back-up and to pick the goddamn lock, which any of us could've done with a fucking paper clip anyways."
"You're an ass." Jakotsu spits.
"Look, shut up, both of you!" Bankotsu not quite yells, but his tone shuts both of them up.
Jakotsu crosses his arms, and looks away while Renkotsu goes on smoking (thank you, not only does someone I thought I knew point a gun at me without explanation, but his friend is trying to kill me with second hand smoke too. What a great day this is!). Suikotsu leans back in the chair with his eyes closed, as if trying to calm himself down.
"Kagura," Bankotsu says finally, and far too casually. "Come sit down."
Slowly, I coax my fear-struck body into moving. Slow step by slow step, I make my way into the living room, each detail of the four growing painfully closer and more vivid. Bankotsu moves over a little to make room for me on the far right of the couch, while he and Jakotsu take up the rest. Renkotsu remains standing.
"So," I say once I've taken my seat, "anyone care to tell me what the Hell is going on?"
Suikotsu opens his mouth, but Jakotsu shoots him a harsh glower.
"You stay quiet for now."
Renkotsu mumbles something about Jakotsu PMS-ing, and the effeminate man goes back to sulking.
This has got to be the weirdest, most unorthodox incident of its sort ever. Did I fall off reality a little while ago and not notice? Did someone slip something into my goddamn coffee?
"Anyways," Bankotsu says to me, looking a little more than pissed off at this point, "we're here for a specific reason. And to make it clear, I'm probably not going to kill you."
Probably.
"You see," he continues, "my friends here - Suikotsu, Renkotsu, and Jakotsu - all used to be in the Shichinintai with myself three others. We were assassins, essentially. We killed and whatnot for whoever was paying, no loyalties and no rules. But we disbanded, for reasons that you don't need to know. A few of us continued doing the odd assignment, but for the most part led somewhat normal lives, blah blah blah…
"Just recently, though, Jakotsu, Renkotsu and I were approached with a job."
Jakotsu smirks. "That's you, honey."
"We were told to gain your trust in a way, and then after a few months or whenever we felt the time was right for it, have a meeting somewhat like this. So, yeah, we've been deceiving you ever since we met you, essentially." He gives a cocky smile at this, like it's no big deal at all. "You were to be taken alive. Anyone else's life was of no concern, as long as it didn't attract too much attention if we interfered. And things were going along just fine, until we met up with Suikotsu again…" Bankotsu gestures to the doctor, who is listening rather indolently, "which is where his part of the story comes in."
Suikotsu rolls his shoulders twice before leaning down to rest his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. Suikotsu a killer? I never would've guessed. He's one of the nicest men I've ever met… Just goes to show you never really know someone, I guess. Everyone's got secrets, skeletons in their closets…
Bad puns always have the worst timing, don't they?
"It's all kind of lucky, really," he says quietly to the table. "Kagura, you remember Kikyou, don't you?" A bitter smile. "When she was in the hospital after her…overdose, she began ranting uncontrollably to a nurse, trying to explain how she wasn't a drug addict and someone else had given her the injection. The nurse, of course, didn't believe her. I myself was unsure, thinking it was probably a delusion or an after-effect. She did continually mention a few names though, from what I could make out of her ramblings. And when one of these names came up again when I was talking to the girl whose family was recently killed, I was… well, suspicious."
I frown, shifting restlessly in my seat. "What does this have to do with this?"
"That name, Kagura, was Naraku."
…
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
"I did some research through some people I know here and there," Suikotsu said, "and it wasn't hard to find information about things he supposedly had done, but there was hardly any solid proof. Then, I ran into these guys, and when the name came up again when they mentioned the job…" Suikotsu sighs again. "I convinced them to let me come and try to convince them out of it."
"So Naraku hired you?" I glance at Bankotsu accusingly.
He nods. "Good. You're not stupid."
And a few seconds later it actually clicks. "So m-my father knows I'm here! How much does he know? Why did he send you and-" The questions just keep pouring out, bitter on my tongue and hard to swallow. "What is he going to do when… Oh shit! Oh shit!"
Right now, I'm really wishing Sesshou-maru did come home early. No, no I don't, because Jakotsu said they were going to kill them and…
I'm suddenly bombarded with the sensation of drowning. There's something in my throat that won't get out and keeps building, choking me, causing pressure build-up in my head and I can't reach air.
"Calm down," Suikotsu tries. I can only half hear him beneath the currents in my head. It feels like it has swollen to twice the size it should be. He says something else, but that I don't hear at all. I hate this. I hate all of this happening right now. It's kind of weird; I feel like I should be in more of a state of panic, screaming and freaking out, but its all staying inside. Maybe my brain is being retarded today and hasn't yet absorbed it, or maybe I have gotten used to this sort of thing happening…
I run through the situation quickly with myself before raising my eyes, which have gravitated down to the safety of my knees, back upwards.
"Now," I hear Bankotsu tell me quietly, "our good old friend Suikotsu has given us a few reasons why we shouldn't go through with what Naraku wants us too. And you need to help persuade us. Got me?"
"I've got you," I snarl, not in the mood for his smooth-like-satin, taunting conversation.
But really, I have no idea what to say. 'My father is a bad, bad man. Please don't bring me back to him. I'm afraid he might…'
Oh God, what does Naraku want me back for anyways?
Being the genius I am, I decide to ask, knowing my own mind will probably come up with all sorts of unfortunate things if I don't get an answer.
Renkotsu shrugs to me as I do, flicking his cigarette to spill ashes onto the carpet by his feet. "I'm not too sure, but he wants you alive for it. We don't get those sort of details. Just what we're supposed to do and by when. That sort of thing."
Damnit!
And off runs my imagination…
I don't want this to happen. I don't want to go back to my father. I want to trust people for once in my fucking life, and I don't want to be shot, or for Sesshou-maru to be shot.
I cannot and will not go back to my father.
I seem to be reeking of uncertainty, as Suikotsu soon clears his throat to break the silence. After Renkotsu answered, my eyes had traveled back down as I struggled to control my breath, my heartbeat, and the things in my head.
Oh, those things in my head again…
How many times will this happen? I wanted to keep them down, keep them hidden where they can't affect the me of right now, but they keep coming! Why can't I get rid of them? Is there…
Is there something wrong with me?
"First off," Suikotsu starts, "Naraku has… has done things much worse than the things we ever did, or ever considered doing."
"Is that just rumour or fact?" Jakotsu spits instantly.
Suikotsu looks to me. "Well, I guess… Kagura would be the only one able to confirm that."
And everyone focuses on me again. Thanks, Suikotsu.
"What have you heard?" I ask without raising my head.
Suikotsu mutters a few things.
I wonder if he's surprised or not when I nod, sinking back into the couch. "Oh yeah, and worse than that. My… my father…"
Inhale, exhale.
"My father is a complete bastard, asshole, fucker, murderer, whatever words you want for him. He has no respect for anyone besides himself and has only ever used anyone else to get ahead in life. This includes the kids he adopts. I should know… I still can't tell, even now when I look back on it, when he was lying and when he was telling me the truth, though I doubt he ever did. Murder seems to be a hobby of his, and as far as I've seen, he can be pretty fucking creative with it… It's sick what he does.
"Just getting involved with him was your first mistake. Very few people stay involved with him safely for long. He enjoys playing with people's heads, and I wouldn't be surprised if he has started in already on you. All this… all of this is a fucking game to him. I know he's doing this to screw around with me. I can't think of any other reason why… "
Exhale…
My head reels, still grasping the situation as the words leaving my chap-lipped mouth in a steady flow trickle off, and I'm left to quiet yet again. Stuck in that half-in half-out of my body and mind state, I think I'm smiling blurrily at the carpet.
There. That's the truth about my father.
It's too bad I'll have to repeat it all for Sesshou-maru later. Before whenever I tried, I would feel myself getting angry with me, and everything got tangled up, and the words just stopped. Luckily, he would understand.
I don't have time to dwell on this, though, as I'm pulled right back into the conversation.
"So what if Naraku isn't exactly the nicest person on earth?" Renkotsu argues. "All I care about is getting paid. I mean-"
"I'm thinking," Bankotsu says icily. One finger taps idly against the gun. Renkotsu is quiet.
Too my surprise, Jakotsu shifts forwards a little to look past Bankotsu and straight at me, almost curiously. His eyes seem to penetrate and dig under my skin in a way that's enough to make me uncomfortable, but its not in the way that others (Kagewaki, my father) would to get a nauseating chill from of me. He looks as if he's about to say something, rosy lips opening in a hesitant way that annoys me a little, as it makes me anxious.
But then I hear the apartment door creak open behind us. Suikotsu startles, jerking his head up nervously (the poor guy looks like he really needs some Advil or something right now). Craning my neck to see, I find Sesshou-maru standing in the doorway, mini-suitcase in hand. Though appearing stoic, as usual, there's an obvious perplexity behind that as he glances quickly – urgently – at me. He surveys the scene a few seconds and then points at Renkotsu, who is still smoking carelessly.
"Put that out. Now."
Typical.
Renkotsu ignores him and cocks his head at me, taking a long drag. "This your pretty little boyfriend?"
Sesshou-maru chooses to disregard the comment haughtily. He looks slightly worn, as if he hasn't slept well in the days he was away. Coming back home to an apartment filled with men (wow, this probably doesn't look too good on my part, if you put it that way) armed with cigarettes, guns and more questions about your hair care choices would probably put me in an even worse mood too.
"You might want to come sit down," I say once my voice finds its way out of my stomach once again. "There's quite a lot to tell you."
In one glance, he understands.
After Sesshou-maru drags over another chair from the kitchen, Suikotsu calmly explains to him what they explained to me. When you put it down to essential, a few ex-assassins were sent to kidnap me, and I was bartering for me freedom, and now, Sesshou-maru's life as well. If they do decide to take me, Sesshou-maru will be…
I didn't mean to drag him into all this. If he gets hurt because of shit I did, then that's… I wouldn't be able to take that.
My eyes close quickly and I try to erase the thought, squeezing Sesshou-maru's hand a little harder than I meant to. He hasn't said anything since he sat down, but he squeezes back.
"I still don't get why we're even here," Renkotsu mumbles.
Bankotsu, however, has moved the gun away from us. He holds it freehandedly, letting it rock back and forth over his hand as he thinks. A sly grin plays on his lips and that deviousness I have seen before and recognize lights up his eyes. Jakotsu, watching closely, raises an eyebrow.
"So…" Bankotsu starts. "You say Naraku views all of this as a game, right?"
"Basically." I answer, trying not to sound too hopeful.
Oh please oh please oh please!
"We're just players, then…"
"You've got an idea, don't you?" Jakotsu comments, and he nods.
"If this guy thinks he's so powerful, fucking around with everyone like he does… I think it would be fun to mess up his little game." His fingers play restlessly with the lustrous surface of the weapon. "Yeah… I think that'd be a lot of fun. What about you two?"
Jakotsu smiles right back at him, sweet and sadistic. It reminds me of a strange sort of angel. "You know, we haven't had that sort of fun in a long time…"
"As long as we're not playing hero," Renkotsu snorts. "Not like I have a choice, though, if you two are both in on it."
"We're not playing hero at all," answers Bankotsu. "Consider it a challenge. Beat the master at his own game."
Suikotsu looks up and gives me a weary smile. I suppose this is a sort of revenge for him; Kikyou did seem like a daughter to him after all, and I would want justice for her if I were in his shoes. Then again, I can be a rather vindictive person, so…
I'm thoughtless as I lean into Sesshou-maru's shoulder over the arm of the couch, so relieved nothing else can poke its way through. I'm not going back to my father… there's no way I'm going back… and Sesshou-maru isn't going to have to die… I wouldn't have let them anyways. My mind runs through the situation in brief, white-hot flashes. One of them pointing the gun at him, finger on the trigger and squeezing. Blood splattering on the wall behind him as… Fucking God…
I would crack.
The weight of the situation seems so much heavier afterwards. My mind can barely keep up… Everything seems blurred and vague, details all running together and smudging. I want to go to bed and worry about it tomorrow, but know I can't.
I feel oddly delighted as the words come out of Bankotsu's mouth. They're going to kill my father. 'Go out with a bang!'; one last job for the remaining members of the Shichinintai, and then they'll go back to the simple life.
Still, I'm perturbed that Bankotsu and Jakotsu – these people I thought I knew, and how easily – stupidly – I fell into the illusion. Stupid, stupid, stupid and ridiculously lucky. I'll have to thank Suikotsu profusely afterwards. Just how easy I've been falling into this sort of thing is unnerving me… guess I'm not nearly as tough as I thought. I still don't know if they're telling the truth at all, about any of this, but all I can really do right now is cross my fingers and try to get the situation to come out as best it can.
I've survived this far, haven't I?
Sesshou-maru kisses the top of my head softly as the others continue to discuss quietly with each other what's going to be done.
They're going to kill my father and finally, hopefully, it'll all be over.
For good this time.
End chapter 16