life in moderation
Chapter 19: Dead End
As usual, I'm sorry this took so long! But I've got just about everything figured out, and there should only be one more chapter and then an epilogue left to go. Thank you so much for reading, guys!
I disclaim
o
The lights of the city seem washed out and faded, yet still overly bright and piercing against the dark background of buildings and people muddled in together beneath the cloudy winter sky. There are lone, bare-limbed trees scattered about the concrete roadsides, their thin, tangled branches looking skeletal with only a few shrivelled leaves still hanging on. But more common are the piles of garbage; things unwanted. People throw everything away these days, whether it's broken or they just don't want it anymore.
My God, this city is filthier than I remembered…
I shift in my seat, trying to get into a position that's somewhat comfortable but doesn't cut off the circulation to some part of my body. I end up using Sesshou-maru as a pillow whether he likes it or not, since there's not all that much room in this car. In the dull light provided by glowing billboards and headlights as other vehicles pass us by, I can see his lips set firmly, stoic, as he stares out the window despite the severe lack of decent scenery.
We've been driving for almost four goddamn hours now, but as Bankotsu said, we'd rather not take the train and end up arrested for carrying weapons that have been 'well concealed' in suspicious-looking black duffel bags. Now, I'd feel a lot safer on a train as opposed to with Bankotsu driving ("Oh come on, nobody actually drives by the speed limit.") but it's not an option, and instead I'm squished between Sesshou-maru and Renkotsu in the backseat of this ugly rental car while Jakotsu and Bankotsu get the front.
Irritated and sore, I sigh. No one's spoken a word this entire time, and the lack of a working radio – it only seems to receive one station, which plays country music non-stop – has left us in a little bit of an uneasy silence. I tried sleeping for a while, but it was no wonder that I couldn't.
We're going to finish Naraku.
Well, I'm not actually getting a chance to have my way with him. Sesshou-maru's not letting me get anywhere near there. But at least I got the satisfaction of having him admit that I was right after all: whatever Naraku wants from me has to do with that house.
It's been about a week since the morning I called Bankotsu, just to tell him my thoughts on the things Sesshou-maru and I had discussed the night before. He asked where it was, and then there was a pause after I told him, soon interrupted by laughter.
"What are you laughing at?" I had asked, able to hear Jakotsu in the background as he inquired sleepily about what was 'so fucking funny' with the same amount of confusion as me.
"You're kidding, right?" he choked out, trying to get himself under control. "That's the address?"
"Yeah, that's the address. What's the problem?"
He laughs a little more, grinning audibly.
"Well, you might not believe me, but… well, Naraku's impatient and now he wants us to finish this job by next week. And that is the exact address he gave us as to where to meet him with you."
Mind you, this wasn't one of those times when proving yourself right felt like a victory. Not at all. It felt bitter, spoilt. Hollow.
"Turn right here," I tell Bankotsu as he slows at the glaringly red traffic light. My voice and throat feel a little sore from not being used, and I swallow, trying to rid my mouth of its dryness. Am I shaking? I don't think so, but I tell my muscles to still anyways. The rows upon rows of expensive gingerbread houses look painfully familiar, coming in overload. Am I ready for this? It doesn't matter, I don't have a choice.
I continue to give directions as we get nearer and nearer, cruising through a falsely clean looking part of the city. The houses are large, and the one that I used to belong to stands tall and proud at the end of a dead end street, a little far off from the other houses with a few trees obscuring it. Sesshou-maru's hand brushes my arm. I guess I was shaking. Doesn't matter, little things don't matter right now. Just seeing the house… it's painful, and it makes me want to vomit. But it doesn't matter.
There's no turning back now.
o
She kissed me.
Kagome fucking kissed me.
I curse loudly, kicking at a half-empty bottle abandoned on the sidewalk. It's been all I've been able to think about since she did it, and it won't get the Hell out of my head! It just bothers me! I mean, first Kikyou shows up and then Kagome… she didn't even tell me why, you know! She just sorta looked at me, like she was afraid of me, and then said she was sorry and ran off.
Stupid girl.
I'm not sure whether she's been avoiding me, or it's just by sheer luck that we've managed to avoid each other since then. Not having to deal with it is good, but in the same way it's not. I mean, if I see her again things will be awkward and just weird; I don't know what I'd say to her. I mean, she kissed me. But on the other hand, she kissed me. That's a good thing, right? Fuck, I'm getting nowhere with this.
It's cold again today, but not as cold as it's been the past few weeks. I zip up my coat a little higher anyways as I sit down on one of the park benches, wishing for spring to come early this year. I've got enough to think about these days, and really don't need the aggravation that comes with freezing your ass off daily too. Even the pigeons hanging out in front of me, as if they think I've got something to spare for them, are just pissing me off. I'm pissing me off. I can't make up my fucking mind…
"May I sit down?"
I look up, a little bit startled and a little bit bitter, not having expected Kikyou, of all people, to be standing in front me right now. She stares, almost mockingly unemotional, as we both wait for my damn mouth to start working.
"Sit if you want," I say, the words coming out harsher than I had meant. "I don't care."
It figures that Kikyou is still Kikyou and she knows how to translate what I wanted to say from what actually comes out. She sits down, tucking a dark piece of short hair behind her ear and wiping a bit of dirt from her coat, a long red vintage-type thing. Kagome has one like it, only hers looks crisp and new while Kikyou's looks more worn. Silly girls and their trends.
"Are you hungry?" she asks, and I snort.
"I'm fine."
"I have enough money for dinner, if you want it," she tries insisting. It's late, yeah, but most places around here stay open 24/7, and she knows that.
"I said, I'm fine," I grumble. "Don't need your charity."
If it were Kagome asking, she would've dragged me to the nearest fast-food place despite what I said, and badgered me until I ate what she bought for me. But Kikyou just settles back against the bench, crossing her ankles. She's unsatisfied, but not bothering to push the issue.
"I think," she says quietly, and I'm worried suddenly that I've upset her without meaning too. Way to go, Inuyasha…
She looks up at me again, making sure I'm listening, and I understand. "I think that this is a good time to talk."
o
The engine settles down into a soft lull to match the rest of the slumbering neighbourhood, and for a moment, all five of us just sit here in the car. It's Renkotsu who moves first, muttering "Might as well get this over with," to himself as he grabs the duffel bag at his feet and swings open his door. Jakotsu and Bankotsu follow suite. Sesshou-maru and I are the last out, leaning against each other for support (and comfort, all that stuff) as our muscles slowly release from their cramped positions.
And there it is.
We're parked a short walk from the house, hidden in a small grove of trees on the side of the road, but it's close enough. The small windows are dark, glaring out at the street. Oh yes, everything is almost exactly how it used to be. The gate, the white bricks; like a small castle, almost, or at least that's what I thought of it when I was just a kid.
Before I have much of a chance to react to the sight of it, Bankotsu is shoving a pistol into my hand.
"Naraku isn't supposed to meet us until tomorrow night," he says, "but there's always a chance he is there, or someone else. Only shoot if you have to. It's on safety, just in case your finger slips or something."
He hands one to Sesshou-maru, who apathetically accepts it. I could open my big mouth and make some comment right now, but there's really no point in stalling for time. Besides, we're just going inside to look around right now, to see if I can figure anything out (and Jakotsu mentioned something about getting a little familiar with the area for tomorrow). It's risky, and Sesshou-maru still looks pissed I convinced him to let me do this, but it's one of those things that has to be done.
You can only keep running for so long, right?
Step by step by step, part of me is still trying to bribe the rest of me out of this as we draw closer and closer, and closer. I'm afraid. Hell, who wouldn't be afraid? Whatever I'm going to find in there, if anything, isn't going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. It might hurt; I mean, there's a reason I can't remember it. But it's kill or be killed. I've got to do this. And I'm strong enough, I'm sure of it.
"Which door?" Bankotsu asks, and behind me, Jakotsu shrugs.
"Front. We might as well be polite."
As Jakotsu quickly picks the lock, I lapse once more into self-consuming thought. The door's been replaced since I was last here, I notice, with something made of dark wood and without a window. It just feels so weird to be standing here again, on this porch. The same porch I sat on as a kid. I didn't use it much after I reached the age of thirteen, as it was much more practical just to sneak out the back. If you walk far enough through the trees behind the house, you reach another road with a bus-shelter nearby, or you can just walk downtown. It's not as far as it seems.
The door swings open, and Jakotsu smirks triumphantly at Renkotsu before they head inside. Sesshou-maru squeezes my hand, giving me an apprehensive look.
"Ready?"
I swallow. I nod. And he leads me through.
It's impossible to describe what being back here feels like. The darkness diluted by light from the windows; the one in the kitchen is broken, shards of glass glinting, eliciting a nauseous shiver from within the churning pit of my stomach. I can see the vague outlines of doorways and sparsely placed furniture, and with the sight – overwhelmingly real and clear – comes the hazy memories. At first, the flow is light as it trickles down into my mind's eye, but as I move a bit further in a deluge begins, heavy and pounding on my skull. I wince, but try not to block them out. This is what I need, isn't it? I need to look through them, one by one as they come back, and try to find that particular instance stored in my brain that he wants…
It feels weird, and strange. I really don't like this, how the familiar feelings of paranoia – of being trapped and vehement resentment – begin blooming inside of me, cluttering my head. Perhaps I should've expected Naraku to pull this sort of bullshit though.
("You can't run away from things, no… to really get rid of them, you have to kill them. Else they'll keep coming back, Kagura. Don't you know that?")
Damnit, I can't let it get to me! That's what he wants, exactly what he wants!
Bankotsu whistles quietly, looking up the tall staircase near the door.
"Shit. Nice place," he mutters. And then to me: "Where to?"
I shrug, barely able to form a semi-intelligent response beneath all the damn clutter in my head. Kitchen to my left, dining room ahead, closet to the right and the large staircase just beside that, leading upstairs…
"Wherever," I say.
Sesshou-maru interjects. "We might as well just do the first floor to start."
"There a basement?" Renkotsu asks, regardless.
"Yeah, but it's just storage," I tell him. "Or at least that's all there was down there last time I was here…"
But a lot has changed since then.
We stay together for now, heading on into the dining room. Floorboards creak beneath my feet, complaining about our presence here. I don't feel like an intruder, but I don't feel at home either, or at least I don't want to. A lot of the furniture has been removed, making this room feel even bigger and emptier than before. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, screaming at me, a little louder as we go in a bit further and the memories get heavier. There's anxiety and fear, franticly beating against the walls of my chest, and an uneasiness muttering 'Shouldn't be here, shouldn't be here, shouldn't have come back here…' over, and over. But I continue, ignoring it. He's not beating me now.
I remember sitting politely and biting my tongue, biting down hard while we were forced to sit through yet another dinner with some of Naraku's client. Kanna's shoes left blisters on her feet because they were too small, but she never said anything. I remember other nights, exploding on him in this room and screaming until he'd quiet me, the click of the locks on the doors… and against the floorboards…
Against these floorboards…
Why can't I get it out? Why won't it come to me?
The images in my mind flee from my mind as a soft clicking – vibrant in the silence – announces the loading of a gun. Sesshou-maru moves quickly in front me with one hand on his pistol. My heart is tripping over itself in its rush now, and I glance around, cursing myself for letting myself slip away there.
"Don't you dare fucking move." I hear Jakotsu's voice, almost purring the words. Looking around Sesshou-maru, I see Renkotsu, facing a closed door, and behind him Jakotsu. The barrel of his gun is pressed to the back of Renkotsu's head, almost casually, and next to me, Bankotsu curses under his breath. I command my body not to move, begging my muscles to be still. I don't need another fucking thing to add to what I'm trying to work out in my head, anything I had gathered scattering as my confusion swells. What the Hell is going on now?
From the angle I'm on, I can see the far corner of Renkotsu's mouth rise, as if in a smirk.
"So," Jakotsu says then, his eyes glues to the hands that hang, both occupied with weapons, at Renkotsu's sides. "I guess we'll start with how much he paid you."
o
It's kinda funny that when Kikyou says we should talk, I can't really think of anything to say to her. I've got a lot to say, but none of it wants to come out.
"Kikyou… it's been a while, and… well, obviously you're alright now. I was… you never told me what was going on, and so I didn't know…" I start, going nowhere. What the Hell am I trying to say, and what's the right way to say it? Maybe I should just tell her that I missed her, but then again, maybe she didn't miss me. Or what if she's just come here to tell me she doesn't want to ever see me again? Jeez, than I'd have two girls avoiding me…
Kikyou stays silent and stone-faced, listening to my stuttering and stumbled words, even though it's obvious they make no sense at all.
"I thought you'd like to know," she mumbles, a while after my stupid attempts at speech stop (thankfully), "that you were right."
"I was what?"
"Onigumo," she says. "That man that you were angry with me for seeing when he was in the hospital… well, he didn't hurt me, but a different man who knew him did."
Then the overdose… and all of that…
"I guess," Kikyou tells me, "I felt I had to let you know that. That it was my mistake."
And now there are no words at all coming from my goddamned mouth, even though now I think there's more I should be saying than ever. Yeah, life is just real funny like that. So we just keep sitting here, and I've probably got the most ridiculous expression on my face. It should feel good that I was right, but you know, it really doesn't, and the reason why is obvious. She should've been right. She was always right all the times before that. Stupid fluke. Stupid fucking fluke.
"But I'm back now." She says this with a smile. Her smiles are always so… so strange, and complicated. "And things are okay now."
Are as okay as they can get, I guess.
"So…"
This is probably my cue to say something and the look Kikyou is giving me confirms it. She turns her body, leaning in a little closer to me, like she's thinking about kissing me. Like Kagome kissed me. Kagome kissed different than Kikyou kissed me before; Kikyou was always soft but strong, while Kagome was just… Kagome was a sudden burst of something, young and surprisingly gutsy. I'll be honest, I hadn't expected Kagome to be that gutsy. I hadn't expected it to affect me like this. Damnit, I should be thinking about how to answer Kikyou, not about Kagome…
Man, Kikyou must really think I'm retarded by now, because I've been quiet so long she just starts talking again, and Kikyou was never the type to do a lot of talking.
"It's true what you said before too… a lot of time has passed since we've last seen each other, Inuyasha. And…"
"And what?" I snap suddenly, trying to get all my frustration out in the words that come easily now, fuelled by anger. "Yeah, it's been a long time, but it's not like too much has changed for it to matter, right? You're still you and I'm still me, it's all the same. Sure, we ended all messed up but we can start again or whatever."
Kikyou leans back to where she was as I stop speaking, retracting a little, not in a frightened way and not a cautious one, but there's definitely purpose in every little thing she does. Of course, she's probably thought of all that already.
"Can't we?" she asks, all tragic in her words and face.
But that's just it, isn't it? Even if we try and ignore it, there's still a lot of time that's passed and treated us differently, and there's no way we're the same people we were before. It just doesn't work like that, and it's never simple or fair. Sure, we've got good memories, but that doesn't mean there's any more for us. Our luck might just be all used up by now.
So what do we do now?
"If you want me, Inuyasha," she says quietly as she stands, "I am still here for you. And part of me will remain that way forever, even if the rest of me hates you – which I don't." She adds the end words on a little too quickly, frowning at them as the collide with the air between us, that both of us are breathing just the same.
"But as much as I hate it… perhaps it would be better to just be friends. Besides, you've got that… other girl."
"Kagome," I say quickly.
"Yes." She nods.
"But I don't want to…"
Goddamn words coming out faster than I can think to stop them!
"…to lose you," I finish. Kikyou nods again, looking at across the park at all the people, and the lights of the city flickering from the tops of dirty boxes called buildings where people live, eat, sleep and slave away at their jobs every fucking day. We're in stuck stalemate, sitting here in the middle of this big city filled with millions of people, and hardly any of them know us, or care. At the same time it's tiny, and really, hugely big. Too big. I don't want to think about this anymore.
I feel Kikyou's hand slip over mine, but you know… the warmth doesn't feel the same.
o
"What are you talking about?" Renkotsu asks calmly, almost amused as he dares a glance back at Jakotsu. It almost scares me how confident Jakotsu looks as he presses the gun a little harder into the back of Renkotsu's shaven head, seeming all too comfortable with what he's doing.
"You know," he says. "How much did Naraku pay you to tell you what we were doing? Or are you receiving some other type of reward for you services?" The last word comes out like a hiss.
Again, Renkotsu decided to play dumb.
"I really don't know what you're-"
"Do you want to tell us, or shall I just shoot you straight through?"
"Oh come on now," Renkotsu says, pretending to chide him. "That would be no fun at all."
I'm frozen completely while I listen to their exchange, cursing inwardly as pieces fall into place. Renkotsu… really was in league with Naraku this whole time? And Naraku… then he must know that we're here, right now! Shit, what if he's here! What if this is all just a trap, and he's caught us!
Sesshou-maru's arm finds a firm grip on my shoulder. My panic must be obvious, but there's frustration leaking through his stoic expression as well.
"Besides," Renkotsu says, "our faces have all been caught on security cameras, and as soon as he likes, Naraku can call the cops on us for intruding. And with all these weapons…"
Bankotsu cuts in. "You realize you'd be caught too, don't you? And it wouldn't make sense; we would we break into an abandoned house."
Renkotsu looks as if he planned to shake his head, but doesn't. "You heard the stories, didn't you? All the connections Naraku has? He'll get me out easy. I mean, I was just an unwilling accomplice who was forced to show a bunch of gang members where Naraku was hiding out."
"Fuck," Bankotsu mutters, eyes narrowing drastically. "We got too cocky…"
Security cameras… Naraku could be watching us right now… watching me…
"Bankotsu," says Jakotsu, his body still turned away from us, "I'll take care of him."
"What?"
"I told you, I only agreed to this if I got to have fun. And here's my fun. Take those two and go on; you can't stay with me and let them go alone. They'd die." He says it so simply it's hard to believe. But Bankotsu stays in place a few more seconds, contemplating, though it's obvious by this time there's not any other options. We've been backed into a corner. Fuck. As much as I shouldn't think it and though I really shouldn't make anything worse for myself, it would've just been so much easier if I had allowed them to take me. That way, they wouldn't be risking their lives stupidly for me, and Sesshou-maru would be at home, safe. I'm not worth the risk. But I can't take it back… I can't change things now.
"Alright." Bankotsu's voice is low but accepting in tone. "I guess I'll see you on our way out then."
"See you."
There was no sweet parting kiss, no 'promise me', no good-bye or even an 'I love you' as they part, even though it might be the last time they see each other alive in this lifetime. It makes sense, though, since these two have probably been through so many life or death situations it would feel silly to make a big deal out of it now. Still, I can feel between them, and the quiet understanding of each other.
I want to say thank you, for whatever reason, but Bankotsu is already ushering us hastily out of the room and Sesshou-maru makes me keep pace by tightening his hold. We're out into the hall now, heading toward the back rooms. In my last glance backwards at them, I see that Renkotsu is quickly swinging around in attempt to kick Jakotsu in the stomach while Jakotsu slips a knife out of his belt. I don't see which one lands the first blow, and realize then I don't want to know.
(…blood staining the floorboards… my eyes won't close…)
Footstep by footstep once again, we're making our way down the hall. I hate knowing that Naraku is mostly likely somewhere in this house, and yet I really have no way of finding where he is besides blindly searching and guessing. And I bet he knew that would get to me too… Bastard.
We can still hear noises of Jakotsu and Renkotsu's fight through the walls; there's footsteps, shuffling, and once a darkly playful taunt from Jakotsu. No gunshots. Bankotsu's lips remain in a tight line, but he somehow remains focused as we search. The well of memories that's opened up seems to stopped flowing so heavily now, coming just in glimpses, harsh nonetheless. I expected it to come by now, but still, I've got nothing that can really help me. Sure, I saw Naraku kill lots of people, but it's not that…
"The asshole got the cameras installed well," Bankotsu mutters. "I can't find any of them at all…"
Sesshou-maru frowns at this. "Should we just leave, then?"
"No," Bankotsu replies shortly. "We've got to finish the job. And hopefully we can find and destroy the tapes, and get out of here unscathed, but that's just best case scenario."
"Well, he's not down here anywhere," I say. "Should we just go upstairs?"
"That won't be necessary."
Again, I find myself frozen, but this time it's far worse and far more painful. It's too precise, too sharp to be a piece of memory slipping in. The intonation is exact and clear, resonating against the walls of this nearly empty room. I can feel Sesshou-maru's fingers digging into my skin, almost so tightly that it hurts, but that really isn't my main concern at all right now.
I look to my right, to the doorway we had just come through from the hallway, and there he is.
Naraku.
Bankotsu's already got two large guns pointed at him, so he stays still, calm. Even though it's been years since I've seen his face, it's the exact same, save a few wrinkles driven deeper by age and a scar now cutting across his right cheek. It looks nasty, painful. I'd have to say it suits him. But he's still the same; long black curls that look greasy in certain lights, pale skin, smug posture and a smirk plastered on his face. It's sickening, and I'm almost overcome with the urge to scream, to hurt him in any way possible. I could kill him now, if I got the chance… couldn't I?
His eyes are focused on me, taking in my appearance and delighting in my expression. He shifts his weight a little bit, causing a floorboard to creak loudly. I flinch.
"Welcome home, Kagura."
end chapter 19