life in moderation
chapter 20: shattering
AN: I apologize if this is not up to par, and for the immense amount of time it took to be finished. Thank you to everyone who read, and those who helped out as well. The novel 'Everybody Smokes in Hell' by John Ridley, "The Promised Land" from the FF VII: AC soundtrack, and (once again) Tegan and Sara helped me through this chapter. It's been an experience, that's for sure. Love to you all.
- Ebony
Disclaimed.
o
"Welcome home, Kagura."
Naraku's voice sends a revolting shock through my entire body, almost like an electric pulse (or a shot of venom), striking hard and working fast. The sound of him is a little strange to me, actually. I guess I've been away from him for so long, with only repressed memories as a reminder, that I've forgotten a little what it's like when he's right here in front of me, grinning smugly. Far too real.
It's all I can do just to keep myself standing.
"Don't move!" yells Bankotsu, his gun pointed at Naraku. Though that seems to be Bankotsu's reactions to most situations, at least it's a helpful one this time; just the fact that Naraku is here – right fucking here – has prevented me from doing much of anything. I bite my tongue a little, trying to push back the reaction I'm still pissed he managed to elicit from me.
"Nice to see you too, Bankotsu," says Naraku snidely, appearing unfazed. "But please, put your toys away."
"What do you want?" I snap, trying to hide my indecision behind gritted teeth. The bastard; even now, he looks so confident, so damn sure of himself.
"My dear," he says. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question? You were the ones who did a little bit of breaking and entering this evening. Now, if you two don't mind," he glances from Bankotsu to Sesshou-maru, "I'd like to have a little chat with my daughter."
"I'm not–!" But under his gaze, the words shrivel and die in my throat. I want to vomit desperately, to try and get this weakness out of me, and it's like I'm thirteen years old all over again.
He raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Meanwhile, three men have entered the room from behind Naraku, all of them finely muscled and clothed in black with stoic expressions on their forgettable faces – nothing but human weapons, and probably good ones at that. Damnit! We should've known he'd have something like this ready for us… it's too late now, though, we'll just have to deal with it.
As I think this, the reality of the situation sinks in. Deal with it? I've been dealing with it for a long time, but this is more than dealing with it. I could die – no more second chances after that. We could all fucking die in here! I should never have let Sesshou-maru come along. I should have faced Naraku myself, finished this myself… I thought I was ready for this, but maybe I was wrong. And what if I am, what sort of mess have I gotten myself in this time?
The cold touch of Naraku's fingers on my shoulder jolts me unpleasantly back into the middle of things. No time for "should have" now, I've got to keep alert.
"If you'll excuse us…" he says, pulling me forwards into the hall. And step by step, I follow him, unable to do anything else. This is how it should be. I've still got a gun tucked into the waistband of my pants, hidden enough by my hoodie that he might not notice. I'll let myself be led away and when I have the chance, I'll shoot – I'll actually shoot this time! It can be that simple. I'm strong enough now (right?), I can–
"Stop."
To my surprise, Naraku actually listens and turns to look over his shoulder nonchalantly at Sesshou-maru, who's got his gun in hand and a fierce glare. One of the men in black looks at Naraku with a tilt of his head, and it's obvious what he's asking permission to do. My heart rate doubles, and those thoughts starting with "should have" start rushing back in, weighing me down, cluttering my head until it's hard to think. Damn Sesshou-maru, he can be even more stubborn than I am about things!
"Or you'll shoot me?" Naraku asks, amused. "Very funny. Shoot me, and those three will kill you on the spot, in whatever way they feel is best. This neighbourhood is infested with criminals, so they can make you scream as loud as they want and no one will care. But you know…" His hand slides upwards so his fingers can caress my neck. It makes me dizzy – it makes me want to kill him right here and now, erase him, get him away from me – but I manage to maintain enough sense to shift a little ways out of his grasp.
"I don't think Kagura would mind an audience. All right. You can come along. But you have to walk ahead of us, and you'll leave your weapon behind."
Sesshou-maru – that stupid, stubborn asshole – holds his ground.
"You don't seem to realize," Naraku hisses at him, "that you are at a great disadvantage here. If you are coming, put down your gun and get in front."
Bankotsu steps forward, leaning in to talk to Sesshou-maru. "Look, you can go – it might better if you go. I can handle this."
"You sure?" He doesn't really say it as a question, though.
"I used to kill people for a living," Bankotsu answers all too casually as he takes the gun from Sesshou-maru's hand. "Yes, I'm sure. Just don't do anything stupid – I'll follow you once I'm done here."
Sesshou-maru turns to me next – we meet eyes and it's a bit painful. I want to tell him just how much I think he's out of his fucking mind right now but he's already broken contact and begun heading out into the hall, brushing past Naraku fearlessly. I guess he's got too big of an ego to be afraid. He keeps glancing back at us as we walk – I just focus on keeping my breathing steady, step after step, we'll get there and we'll get through.
"Up the staircase, and then to your right," Naraku tells us calmly, his tone not matching the situation at all.
Usually, this is the time in movies where the heroes reveal the secret plan they've had up their sleeves all along, or they start praying to God (like they'd have time), and love saves the day. There's a happy ending, and the credits roll. But we already established quite a while ago how I feel about real life and movies, didn't we?
o
I'm stuck. I can't figure it out. I've been sitting here on this bench for God knows how long, trying to make a friggin' decision, but I still can't. And it's really simple, too. Essentially, I just have to pick Kikyou or Kagome. Well, I don't really need to make the choice, but if I don't, things will get messy, and trust me, I want as little mess as possible when it comes to girls.
Feh. I know I'm being a coward. I'm just being so goddamn indecisive because I'm afraid of making the wrong choice, and regretting it; of making an even bigger mess than before, if that's possible. But I'll regret it even more if I don't make the choice, I know that.
Maybe it's not even my choice to make. Maybe Kikyou made the choice for me when she left however long ago, her hand leaving my shoulder. She didn't look back – I watched her until a crowd swallowed her up and she was gone. She was still Kikyou, of course, but she wasn't the same… I mean, she was the same in some ways, but she's different too. I'm different!
Besides, she seems to be doing okay without me. And I think I was doing okay without her for a while too. I usually hate relying on people, but it's nice sometimes, I guess, when you have someone you can fall back on.
"If you want to see me," Kikyou had said, "just come by the clinic sometime, okay?"
I guess like it or not, the past is still gone. Things won't be "just like old times", because they've passed us by. We can't worry about that, we've got to deal with what we've got on our plates now. Get too wrapped up in the past and you just end up dragging yourself down further and further, until your head won't stay on straight. I don't want to let it go, but…
But now I'm standing in front of Kagome's house, cold and tired and hoping I'm not screwing myself over. She pointed it out to me once when we walked by; I'm a bit surprised I remembered right where it was, though. The house is all dark and quiet, save one window on the side that's got a lamp on or something. From below, I can see that the walls are pink, so it's probably Kagome's room. It better be Kagome's room, I think as I scoop up a bit of gravel from the ground and chuck it at her window. It's cliché, whatever, but how else are you going to get someone's attention when they're behind rectangles of glass?
Two handfuls of rocks later, Kagome appears at the window, peering out at me before pushing it open.
"What the Hell are you doing, Inuyasha?" she hisses. Her voice echoes on in the emptiness night brought to her yard.
"Oi, can you let me in?" I yell up to her. "It's really frickin' cold and I don't have anywhere to sleep!" Which is true, you know.
"What--- Do you have any idea how--- God, I'll be down in a second." She swings her window shut and then disappears. I hurry around to the front door, and try urging my stomach to dislodge itself from my throat. I don't know why I'm worried she's angry at me. I mean, she was the one who kissed me and ran off… stupid girl…
The front door swings open and Kagome leans out – her pyjama pants are baggy and long enough to cover her feet, making her look kinda like a little kid.
"Hurry up," she says. "You can come inside, but you have to be quiet because everyone's asleep right now! I was awake because I was reading, so you're lucky… Oh, Mama's gonna be mad when she finds out."
I don't hesitate to enter, eagerly stepping into the warmth of her house; it's nice not to be freezing your ass off once in a while, you know? She waits as I kick off my shoes, and then hands me a pair of slippers without looking at me at all. We've gone real quiet but it's an okay quiet, and I can hear the wind scraping against the outside of the house. My stomach feels like it's gone back down to where it belongs again.
"Let's go," she whispers, looking at the ground as she leads me over to the staircase. "I hope you don't mind sleeping on the floor, because a sleeping bag's all I got – and don't even think about getting into my bed. Pervert."
"Hey, you mentioned it, not me," I grumble.
She wrinkles her nose and lets out a little 'hmph!', but her lips are twitching, like she's trying to push down a smile. I mean, she can't really be that mad at me like she's acting she is – she did let me in here, after all.
Yeah. I guess it's nice, sometimes, to have someone you can trust like this…
o
Step after step after step. Footsteps over wooden floorboards that whine beneath our weight; I try to focus on that sound so I can't hear his breathing, too damn near to me for comfort.
Like it was when I first entered, only stronger now, more insistent, memories are unravelling from the tight bind I kept them in. Closing my eyes would be just plain stupid, so I just have to let the sight of this place do its work on my mind. Image after image, darting across my vision…
…I was dragged down these stairs, these stairs, hands clamped over my wrists, pressing, throbbing, throat too tight to…
As the recollections open up, they get a little familiar, though I still can't figure it out, even though I want to now! It hurts more to know only little bits and pieces, painful fragments digging into my mind. Naraku did something to me. It makes me sick wondering what with him right next to me, nudging me a little when my footsteps slow.
Just keep breathing.
…thrown onto the floor, voices, his voice…
Keep walking.
"I don't know! I don't know!"
I'm not lying, I swear, I'm sorry, don't…
Keep a straight face – it's not getting to you.
…bones creaking. Blood, this is my blood…
I look up, surprised to see that the door to my room is already in front of me. Even after all this time, there's still the 'FUCK OFF' I carved in the wood at about eye-height in place of a 'Please Knock' sign, and I almost laugh. Naraku's such a damn perfectionist, I thought he would've had that removed by now and put in a new door. Real, tangible things are easy to get rid of most of the time. It's the uncertain ones – the ones only in your head – that get difficult.
"Go on," Naraku says to Sesshou-maru. "Gentlemen first."
Still too valiant for his own good, Sesshou-maru reaches down to the doorknob and twists, letting the door swing all the way open before stepping inside. Light pours into the hallway from a lamp set up on the dresser inside and I have to squint to see, as my eyes aren't used to the brightness. Half of me is illuminated, a dull glow covering the front of my arms and legs. My body is refusing to move and my head it siding with it. An ache is swelling in my temples at just the thought of in there.
"Inside."
Come on, legs, move!
I force myself to stumble inside – Naraku doesn't pretend to hide his smirk as he glides in after me.
"Take a seat," he says, motioning to the bed that used to be mine. Funny, just about everything looks like it was when I ran off. Or at least I think it does. My bed is still half-made, a shirt I couldn't fit in my bag when I left hanging out of one drawer, a day calendar for that year sitting abandoned. Sesshou-maru and I meet eyes again, making urgent, split second conversation through glances.
"We'll stand," he answers coldly.
"Suit yourself then," says Naraku. "But enough pleasantries – let's discuss what we're all here for. Do you remember yet, Kagura?"
There's still not enough memory here for me to put anything solid together. I was hurt, I know that much – fuckers beat me up pretty bad, worse I've ever had it, I think. They were – or maybe it was just him, was he… looking for something? Tremors possess me. It feels so strange to be standing on the edge of it, I know, I'm nearly, damnit nearly there but can't quite…
"Remember what?" My voice shakes, and Naraku just looks amused. Wrong answer?
"Now Kagura, if you're trying to play games with me, then that's a very bad idea. But if you genuinely can't remember, we're going to have to solve that problem quickly, aren't we?"
There's an edge on his words that causes Sesshou-maru (you know, I think he kind of likes playing knight for me) to step over, a protective hand resting on my arm.
"You're not going to touch her again," he threatens. I wish he hadn't put his hand on me though, it just makes me dizzier, that flesh, too valid…
Naraku ignores him, turning to push the door closed instead. A thought strikes me – while his back was turned, in those few seconds, could I have pulled the gun from his hiding place and shot him? Maybe. But my arms stay limp and he's turned back around already. Chance passed. Next time? He's sure fucking cocky.
It's like I'm thirteen years old all over again.
"We could extend this," Naraku is saying, "but I'm really not in the mood anymore. You either have what I'm looking for or you don't, in which this is a waste of time and an inappropriate circumstance for a reunion, though it has been somewhat pleasant."
Smirk.
"Now, Kagura, you either know where the Shikon Jewel is, or you don't. Which is it?"
My lungs are half-filled with air, Sesshou-maru hand is still holding me steady, flesh against flesh (reassurance), and I'm losing hold, teetering, slipping. Over the edge. Thoughts blur. Memory surges forwards, now unlocked from where ever I'd been hiding it and making itself at home in my mind's eye.
The Shikon Jewel…
Three seconds pass, and reality shatters.
Plunge!
Through half-closed eyes, I can still see my knees, lamplight skidding across the bedroom floor, but at the same time, it's transforming into a different place entirely. I can feel myself in that younger, not-so-blemished body, lively yet bitter as I hop from the bed and walk out into the hall on silent feet, sneaking down to the staircase. I've done this before, I know where to step, I know what pace to take myself at. Reckless, foolish, and knowing it. What do I have to loose? the years-old thought echoes in my head.
No, no, no… don't go down there…
But she doesn't (I didn't) listen to me, continuing down to kitchen door, open a few inches, just enough to let the voices leak out clearly. I don't need to listen, though, the knowledge of what they'll say is already in me.
It's strange. I'm watching her, but I am her, but I can't stop her. It already happened. I was here, and I survived – I guess that should console me a little, but I feel just as nauseous. Stupid girl, you stupid girl, just like he always used to say, and no, no, no, this isn't what I'm thinking! I'm not something he made, I'm me, I'm Kagura! And I don't belong to him!
His slick voice: "Well, dinner certainly was delicious. But now, onto business…"
"Yes, about that."
There was always something alarmingly exciting about listening in on Naraku's after-dinner conversation with his clients. What did he do with this one? she wonders (I wondered). A bit of poison, so he can take whatever is on them and then get someone to dispose of the body? Or will the deal go smoothly? Maybe he's got men in the wings, to torture him until he gives in. Who knows with this fucker…
The other voice sounds rough and young. "I was wondering if you could convince me again of the sale. There have been some other offers, you know."
Pause.
"Are you having doubts?" Naraku asks quietly.
"Not doubts. I just don't want to get ripped off, that's all." Dry laughter. "Turns out this thing is a lot more valuable than I thought it was."
"And what are planning to do after you sell? I'm sure the people you stole this from aren't too happy."
"It's none of your business," the young voice snaps. "I'm not stupid, stop treating me like it. I'm getting out of here, what else? Get a new identity, in another country. I've got enough money to last me for a long while. Doesn't matter what happens, I win! Now convince me I should–"
And here he starts to cough.
"C-convince me that I should… I should let…"
There's a crash, a chair toppling over onto the floor tiles and his body landing afterwards. Muffled cries of pain. Looks like it was poison. She is (I was) disgusted, as usual, at all of it.
"You bastard! What… what did you put in the food?"
Naraku stays quiet. It's no use answering a dead man. Right now, he'll be taking a drink of the poison's antidote he had in his pocket the entire meal, watching blood drip from the other man's mouth.
"See this here?" he teases. "This will neutralize the poison. You've got about five minutes to give me the jewel – after that it will be too late. It's simple, you see. You give it to me, and I give you what you need to live. You're young, and could have a long life ahead of you. It was a mistake to get mixed up in affairs such as this. Give me the Shikon Jewel and I'll straighten it all out."
"Fuck…"
A gun goes off loudly, leaving her (my) ears ringing. The side-door of the kitchen can be heard opening, then slamming shut. Screams, a few more shots, the sounds of a struggle. Nothing she (I) haven't heard before, but it still managed to leave a chill. Curiosity killed the cat. Going back upstairs would be a good idea right now, a very good idea. However, as she gets (I got) to my feet beneath the noise of the fight inside, something glints, rolling through the small opening in the doorway and into the hall.
This…
Heartbeat thudding in her (my) temple, she lunges forwards to snatch it up. Her (my) fingers feel sticky as she hides it in her fist. Blood, no doubt. The excitement of the moment is still races. She (I) really should not be doing this, and that pushes her (me) forwards, up to the staircase, quietly. The jewel is cool against her (my) palm, and perfectly round. The blood makes it a little slippery, but she holds on (I hold on, so tightly).
"Where the fuck did it go? It was here, I saw it, that cretin had it!"
"Relax," says one of the men who rushed in. Naraku probably had them waiting outside during the entire meal, just in case. "He's dead now, it's not going to go anywhere. I mean, it probably rolled out through the door."
Shit. Panic seizes me, sucks me into the moment until I can't tell where I start and she begins. I speed up my footsteps and my pulse follows along.
"We'll go check," Naraku says icily.
Shit shit shit. I manage to reach the top of the staircase before the door opens, but their eyes catch me immediately and I break into a run towards my room. I pass Kanna's room first though – the door's open and the lights are off, but I doubt she's asleep. I watch my hand open, a bloody curl marked in my palm, and the jewel tumbles through the open doorway. I keep running – there are footsteps behind me, and "That little bitch!" (that's his voice).
Here's way things start to blur. My lungs ache as I try to slow my respiration, as I stuff myself into the bottom of my closet and shut my eyes tight, so tight like the closet door I'm wishing had a lock. Anything physical I feel is barely there in comparison to the fear closing in on me. This was stupid. This was a mistake. There are footsteps outside my room – please no, please no. What could I do? I could get out of this stupid hiding place and apologize. To him? I don't want to apologize to him – that fucker – and I know I can't take getting hit, bleeding, but what if it goes to far? I don't matter, he could kill me, he knows he could. I should've shot him so long ago, way back then when I had the chance. Almost 18, still the same, same old fucking story, and what if–
Finally, after they've searched everywhere else, the closet door opens. I could scream, "It was just a joke! It's in Kanna's room, I swear!" but I don't, and don't know why. Hands take me, pulling me up, pushing me to the side.
"Your Father wants a word with you. Come on."
I should follow them, but I don't. I stay still, mouth closed. I resist when the pull me forwards. I kick as they drag me out. Such a stupid little girl, you damn stupid little girl! It's horrid to know, to experience it again from the same angle, knowing. Knowing how many times my head will thud against the stairs, the place they'll leave me, the look on Naraku face as he stands over me. How he'll smirk.
"So much trouble over such a little jewel. One terribly valuable little jewel." I wince inwardly as he smirks. "Do you have something of mine, Kagura?"
My mouth moves without my consent, but all of hers. "No."
Pressure is applied to my hand, finger bones threatening to crack under someone's weight.
"I'll ask you again…"
"Ask all you want," comes my cocky voice, "but I don't have your stupid piece of shit jewel!"
The pressure comes off my hand suddenly and I feel it being lifted, someone grabbing my little finger and then a loud crack. I scream, but the pain is still there, throbbing rhythmically. Vision blurred, I hide inside my body and refuse to speak, taking hit after hit with a delirious smile. Minutes pass. There's the smell and bitter taste of my own blood, along with rot drifting upwards from beneath the floorboards. It's too much (here's where I start to fade out), and he's going too far, but I overstepped and…
It's just so much easier just not to be here.
I can feel the younger Kagura letting go of the moment, pretending none of it is happening. Just a nightmare. Nothing happened, and she didn't to anything to make it happen (it was a stupid, little thing from her eyes, but from his it was huge, must've been. I guess I was used to him overreacting, slapping me around for the fun of it, but it was never this bad). Even as it was going on, I was erasing it in my head. I was trying to get rid of it, because honestly, as he screamed at me and kicked me again, taunting me and fucking enjoying it, I thought quietly, that I might die. Everything was suddenly in a focus too sharp and I needed to get away. It was too real, and death was too easy.
Faintly…
"We looked around boss, but we can't find it. Hey… hey, I don't think she has it, maybe you should–"
"Tear apart her room," Naraku growls, somewhere. "I know she took it. I saw it in her hand; she probably hid it somewhere…"
Footsteps leave me. Darkness closes in, and it's sweet.
There are only short clips of the next few days, as I was in a medicated sleep for most of it (though I remember that people were searching my room thoroughly, and then started on the entire house). A friend of Naraku's, the doctor, comes in to treat me. He tells me I'm lucky – only several of my fingers, a few ribs and my nose had been broken. The majority of my injuries were bruises, though my lip was cut open badly as well (and that brutal gash in my back…). As soon as I had healed, I convinced myself those injuries had never happened. I managed to graduate high school, barely. Instead of going to an after-party, I went home to pack up what I needed and was gone by the next morning.
Gasping for breath as I break the surface.
So that's how it had been. It's… a little disturbing to know that I've been fooling myself so well all that time. I slip back into reality (the undecided place where there are still chances) and try to push myself back into the middle of things, hoping I've only been out of it for a short time. The past is the past, however gruesome or troubling, and now is where I need to be. Sesshou-maru is still holding my arm, staring at me anxiously while Naraku blathers on…
"…and recently I've run into a little problem, you see. Blackmail – it's never pretty, especially when one's been able to keep a spotless record for so long. But a certain rival has managed to trace me – somehow – to the jewel's disappearance, and he's threatening to… expose me if I'm not able to produce it. So much trouble over such a little jewel. That thing has been causing misfortunate for centuries, apparently; it–"
"I don't have it."
He looks up, almost surprised. "Did you–"
"Same as it always was," I hiss at him, my fingers digging into the stiff mattress. What good would telling him I threw it into Kanna's room do now? "I don't have it. Tough luck."
"Well then." His expression turns from confusion to amusement, another sick smile making its way onto his pallid face. "Well then, I guess you're still of no good use to me. You're a disappointment, Kagura…"
Making sure my features are set strongly, I bring myself to my feet and Sesshou-maru follows. We're going to get the fuck out of here and live to tell, I swear. I don't care what Naraku does, I'll do everything I can to keep living. And not just to spite him either – because I want us to, and I owe it to Sesshou-maru. Fuck death; I'm not done living.
"Where do you think you're going?" Naraku taunts. "Think I'm going to just let you leave? No, you've caused me far too much difficulty, Kagura, to let you off without paying me back even a little."
"I'm not doing anything for you," I tell him.
"You don't really have a choice," he growls, lunging forward. Intake of breath. Sesshou-maru pulls my body behind his, arms squeezing me tight and refusing to loosen. All I can see is the black fabric covering his chest.
Gunshots.
You think I would be used to them, but they still make me jump. Screams get caught in my throat, coming out in muffled squeaks. I can't see, damnit, who shot? If it was Naraku, then… no, it's Naraku's voice that's yelping. I hear a body hit the floor near me (not Sesshou-maru, so it must be… then who shot, if his arms have been still?). Twisting my body around – one, two, three more shots sound – I manage to peek over Sesshou-maru's arm, but only enough to be sure of a few simple, but crucial things. Naraku is bleeding on the floor beside us. There's someone in the doorway holding a pistol. The shots keep coming – four, five, six, seven, eight – until there's no more bullets left, and there's nothing but a dull 'click' as they pull the trigger – nine, ten, eleven, twelve – and they drop down to their knees. Their weapon falls to the floor with a clatter.
"Kanna."
She sits there in the doorway, stained golden by the lamp's glow, just staring at Naraku (gasping, choking, dying slowly) with her expressionless eyes. Sesshou-maru's arms loosen and he allows me to take several cautious step towards her. She's older, with a womanish body and longer hair, but she still looks like the Kanna I used to know as my sister, my fellow prisoner, my hesitant partner in crime.
"There…" she mumbles, most likely to herself. "There, finally."
"Kanna, are you–"
"I finished it," she cuts in.
And then it hits. I turn sharply around – there he is, lying motionless. His ragged breathing has stopped.
He's dead. Naraku is dead, and… what now? Should I happy? I want to be, in a way. Serves him right, doesn't it? I should be glad he's gone for good, and he can't do any more damage to anyone. This should set it all straight, but does it? He's still… he was still human, just like the rest of us, even if he was such a bastard while he was alive. Death is death is death. He was my father. But if Kanna hadn't shot him, what would he have done to us? I don't know.
I don't know.
"Kagura?" Sesshou-maru asks. "Shouldn't we be getting out of here?"
Damned practical… he's right, but…
My eyes are stuck on Naraku and I can't pull them away from his limp form, stomach-down on the floor in a pool of red that's slowly expanding outwards, sinking into the cracks in the wood. Just a cold body he used to inhabit. Same thing happened with Kagewaki. We'll all be the same eventually. Doesn't matter who you were, how hard you worked, how long you lived; you still rot when they bury you six feet under. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone and I guess I'm free now, right?
After a while I'm able to convince my eyes to look at something else for a while, and manage a quick glance at Sesshou-maru, gesturing for him to give me a minute. Naraku, the jewel, the web we had to work our way through to get here – I forget that mess for a moment.
"Kanna?"
I collapse on the floor next to her, doing my best to smile. She deserves it.
"Thank you," I tell her, but she doesn't respond. "Kanna? Are you alright?"
"Y-yes. I think so." She exhales deeply. I reach forward with the intent to embrace her or something – it's been so long since I've seen her – but we're interrupted by the appearance of Jakotsu and Bankotsu at the top of the stairway. One of Bankotsu's arms is slung over Jakotsu's shoulder so Jakotsu can support his weight as they hobble over to us awkwardly. I guess they made it alive as well, then, and I'm glad. (But what about the people they killed, bodies laying cold beneath us? And Renkotsu? All dead, probably…)
"Hey!" I call over to them. "You guys okay?"
"Not really!" Bankotsu replies, face half-contorted in a wince. "But we'll live, so don't worry about it. There's quite a fucking mess downstairs, though. What about you?"
"We're all fine. I guess." Sort of?
"Good. What happened to…"
No one says anything. They have to limp over here to see for themselves, and don't look bothered when they do. It's one thing to see death and start to get used to it, but the desensitization of delivering it must be a different thing entirely. Such an easy thing in this day and age – all you have to is move your finger a little, pull the trigger, and a life is snuffed out. Bang. Just like that. It's too damn easy.
"Right then," Bankotsu says, exhaling. "We should get out of here."
"Clean up," Jakotsu reminds him, wrinkling his nose a bit. "The bigger the fun, the more mess you have to clean up, sadly."
"I'll call someone," Bankotsu mutters. "I don't feel like doing cleaning and cover up tonight." He glances down at Kanna. "Who's this?"
"My sister," I tell him, and he nods, not questioning it any further. Everyone is silent for a while again, but silence leaves way too much room for thought so I pipe in again: "Alright, are we gonna go?"
"Right," someone answers, but I'm staring at the floor, the floor of this house, and not paying attention to who it was. Bankotsu and Jakotsu turn around, beginning the trek out, and I manage to pull myself shakily to my feet. Yeah, I'm okay to stand, I can walk on out of this place. Kanna, however, stays as she is. I glance at Sesshou-maru, who has come to stand beside me.
"Would you mind carrying her?" I ask.
"All right," he says, doing his best to stay apathetic. "Are you–"
"Let's worry about me later, 'kay?"
Lips pursed, Sesshou-maru bends down to Kanna, looping one arm around her back and the other beneath her knees. She lets him lift her off the ground, feet dangling in mid-air and her arms drawn into her chest. She has no reason to protest, I suppose, for does she have anywhere to go now? I don't think her eyes have left him this entire time.
"Wait," she murmurs as Sesshou-maru begins out the doorway, and he pauses a moment (nope, never as badass as he tries to seem). We both watch her reach into one of the pockets on her white jacket, pulling out a small plastic bag of sorts. Glistening in the dim light as she opens the bag and pours its contents into her hand is that goddamned Shikon Jewel. Right there. The reason for this – why Naraku was playing with me, reeling me and everyone else in.
I'm tempted to ask her for it. That things probably worth enough to let us live comfortably for a long while, but before I can even put my lips into motion, it's gone from her hand. With a sudden burst of violence, Kanna whips the jewel across the room. It hits a wall with a loud crack, and then, reflected light shimmering, breaks. Pieces too many to count scatter over the floor, falling – some land in that large lake of blood surrounding Naraku. Shattered.
"There." Kanna sighs. "It's done."
"You had it," I start.
"I kept that for years," she says, smiling vaguely. "Good thing I did."
Why? my mind interjects. If you'd just given it to him, it would have saved us so much trouble – my life would have continued on without all this!
"Without it, I don't think I would've been able to do this… to escape, like you did."
Without it and what it caused, would I have had enough guts to leave? I'm not sure if I believe in fate or not, but if there is such a thing, it has a pretty sick sense of humour.
"I see," Sesshou-maru says. Honestly, I doubt he does, but he lets me lean against him as we head down the stairs so I'm not complaining. Out of the house (finally, again), down the road to where the car is parked. We pile into the back seat, and I'm squished in the middle again. Jakotsu and Bankotsu have managed to patch themselves up for the time being with a shoddy first-aid kit, so we're off.
Part of me still doesn't believe it – that it's all over and gone, behind us. However, it'll still be with us, now as memories (no doubt the kind that will keep me awake at night). We're alive, though. It's easy to die, and it doesn't take very long, but living? That's the hard part, and you have to work at that for a long time, through lots of shit to do it. At any point you could give in. It's worth it though, I think, staring past Sesshou-maru (his hand warm over mine) at the dirty city racing past. I don't know what's going to happen to me tomorrow, or what Kanna's going to do after this, or anything…
But I think living is definitely, definitely worth it.