Title: The Lies One Tells to Make it Through the Day
Rating: R
Author: Azure K Mello
Part: (7/?)
Disclaimer: Joss, not me. Also premises stolen from Jacob M. Bosch, story found here: who stole it from Saone. I asked for permission from Jacob.
Summery: What will Buffy do now? How will Xander react to everything?
Pairing: Angel/Xander SLASH
Spoilers/setting: High school/ midseason Two because Angel and Buffy have never made the beast up to this point. Assume we're around, "What's My Line?" because Dru is still sick. Also assume that Angel didn't explain too clearly in "Lie to Me" about who Dru was.
Warning: mega angst. Buffy bashing, don't read it and don't flame. I've warned you, only idiots don't read the liner notes and then bitch.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"So, Xander, why did you come to talk to me?"
The boy fidgeted slightly and the man wrote something down. "My aunt said she would pay if I ever wanted to come to you, it was sort of a Christmas present." The man gave him an odd look, "Well," continued Xander, "I kinda grew up in weird circumstances and she figured that one day I might want to discuss it."
"So that's why you're here? To talk about childhood? What do you want from our time together?"
"I got over childhood trauma, that's all of the good now. What I really wanted was just someone to talk to about stuff that isn't part of everything going on."
"Which is exactly what I'll be for you," the doctor smiled kindly.
"A lot of stuff. . . well I don't know if you'll believe it. I guess some of it is rather unbelievable." Said the nervous youth with a shrug.
Dr. Redkin looked at him for a moment before saying slowly, "In this day and age it often feels like we live on the mouth of hell. Anything you tell me will be kept confidential." The metaphor was carefully sculpted.
"You know about the Hellmouth? This makes things so much easer!" Xander was so relieved. "How did you find out about it?"
"My son was turned."
"I'm so sorry."
"Thankfully once my eyes were opened I didn't have to kill him myself. There are good people out there who do know."
"You mean the slayer?"
"Well yes, Buffy Summers is one person but she didn't kill him. This might sound hard to believe but actually a vampire with a soul took care of it." He saw Xander pale slightly. "What the matter?"
"Angel," he said softly.
"Yes, you know him? I believe he's Buffy's boyfriend. Are you good friends with Buffy?"
"We used to be uber-close but then," he laughed, "but then I stole her boyfriend!" Xander couldn't help but see the humor in the situation. "This is ridiculous!" He quickly spilled out the past few months: the spell, being kicked out of the house, the aftermath, the anger. The gory details were left out, but a vivid picture was painted for the older man.
"I never wanted this to happen. I never meant for Buffy to get hurt. But now it's all so muddled up, and all of this resentment and contempt, that she's apparently been building up, has been outed. No pun intended. This is all so hard."
"So what exactly did Buffy say? When did this happen?"
"She went and talked to him this morning and came to yell at me at about eleven-ish. And she used some really foul language, words I had to look up. And basically she just ripped me a new orifice. And I don't know what to do! Angel wants to go away for a while. He said he would make all the arrangements and we could go and just wait for things to simmer down a bit. But I don't know, that just seems so cowardly. . . I feel like, maybe it's silly. . . " his words trailed off he didn't want to say it out loud and sound like a whining woman.
"A kept man?" guessed the doctor correctly.
"Is that stupid? I mean the way he talks. Right now I'm staying at Willow's and he's already making all these plans, and they sound really nice. Vampires they take mates, and I'm seventeen."
"You don't want that? You're too young?"
"No, see maybe that's why I'm nutty, I want it so badly. But it scares me so much and I don't want to lose him. But being a mate means becoming immortal, I would never age, or die, or lead a normal life. No kids, no wife, no house in suburbia . . . And yet I want that so badly, but scares me because what if it all falls apart?" Xander worried his lower lip as he often did. "This is mad and I'm prattling. Buffy always called it Xander babble, I thought it was because she thought it was sweet, maybe it just pissed her off."
"Here's what I think, not as your doctor but as a friend with some knowledge. Take things slow with Angel. He'll understand. You need to break the manly code and talk to him about how you feel, that might be hard for you: you've "hung out" with women and tried for so long to be the manly man. Give it up, Angel won't think less of you. He already knows you have emotions so don't try to hide them. You had a very. . . tumultuous start, make it all easier on yourself. Go away if you want to, take some time off of the Hellmouth. Sort your head out, enjoy some time away, just remember you will need to deal with this. This won't cure it, it'll just help you figure out where you want to go. As for feeling like a kept man. . . Angel has all of his money from the investments he made with the money and property of people he killed. Why not use it for something as apposed to just letting it sit there? Spending money is good for the global economy."
"That's a good point. Could I come and talk to you again?"
"Absolutely, I'd love to hear about your trip. Call my secretary when you get back."
"Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where were you?" asked Angel as Xander walked in. "Did Buffy find you?"
"Yeah, but don't worry, I think it'll be the last time." Xander threw his backpack into a corner. Walking over to Angel he asked, "Are you ok? You seemed freaked? Was she mean?"
Angel just shook his head and smiled at his rambling boy, it took a lot more than Huffy-Buffy to hurt the feelings of a 250 year old demon. He pulled the boy close and had his chin resting on the top of Xan's head. "Remember Drusilla?"
"The sometime paramour of William the Bloody?" asked Xander in a rather good impression of Giles. He pulled back slightly so he could look at Angel as they spoke. "Buffy thought that maybe you and she had somethin goin' on. She said you weren't really big on alleviating her fears." Angel went quiet and looked shame faced. "So what *is* the matter?"
"Dru is my childe. I turned her." He said looking away.
"Oh," said Xander softly.
"But first I drove her mad. She was a seer, pure and innocent and so very Christian. She confessed every time she had a vision and I would always kill the priest and go in to the confessional in his place and told her that she was evil. I killed everyone she loved and did everything possible to make her insane. And then the day she was to become a nun I turned her."
"Oh, and Spike? He's umm Dru's childe?" said Xander quietly not knowing what to say.
"No, I turned Spike as well. I had three childer. I don't know where Penn is, I took off after I got my soul. I left Dru and Spike with my sire Darla in Romania and was meant to meet Penn in Italy."
"Sire? So that's what it means." Xander felt Angel go to pull away from him. "So what's the sitch? Why are you so upset?"
"Drusilla's very ill and I told Spike I would go help her."
"And?" Xander didn't understand why Angel was acting so peculiarly. It suddenly dawned on him, "Oh for Christ sakes, 'Ohmigod, my vampire lover *didn't* spend the last 250 years alone! The nerve!' Do you honestly think so little of me?"
"I just thought that you loathed vampires."
"I already told you: most of it was cover because I couldn't have you. Some of it was resentment because Jesse was turned. Very little of it was actual loathing."
"But I mean, you aren't angry that I'm going to help Dru?" he asked in a small voice.
"I think," said Xander slowly, "I would be more upset if you just turned your back on them. You're responsible for them for better or worse. They're family and I can understand why you would do this. The mothers of murderers still love them."
"But their mothers didn't teach them to kill." Angel was into full on brood-mood.
"But they feed their kids." He sighed heavily thinking back to what Spike said and then Angel brought him out of his reverie.
"I'm not a good man, Xander."
It hit home with everything Spike said, "I don't want to offend you. And I don't want you to take this the wrong way," said Xander shucking Angel under the chin and forcing him to meet his eye, "But you aren't a man at all." He saw the flash of pain in Angel's eyes but kept talking. "You aren't human, and to hold yourself up to those ideals isn't fair. You are a vampire, people are your food source. Big fucking deal. I like hamburgers and you don't see me repenting for the cow, I like my leather shoes and the pants I've never worn." He saw Angel's eyes go dark with lust, "Focus, honey. I could be a vegetarian, or even a vegan but I'm not gonna. I mean I guess vegan is what you do: drinking bovine instead of human. And I guess it would be kinda vegetarian if you fed but didn't kill the person: like drinking milk but not slaughtering the cow. And yes, we patrol and kill vampires, but we're the food. Do you honestly think cows *wouldn't* fight back if they could? Of course they would, it's preservation instincts. But it's our self-preservation that leads us to eat them. Neither is more right or wrong. Vampires are just eating their hamburgers and I can't find a fault with that. And *and*," Xander was trying to make as many valid points as possible. "It takes twelve cows to make a pair of pants where as vampires only wear one human body. It's kind of like the Eskimos, you use your food to its fullest extent: for entertainment, clothing, and food. Hell we don't even use the skins of the animals we eat: beef cattle and cattle used for leather are two totally separate breeds."
"Like the Eskimos?" echoed Angel. "But what about us? You and I? And don't you dare say I've seen past your yummy-ness," Said Angel reading the boy's mind, "I would rather *not* be compared with those guys who try to marry their goat saying that they really are in love."
"I don't know," said Xander finally running out of steam for his onslaught of reasoning. "Does it really matter? The point is that I don't see anything wrong with you being close to your family. I don't see anything wrong with anything you've ever done. . . no matter what I've said in the past, it was just bullshit."
"I love you, Xan." The boy just smiled in reply. "I love you so much."
"So when are we going to see your kids?" He saw the look of surprise on Angel's face and misinterpreted it. "I'll wait here for you." He looked down at the linoleum in disgust. Why *would* Angel want him to go? He was such an idiot sometimes and always said stuff without thinking. The vampire might love him but he probably didn't want the demon community to know about them.
"No you won't." Angel was so happy: he boy wanted to meet his family! It was one thing to say that he was ok with it, it was another to volunteer to witness it.
Rating: R
Author: Azure K Mello
Part: (7/?)
Disclaimer: Joss, not me. Also premises stolen from Jacob M. Bosch, story found here: who stole it from Saone. I asked for permission from Jacob.
Summery: What will Buffy do now? How will Xander react to everything?
Pairing: Angel/Xander SLASH
Spoilers/setting: High school/ midseason Two because Angel and Buffy have never made the beast up to this point. Assume we're around, "What's My Line?" because Dru is still sick. Also assume that Angel didn't explain too clearly in "Lie to Me" about who Dru was.
Warning: mega angst. Buffy bashing, don't read it and don't flame. I've warned you, only idiots don't read the liner notes and then bitch.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"So, Xander, why did you come to talk to me?"
The boy fidgeted slightly and the man wrote something down. "My aunt said she would pay if I ever wanted to come to you, it was sort of a Christmas present." The man gave him an odd look, "Well," continued Xander, "I kinda grew up in weird circumstances and she figured that one day I might want to discuss it."
"So that's why you're here? To talk about childhood? What do you want from our time together?"
"I got over childhood trauma, that's all of the good now. What I really wanted was just someone to talk to about stuff that isn't part of everything going on."
"Which is exactly what I'll be for you," the doctor smiled kindly.
"A lot of stuff. . . well I don't know if you'll believe it. I guess some of it is rather unbelievable." Said the nervous youth with a shrug.
Dr. Redkin looked at him for a moment before saying slowly, "In this day and age it often feels like we live on the mouth of hell. Anything you tell me will be kept confidential." The metaphor was carefully sculpted.
"You know about the Hellmouth? This makes things so much easer!" Xander was so relieved. "How did you find out about it?"
"My son was turned."
"I'm so sorry."
"Thankfully once my eyes were opened I didn't have to kill him myself. There are good people out there who do know."
"You mean the slayer?"
"Well yes, Buffy Summers is one person but she didn't kill him. This might sound hard to believe but actually a vampire with a soul took care of it." He saw Xander pale slightly. "What the matter?"
"Angel," he said softly.
"Yes, you know him? I believe he's Buffy's boyfriend. Are you good friends with Buffy?"
"We used to be uber-close but then," he laughed, "but then I stole her boyfriend!" Xander couldn't help but see the humor in the situation. "This is ridiculous!" He quickly spilled out the past few months: the spell, being kicked out of the house, the aftermath, the anger. The gory details were left out, but a vivid picture was painted for the older man.
"I never wanted this to happen. I never meant for Buffy to get hurt. But now it's all so muddled up, and all of this resentment and contempt, that she's apparently been building up, has been outed. No pun intended. This is all so hard."
"So what exactly did Buffy say? When did this happen?"
"She went and talked to him this morning and came to yell at me at about eleven-ish. And she used some really foul language, words I had to look up. And basically she just ripped me a new orifice. And I don't know what to do! Angel wants to go away for a while. He said he would make all the arrangements and we could go and just wait for things to simmer down a bit. But I don't know, that just seems so cowardly. . . I feel like, maybe it's silly. . . " his words trailed off he didn't want to say it out loud and sound like a whining woman.
"A kept man?" guessed the doctor correctly.
"Is that stupid? I mean the way he talks. Right now I'm staying at Willow's and he's already making all these plans, and they sound really nice. Vampires they take mates, and I'm seventeen."
"You don't want that? You're too young?"
"No, see maybe that's why I'm nutty, I want it so badly. But it scares me so much and I don't want to lose him. But being a mate means becoming immortal, I would never age, or die, or lead a normal life. No kids, no wife, no house in suburbia . . . And yet I want that so badly, but scares me because what if it all falls apart?" Xander worried his lower lip as he often did. "This is mad and I'm prattling. Buffy always called it Xander babble, I thought it was because she thought it was sweet, maybe it just pissed her off."
"Here's what I think, not as your doctor but as a friend with some knowledge. Take things slow with Angel. He'll understand. You need to break the manly code and talk to him about how you feel, that might be hard for you: you've "hung out" with women and tried for so long to be the manly man. Give it up, Angel won't think less of you. He already knows you have emotions so don't try to hide them. You had a very. . . tumultuous start, make it all easier on yourself. Go away if you want to, take some time off of the Hellmouth. Sort your head out, enjoy some time away, just remember you will need to deal with this. This won't cure it, it'll just help you figure out where you want to go. As for feeling like a kept man. . . Angel has all of his money from the investments he made with the money and property of people he killed. Why not use it for something as apposed to just letting it sit there? Spending money is good for the global economy."
"That's a good point. Could I come and talk to you again?"
"Absolutely, I'd love to hear about your trip. Call my secretary when you get back."
"Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where were you?" asked Angel as Xander walked in. "Did Buffy find you?"
"Yeah, but don't worry, I think it'll be the last time." Xander threw his backpack into a corner. Walking over to Angel he asked, "Are you ok? You seemed freaked? Was she mean?"
Angel just shook his head and smiled at his rambling boy, it took a lot more than Huffy-Buffy to hurt the feelings of a 250 year old demon. He pulled the boy close and had his chin resting on the top of Xan's head. "Remember Drusilla?"
"The sometime paramour of William the Bloody?" asked Xander in a rather good impression of Giles. He pulled back slightly so he could look at Angel as they spoke. "Buffy thought that maybe you and she had somethin goin' on. She said you weren't really big on alleviating her fears." Angel went quiet and looked shame faced. "So what *is* the matter?"
"Dru is my childe. I turned her." He said looking away.
"Oh," said Xander softly.
"But first I drove her mad. She was a seer, pure and innocent and so very Christian. She confessed every time she had a vision and I would always kill the priest and go in to the confessional in his place and told her that she was evil. I killed everyone she loved and did everything possible to make her insane. And then the day she was to become a nun I turned her."
"Oh, and Spike? He's umm Dru's childe?" said Xander quietly not knowing what to say.
"No, I turned Spike as well. I had three childer. I don't know where Penn is, I took off after I got my soul. I left Dru and Spike with my sire Darla in Romania and was meant to meet Penn in Italy."
"Sire? So that's what it means." Xander felt Angel go to pull away from him. "So what's the sitch? Why are you so upset?"
"Drusilla's very ill and I told Spike I would go help her."
"And?" Xander didn't understand why Angel was acting so peculiarly. It suddenly dawned on him, "Oh for Christ sakes, 'Ohmigod, my vampire lover *didn't* spend the last 250 years alone! The nerve!' Do you honestly think so little of me?"
"I just thought that you loathed vampires."
"I already told you: most of it was cover because I couldn't have you. Some of it was resentment because Jesse was turned. Very little of it was actual loathing."
"But I mean, you aren't angry that I'm going to help Dru?" he asked in a small voice.
"I think," said Xander slowly, "I would be more upset if you just turned your back on them. You're responsible for them for better or worse. They're family and I can understand why you would do this. The mothers of murderers still love them."
"But their mothers didn't teach them to kill." Angel was into full on brood-mood.
"But they feed their kids." He sighed heavily thinking back to what Spike said and then Angel brought him out of his reverie.
"I'm not a good man, Xander."
It hit home with everything Spike said, "I don't want to offend you. And I don't want you to take this the wrong way," said Xander shucking Angel under the chin and forcing him to meet his eye, "But you aren't a man at all." He saw the flash of pain in Angel's eyes but kept talking. "You aren't human, and to hold yourself up to those ideals isn't fair. You are a vampire, people are your food source. Big fucking deal. I like hamburgers and you don't see me repenting for the cow, I like my leather shoes and the pants I've never worn." He saw Angel's eyes go dark with lust, "Focus, honey. I could be a vegetarian, or even a vegan but I'm not gonna. I mean I guess vegan is what you do: drinking bovine instead of human. And I guess it would be kinda vegetarian if you fed but didn't kill the person: like drinking milk but not slaughtering the cow. And yes, we patrol and kill vampires, but we're the food. Do you honestly think cows *wouldn't* fight back if they could? Of course they would, it's preservation instincts. But it's our self-preservation that leads us to eat them. Neither is more right or wrong. Vampires are just eating their hamburgers and I can't find a fault with that. And *and*," Xander was trying to make as many valid points as possible. "It takes twelve cows to make a pair of pants where as vampires only wear one human body. It's kind of like the Eskimos, you use your food to its fullest extent: for entertainment, clothing, and food. Hell we don't even use the skins of the animals we eat: beef cattle and cattle used for leather are two totally separate breeds."
"Like the Eskimos?" echoed Angel. "But what about us? You and I? And don't you dare say I've seen past your yummy-ness," Said Angel reading the boy's mind, "I would rather *not* be compared with those guys who try to marry their goat saying that they really are in love."
"I don't know," said Xander finally running out of steam for his onslaught of reasoning. "Does it really matter? The point is that I don't see anything wrong with you being close to your family. I don't see anything wrong with anything you've ever done. . . no matter what I've said in the past, it was just bullshit."
"I love you, Xan." The boy just smiled in reply. "I love you so much."
"So when are we going to see your kids?" He saw the look of surprise on Angel's face and misinterpreted it. "I'll wait here for you." He looked down at the linoleum in disgust. Why *would* Angel want him to go? He was such an idiot sometimes and always said stuff without thinking. The vampire might love him but he probably didn't want the demon community to know about them.
"No you won't." Angel was so happy: he boy wanted to meet his family! It was one thing to say that he was ok with it, it was another to volunteer to witness it.