Part: (9/?)
Writer: Az K Mello
Summery: what is Xander's deal?
Pairing: Angel/Xander SLASH
Warning: mega angst. Buffy bashing, don't read it and don't flame. I've warned you, only idiots don't read the liner notes and then bitch.
The rest can be found here: at my web group or at ff.net
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"Sleep now," whispered Angel as he lay the boy down. But Xander wouldn't take his arms from around Angel's neck. Instead he held fast and Angel to him.
"Want you," he begged.
"No you don't," said Angel, "you're very sick."
"I do," Xander argued tiredly.
"I'll stay with you," said Angel toeing off his shoes and pulling the boy close to him under the covers. But as Xander started to grope him he said, "No touching! Stop it, Xan, why are you doing this?"
"Because I need you." The boy spoke in a small voice and wouldn't meet the vampire's eye.
"You have me."
"But," he looked up and all of Angel's fears and doubts were confirmed by the look in the boy's eyes. So complex were the golden brown sugar orbs. There was so much love, and fear, and self loathing, and hopelessness contained therein.
It all clicked in Angel's mind and he felt physically sick, "Christ, Xander, you aren't a toy! Is that what you think? That I won't want you around if you don't put out? That I wouldn't want you physically broken because I only like your physical presence?"
"No." The boy dropped his eye contact and was one strained and ticking muscle.
"Fuck! You're so wrong! How could you? How did I make you think? I love you, Xander. You aren't a good lay!"
"Thanks a fucking lot, Angel!" He made to move but Angel didn't even need to try to restrain him as the boy was still almost paralyzed with the toxin. It would be out of his system within the hour. The furthest he could get was about a foot between them.
"That's not what I meant!" Angel was scared that he wouldn't clarify himself within the hour and that the human would leave. "You are. You're amazing in fact. So tight, and perfect, and innocent. But it's you I love not your body. You aren't *just* a good lay is what I meant. I want you in this bed for the rest of eternity. Not as the body I'm fucking but as the man I love."
"Oh," said Xander softly without looking up.
"How could you even think?. . . What happened to you to make you think so little of yourself? Is it just Buffy or. . . who can I kill to make you realize you're worth it? You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong man. You're funny as hell. You're kind and powerful and you will do anything to protect anyone you give a damn about. You accept me for who I am, I feel comfortable and safe around you. The guilt I feel for simply existing sinks into the background when you smile. . ." He thought about his next words he didn't want to scare the boy, but the boy didn't scare easily, "Six months ago if I had lost my soul I would have destroyed this world, no question about it. For a hundred years I've locked my demon up tight and have not let him to control anything. Sometimes I feel him or hear him and he hates this existence. He's locked in his own body and not able to do anything. Sometimes I lay awake just longing for a bloodbath. To just not have the soul and all the guilt that goes with it, to be free: to be what I am. It's who I am no matter how much I hate it or am ashamed. If I lost my soul I would have gone mad and I would have destroyed this world to avenge myself of all these indignities. But you make me feel ok on every level, you make me feel clean even in being a vampire. I love you with everything I am. And if I lost my soul now I'd order some take in and cuddle up with you in front of the telly. . . I might sneak out afterwards to kill the slayer and find something to eat, but my first instinct would be to stay with you. Because I love you, you're what I choose. I love you. Ok?"
Xander nodded with a slight smile the adrenalin of the fight was dissipating. His Angel loved him, he was safe. He let the lethargy seep into him. "Can I just get some cuddles now? I promise I won't seduce you. 'M just. . ."
"Tactile?" offered Angel, "come here, little one." The boy felt so good against his side. He ran his fingers over Xander's abused body. The runchcoun demon's wound was just one of many marring his love's figure. In his mind he killed Xander's father a million different ways: he was positive it was the man's work.
"Hey 'm not lil. Same height!"
"Right you are, love." It was true they were the same size but Xander was so young, innocent, and frightened that he came off as much smaller than he was. Angel was planning on mending all of Xander's emotional insecurities, the boy *would* see who he was. "I shouldn't have started a fight with you. Poison is still pumping through your veins. You shouldn't have saved me. It couldn't have hurt me. The poison is like a mosquito's spit. They inject it to make the blood thinner and easy to drink, I don't have the right blood. Thank you for trying to save me Xander. No one's ever tried to save me. No one's ever felt I was worth saving before. To have a creature such as yourself put me first. . . I can't even explain. . . Whistler told me I would find redemption at the side of the slayer. I thought I was to fight by her, turns out that what he meant was that a brunette would be standing on her right with bangs in his eyes and clothes that undermined his beauty." Throughout Angel's soft words Xander had been finding the perfect spot to be completely comfortable. He was in that state wherein one's body is completely weightless yet at the same time so heavy and one is totally aware of their entire being.
"Angel?" asked the seraph when he was all wrapped up around his lover. The protectiveness of the position made Angel smile. The boy was his protector. How odd yet wholly correct.
"Um?" he came out of his own drowse to answer.
"I'm sorry about Drusilla, I know how hard it must have been for you." Angel's arms tightened reflexively around the boy's waist.
"Yeah," his voice was shaky, "ever since I got my soul. . ."
"Can I do anything? I mean, she's scary as hell, but maybe I could talk to her? Could I maybe try? Would that be ok? Tell me if I'm crossin' a line."
"That would be fine." Tears fell down Angel's face as he stroked the back of the human's head. "Go to sleep, dear boy. You're sick and need rest and so do I."
"Love you."
"And you too."
Writer: Az K Mello
Summery: what is Xander's deal?
Pairing: Angel/Xander SLASH
Warning: mega angst. Buffy bashing, don't read it and don't flame. I've warned you, only idiots don't read the liner notes and then bitch.
The rest can be found here: at my web group or at ff.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sleep now," whispered Angel as he lay the boy down. But Xander wouldn't take his arms from around Angel's neck. Instead he held fast and Angel to him.
"Want you," he begged.
"No you don't," said Angel, "you're very sick."
"I do," Xander argued tiredly.
"I'll stay with you," said Angel toeing off his shoes and pulling the boy close to him under the covers. But as Xander started to grope him he said, "No touching! Stop it, Xan, why are you doing this?"
"Because I need you." The boy spoke in a small voice and wouldn't meet the vampire's eye.
"You have me."
"But," he looked up and all of Angel's fears and doubts were confirmed by the look in the boy's eyes. So complex were the golden brown sugar orbs. There was so much love, and fear, and self loathing, and hopelessness contained therein.
It all clicked in Angel's mind and he felt physically sick, "Christ, Xander, you aren't a toy! Is that what you think? That I won't want you around if you don't put out? That I wouldn't want you physically broken because I only like your physical presence?"
"No." The boy dropped his eye contact and was one strained and ticking muscle.
"Fuck! You're so wrong! How could you? How did I make you think? I love you, Xander. You aren't a good lay!"
"Thanks a fucking lot, Angel!" He made to move but Angel didn't even need to try to restrain him as the boy was still almost paralyzed with the toxin. It would be out of his system within the hour. The furthest he could get was about a foot between them.
"That's not what I meant!" Angel was scared that he wouldn't clarify himself within the hour and that the human would leave. "You are. You're amazing in fact. So tight, and perfect, and innocent. But it's you I love not your body. You aren't *just* a good lay is what I meant. I want you in this bed for the rest of eternity. Not as the body I'm fucking but as the man I love."
"Oh," said Xander softly without looking up.
"How could you even think?. . . What happened to you to make you think so little of yourself? Is it just Buffy or. . . who can I kill to make you realize you're worth it? You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong man. You're funny as hell. You're kind and powerful and you will do anything to protect anyone you give a damn about. You accept me for who I am, I feel comfortable and safe around you. The guilt I feel for simply existing sinks into the background when you smile. . ." He thought about his next words he didn't want to scare the boy, but the boy didn't scare easily, "Six months ago if I had lost my soul I would have destroyed this world, no question about it. For a hundred years I've locked my demon up tight and have not let him to control anything. Sometimes I feel him or hear him and he hates this existence. He's locked in his own body and not able to do anything. Sometimes I lay awake just longing for a bloodbath. To just not have the soul and all the guilt that goes with it, to be free: to be what I am. It's who I am no matter how much I hate it or am ashamed. If I lost my soul I would have gone mad and I would have destroyed this world to avenge myself of all these indignities. But you make me feel ok on every level, you make me feel clean even in being a vampire. I love you with everything I am. And if I lost my soul now I'd order some take in and cuddle up with you in front of the telly. . . I might sneak out afterwards to kill the slayer and find something to eat, but my first instinct would be to stay with you. Because I love you, you're what I choose. I love you. Ok?"
Xander nodded with a slight smile the adrenalin of the fight was dissipating. His Angel loved him, he was safe. He let the lethargy seep into him. "Can I just get some cuddles now? I promise I won't seduce you. 'M just. . ."
"Tactile?" offered Angel, "come here, little one." The boy felt so good against his side. He ran his fingers over Xander's abused body. The runchcoun demon's wound was just one of many marring his love's figure. In his mind he killed Xander's father a million different ways: he was positive it was the man's work.
"Hey 'm not lil. Same height!"
"Right you are, love." It was true they were the same size but Xander was so young, innocent, and frightened that he came off as much smaller than he was. Angel was planning on mending all of Xander's emotional insecurities, the boy *would* see who he was. "I shouldn't have started a fight with you. Poison is still pumping through your veins. You shouldn't have saved me. It couldn't have hurt me. The poison is like a mosquito's spit. They inject it to make the blood thinner and easy to drink, I don't have the right blood. Thank you for trying to save me Xander. No one's ever tried to save me. No one's ever felt I was worth saving before. To have a creature such as yourself put me first. . . I can't even explain. . . Whistler told me I would find redemption at the side of the slayer. I thought I was to fight by her, turns out that what he meant was that a brunette would be standing on her right with bangs in his eyes and clothes that undermined his beauty." Throughout Angel's soft words Xander had been finding the perfect spot to be completely comfortable. He was in that state wherein one's body is completely weightless yet at the same time so heavy and one is totally aware of their entire being.
"Angel?" asked the seraph when he was all wrapped up around his lover. The protectiveness of the position made Angel smile. The boy was his protector. How odd yet wholly correct.
"Um?" he came out of his own drowse to answer.
"I'm sorry about Drusilla, I know how hard it must have been for you." Angel's arms tightened reflexively around the boy's waist.
"Yeah," his voice was shaky, "ever since I got my soul. . ."
"Can I do anything? I mean, she's scary as hell, but maybe I could talk to her? Could I maybe try? Would that be ok? Tell me if I'm crossin' a line."
"That would be fine." Tears fell down Angel's face as he stroked the back of the human's head. "Go to sleep, dear boy. You're sick and need rest and so do I."
"Love you."
"And you too."