Chapter 9

Sam's POV

I was sitting in bed cross legged, my back against the headboard. I'd just finished talking to Rick. Thankfully Matt was okay and allowed home although Rick is going to have to take a couple of days off to look after him because he has some bruised ribs. For the first time since I'd heard about Matt's accident, I could relax. Or as much as I had been able to since Martin came back.

Martin

There was a name that brought a lot of thoughts and images to mind. My skin tingles at the thought of him. Being around him, so close to him, it's all I can do to not touch him. I've missed him so much. I wish it hadn't taken him leaving for me to realise my feelings for him.

I've spent so many nights, and days for that matter, since he left thinking about what could have been if he'd stayed. I would have left Jack in an instant for him. We could have been a family, if only he'd stayed that night…

That said I'm not sure it would have worked. I was still too closed off, unwilling to let anyone in. Work was my life, I didn't think anything was or could be more important. The thought f changing that way of thinking, especially for a man, scared me almost more than lying on the floor of that bookstore bleeding to death did!

As hard as the accident, miscarriage, waking up from the coma and my recovery has been on me, I think it may have been for the best. I finally managed to let go of my past, to accept that I am worth more as a person than just a pretty blonde girl for men to screw, that I didn't deserve to be treated the way Jack treated me.

Danny and Em were a huge part of that recovery and acceptance, Rick too after I met him as well as Lisa and Julia. Finally I told them about my childhood, about my father, about the abuse, about my marriage at 18 to piss my Mom off.

And afterwards I felt better, freer, like this huge weight had been lifted. And they didn't judge me, didn't pity me or treat me differently. I was surprised at the time but thinking about it, I don't know why. I know Danny had a rough upbringing and I know Em and Rick's weren't all smiles and roses too.

The first time I met Rick I hadn't really started sharing. Danny thought it might help if I went out with the team to catch up and to meet Rick so I didn't feel excluded. I didn't want to go; I didn't want to spend the night pretending everything was okay when it wasn't.

We were at a bar close to the FBI building, everyone was there (Jack was long gone by now) and all I wanted was to go home. I finally had enough and walked out. I was leaning against the wall of the bar and there was a trio of guys hanging around on the corner, about a 12feet away from me, smoking and laughing.

They walked towards me and stopped in front of me and on my left so that I was trapped without being surrounded. They were taunting me, threatening me, telling me what they'd like to do to me, to my body. I should have been scared, logic told me that but I was too tired to pay attention, to realize I was in danger.

They were stood a few inches away from me now. I turned my head away, eyes on the ground. Another pair of shoes entered my field of vision and I thought I was screwed.

But it was Rick. He walked straight up to me put his arm around my shoulders pulling me close, tightly like he would keep me well out the way if this got ugly. He lifted his shirt to reveal his gun sticking out of his waistband of his pants instead of being holstered. It gave the impression of him being a thug instead of a FBI agent. I'd seen Danny do the same thing a few times and in the right circumstances it worked better and was more threatening than identifying yourself as FBI.

Rick told the guys to back off as he pulled me away and walked to the end of the block and around the corner out of sight keeping a tight hold on me.

Once we were out of sight he relaxed his grip and stopped walking moving in front of me so that he was facing me his arm loosely around my shoulder still. He pulled out his cell phone as he said "Well that was a laugh. Why guys act tough and threatening when the slightest flash of a gun makes them wet themselves, I'll never understand"

No "Are you okay? Do you need or want anything?" Just the continued shield and reassurance he offered in the way he stood (with his arm around me still and keeping an eye out for the guys in case they decided to follow us after all) and a sarcastic comment about how guys are idiots! He was calling Danny to let him know I was okay and heading home.

I hailed a cab, Rick said goodbye and headed back towards the bar. I hesitated and then called out to him, asking him if he'd mind taking me home. Rick just smiled at me, didn't make a big deal out of it, just slid in to the cab beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders again. His arm was loose enough that I knew if I didn't want the contact, I could pull back and felt that he wouldn't take offence if I did.

But I didn't pull away from him. There was something about him that was completely undemanding, that you could take all the time in the world to except him if you were the right kind of person. That he would take all the shit in the world from you if he knew it was just because you were unhappy about something and would still be there for you in an instant. I realized, sat in the back of that cab with him, that he was treating me like Danny would, like a brother would. He had no expectations of me, he didn't want thanks, he didn't want sex (of course at this point I didn't know he was gay), he just wanted acceptance and didn't mind waiting for it.

Although it took me a little longer to open up to Rick than Danny, I did. His brotherly love for me isn't as strong as Danny's I don't think but it's getting there.

Once I'd met Rick and opened up more to the rest of the team, I began to go out again. And to my surprise I had a good time. We would, and still do, go out for drinks, dinner, to see a movie or sometimes to a club and sometimes a mixture depending on our moods and who's going. We also spend nights in taking it in turns to chose the food and movie.

We spend the time together laughing, joking and sometimes making complete fools of ourselves, usually at Danny, Rick and Matt's insistence. But I don't mind it anymore. It's a laugh, a great way to blow off steam and relax.

I like the me I am now. I think I'm more myself now then I've ever been, I'm not afraid to share my feelings, thoughts and show my emotions.

But now he's back. Now he's the one I want and need to let in. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm close to putting those walls back up because of him.

I don't want to but I don't know if I can survive him hurting me again. I know now what my feelings were, and still are, for him. I have to tell him. But he belongs to someone else now. I'm scared and he belongs to another. I shouldn't tell him. I have no right to feel this way about him. But I have to. I have to tell him, somehow I have to tell him. I need to explain. I have to tell him that I've felt this way about him since we started going out. And now I will tell him. One of the few things I'm sure about is my feelings for him.

I love Martin.