Part: (26?)

Writer: Azure K Mello

Summery: Spike casts a spell on Angel to make him lose his soul. Things don't go as planned and instead Angel just opens up about his feelings towards Xander.

This chapter: Will Xander go completely mad?

Feedback: is adored slash

Over the course of an hour, Xander slowly slid into Angel's lap. Eventually the vampire just lifted his lover and set him down more firmly, "Better?" he asked.

"Spike," said Xander with his eyes still shut, "you need to stop having sex in this car. She doesn't like it."

"Drusilla's never said anything about it."

"Well she doesn't like the car, she wants to punish her. She thinks she's too fast, a horse and trap would do." He hid his face in Angel's neck, just breathing, "Horses die and they taste like badgers."

"Right, you should try to get some sleep, baby." Angel stroked the boy's hair.

"You only called me baby once, when you thought you'd hurt me. I'm not hurt, Angel. Everything hurts."

"It'll get better, we're going to fix this," Angel assured him. A purr came from deep inside him and Xander instantly fell asleep.

"How are you going to fix it?" asked Spike softly, not wanting to wake Xander.

"Maybe Dru will be able to help," said Angel, not really having an answer.

"Yeah, maybe you can shove it back inside her." Spike spoke with terse anger.

"Childe," warned Angel.

"Shouldn't she get a chance to be sane for a while? She'd had to deal with it since before you met her! Doesn't she get a chance, she's supposed to be your princess."

"Spike," said Angel almost seething, "I'm not going to force her to do anything, not even going to coerce her. I'm just going to ask her to help him. I don't think we 'shove it back inside her'. I don't think we can fix this at all, but I think she can help him ease into it, accept it." Xander moaned in his sleep, unsettled by Angel's angry vibes; the vampire stroked his hair and resumed purring. Softly he said, "I'm not Angelus. Xander's my mate but I'm not going to torture my childer for him."

"Sorry," said Spike keeping his eyes on the road.

"I've given you cause to think so poorly of me. But I'm not that cruel anymore. I'm making a concerted effort to not be him, to not make those mistakes again. I don't want to harm either of you. In the past I was unspeakably brutal with her, I can't make amends for what I did to her, but I'm not going to injure her anymore."

"Before, we spoke about the soul. You said that having a soul didn't make you not want to do things, it just made you feel guilty about wanting to do them. So what is it? Do you want to hurt her but feel guilty for it or do you not want to hurt her?"

Unable to answer Angel just said, "I have no desire to break either of you."

"That doesn't answer the question," said Spike still looking at the road in front of them.

"Because I don't know the answer," Angel said honestly, "But if I lost the soul I would not hurt you, if only because Xander would hate me. I think he would be fine with me feeding but if I hurt you two he wouldn't forgive me. He wouldn't like me hurting family, his childer. I don't know if that's enough of an answer."

Spike, finally looked over at Angel and asked, "Why won't he open his eyes?"

"It all scares him."

"But he can look at you?" Spike's tone was incredulous.

"Apparently I don't look any different."

"He hasn't looked at me. Is he afraid?"

"Probably, you're a monster," Angel laughed.

Reaching over Spike pinched the boy's thigh. Eyes instantly open and trained on Spike, Xander said, "Ow."

"What do I look like, pet?"

Xander sounded put out, "Like Spike only darker."

"Darker how?"

"More annoying or viscous, I don't know, just darker. Like water and ink."

"Can you look at me? Does it hurt to look at me?" Spike sounded infinitely patience as the human nodded. "Does it frighten you?" Xander shook his head. "Because when we go into Wolfram and Hart you're going to have to keep your eyes open. They won't take us seriously if we have a human who refuses to open his eyes with us. So can you watch Angel and me? Hell, maybe you're eyes will freak them out, that'll work in our advantage."

"My eyes?" asked Xander. He looked into his reflection in the window and said, "Hyena's back."

"Hyena?" asked Angel.

"Got possessed by a hyena, ate a live pig, killed the principle. My eyes were all green and glowy. Can I shut them now?" He dropped his head back onto Angel's shoulder.

"No, we're here," said Spike as they pulled into a parking lot. "Remember to breathe and it should be fine."

Inside a woman at the front desk looked up as they entered the building. "Can I help you?" she asked politely.

"Would you page Holland Manners and tell him Spike is here?" asked Spike with a smile that could melt a mother's heart.

"He's in a meeting but I'll call him now if it's important." She stated the sentence as a question.

"It's sort of an emergency," Spike sounded bashful as though he was sorry to impose.

The man came down almost immediately, not wanting to make the master vampire angry. He was relieved he had responded so quickly when Spike introduced him to the others by saying, "This is my sire, Angelus (you must have heard of him), and his mate Xander Harris."

He didn't like to meet the human's gaze when he replied, "It's a pleasure. Is there a reason for this honor?"

"Y'know that debt? I want to collect," Spike spoke calmly and enjoyed the look of fear that passed over the lawyer's face. "Drusilla was killed. You can get her back."

"The scroll is in the vaults but there are preparations that need to be made."

"How long will it take?" asked Angel.

"Perhaps as much as two days."

"Fine," said Spike, "we also need some place to stay. Can you arrange that?" he had no intention of paying for any of this visit.

"Yes, of course," said the lawyer, "just let me-"

"Do you have a clean space?" asked Xander as Drusilla's voice urged him to do so. He was holding Angel's hand so tightly the vampire would have lost feeling in his fingers if he'd had a pulse.

Finally understanding the boy's eyes Manners said, "The master suite in the Durick, I'll make the call myself." He was glad to have a reason to hurry away.

"What's a clean space?" asked Angel but Xander only shrugged.

Spike sighed and said, "It's a place filled with 'happy vibes' meant to protect the minds of white hat psychics. Dru likes to desecrate them with orgies of murder. I guess it would be best for you."

"Do you know where that hotel is?" asked Xander anxiously. "He's sure to get the reservation. Can we just leave? This place is screaming."

"Sure," Spike agreed.

Spike sped to get to the hotel and Angel growled, "Would you slow down?"

"Yer boy's mighty pale, I'm just trying to get him someplace 'clean'."

"Yeah, well it won't matter if we have a crash."

Spike sounded put upon as he said, "Well, we're here now."

The concierge looked at Spike's beaten up leather coat and Xander's ugly green button down and asked, "May I help you?"

"Holland Manners just called in a reservation for us. Donno the name he put it under: Spike, Angelus, Xander Harris?"

"Harris, here it is," said the man steadily becoming warmer to the group. The fact that it was under Xander's name made Spike laugh, he knew the eyes would work to their advantage. "David," he called a man in a bellboy uniform over, "would you please take these gentlemen up to the master suite?"

David led the way, carrying their small amount of luggage. They followed him into the elevator where Xander pressed himself against the wall and was careful to keep his eyes on the floor. "Here we are," he said as they reached the top floor. He slid a key into the control panel which opened the door. He handed the key to Angel and said, "You'll need this to get in. Let me give you the tour." They stepped out and he said, "The two bedrooms are through there, the kitchen is fully stocked with organic food, there's no alcohol, caffeine, or other negative drugs. While all our rooms are nonsmoking we ask that our guests make themselves comfortable. Don't worry about desecrating the space, it gets cleansed between visits."

"Lovely big windows," Spike said sarcastically taking in the domed skylight that made up most of the ceiling.

"Natural light, very positive." David said but, at the look on Spike's face, added, "The glass is necrotempered. This is a safe space. If you need anything just call the front desk."

"Where's the telly?" asked Spike.

"No television, they are sources of negative energy. I can bring one up-"

"No," Angel interrupted, "that won't be necessary, David, thank you." Angel palmed him a tip and hurried the boy out. "The evil lawyers go to the trouble of finding us a clean place and you want to sully it for TV?"

"I was just asking," said Spike sullenly.

Xander looked around the room. All the furniture was eclectic, mismatched, some of it was ancient. It didn't look like the master suite of such a swanky hotel but it felt like one. Every piece had been specifically chosen to create the feeling of well being; Angel and Spike's fight was hurting the balance.

"Why don't you just shut up?" asked Angel. "You're probably hurting the space just by being here."

"Ya big ponce!"

"What did you call me? How many times do I have to tell you: watch your mouth!"

"Stop it." Xander's voice was so soft and tired that both vampires turned to him. He had pushed himself up onto a counter of a bar. A young couple in love had lost their virginity to each other on the bar. They'd later wed, had children, and died of old age in their sleep in each other's arms. "You've been fighting since we got up this evening. Even when I was asleep you two were tearing each other apart. Stop it. Spike, you're the one who wanted Angel to lose his soul so stop berating him for his action's as Angelus. Angel, you wanted your family back so why don't you stop trying to take Spike down a peg. You're not even angry at each other. You're scared. Drusilla's dead and our only hope is a really questionable law firm. And you didn't even get to enjoy killing Buffy because I went crazy and cut you short. I'm sorry. I know you need release. So there's a few options. You can act like vampires and have sex until your both chafed and calm. I promise I won't be upset. I don't mind. I want you both to be okay. Or you can act human and either cry and talk or punch each other until you can't stand." Angel came forward to hug him and Xander asked, "Are you doing this for me or you?"

"You?" Angel hazarded.

"Then can you please stop touching me? You're so tense and it's really freaking me out. Spike," he said, "I can still hear you. Thinking awful things is really no different than saying them." Spike looked away. "I'm not doing this for attention, I'm sorry, I just need you to both shut up. I'm going mad here. My insides are bleeding."

Thinking of the way Xander had said he wasn't doing it for attention, Angel wondered how many times he'd been accused of doing so in the past. He wondered if his lover had been accused of seeking attention when he'd vomited blood after a beating, or cried during a fight. He felt guilty for adding to the boy's pain. Xander looked at him and said, "Yeah, you're right, growing up there sucked. So can we please stop adding strain? Don't feel guilty just. . . would you please do me a favour?" Angel nodded. "Find a vending machine and get me a soda with sugar and caffeine? There aren't any in the 'crunchy granola safe' kitchen." Angel nodded and turned to leave and Xander said, "Spike, why don't you go with him? Neither of you have fed and it's making things fractious. Find something to eat and come back calm. Please? I'm gonna take a nap."