Chapter 25

When they hit the street Sam shivered. It had gotten a lot cooler while they had been inside and she didn't have a jacket. Martin noticed and took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Thanks" Sam said slightly breathless, finding it a bit hard to concentrate with him so close. He let his hands linger a little longer then they should have on her shoulders enjoying their close proximity.

"No problem" He breathed voice lower than usual. With their closeness all he wanted to do was kiss her, take away the pain she had shown him. To make her forget. But he pulled his hands away and started off down the street, Sam falling in to step beside him. "There's a little park about a block away. Why don't go there to talk?" He suggested. Sam nodded her agreement and they walked in relative comfort. Martin had a hundred questions running through his head. He wanted to know more about her marriage and about her feelings on them. But he didn't want to push. He had found out more about her in the last hour than the 4 and a half years he had known her before he left. He didn't want to make her close up and shut him out again by asking. He knew that she had to do it in her own time.

Sam was thinking about how to tell him everything else she wanted to say. Like when she had told Danny all about her past, she found it easier to keep going once she had started. But it was still hard for her. She had put it all behind her but it was still painful for her to talk about it. She did want to share with Martin, more than she had even with Danny and he had been there all through her breakdown and depression. He had taken all the crap she had given him without a word and still he helped her. But he wasn't Martin. And it was Martin that Sam wanted to know everything. But the longer they stayed in silence the more she lost her nerve.

"You're stronger than you think, than you give yourself credit for. Look at everything you have been through. And your still here. You haven't given up completely yet. You love him, you want him to know right? So tell him. You told me. And I'm harder to talk to than he is. If you can't believe in yourself then trust me. I haven't lied to you yet have I? Not about the important stuff. For now just get out there and have a good time. Tell him if you want to, if your not ready then don't, but don't back out because you're not sure if you're ready to tell him. Just talk about other stuff. He'll wait. He'll wait until you're ready. 'Til then, have a good time. Have fun. You'll be fine. I'm serious when I say you're one of the strongest people I know. Sam look at me. I'm proud of you. Really proud. It takes real courage to go through what you have in the past few years and come out a much better and happier person. You are stronger than me. I couldn't have done it. I'm proud of you. You should be proud of yourself to. Really proud. Just remember. If you can't believe in yourself. Believe in what I'm telling you."

Danny's words from earlier came back to Sam and they made her feel a little better, a little stronger. She looked up and realised they were at the park Martin mentioned. There was a bench a few feet ahead of them and they headed for it and sat down. They sat close together but not touching, like the walk there. Martin looked at her and was slightly surprised to see her looking so calm. He had wondered if in her silence she had changed her mind about continuing from earlier. She smiled softly at him.

"I had been dating this guy for about 6 weeks or so. We both wanted out of our families and to have our own place and thought it would be the easiest way to get that. So we got married. The first two weeks were great. We got this tiny place and we were really happy to be out of our parents places, to be able to do anything and everything we wanted. But then I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but when I told my mom she said that it served me right, that I would end up like her. That, more than anything else I think, made me keep the baby and determined to not end up like her regardless of what she said. When I told Simon, my husband, he was furious; he wanted me to get rid of it as soon as I could. But I didn't want to. That was pretty much the end of us. We stayed together for about 4 and a half months after that. Mostly while the divorce was finalised but we still lived together.

"When I was nearly six months pregnant I woke up and knew something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on what but I just didn't feel at all right. I knew there was something wrong with my baby and I went to the hospital. It turned out that the umbilical cord had ended up in a knot around the baby's neck cutting off the oxygen supply. They had to educe me and make me go through the labour because it was the safest thing for me. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do."

Sam was in tears again. Martin had laid his hand on her thigh and was gently rubbing it but he hadn't moved closer. He was deliberately giving her the space to talk about it. He knew how hard it was to lose a child as well but to get as far as she had and then lose it seemed crueller some how. But all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and take away the pain. To tell her she didn't have to talk about it. But he knew on some level that she needed to, that she needed the space to do so, so he stayed quiet and let her talk.

"After loosing the baby I spent even more time working. I stopped talking to my sister and to my mom. I saved enough up to get me to New York and to get through college. I was determined to make something of myself and not become like my mom. We talked occasionally, like once a year, but that was it. I made it through college and on to the force and eventually the FBI. I never had help from anyone. I didn't want it. Any guy I let get remotely close hurt me so I stopped letting them. I was the one who used them. Never stayed long enough for them to mean anything real to me.

"I thought I was ok. I had work and that was all that mattered. Then Jack happened. We spent so much time together, we got close. We ended up sleeping together. He meant a lot to me. I thought I was falling in love with him. He made me feel special, like nothing else in the world mattered. But then it seemed like Maria found out and that was that. He dropped me like I was nothing. Then when it suited him he tried it on again. And usually got his way. I hated that he could do that to me but he did. It took me over a year to get over him. Then I started to notice you." Sam had stopped crying and for the first time since she started talking she looked at him squarely. She studied his face. The slightly guarded look he wore. Like he wasn't sure she would like what his face showed as she spoke about her and Jack. She didn't blame him.

"You were sweet, funny and kind. You were everything he wasn't. You were the kind of guy I always secretly dreamed of being with but always thought I didn't deserve. Eventually I caved and let myself be with you. And it felt good. Really, really good. Better than anything I'd ever had before but I didn't think I deserved you, I thought work was more important. So that's what I went with. I fell for you harder then I had fallen for anyone before. I fell in love with you and that scared me. Really scared me. So I did what I always did. I pushed you away and focused on work. By the time I realised that I was destroying the best thing that ever happened to me it was too late. You ended it.

"I don't blame you. I think you did the right thing. I was terrible to you. I should have opened up to you then. I wanted to. I really did but I was still too scared. We ended up being friends again and I learnt to live with that. I thought that I deserved it so I put up with it. Then after your addiction I figured anything more would be a bad idea so I still left it.

"Then Jack started to come on to me again. I had just found out you had a new girlfriend and I wanted the comfort so I gave in to him. Then you and I started falling out and I hated it but again I put up with it. His girls were staying with him when everything went crazy again. That's why we weren't sleeping together and how I know it was your baby I lost." Sam took a deep breath and tried not to start crying again. "When you left I couldn't think of being with Jack again. Which is when he came in drunk and ended up fired. Then the accident and everything. But what you don't know about that can wait.

"The point I'm trying to make, in a very long winded way, is that I want to let you in. But I have never been in a committed relationship. I don't know if I can be what you want me to be. I don't know if I can do this whole give and take thing with you. I want this to work so badly. But I can't risk screwing it up again. I would rather just stay friends. I can't lose you completely again." She finished looking at the ground again.

Martin slid closer to her so that they were lightly touching. He took one of her hands in his and used her other hand to tilt her chin up so she was looking at him. "I can't not try this again. Sam I'm proud of you. I know it has taken you more than I can understand to share all of that with me. I am honoured that you can trust me with that after what I did to you. I know you have changed a lot since I left but I hadn't fully realised how much till now. You have a great relationship with Danny now and you're closer to Elena and Viv now to. And you seem pretty close to Rick as well. I think it takes as much effort to make a friendship work as a romantic relationship sometimes. There always just seems to be more pressure with a relationship. But not this time.

"We can take it slow. At your pace. No pressure. I want to get to really know the new Sam, as a friend as well as more, because I think she's a pretty amazing person." Martin gave her a smile that showed his dimples and made his eyes sparkle. Sam felt like that look could melt her. Not much had changed feelings wise between the two. That was clear. "We can start by doing fun stuff. Nothing with pressure. Like friend stuff. Like go out and do stuff or have take out a a film or something. We can do that kinda stuff with the others as well if you want, so you don't feel pressured. I don't care how long it takes or what I have to do Sam. I want you. Plain and simple. Like I said you have a close relationship with Danny and the rest now, way closer than you used to. And that's pretty much what I want. So you do know how to handle it. And if there's a problem we can fix it together. Because that's what couples do. Its what friends do. I know that we can do this together. If it's what you want of course." He finished.

"It is" Sam said still looking in to his eyes. "I like your plan of taking things slow. Maybe you're right. Maybe together we can make this work." She looked down briefly, suddenly shy. "I want to try"

She looked at him again and he gave her another full smile to which she couldn't help but return. Things seemed to be beginning to look up for both of them.