Disclaimer: I HEART KUROFAI AND I OWN TSUBASA:Wakes up from dream: Oo….NOOOOOOOOOOO!
WOODEN FEEEENCE!
Whaddup, gangstas?
Um…welcome to the sixth installment of NAKFOC. It means a lot, dear reader, that you've stayed with me so long. I know it may seem like I do this for your enjoyment as much as mine, but you are what inspires me to keep going, to push forward and think of new ideas…but OH! Ohohohohohohohoh! Go to and search under members for "HalfLight333." And you'll find all these GREAT Tsubasa Chronicle AMVs, clips, and a really funny Pinky and the Brain voiceover for Kurogane and Fai! My GOD, it is THE FUNNIEST THING! I almost fell out of the seat laughing.
Now…hmm. Commentary about last chapter…unm, I really hate this chapter. I should be shot in the head for writing it, really. I got a complaint that it kept changing viewpoints…but I think that just depends on how you read it…or not. I think I've learned not to use that style of writing anymore. Blech. Straightfoward for me from now on!
Now, this sixth installment…:snort:. I wanted to do something funny, and me and my friends were telling dumb blond jokes in the car on the way to my best friend's birthday party. And the idea to rewrite these jokes ala TRC style hit me like a ton of bricks. So most of these are just retellings of such jokes or are based on them.
So with that, on we go!
Not Another KuroFai Oneshot Section!
By Invader HalfLight (My TAL-------LESTS!)
Movement the Sixth: But I'm YOUR Dumb Blonde
Kurogane was well aware that Fai had locked himself out of the room, and he was not about to make any motion to unlock the door to let his lover in so long as the damn mage was yelling twenty-six different mutilations of his name as the top of his lungs.
"What is it?" he mumbled barely audibly, rolling towards the door and almost, in effect, rolling himself off the bed. Damn exhaustion.
"KUUUUUROOOOOO-NYAAAAA! It's horrible! I CAN'TS SOLVE DA PUZZLE!" Fai was yelling, and the shrill sound of his voice was giving Kurogane a nice, big-puppy-sized headache. Damn. If he didn't do something…shit, that wouldn't be good.
"All right, all right. What's the puzzle?"
"W-w-w-weeellllll….it's asposed to look like a tiger BUT IT DOESN'T KUROPON WHAAAAAAAAA I'S GONNA—"
"NO!—God. Please, don't cry. Just give me an opportunity to clean up an'…I'll be down in a minute.
"IT CAN'T WAAAAAIT!"
"Deal." Releasing his death-grip on the bed, Kurogane fell rather ungracefully on his face with a dull thudding sound. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He couldn't move yet. Goddammit. Damn the mage and his neediness.
Who know what he needed this time, what he had done. While he waited for his muscles to respond, one such incident rose unbidden to his vision and oh god NO
:Flashback:
"F-Fai-san…a-are you quite sure this will—"
"Of COURSE, Syaoran-kun!"
Kurogane had found it wisest to say nothing. Nothing at all could be said for Fai's apparently new hairstyle—a fierce fire-engine red to disguise himself. Apparently this village discriminated against yellow-haired mages. He hadn't asked why.
Unfortunately, Mokona had fallen asleep as soon as they had fallen into this world and would not wake up, damn pork bun; there was nothing else to do except assume there was a feather here. Which then left the impossible task of trying to locate it until Mokona awoke.
Fai had insisted the puppies recruit one of their kin to sniff out the feather, "since Kuro-wanwan is so unhousebroken and has a bad nose."
That had earned the fucker thirty minutes of running away from Kurogane, commenting placidly how dangerous it was to swing swords around like that. And then he had managed to get Kurogane to…swing his…erm…other sword around for a good half-hour.
He hated Fai sooo very much.
Kurogane blinked, jerked from his thoughts as the mage left the comfortable circle of Kuro-tan's arms and approached one of the friendlier-looking farmers. "Pardon me, Mr. Farmer-san, but may we borrow one of your dogs?"
"Why sure! Help yerself!"
Fai sent a smile over his shoulder as if to say "I told you guys so" before flouncing across the yard to pick up an animal.
THAT'S when things went wrong.
"Say…if I can guess what color your hair was BEFORE you dyed it, can I have my goat back?"
:End Flashback:
His muscles started moving, finally, and thank god. Banishing the thoughts of what happened AFTER that, Kurogane tugged a towel out from the rack he and Fai shared, stepped into the bathroom, and threw the towel across the toilet lid as he turned the knobs this way and that, trying to get just the right mix of hot and cold—as he did so, his eyes came to rest upon a scar.
Hey, I remember that. Wasn't that when
"OOOOOHH, Kuro!"
"Ya? Ya want more?"
"DON'T STOP!"
No! No, wrong time! He was thinking of BEFORE that when
:Flashback:
"Well this sucks."
"Kuro-tan is always so NEGATIVE!"
Kurogane didn't exactly see the brightness of the situation as the four were lined up against a wall with mean-looking people pointing big, shiny guns at their heads. Again, it was Fai's subtlety that got them into this situation—Kurogane hoped dearly that he had learned to never, EVER give the sleeping captain of the guard a makeover and a pretty blond perm in his sleep "To make him more prettyful when he wakes up!"
No doubt everyone was questioning Fai's sanity at the moment.
The stony-faced soldiers pulled Syaoran forward first, and the ninja was surprised that Sakura wasn't wailing her eyes out, knowing how she felt towards the brat. But then again, he had seen the two whispering.
The soldier knelt, holding the rifle to his shoulder. "Ready…aim…."
"WHIRLWIND!"
…Well THAT had been unexpected.
With a collective yell, the group had thrown themselves down on the ground, giving Syaoran ample time to kick the door in on its hinges. With a quick nod to Sakura he darted out into the hall and disappeared with a quick right.
It was right then that Kurogane concluded the soldiers were nothing short of cowardly dumbasses. Not only had they ducked at the first sign of "danger," their commander waved the escapee off with a dismissive wave of the hand, claiming they would "catch him later."
Judging by Syaoran's single-mindedness-prone attitude, the ninja doubted that was HIGHLY unlikely.
"Fai, I got it."
"Got what?"
"What Syaoran wants us to do."
"What does he want us to do?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"If it was, I didn't see it. I hid from the whirlwind, 'cause I was afraid."
"……."
Next, apparently, was Sakura. She was a bit white, but her face was serious as she held Mokona on her shoulder, the look in her eyes resolute as the rifles were aimed at her.
"Reaaaadyyyyy…aiiiiiiimmmm…."
"FLOOD!"
Ah, right on cue. Out went Sakura, and down went the soldiers—and Kurogane, apparently, as Fai had chosen this as the perfect time to tackle the warrior to the ground and wail right in his ear.
"WAAAAH! SAVE ME FROM THE FLOOD, KURO-WANKO!"
"I'M NOT YOUR DAMN PUPPY!"
Well, it was about thirty seconds later, when they were lined up and looking into the double eyes of mean Mr. Rifle that Fai seemed to get it.
"OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Don't worry, Kuro-sama, I know what to do!"
NOW Kurogane was afraid.
"F-Fai, NO—"
"Reaaaaaaaaaddyyyyyyyy…aaaaiiiiiiiiiimmmm…."
"FIIIIIIIIRE!"
:End Flashback:
Oh, that had just been a BARREL of fun, dodging bullets while trying to carry the mage on his shoulder like a sack of flour. They had all gotten out unscathed. The scar…well, that he had gotten from when Fai scratched him during sex later that night.
Well, it had been one of the best screws ever, so…he could forgive Fai for that.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, his ears registered the blubbering of a waif, and Kurogane decided he could dry himself off later. Better to go out in a bathrobe than to have to listen to another forty honorifics designed to strip him of his dignity.
"KUUUUUROOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Hnnnnn…this had better be good," he said, pushing the door open (and noting with satisfaction Fai had on nothing but a set of Kurogane's boxers—with little dogs drawn on them with crayon) and helping Fai up.
"KUUURO-DOOON! ISH SO HORRIBLE—" And so Kurogane had to hold the blonde in his hands as he sobbed into his chest, and his heart softened a little, allowing his hand to travel to the sensetive small of Fai's back. Maybe he was being too harsh, like always. Fai could be useful…well, there was that time when
:Flashback:
"May I see your license, please?"
Normally Kurogane thought somewhat respectfully and honorably of Syaoran's decision-making abilities and of the consequences, good or bad, that followed.
This wasn't good or bad, this was fucking CATASTROPHIC.
Of all the decisions Syaoran had made, letting Fai drive the hovercar had probably been the worst.
And so now the four were staring into the face of a blonde-haired, green-eyed police girl who introduced herself as Fuu. And she was now awaiting something, a "lai-sense" that Kurogane was POSITIVE they did not have.
They were screwed.
"Pardon me, ma'am?" Oh, great, just fucking great. Now he was letting Fai do the talking. If they weren't behind bars within the hour, Kurogane had bet Fai on every single new world they landed on, he would eat a double scoop chocolate ice-cream cone with jimmies, M&Ms and lots of SnoCaps. Thankfully he had won every one so far.
He was jerked from his thoughts by the police girl helpfully explaining that "a license is a card with your face on it. It tells people like me that you have authorization to drive that."
Fai's face brightened, which was never a good sign. "Oh! Okay, hang on a sec!" With that he began rummaging through the hovercar, muttering and mumbling to himself, politely motioning to people to move so he could look on their seats (though the ninja had the sneaking-suspicion Fai just wanted to grope his butt).
"HERE WE GO!" Fai chirped, and pulled from his pocket…
…A mirror.
If Kurogane's brain was numbed by THIS piece of stupidity, he was practically hemorrhaging when he handed the "license" to Fuu. Oh god they were so screwed how on earth was she going to—
A small contortion of the mouth, a little gasp.
"I'm so sorry, sir! I had no idea that you were a cop!"
And with a smile she handed back Fai's mirror, saluted, and rode away.
Kurogane was speechless as Fai turned and smiled his dangerous smile.
"Hungry for ice-cream, anyone?…my treat."
:End Flashback:
Kurogane shuddered as he remembered the snowstorms. God, if only Fai had had the common sense to leave the hovercar in the garage….
"It's in the dining room—NO! KURO-CHI DON'T MAKE ME GO IN THERE I DON'T WANNA GO IN THERE PLEASE—"
"GAHH! FINE! Leggo of my waist…I'll take a look at it…."
Dusting Fai off easily, Kurogane pushed the door to the dining room open and
It was several minutes and many loud curses later before Kurogane came out, and Fai thought he looked a little more tired than he usually did. He wondered why—Kuro-chi was so big and smart, HE should have been able to figure it out!
All Kurogane did was look at Fai out of tired eyes. Then at the dining room door. Then at Fai again. And then he put his temples in his hands and rubbed hard, looking close to crying. OH NO! The puzzle had been mean to him! Fai had to help his Kuro-koi!
His tactile way of doing such was tacking his ninja and pulling him on top of him, then ruthlessly attacking the sensetive spot on his neck he knew Kurogane liked. "I like…you…for you…and not because…that puzzle…is mean," Fai breathed airily as Kurogane gasped and writhed and finally pinned Fai to the ground and crushed their mouths together.
Fai smiled to himself. His big, strong, Kuro-ko…defeated by the evil puzzle. What would the warrior ever do without him?
Kurogane thought about shakjng Fai rudely awake, as Fai had to him, but he contented himself with covering the mage with his robe and stroking the sleeping mage with the back of his hand, brushing stray hairs gently back into place.
He could wait until Fai woke up. Then they'd relax, have a cup of coffee, and go search for the feather with the kids and the pork loaf.
Maybe later that day he could help Fai put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.
…..Um. :sweatdrop:
I…don't know how funny this is. I really did intend it to be funny, but…buuhh. I'm sorry if this is confusing, but this was the only way I could extend the joke and make the story longer so you guys could be satisfied. Le sigh, the things I do for my fans…
RIIBYUUU wo kudasai! That's Japanese for Review, please!
JAAAAA!