Author's Note: I just thought this would be rather interesting, after my five-hour nap on a gloomy Sunday.
Disclaimer: Romeo and Juliet belong to Shakespeare, who is dead, and Soul Calibur belongs to Namco and a bunch of Japanese people.
Act One
The families Montague and Capulet were always having beef with each other since the dawn of man. "You stole my chariot!" or "I invented the printing press first!" or "Damn you Capulet! Musical Chairs is my area of expertise!" and even "You're straight! Straight men can't join a gay men's chorus!"
Oh, how they quarreled.
In the Capulet family, there was a hot virgin daughter by the name of Mina. She spent her days getting her nails done and her underarms waxed at the salon. Yet she was all beauty, no brains. She couldn't really tell her ulna from her anus.
Her father, Mitsurugi, was a dirty old man who cheated on his lovely, saline-filled wife, Taki, with a manservant, making him wear a ball gag, an athletic cup, and covering his eyes with some fancy contraption that had a funny name that he bought at IKEA. The manservant's name was Voldo.
Mitsurugi was one day approached by a large, hulking, savage man named Rock asking for Mina's dainty little hand in marriage. Considering the fact that Rock was wearing nothing but skins and he was outgrowing his loincloth, Mitsurugi began to walk away hurriedly and responded, "I'll think about it."
Meanwhile, the narcissistic Montague son, Siegfried, was under intense pressure.
"Tweezers." He stated, and held out his hand, still looking at himself in the handheld mirror.
The manservant took the eyebrow brush from his hand and replaced it with tweezers.
Siegfried glared at the subject hair and grasped it firmly, and pulled. Satisfied, he looked at himself once again, threw his hair back, and smiled.
"Ah. Better. Same time on Wednesday, Harry." Siegfried said as he stood up out of his chair to pour himself some whiskey.
Harry hesitated. "Sir, my name is not Harry."
"And I listen to Boy George and fantasize about Flava Flav and his clocks. Off with you now. Shoo." Siegfried replied, waving his hand as he looked out the window to see the foreign transgender gardener bend over to pick up his/her spade.
Harry, whose real name was Ivan Jorge Mike Percy Oswald Hwang Ivanovitch III, sighed and left the room with the equipment.
After a while, Siegfried grew tired of the wo/man planting daffodils, drained his whiskey and sat down at his desk. He opened a drawer, took out everything that was inside, (including handcuffs, a couple of batteries, a stun gun, a picture of Karl Marx, a tiny vial that contained the excrement of an ABBA member, a tube of lipstick, his iPod, and a plastic fork) and pulled out his recent issue of Playdude that he wasn't able to finish.
Flipping through the pages, he saw a picture of Mina, the hot pit-waxing daughter of the Capulets. He stared, long and hard, feeling himself getting aroused by her smooth underarms, pretty nails, and the fact that she was a virgin. Oh, how he fell madly in love with her right then and there.
Back to the Capulets.
"Daddy, I don't want to marry some ugly, hulking, savage-like man that approached you at Bloomingdales and wore a loincloth! I'm going to die a virgin!"
"Sweetheart, please? I'll buy you a yacht."
"I already have one."
"A guy with an owl for a head?"
"I already have a lizard the size of a man."
"Okay, young lady, I want to you to think long and hard about this. Be mature and listen to your father."
"A father that sleeps with a manservant that wears a ball-gag and a gilt cup?"
"Don't tell your mother."
"She told me."
"Oh. Fine. If you don't agree to marry him, I'm going to take away your pony."
"Go ahead. I never liked it anyways!" Mina shouted at her father's retreating form. The truth was, Mina loved her pony, and was devastated.
Later, the Capulets threw a big masquerade hoedown and Juliet was sitting miserably in the corner with a Yoshimitsu mask on.
Siegfried knew about this party, and snuck in, wearing a leather S&M mask to avoid detection. He searched for Mina, and found her, perfect underarms and all, sitting morosely on a stool in the corner of the room while everyone got their hoedowning on.
He slyly walked to her until he was on her right, and spoke without looking at her.
"Did it hurt?"
Puzzled, Mina replied, "What?"
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
The initial reaction was to dump her drink on this strange man who used a corny pick-up line on her, but when she got a glimpse of his eyebrows, she instantly swooned, being shot by cupid's semi-automatic.
Words were exchanged, and Mina fell in love with this man, the first man she saw that had prettier and neater eyebrows than her. Siegfried couldn't take his eyes off her hairless axillary area.
Act Two
Agreeing to meet up after the hoedown, Juliet hurried to her room and told everything to her nurse, the attention-seeking Xianghua.
"Like, oh my god! He's a Montague? Ooh, how daring!"
Slightly irked by the fact that after thirteen years, she hadn't gotten over Xianghua's annoying, high-pitched nasal voice, she changed out of her overalls and into her nightgown. Xianghua went into monologue as Mina stepped out to the balcony, shutting the doors behind her, leaving the whiny nurse to herself.
Leaning on the railing, she looked for Siegfried below her, but saw nothing but tree branches and someone's stuck kite. Taking a chance on the quiet evening, she called out, "Siegfried, oh Siegfried, where you at?"
She heard a click of a lighter and saw the fleeting orange flame light a cigarette. "I'm right here." He replied, making smoke rings in her direction.
Mina let down her hair and he grabbed hold of it. Since Siegfried lacked the ability to climb, Mina had to painfully hoist him up six stories. When he was able to put his knee down on the balcony, he let go of Mina's hair and stood up.
They kissed passionately, Siegfried caressing her underarms with the back of his finger and Mina smoothing his eyebrows with her thumb.
After getting tired of exchanging saliva, Siegfried had a marvelous idea.
"Why don't we get married?"
Upon telling the plan to Xianghua, the three set out to the hut of Zasalamel, a holy man who watched Martha Stewart on his free time. Giving him Mina's necklace as payment, the two were married that night, and agreed to keep it a secret so their families won't go ballistic.
Well, more than they usually do.
Act Three
We find Raphael, who is "Mercutio" in this story, in a fight with Kilik, who is "Tybalt". Raphael brandished his rapier rather girlishly, his hips swaying, and making sure his hair stayed gelled back. Kilik growled aggressively and ran at the man, his staff high above his head.
Completely forgetting why they were fighting due to a sudden lapse of short-term memory, Siegfried watched from behind a maroon curtain, just like Polonius in Hamlet. But don't worry. Our blonde male bimbo doesn't get stabbed.
Suddenly, when Raphael was busy fixing his belt buckle that had come undone, Kilik gave him a good, hard whack on the side of head. Raphael pitched forwards, face crashing with the floor. Kilik smiled in triumph and did a Final Fantasy-worth victory dance.
Raphael's cause of death was cerebral hemorrhaging, a rather quick death for such a prissy man.
"No!" Siegfried shouted in anguish, and ripped aside the curtain, revealing himself. Unsheathing his giant sword, he quickly stabbed it into the still-gloating Kilik, who fell over with the intruding piece of heavy metal still lodged in his gut.
Meanwhile, the Capulets are having a nice seafood dinner. As Mitsurugi stuffed himself full of lobster, he remembered the threatening letter in the mail.
"Sweetie," he stopped eating and looked at Mina, who slowly pulled the chopsticks from her mouth.
"Mhumh?" She replied, slowly chewing, knowing something horrid would happen.
Mitsurugi cleared his throat. "Remember when daddy told you about the hulking, savage-like man who wanted to marry you?"
Mina's eyes widened as she swallowed. "Yeah… and?"
"Well, looks like you're going to have to marry him."
Mina looked at her mother for support, but Taki was too busy eyeing the manservant with the ball-gag.
"If you don't marry him, I'm going to disown you, and you're going to have to live with your aunt."
Oh no. Not her. Mina's aunt was rather on the odd side, and had an umbrella collection.
"You can't tell me what to do, you stupid balding butthead!" She shouted, and got up from the table. She ran out of the room, and hurried to the stables.
A boy was brushing the horses and was in Mina's way. She pushed him aside and burst through the stable gates, very John Wayne-like, and rode into the night.
Act Four
"Listen, you blazing nincompoop, use those 'Martha Stewart' skills and help me!" Mina shouted at Zasalamel, who turned off a taped episode of Martha Stewart making an upside-down pineapple cake.
Zasalamel shrugged. "I don't know what to do."
Next to Mina was a table. On that table lay a gun, a knife, and a banana. She quickly grabbed the banana and pointed it at herself. "Look, if you don't help me, I'm going to kill myself."
Not wanting to have a banana accident, Zasalamel agreed to help her, and pulled out a tiny vial from one of the many cabinets on the wall.
"What's this?" She asked, lowering the banana. She took the vial and looked at it. The liquid inside was a deep amber color.
He closed the cabinet door and sat down on a wicker chair. "It'll make it look like you're dead for a few hours, but then you'll wake up eventually."
A little bit unsure, she pointed the banana at his head. "Are you sure?"
He nodded. "I have a plan too. On the night before you get married, take this potion. They'll put you in the crypt, and then I'll have Siegfried come and get you, so you could live happily ever after."
"Yeah, but what if it doesn't work?"
"At least you have insurance."
So with this potion in her pocket, Mina went back home, and to her father's surprise, agreed to marry Rock.
The messenger assigned to give the message about the plan to Siegfried doesn't make it, due to the fact that he ended up in the Gobi desert because the map that Zasalamel had given him was actually a detailed chart on how to tie up a turkey.
Looking at herself in her lacy wedding dress, Mina sighed. Would the potion work? Eh, she didn't have a better plan. The gulped down the tiny amount when Xianghua wasn't looking, and immediately fell over, her face falling into a flowerpot.
Act Five
Chaos erupted when they realized that she wasn't breathing. Her body was dumped in the family crypt for the night, and Rock did the honors of laying her down on a stone slab.
Funeral arrangements were going to be made the next morning, and everyone went home to either sleep or mourn.
Word reached Siegfried that Mina was dead. Wanting to see her for the last time, he gloomily took his horse to the crypt.
But… OH NO! Rock was there, in all his savage glory, sitting by her body.
"You! You're that savage, hulking, loincloth-wearing man! Be gone, you useless mass of flesh!" Siegfried shouted, brandishing his sword.
Rock turned around and raised his weapon, a large, crudely made hammer. The two fought by her body. Rock swung his stone-on-a-stick weapon at the pristine prissy boy with the perfect eyebrows. Siegfried stepped to the side, but was hit in the shoulder.
"Ow, that hurt, you big fat meanie!"
Rock threw his head back and laughed. "Do you really think you can beat me, you puny little-"
Rock never finished his sentence, because then Siegfried threw his sword directly at Rock's loincloth.
As the large man screamed in pain and bled to death on the floor, (that's call exsanguination. Messy death.) Siegfried dragged himself to Mina's body. Seeing her all pale and ghostly made him realize that she really was dead.
Dude, she's been 'dead' for a while now, Jesus.
Spotting a bottle of embalming fluid nearby, he uncorked it, and drank it all at once, wanting to be with Mina as soon as he could.
You see, what formaldehyde does to you when you ingest it isn't very pretty. It works like atropine, which is a derivative poison from nightshade plants. Before it paralyzes you, you hallucinate, then you pass out, and the coma that you fall into ends up in death either because your heart collapses or because your lungs give out.
When Siegfried was on the floor seeing noise and hearing color, Mina woke up, to see her lover on the floor, looking like rigor mortis had set in on a corpse.
"No, no, no, you stupid git!" She screamed, starting to cry. "I'm not dead!"
She slid off the stone slab and tried to wake him up. When he finally did die, she pulled out her banana and pushed it into her stomach, collapsing beside him.
The End