My Worst Fear
Part 3
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Okay, we've got through the pizza and she's sitting with the soda, soon she's going to run out of Soda and I'll have to buy some more time to find courage to bring up the situation. Come on Sidle, you can't avoid this – I mean hell – there are only so many soda refills a girl can drink!
"Your teacher seems nice" Instantly I see her react, she looks up and instantly becomes less relaxed, she just shrugs her shoulder and goes back to eating – truth it I know she doesn't want to speak about it. "She said that you got into a fight today" I throw it out there lightly wanting to let her know that I'm not accusing her. The restaurant is crowed so even though we are surrounded by people the conversations around us give us our privacy. "Want to talk about it?"
She shakes her head, I take the silence as a no – okay, I get that she doesn't want to talk- and normally I wouldn't make her – maybe I should leave it now. I have no idea what's for the best…but I don't stop talking. "You know when I was a kid I got into a lot of fights with err, my brother … all the time" Damn it, what did I say that for?
"You have a brother?" Lindsay asks, here we go – my big mouth.
"Err, yeah…I do" It's my turn now to reach out and take my soda – talking about me makes my uncomfortable, nervous. After a few moments I decide it's best to continue – "I don't talk much about me huh?" I smile softly despite my agitated ways.
She nodded her head, "What did you fight over?" she was waiting for me to continue.
To be honest I really didn't want to tell her, mostly because I'm not comfortable talking about my childhood – to anyone. "Normal stuff" I tell her, though there was nothing about my childhood that was normal – "You know, TV remote, the last chocolate bar, the normal stuff."
"Like you and mom now?" She asks and this made me laugh.
It was true; Cath and my self are like two big kids. "Yeah" I explain, "Except when it was with my brother I usually ended up with a fist in my face – you're lucky that you don't have to fight it out with anyone."
"Accept mom"
"Yeah, well I always stick up for you with her" I shoot at her, throwing a napkin her way. She laughs. Though it doesn't last long, I can see she's fighting something inside those pretty blue eyes.
"I might be able to help" I offer.
She seems to think about this, she is contemplating it – "Will you tell mom?"
Ah, there it is – the whole confidentiality. I have trouble with this one, how do I know when I should or shouldn't tell Catherine, what is it that is too much for me to handle? I'm going to have to talk this out with Catherine, the whole 'where it is I stand with Lindsay thing' because I don't want to over step my mark. "Depends –will you tell mom about anything I told you?" I ask her, I know that I'm only making Lindsay feel better but truth is that deep down I really don't want Catherine to know I have a brother, or ask about my screwed up family. Up until now I'd been able to avoid that part of all this.
She shakes her head, "No"
"Well then, you tell me…and I'll let you know if your mom needs to know" I try and keep her talking, "I'm not going to be angry Linds" I tell her.
She fumbles around with her hands and avoids eye contact with me "They said that my mom was a bad person because my dad left" Lindsay eventually explains. Wow, I didn't expect that, not at all. I take a breath; I see she's really upset. "They keep picking on me…and calling my mom names"
"Lindsay" my voice is softer than even I believed that it could be, she doesn't look up, "Come on Kiddo – look at me" I plead.
Slowly she does, I see tears in her eyes, "Why did dad leave?"
Oh god, this isn't what I wanted. I'm pretty sure that It isn't a 'sidle' convocation – and this isn't a time to slag of my girlfriends ex either, think sidle. "Honey, listen to me…these kids have no idea what they are talking about. Your dad loves you, and so does your mom. They'd do anything for you and you have to trust me on that one." Leaning over I take her hand in mine, "There are a lot of people out there whose parents are together and they don't love their kid as much as your parents love you" try my mom and dad, I add silently. "Your dad, he left because…" I sigh, "I think this is a conversation that you need to have with your mom Linds" I tell her. It really is – who am I to even try and come up with an explanation. I mean, what was I to say?
'Your mom left your dad because he was physically and mentally abusive towards her and slept with some whore breaking your moms heart'
"You're going to tell her?" She sounds horrified.
I shake my head, "no, I'm not…but I think you should."
Lindsay thinks for a moment, then looks up at me again – this time expectantly – "Does mom hate Dad?"
There's a reason you avoid emotion Sidle – and that's because of this – look at her, she's hurting and you have no way to make it better. My mind is screaming at me, I don't know what to say. This is a touchy subject for me as well you know. And the reason it's hard is because I believe what I'm going to say – and it's like a knife to my heart. "No, she doesn't hate him"
Truth is on some level I think she still has feelings for him. I shrug my shoulder and lower my head looking at the near empty soda – I don't think I'm going to refill – I think I got all I needed to get out of Lindsay. This is no longer a 'me' job. I've taken this as far as I can. All I can do is offer one last bit of advice. So I do – "Kiddo, listen to me now – Your mom and dad, they love you. And always will. And what ever those kids say to you at school…you ignore it, because you know that they are wrong. Your mom's a good person; she's out there now doing her job…protecting others. She's not a bad person… and…" here it is, the hardest part of the conversation, been nice to the Ex of my Girlfriend who I believe still feels something for him, "that goes for your dad as well. And if you can't ignore them, use your fists!" I smile, seeing I've gotten a laugh from her.
Damn it… she really needs to talk to Catherine.
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Walking from my Tahoe towards the Lab I realize just what it is that I have to do – get some god damn coffee in me. Shift hadn't even started and I need my fix… looking at my watch I realize that I'm running a little late, for someone who had to show early to catch a coffee with a certain blond CSI I wasn't holding up well. It's what you get when you try to exchange pleasantries with Catherine's sister. She accused me off not letting her know where Lindsay was. She knew that Catherine had sorted it, and that she'd more than likely be with me so what was the problem? Huh. I'm not some killer, no, I've never murdered…
…I did something worse though, I'm her sister's lover, yeah that's it, I've loved her sister and that's what kills her. Some time's I think they'd take it better if I was an ex con. I walked out of there tonight, mostly because mother in law was hanging around ready to pounce when given the chance. And that I couldn't take.
Oh lord, do I need COFFEE!
I made it to the break room and didn't even head to the locker room first. I had my bag over my shoulder and my jacket and vest on my back "Oh coffee…how I love you" I mumble absently as I make a straight line to the jug that is steaming. And a bonus, Greg made it.
"You look like you need it"
I turn to see someone sat on the sofa; I was so in need of the coffee that I hadn't even noticed her. I poured the mug and then placed the pot back down heading to the space on the sofa next to her – dropping my bag at my feet I sat. "Mm baby" I smiled, I couldn't help it- it's what she did to me. Made me happy – I brush my lips softly against hers before pulling back – "You'll never know how much"
"Lindsay that bad?" She asked me,
"No…Lindsay was great… your sibling however…" I leave the familiar sentence unfinished. She knew my feeling on the sister; she didn't need to be reminded.
"Oh, I'm sorry…" She actually seemed guilty.
"Hey, it's fine…all good. I'm alive…" I mean hell it's over with now; she knows I'm fine with it.
"Is she?" Catherine asked a smile playing on her lips yet I know she's serious; she wants to know just how far this argument got.
"Just about" I joked, taking a gulp from my coffee. I'm aware of her hands as well, as they make their way around my waist between my jacket and my tank top. "I missed you" I explained as I lent into her resting my head on her shoulder.
"I missed you to…I thought you were going to try and get in a little earlier" she seemed a little disappointed.
"I was but, I kind of took Lindsay out after school…" I explained, thinking back to the kid who was sat in front of me not hours before.
"Really?"
"Yeah…why so surprised?"
"Just…I don't know…" She shrugged it off.
"Hey, it's your sister I don't like. Not your kid" I remind, this time I give her another kiss more forceful and reassuring.
"So where did you two go?" She's getting of the sister subject – wise choice.
"Dinner and the arcade…played some video games before I took her back to your sisters." I explained. I know as I'm sitting her that I can't betray Lindsay's confidence but Catherine needs to know.
"Thank you" She's so sincere that it actually stings my heart. I notice something.
"You got that used to been on your own didn't you?" It's a sad yet reassuring smile that I show. I move my own arm around the front of her winding it around her waist and pulling her into me, she avoids my question but her eyes gave me the answer I needed, I lent forward so my lips were pressed against her ear and whispered softly – "You're not alone anymore"
Turning her head she looks into my eyes, she must have saw just how serious I was because I saw her run through a load of emotions in only a few seconds before her lips came crashing down on mine.
As I pull for a much needed breath I hear her sigh, "Mm, too bad shift starts in five huh?" she moans.
Damn right, "Yeah too bad." Her hand entwines with mind. It's the simple little things that make me love her, this been one of them. I know that I need to change the subject quick otherwise neither of us would be starting in five "How did the case go?"
"We closed it about half hour ago. Signed, sealed and delivered" She seems relieved. I take some more coffee, more than happy to have it settle my need.
"So how's Lindsay?"
Oh god, what do I say? "Truth, I'm not sure" well it was kind of the truth. I feel a little guilty but I think this is something that Lindsay needs to do not me.
"What do you mean?"
Damn she knows me too well, she can tell I'm hiding something - I really am stuck now "She sees more than we think Cath" I explain. I'm like Grissom, I know I am. I mean usually I leave the cryptic to him. Pull it together Sidle.
"What the hell does that mean?" she's getting a little defensive so I calm her by tightening my firm grip against her waist.
"I think…I don't know… she just…sees the arguing and it's not fair. I mean, I'm putting her in the middle. When I dropped her off at your sisters and things got a little heated she looked hurt – and she didn't know who to turn to. I feel like I'm…I don't know…getting in the way" it's true, that's exactly what I feel, Like I'm doing something wrong, that it's me who's hurting her. I haven't lied to Catherine; it's exactly what had happened.
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We are all in the Break room now, five minuets later – and awaiting our cases. Catherine sat on the sofa still, Warrick at the table with Greg, Nick stood at the counter and me next to the doorway when Gil Grissom walks in "cases are up…Nick, Sara and Greg…DB this address" he's way to business, I mean not even a welcome guys, not even a 'hi'. I lean forward and take the paper from his hand – "Hi to you to Grissom" I shoot. I mean really is a 'hi' too much? He just gives me that raised eye brow look that lets me know it's time to get the hell out of there. So it's what I do, taking my back pack from the table I offer a fare well sidle stare letting him know that I think he needs to improve his communication skills – and drink the last of my coffee. "Who's got post?" I ask.
"Nick" he tells me flatly, he must have had a bad day- maybe one of his spiders died or something. I don't know.
"Of cause he does" I hand the paper to the Texan, "Give me two and I'll meet you out front" I tell Greg and Nick before I leave. Hey, you may think I'm been a little hard on Grissom but, we had words yet again and he's not in my good books right now. I know - I get it… I'll sort it out later with him. But not now!
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"So what did Gris do this time?" Greg is stood against my bonnet; I guess we are taking my Tahoe. I can see he's got that smile on his face – the one that lets me know today is going to be a long Shift. I give him the look; you know the one that usually shuts them up – but for some unbeknown reason it just doesn't work on him. God damn you! He continues. "Did he make a pass at your girl?" he joked. What the hell kind of joke was that. It didn't take long for my hand to rise up and slap him hard across the back of the head.
"You're sitting in back" I tell him, "Nick can you drive"
He gives me a look, one of those – huh? Looks that I know I should give an explanation for. Truth was I'm a little shaken up about the incident earlier, not that I'll ever admit it. "I'm tired" I tell him.
"Oh not get much sleep Sidle" Greg starts again.
I roll my eyes, now wishing I'd put him in the trunk. "I was at the arcade with Lindsay" I tell him, "Now shut up and get in"
They do all get in, and just as I'm about to slide into the passenger seat I hear my name been called, "Sara" turning slowly I know just who that is.
Gil Grissom, he's stood in the doorway of the lab. Shit! This isn't what I need right now. I walk over to him, "Grissom?" I asked.
"There's been a change of plan; you're going solo…B and E. Here is the address" he hands me the paper. Oh my god, please tell me he's kidding. B and E, I look up to she he isn't joking, he's getting pay back. I pissed him off in the break room and this is his revenge sending me to this god damn B and E.
"What?"
"You hared me, B and E – solo. There will be an officer at the scene. And then, if you finish up you got paper work." I hate him right now.
"What ever…" I turn and walk away. Okay then, when I said that Catherine's family weren't on board with our relationship I forgot that neither was Grissom. I mean he wasn't as blatant about it as her sister was but… this is what it's like, I get the worst cases. I get the sly comments. And what's best – I get this –
"Oh and by the way Sara?"
I turn to face him, "Yeah"
"I got a conference for you to attend. In Boston… we'll talk about it when you get back"
Solo B and E and Conference in Boston is all that needs to be said. Shit, right now I want to hand my badge in, I hate this. What have I really done to him to make him act like this? Right now I want to kick in the side of my Denali but I decide against it- instead I walk up and pull open the door growling "Guys, change of plan"
tbc...thanks for reading