My
Worst Fear
Part 4
thankyou all for reviewing, It means alot to me. Heres your next part. And i'll try and have another one up soon
Come on, end of shift!
End of shift…
Only an hour to go and
I have never been happier to be leaving this place. Standing up I
shut the file in my hand, the paper work for the B and E Grissom had
sent me on – simple case, nothing too taxing- a young addict
looking for ways to make money for his next fix. Took only a few
hours of shit to get him into custody, my work there was done –
final. Now I knew just where I had to go, to the office of One Gill
Grissom – I hope he isn't there because I really don't want
to get into it. The arguments, and then be ordered to go to Boston.
The last thing I want right now is to be pulled away from my life for
a pointless conference… I know why he's doing it, because he
knows that it will annoy the hell out of me. I walk down the
corridors and happen to look into one of the labs to see Greg and
Nick working over evidence – I should be in there right now! Sure
as hell would have been more interesting that the B and E and all the
paper work. I just shrug and continue on my way –
It's then that I see the door to Grissom's office, here goes nothing. Please don't be in there! Pushing it open slowly I notice him sat at his desk, but a very recognizable blond is sat in front of him, her back to me. I lean on the doorway thankful to be un noticed as I listen to them talk. His voice is soft, caring…
'Cath, you don't have to worry' he tells her, I stand there wondering, How come she gets Soft and Caring Gil and I get the cold emotionless Grissom?
'It's when he reaches over and takes her hand that I become more interested. 'Its fine Catherine, I'm here for you'
She just sighs, I don't know what going on and the truth is I don't care. Pushing the door now open I speak with little hesitation. "Sorry to break this up…" I growl, "There's your paper work. You have anymore slow cases to throw my way, beep me" I drop the folder on the desk without another word. I don't know what I just saw in there, I really don't but what I do know is that I'm jealous. She was upset – it's my job to comfort her!
She went to him – why? What the hell have I done to be treated like this?
By him and her!
-------
"You're a hard girl to get hold of you know that right" even though I have my head in the bonnet of my Tahoe in the garages I would know that voice anywhere. I chose to ignore it. Did she ever think I never wanted to be found? And why the hell is my Denali playing up? Standing back a little I take my head out of the engine and lean my elbows on the metal. I don't respond, just stand quiet. I can't help but think maybe I went a little over board earlier – I mean, maybe it was just how Grissom was acting that had pissed me off. And maybe I've been thinking too much about what people have said –
But the words keep rolling around in my head –
'Does mom hate Dad?' yep, that had been the start of it, Lindsey's question got me thinking. I know that Catherine still feels something for Ed. I know she does – I don't know what it is exactly but…it's something.
'So what did Gris do this time? Make a pass at your girl' Greg's words, I mean why the hell did he have to go and say it? Having me thing Grissom had a soft spot for my Girl was bad enough but to hear someone say it. DAMN! I throw the tool in my hand to the car and growl.
"My car's leaking oil" I explain. She doesn't give a damn about my car; she wants to know why I'm acting like this. She's blaming herself – truth is that I don't know whose fault this is. "I can't fix it…" Some how I think she understands I'm not talking about my car right now. I'm talking about me, I can't fix my head- when I get things like this floating around in my mind I let it eat away at me.
"You want to talk to me about what happened back there?" She asks.
"No" straight out, I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of talking about my feelings. I just want Grissom to back off, I want her family to leave us be, I want everything to be easy – but it isn't. It's hard, too hard. "I want to get my Denali back into working condition"
"There's people here you can get to do that you know" She tells me.
"I want to fix it…" I explain, I still haven't looked at her. I'm looking down at my engine. I want to fix everything, my car, my feelings, her heart I know had been broken so many times before, Lindsey's problems. I just want them all to be okay. I want us to be okay.
"You know you can't fix everything…its okay to ask for help"
Oh great, now she's treating me like I'm five! I don't know why I'm mad at her, I mean – I think I'm blowing things out of proportion, letting my mind see things that aren't real, Reading into it all too much.
"Help? You think I need help?"
"You're trying to pick an argument with me" She says calmly.
An argument! I want an argument with her? I shake my head, "I don't need help…" I tell her. "I need to know what the hell is going on with me, what the hell is happening. And why my Denali is fucked up!" this time I do kick my boot into the bottom of my truck. I'm covered in oil, all over my hands so I reach for the towel on my shoulder and wipe my hands before slamming down the bonnet.
An unhealthy silence fills the air. I shrug my shoulders – I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to cause more trouble – it's just all getting too much for me. "I wasn't flirting with Gil or what ever the hell you think it is you walked in on" she tells me.
I turn and look at her for the first time, "are you oblivious to everything that goes on?" I ask, "Or do you choose to ignore it?"
"What are talking about…?"
"Nothing" I cut her off, I don't want to do this. I force myself to calm down, "Forget it"
"No...Not this time Sara…you need to talk to me"
"Don't tell me what I have to do Cath, don't tell me what to do!" My god what is wrong with me. I turn my back and walk over to put the tool on the side, "I don't know how to fix this" I sigh.
"Fix what Hun?"
Why is she still been nice to me? "How I feel about you…it's something I've never felt before. It's hurting so much Cath. It's driving me crazy – it's so strong"
"I know" She cuts me off, she walks over and takes my hand, "I know baby, I feel it to. I feel it all…it's hard to breath right?" I nod my head as I look into her eyes, "You're the only one I think about Sara…"
"I'm just scared" I finally explain. Leaning on the work surface, "Scared I'm going to screw this up…"
"You can screw up all you like Sara, but I'll never stop loving you. I'm here for ever" she tells me, this is the hardest thing to hear her say. Why would she want me? What have I got to give her? "Please tell me what happened in the office?"
I look into her eyes, they draw me in yet again. "How can I tell you something I have no idea about? I walked in, I was already pissed at Grissom for the B and E and all that shit and I saw him. Holding your hand, comforting you…I just. I'm scared I'm losing you" It's the truth, I'm scared that Ed, or Grissom or one of the many other guys I see looking at her are going to take her away from me.
She shakes her head, "You don't have to worry about that"
"Don't I" I sigh.
"No" She takes my hand, "Come on. Let's get out of this place…Shift's over"
----
Yeah shift was over, and I was confused as to why Catherine was acting the way she was. If I was her I would have pulled me to pieces and had the biggest argument ever back there but she hadn't. She was caring, soft…sweet. Why?
I'm getting my stuff from my locker; the whole team is in the locker room now. Nick and Warrick were talking about the Texan's new victim HIS NEXT Date. Catherine was searching for something in the tip of a locker she refuses to clean out because she 'knows where everything is, it all has its place' yeah, right. And Greg is sat on the bench – something's not right with him but I decide it's not the right time to ask about it. I mean, if he goes ten minuets without having something to say – something is wrong.
"How did the B and E go Sar?"
I let out a laugh, "Drugged up teenager looking to fund his next hit. Nothing to exciting…" I tell him. He knows that I'm less than happy been pulled from the DB case he and Greg now have. Any of them would have been and what was worse is that they are all seeing it becoming a regular thing. At least these guys are happy for me and Catherine.
"Thrilling" Nick sighed, "You might get a big case up tomorrow if you lucky"
"Yeah…if I'm lucky" I mumble. Then take my jacket and put it on just in time to have Grissom enter.
"Sara…for you" he holds out an envelope – "Any questions you know where to find me" he leaves the room. God damn him, what is it with the odd entrances and exits. They are all looking at me expectantly. It doesn't take me long to read the letter not even a minuet before I react. I slam my locker, loud enough for all in the room to be surprised that the door stayed on the hinges before I took off out of the locker room.
----
"I'm not going"
"Sorry?" he asks looking at me from his desk; I don't even bother to shut the office door I really don't care who sees me, who sees this argument.
"I'm not going to Boston" I tell him, throwing the letter back down on his desk, he can't do this to me, and I'm not letting him have this control over me.
"lab policy Sara, you have to go on three of these things a year, You and Nick are the only ones who haven't reached that total – and Nick has to go to Texas on the Monday to Wednesday for a wedding so…you're the only one left" Convenient huh? Sure it was.
"You know what; I think you need to be straight with me. What the hell have I done?" I don't want to do this shit anymore, I just want to sort this out – I want to get what ever the hell is wrong with him out in the open.
"Sara, this isn't anything…it's just a conference in Boston that you are required by the contract you signed when you agreed to work here to go to. You got me? Don't take it personally!"
"Is it me and Catherine?" I ask, "Is that what's eating you up?" I'm standing over his desk, he's not my boss anymore, and right now he's just pissing me off.
"Why would it effect me Sara, I told you – I'm happy for you both"
"Then what is it? Why are you always throwing me the shit cases? Why do I keep getting the remarks, the looks? If it's not about me and Catherine then what is it about?" I'm making him angry, I see that. And you know what it is don't you, I've made him feel. I've cause some kind of emotion to fill up in him.
He stands up walks around his office and slams the door shut, "Take a seat" he says calmly. I think about refusing but decide against it when I see his face. He walks around and sits back behind his desk – "You want to know why I've been off with you for the past few weeks?"
Well yeah? That's why I asked I think. Man what the hell is going on, I nod my head.
"Remember the Dillon case?"
Shit, the Dillon Case! "Yeah I remember"
"You know the guy? The suspect…"
Damn it!
"Yeah…I remember" in my own way I'm telling him I understand – and know just what he is about to say, "Who told you?"
"It doesn't matter, but it should have been you…" He growled, "You knew him, yet you still worked that case." He shouted, "What the hell were you thinking?"
Damn, I thought I'd got away with this one. I know why he's pissed, and it's not because of Catherine and Me – it's because of me, just ME! Funny thing is though, even now that I'm sitting here – that I'm looking at the disappointment in his face I know I wouldn't have changed what I did. If I had another chance I would have done it the same way. "I was thinking that –I don't know" I sigh, "when he was brought in all that I knew was that…he didn't do it. I didn't care what the evidence said. I knew him… I just, I wanted to work the case" I explained.
"When you have a personal interest in the case, I'M TOLD" he shouted like I've never seen him shout. "I thought you GOT THAT! If he was guilty"
"I know" I shout standing to me feet, "If he was guilty DA could have voiced the evidence, and the case would have been destroyed. The reputation of the Lab, my Job, I'd have lost it all. I let the team down, I let myself down…I know Grissom, I get it all" Wow was that an emotional out burst or what? I couldn't face him anymore so I turned my back.
"No Sara I don't think you do get it…sure, I care about the lab, and I care even more about the team. But that wasn't what bothered me…because there isn't one person out there on the team that hasn't in someway or another jeopardized the team, or labs reputation. What you did, it was bordering on self destructive. You get that?" Okay, I'm lost, now as I'm standing here it sounds like I'm getting the 'caring Grissom' and I have to admit I've missed this. I see him as a father figure to me – and I need his guidance. I get that. So I turn back, I have no words, I just look at him. "Sara if he was found guilty, you were to emotionally attached, you'd blame yourself, you would have let it burn you out. You one of the best Sara, don't let anyone take it from you…"
Let me get this straight, me and Catherine thing isn't what's been pissing him off? It was the Dillon case. "he was like a brother to me" I mumble, back when I was a kid…I couldn't…" I sigh. Man, why was this so hard. I walk back and take my seat – "I just…I knew that if I told you I'd be off the case. And I couldn't have lived with it if he'd been sent down and I hadn't even tried to help."
"I get that…I really do…but Sara, I'm not going to lose you from my team because of some case. If you came, and told me – I would have done all I could. You need to talk to me – and if you can't. Talk to Catherine" I just nod my head, it's too much for me to continue so I stand, "Can I…" I motion for the door.
"Yeah but listen to me Sara, if you ever do something like this again. I'm going to have to deal with it."
I nod my head.
"And Boston isn't my way of getting you out of here, or punishing you. It's my way of forcing you to get out of the lab for a week, go to the conference. Expenses are paid for by the lab. Rest, sort your head out. And come back in here…"
I nod my head and I turn heading towards the door, "Oh and Sara…"
"Yeah?"
"I'm happy for you…both of you"
tbc...how long will the happiness last?
thanks for reading guys and loving the reviews, the help my muse ;)